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  • -This is great news today.

  • The White House announced that

  • stimulus checks are being sent out

  • as soon as this weekend.

  • [ Cheering and applause ]

  • But a lot of Americans are wondering,

  • "What's the best way to spend my $1,400?"

  • Well, don't worry. I'm here to help.

  • Let's break it down.

  • Okay, so you start with $1,400.

  • First, we should subtract some expenses,

  • like utilities.

  • Then, there's also groceries.

  • But, after that, you're left with --

  • I forgot about automatic payments.

  • Netflix, Hulu, Amazon, HBO, Disney+.

  • If you sign up for all streaming services,

  • that's roughly $2,000 a month.

  • They add up quickly.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Now that the vaccine is here, everyone, you know,

  • is rescheduling their destination wedding to Cabo.

  • [ Laughter ] Uh...

  • Taco bell is bringing back the Quesalupa.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • 7-Eleven is adding fish bites to the menu

  • and, if you eat one of those,

  • that calls for an emergency hospital visit.

  • [ Laughter ] After you get out,

  • you'll probably reevaluate your health and your life choices,

  • so you'll buy a gym membership.

  • But you'll give up after a couple weeks

  • and just get a Peloton, instead.

  • [ Laughter ] You'll use it twice,

  • maybe three times, then just hang clothes on it.

  • [ Laughter ] You go to return it,

  • but, on the way, you spot a Jiffy Lube

  • and you remember you need an oil change.

  • [ Laughter ] While you're there,

  • the guy says that your car needs a new brake booster.

  • You don't even know what that is, but it's $150.

  • [ Laughter ] While you're waiting for that,

  • a band of hooligans steal the Peloton out of your car,

  • along with all the cash in your wallet.

  • [ Laughter ] You have a couple bucks in your pocket,

  • so you head to a nearby casino, just to feel alive.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • You gamble everything you have on blackjack

  • and you win 600 bucks.

  • [ Laughter ] The head of the casino walks over

  • and says he loves your gambling style

  • and offers you a free suite in the hotel.

  • You're feeling great, so you bet $300,000

  • in a game of craps.

  • [ Laughter ] You lose it all.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • You don't actually have the money,

  • so the owner brings you to a back room

  • and one of his goons cuts off your finger.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • So, when all is said and done, you're left with --

  • drum roll, please --

  • [ Drumroll ]

  • -$313,537

  • and nine fingers. So, there you go.

  • [ Cheering and applause ] Hope that helped, everybody.

-This is great news today.

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B1 TheTonightShow laughter casino cheering stimulus applause

Jimmy Breaks Down the $1,400 Stimulus Checks | The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

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    林宜悉 posted on 2021/03/13
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