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  • -Welcome to "The Tonight Show."

  • [ Cheering and applause ] That's what I'm talking about!

  • That's right.

  • Happy Friday, everybody.

  • [ Laughing ] Well, guys, last night,

  • President Biden delivered his first prime time address

  • and he announced a new goal for the country

  • in the fight against COVID.

  • -If we we do this together, by July the 4th,

  • there's a good chance you, your families, and friends

  • will be able to get together in your backyard

  • or in your neighborhood and have a cookout

  • or a barbecue and celebrate Independence Day.

  • -Yeah, Biden was like a first grade teacher who's like,

  • "If you guys behave this year,

  • we can have a big pizza party on the last day, okay?

  • [ Cheering and applause ]

  • Let's do it."

  • This is classic America.

  • We're safe all year and then celebrate

  • by mixing beer and fireworks.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Imagine the entire country

  • throwing down on the 4th of July.

  • Budweiser's about to be the new Bitcoin.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I'm very prepared to barbecue on July 4th.

  • For the last year, I pretty much grabbed everything

  • with a giant set of tongs.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Everyone's excited. My aunt is already planning

  • all the weird stuff she's going to put in the potato salad.

  • [ As aunt ] You want raisins?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I put a little coffee.

  • Everyone's like, "What's that mystery flavor?"

  • Yeah, it'll be nice to go over to your neighbor's

  • for a barbecue and realize they're the ones

  • who've been stealing your Amazon packages all year.

  • It's like, "Hey, that dog bed has our dog's name on it."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Biden also announced that,

  • in order to increase the rate of vaccinations,

  • more people will be eligible to administer the vaccine,

  • including dentists,

  • veterinarians, and medical students.

  • Actually, I'm already booked to get the needle flipped

  • into my arm by a Benihana chef.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Applause ]

  • [ Drumsticks clacking ]

  • "Ooh!"

  • Guys, Daylight Savings Time starts this weekend.

  • A little reminder for you, there.

  • I saw that a group of bipartisan senators

  • led by Marco Rubio reintroduced a bill to make it permanent.

  • Yeah. Number one on the list of issues

  • Americans care about the most?

  • Clock stuff. [ Laughter ]

  • Oh, listen to this -- I heard that the U.S. Navy

  • is having a problem with one of its boats.

  • Look at this. -Officials say

  • the USS Connecticut,

  • one of the most elite submarines in the U.S. Navy,

  • is now infested with bedbugs.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -There's nothing like being a mile underwater and hearing,

  • "Okay, so don't freak out."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I think it's a nuclear submarine

  • because the bedbugs are all the size of little horses.

  • -Aw.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -The bedbug situation is pretty brutal.

  • Apparently, everyone onboard was itching

  • like it was Fleet Week.

  • [ Groaning ]

  • Come on.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I can't believe it's been a whole year of the pandemic --

  • a whole year!

  • I mean, it's already time for the Grammys again.

  • Oh, that reminds me. Tariq, did you hear that

  • The Weeknd is boycotting the Grammys?

  • -How can Saturday and Sunday boycott an awards show?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -You know what I meant.

  • -You heard what I said!

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -This is it.

  • -Our big pandemic fight.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Both: Go!

  • -I'm sick of seeing you every day!

  • -I'm sick of hearing you every day!

  • -I'm sick of looking over there!

  • -I'm sick of looking over there!

  • -I don't feel heard!

  • -I don't feel seen!

  • -Apologize!

  • -You apologize.

  • -I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings!

  • -Saying "if" negates the apology.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -You're right.

  • I'm sorry for hurting your feelings.

  • -And I'm sorry for the hurtful things I said.

  • -Thank you!

  • -My pleasure!

  • [ Both sigh ]

  • I'm glad that's over.

  • -Yeah. And now we can enjoy the weekend.

  • -But not at the Grammys.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Simple Minds' "Don't Forget (About Me)" plays ]

  • [ Laughter and applause ] -♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey

  • Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

  • [ Laughter and applause continues ]

  • -Just -- Just -- Just --

  • -Where am I, man?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -As I mentioned, [ Clapping ] the Grammys are this Sunday.

  • [ Cheering and applause ] Oh, my gosh. I'm excited.

  • All the biggest names in music will be there.

  • Check out this promo I saw today.

  • -Tune in this Sunday to the Grammy Awards,

  • with special guests...

  • [ Laughter ]

  • ...and...

  • [ Laughter and applause ] -Ah! I'm excited.

  • I am excited.

  • -Yeah. -I'm freaking out.

  • I'm psyched up.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Laughing ] Some more entertainment news.

  • [ Clap ] [ Laughter ]

  • I saw that Netflix is trying out a new feature

  • to crack down on shared passwords,

  • by sending users a verification code

  • before they can log into an account.

  • Americans heard and were like,

  • "Okay, then I guess we'll just share the code."

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Yeah, this is big. Netflix could be getting rid

  • of the last remaining link

  • between you and your ex from three years ago.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Apparently, people using their friend's password

  • say they're getting a message on the screen that reads...

  • Yeah, that's real.

  • Meanwhile, if you try to log in to Paramount+, it says...

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Why? Why? -Yeah.

  • -Finally, I saw that Ace Hardware's offering

  • something new to its customers. Listen to this.

  • -Ace Hardware offering to help customers find a sitter,

  • so you can focus on home improvement projects.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Meanwhile, Lowe's is keeping it simple

  • by offering leashes to tie your kid to a nearby tree.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I guess this explains Ace's new jingle.

  • ♪♪

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

-Welcome to "The Tonight Show."

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Biden's Major COVID-19 Vaccine Announcement | The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

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    林宜悉 posted on 2021/03/13
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