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  • -Guys, it's Friday, and that's usually

  • when I take care of business,

  • you know, I get some things done,

  • but the day just got completely away from me.

  • I spent all day looking for the address 34 Egg Street.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Really? -I got completely --

  • I totally forgot to write out my weekly thank-you notes,

  • so, now, if you don't mind, I'd like to write out

  • my weekly thank-you notes

  • [ Cheering and applause ] during the show.

  • I know, wait 'til the commercial break,

  • but I want to do it now.

  • James, can I get some thank-you note writing music, please?

  • [ Playing tender tune ]

  • [ Laughter ]

  • ♪♪

  • Thank you, Joe Biden's pandemic address,

  • for not starting with "four score and 70 pounds ago."

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • ♪♪

  • Thank you, stimulus bill, for sounding like

  • someone Joe Biden used to play marbles with in high school.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ As Biden ] The whole gang was there --

  • Stimulus Bill,

  • Pepper Pete.

  • Rawhide was there.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Nice.

  • -[ Laughing ]

  • ♪♪

  • Thank you stimulus checks, for sounding like

  • the world's first caffeinated breakfast cereal.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • ♪♪

  • Thank you, Grammy Award, for looking like

  • the Pixar lamp's way more successful cousin.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • ♪♪

  • Thank you, 7-Eleven's new fish bites,

  • for being perfect for people who love seafood,

  • but wish it was served four feet away from scratch-off tickets.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • "Gimme two, three, four of those guys."

  • -[ Chuckle ]

  • ♪♪

  • -Thank you, photo of Adam Driver and Lady Gaga,

  • for looking like the weird couple at a ski resort

  • that invites you to their private hot tub.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • [ The Roots playing funk ]

  • "Champagne?"

  • Here, I'll pour it in your mouth."

  • [ Laughter ] -Ew!

  • [ Playing tender tune ]

  • Thank you, push pins,

  • for being acupuncture for my corkboard.

  • [ Applause ] There you go, everybody.

  • [ Cheering ] Those are my thank-you notes!

-Guys, it's Friday, and that's usually

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Thank You Notes: Biden's Stimulus Bill, Adam Driver and Lady Gaga Photo | The Tonight Show

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    林宜悉 posted on 2021/03/13
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