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  • - Daryl, I looked my woman in the eye sockets.

  • - Mm-hmm. - I told her straight out.

  • I just said it, man.

  • I said it, I said, I said, I said-

  • I said, "Bi-" - Hey guys!

  • - Hey girl, how you doing! - Oh, hey!

  • - You having a good time? - You having-

  • Oh, I want you

  • But I don't need you

  • - Neil.

  • Neil!

  • - Yes, honey?

  • - Neil DeGrasse Tyson,

  • I asked you to take the dog out for a walk

  • when I left the house four hours ago.

  • Now, I come back and this little mother (beep) Sputnik

  • has done pissed on my drapes!

  • Now, I've gotta get rid of those things and get new ones.

  • Neil, it doesn't make any sense.

  • You're an astrophysicist.

  • How can you not keep track of little details like this?

  • - Well, actually, it's the little details

  • that cannot be kept track of by definition.

  • In 1927, a German university lecturer

  • named Warner Heisenberg, came to a seemingly

  • paradoxical conclusion, that the more we know

  • about the position of a particle in physical space,

  • the less we know about its momentum and vice versa.

  • - Okay, but what does that have to-

  • - Taken in conjunction with what we know

  • about the expansion of the universe,

  • this brings us to a fascinating possibility.

  • That maybe what we experience as one point in time space

  • could actually be a legion of points,

  • which would mean that your curtains

  • and little Sputnik's pee pee could be as distant

  • from one another as we are from the furthest galaxy.

  • - Okay.

  • Well, just, next time.

  • - Of course, dear.

  • - Neil!

  • There you are.

  • What are you doing?

  • We have to go to my Aunt Nellie's funeral.

  • How are you not ready?

  • I've been talking to you about this all week.

  • How am I gonna find you in your boxers

  • looking at a science magazine?

  • (sighs) I swear, Neil, sometimes I think

  • you don't have any idea of what's important.

  • - Well, actually, an idea of what's important

  • is as close as we can ever come

  • to any definition of importance.

  • Our galaxy is one of over 100 billion

  • in the observable universe.

  • And, it's 100,000 light years across,

  • which means it would take light 100,000 years to traverse.

  • - Okay, but-

  • - But that's just space.

  • If we were to chart the history of the universe

  • on one calendar year,

  • the history of mankind as we know it

  • would just take place in the final second of that year.

  • So, whether I'm ready now or in 500 years,

  • well, cosmically speaking, the distinction is meaningless.

  • - Well, okay.

  • I'm going now.

  • - Goodbye, honey.

  • - Neil!

  • Who is she?

  • Who is the white bitch that left this goddamn

  • lipstick stain on your collar?

  • Hm?

  • Oh, I got you!

  • You're caught.

  • Because this is apricot colored,

  • and you know who wears that?

  • White bitches!

  • And you can't talk your way out of this one,

  • 'cause I'm not getting confused today,

  • 'cause I got my (beep) in order

  • and I've done my research.

  • Okay, Neil?

  • You see, we are here at this point in space time

  • on a human scale,

  • but at this point you a trifling ass mother (beep),

  • so expect the papers from my lawyer,

  • 'cause we're parting ways.

  • - Well, actually.

  • - No, no.

  • - We are always parting ways and not parting ways

  • and every conceivable combination.

  • Many physicists, including Stephen Hawking,

  • now believe that there is an infinite number of universes.

  • It's called multiverse theory,

  • and it suggests that there are

  • an infinite number of universes

  • in which I didn't have sex with that white woman.

  • - I (beep) Bill Nye the Science Guy.

  • - You bitch.

  • (doorbell rings)

  • - Hey, hey, hey! - Hey!

  • - All right. - Hi sweetie.

  • That's for you. - Hey Trace, how you doin'?

  • - Check out the house! - Oh my!

  • - Girl, I got a sunk in tube, you gotta see it!

  • - Oh, I've got to see this.

  • - All right. - You two

  • have a good time now. - Have fun, have fun!

  • Dude, I am sorry we're late!

  • - Man, it happens man.

  • - Man, she talked about how we were supposed

  • to be in the car at 6:45,

  • I'm like, "All right." - Uh oh!

  • - Tell me my dumbass ain't sitting in the car

  • waiting until 7:15. - Nuh-uh!

  • - Okay, when I tracked my wife down 20 minutes later,

  • she's stepping out the damn shower,

  • talkin' 'bout, "Can I help you?"

  • - See, that's crazy right there.

  • - Craig, I looked this woman in the eye, I said,

  • "Bitch, you told me 6:45!"

  • - You said that? - (scoffs) Yeah, I said,

  • "Bitch!"

  • Then I laid it out. - Yeah, but you said

  • bitch though?

  • - Hmm?

  • - You said bitch?

  • - Yeah.

  • - [Woman] You gotta see the fire place

  • downstairs in the living room.

  • - Okay.

  • Don't play games man, just tell me what you gonna tell me!

  • - Exactly, it's like, say what you mean, mean what you say!

  • - Is that so hard?

  • - It's like last week man,

  • we going out to dinner, right?

  • I'm like, "Where do you wanna go?"

  • She's like, "You decide." - Uh-oh!

  • - I'm like, "All right, Outback Steakhouse."

  • She like, "Nah." - Mm-hmm.

  • - I'm like, "Straight up, Chili's."

  • She's like, "Ehh."

  • - No. - No.

  • Darryl, I named seven more restaurants!

  • - No Craig, no!

  • - I finally said Taylor's.

  • - The place I know she wants to go in the first place.

  • - Right, right! - She looked at me, she said,

  • "If that's where you wanna go."

  • - No she didn't Craig!

  • - If that's where I wanna go.

  • Darryl, I looked my woman in the eye sockets.

  • - Mm-hmm. - I told her straight out.

  • I just said it man.

  • I said it, I said, I said, I said,

  • I said, "Bi-" - Hey guys.

  • - Hey girl, how you doing! - Oh, hey!

  • - You having a good time? - You having fun?

  • - You seen the bedroom? - We was just looking

  • at the water. - You see the washing machine?

  • A washer machine, it's huge! - Water up on the

  • ceiling here. - You get a whole bunch of

  • clothes in that washing machine!

  • - Baby, I'ma take her back up to the kitchen

  • and show her the dish washer.

  • - Darryl? - Yeah, baby?

  • - I want a kitchen island just like the one upstairs.

  • - You gone' get it too.

  • - I love you.

  • - I love you!

  • - I said, "Bitch,

  • "if you wanted to go to Taylor's,

  • "just tell a brother you wanna go to Taylor's!"

  • Okay? - You know what I'm saying!

  • You said that? - Oh, hell yeah man!

  • - Yeah! - I laid it out!

  • Right, I says, I says, I says,

  • I said, "Bitch, I'm the man of the house!"

  • - You said bitch though?

  • - Mm-hmm.

  • - You called your wife a bitch?

  • - Aw yeah.

  • - Craig? - Darryl?

  • Where are those guys?

  • - [Woman] I don't know.

  • Girl, let me show you this.

  • - [Darryl] So, she's like,

  • "Why don't you rent a movie we both like?"

  • - [Craig] No she didn't! - [Darryl] After I spent

  • 25 minutes in the goddamn Blockbuster's!

  • Craig, I looked this woman in her optic stems

  • and I says, I said,

  • I says, "Bitch!"

  • - You said that?

  • - Ain't nothin' but a thing!

  • - But, you said bitch though?

  • - Yep.

  • - (laughs) See, you got it.

  • (phone rings)

  • (phone rings) - Oh man!

  • Hey honey, Craig just gave me the neighborhood tour.

  • - So then, she's like, "I didn't know

  • "we'd be doing so much walking."

  • - Nuh-uh! - I'm like,

  • "I didn't tell you to wear those shoes."

  • She said, "Don't raise your voice at me."

  • - What?

  • - Darryl!

  • I looked this woman

  • dead in the windows of her soul!

  • I said,

  • I said-

  • (door opens)

  • (Craig knocks)

  • I said, "Bitch!"

  • (romantic music)

  • - Ooh honey, I am tired!

  • I am going to bed, goodnight.

  • - Uh, well. (laughs)

  • - Is everything okay?

  • - Well, it's just that I was hoping that,

  • well, that we could,

  • and, I wanna make this clear,

  • I wanna be straight forward.

  • I want to have a-

  • - Okay, Luther,

  • are you available to translate?

  • - Yes ma'am.

  • - I really was hoping we could spend some time together.

  • - When is the last time we had sex woman?

  • When, election night?

  • What does a brother not named Bill Clinton

  • have to do to get some (beep) in this house?

  • - Well, you have been very busy lately.

  • - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, you know what,

  • if I could just, can we get your translator?

  • - Oh yes, certainly.

  • Katendra?

  • - Yeah, honey?

  • - Could you please translate,

  • "Well, you've been very busy lately."?

  • - Sure.

  • - My (beep) ain't one of your limousines

  • that you can jump in and out of whenever you feel like!

  • I don't see you all day,

  • then you want a booty call?

  • I need an emotional connection (beep)!

  • - Thought this was romantic.

  • - I'm (beep) trying bitch!

  • Can't you see?

  • I'm playing the romantic music!

  • I got the pino in the glasses!

  • What more do you want from me,

  • an engraved invitation from my nuts?

  • - Maybe, we should make a date.