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  • -Thank you very much!

  • Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show," everyone!

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Well, guys, I want to start off by wishing everyone

  • a very happy St. Patrick's Day!

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Yep, instead of Pfizer and Moderna,

  • people just stayed home and did shots of Jameson.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yep, all day, we got to play a fun game.

  • Drunk co-worker or bad Zoom connection?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • So -- I -- dr-- sh-- Ar-- zhur-- sa.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • St. Patrick's Day during COVID is pretty strange.

  • You've got to stay 6 feet apart,

  • or as Irish dads call it, hugging.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • The CDC put out guidelines for how to celebrate.

  • You know it's a fun holiday

  • when you're getting tips from people in lab coats.

  • Isn't that fun? [ Laughter ]

  • Yeah. There weren't any big parades today.

  • My question is, is it really St. Patrick's Day

  • if I can't watch a guy on Fifth Avenue

  • puke into a green hat at 8:00 a.m.?

  • You know? [ Laughter ]

  • I mean, are we really celebrating when I can't see

  • a subway grate blow a kilt over a man's head?

  • You know? [ Laughter ]

  • But people still celebrated.

  • Everyone ate corned beef and cabbage

  • to commemorate when St. Patrick's went keto.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • In celebration of today's holiday,

  • the White House fountain was dyed green.

  • Take a look at this.

  • Yeah.

  • Actually, I'm being told that's just a leak

  • in the Mountain Dew pipeline installed by Trump.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • We'll get it fixed.

  • Well, this was big. Last night, President Biden

  • sat down for an exclusive interview

  • with George Stephanopoulos,

  • and he had some strong words for Vladimir Putin.

  • Listen to this.

  • -You know Vladimir Putin. You think he's a killer?

  • -Mm-hmm. I do.

  • -So what price must he pay?

  • -The price he's gonna pay, well, you'll see shortly.

  • -Okay. -And Stephanopoulos said,

  • "Okay. But don't call me 'Shortly.'"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Of course, "you'll see shortly" is political code for,

  • "I have no friggin' idea." [ Laughter ]

  • Biden sounded like he was in an '80s action movie.

  • I was waiting for him to put his badge in the drawer and be like,

  • "I'm not a cop tonight, George. This is personal."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • But Biden didn't stop there.

  • He went on to say this about Putin.

  • -You said you know he doesn't have a soul.

  • -I did say that to him, yes.

  • And his response was, "We understand one another."

  • I wasn't being a wise guy.

  • I was alone with him in his office.

  • That's how it came about. I said, "I looked in your eyes,

  • and I don't think you have a soul."

  • He looked back at me and said, "We understand each other."

  • -Then Putin was like,

  • "Mr. Biden, are you trying to seduce me?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • The weird thing is, Biden once said the same thing

  • to a scooper at Cold Stone who forgot his hot fudge.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "I don't think you have a soul."

  • Yep, Biden said he was alone in Putin's office.

  • Then Putin pointed to 52 different plants

  • in the room and said, "Trust me --

  • when you're in my office, we're never alone."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • At the end of the interview, Stephanopoulos asked Biden

  • about his dog, Major, who recently got into some trouble

  • with a White House staffer. Watch this.

  • -Is Major out of the doghouse? -Yeah --

  • [ Laughs ]

  • The answer is yes. Major was a rescue pup.

  • Major did not bite someone and penetrate the skin,

  • but he's a sweet dog.

  • 85% of the people there love him.

  • All he does is lick them and wag his tail.

  • -Yeah. 85% of the people love him.

  • The other 15% are missing part of their face.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • 85% just love to have him around.

  • Biden was like, "Relax. After it happened,

  • I looked into Major's eyes, and I saw his soul."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Well, you guys, President Biden is on his "Help is Here" tour

  • to talk about the benefits of the new stimulus package.

  • And it turns out he's already been

  • a lot of places to promote the bill.

  • He even released a song about it.

  • Take a look.

  • ♪♪

  • ♪ I've been everywhere, man

  • And I've been everywhere

  • ♪ I've been to California, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania

  • Arizona, Massachusetts Mississippi, San Francisco

  • Kansas City, Alabama, Minnesota, Carolina

  • North Dakota, North Korea Venezuela, Guatemala

  • Indonesia, Colorado, Pakistan, Cancun, to the Moon

  • Austin, Boston, Iran, Afghanistan

  • ♪ I've been everywhere, man

  • And I've been everywhere

  • -Ah. [ Cheers and applause ]

  • He's really pushing this thing.

  • Hey, guys, it is time for a "News Smash."

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • ♪♪

  • -First up, it's St. Patrick's Day.

  • The big parade might not be happening this year,

  • but that doesn't mean you can't celebrate the Irish

  • with some corned beef and cabbage that you bought

  • using the money from your stimulus check.

  • Biden says 100 million people will receive $1,400 or more

  • in the next 10 days. Though I have a feeling

  • a lot of them will blow their money on March Madness.

  • People are making bets left and right

  • who will make it to the sweet 16,

  • the Final Four, who will go all the way.

  • Well, if you want her to go all the way, why not try Tinder?

  • The app is in the news because they're mailing free COVID tests

  • to people so they can be safe before going on dates.

  • Some users like the idea. Others think it's weird.

  • But one idea everyone can get behind -- stimulus checks.

  • Gimme that stimmy, that moolah,

  • that cold hard cash, that cheddar, that paper,

  • that lettuce, That green.

  • Green beer, green hair, green clothes.

  • Some people pinch you if you're not wearing green,

  • and they're the kind of people you should avoid on Tinder.

  • You can get tested before a big date.

  • Let's be honest -- you should probably get tested after, too.

  • Though I gotta say, dating right now

  • seems like complete madness.

  • 68 teams vying for the top spot.

  • A bunch of college kids going at it,

  • which is also a great way to describe Tinder.

  • In conclusion, you're in luck.

  • Good luck out there.

  • You might get lucky.

  • It's the luck of the Irish.

  • [ Cheers and applause ] This has been a "News Smash!"

  • ♪♪

  • Some sports news. I saw that LeBron James

  • recently became part owner of the Boston Red Sox.

  • That's right. The Red Sox are now partly owned

  • by a Yankees fan who plays for the Lakers,

  • and they found out on St. Patrick's Day.

  • So, please, check on your friends in Boston.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • But business news here. I saw that Yankee Candle

  • just announced its Scent of the Year is Discovery.

  • Yeah, it's already predicted

  • to be this year's most re-gifted candle.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yeah, the candle's called Discovery.

  • It's a pretty fancy name for something that's gonna sit

  • undiscovered above your toilet for three years.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And finally, a woman in Florida

  • was just arrested for something pretty crazy.

  • Watch this.

  • -A woman arrested, accused of doing a botched nose job.

  • Police say the woman posed as a fake plastic surgeon

  • and performed a nose job on a man.

  • She was in the middle of another surgery when she was arrested.

  • -Patients knew something was up

  • when her surgical gown had an AutoZone logo on it.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yeah, they stopped her mid-surgery.

  • Meanwhile, the patient was like, "Um, hello?!"

-Thank you very much!

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Biden Sends Warning to Putin, LeBron James Becomes Part Owner of Red Sox | The Tonight Show

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    林宜悉 posted on 2021/03/18
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