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  • >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!

  • WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • I'M YOUR HHOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • BUT, FOLKS, THIS ISN'T JUST ANY OLD "A LATE SHOW."

  • TODAY, MARCH 12, MARKS THE ONE-YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF THE

  • LAST SHOW WE DID IN THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER BEFORE WE

  • STARTED BROADCASTING OUT OF A DISCARDED ALTOID TIN.

  • AT LEAST IT WOULD MARK THE ANNIVERSARY IF I STILL FOLLOWED

  • THE CALENDAR OF THE BEFORE TIMES.

  • WE ALL NOW LIVE IN THE PERPETUAL MONTH OF "SWEATS-TEMBER."

  • TONIGHT, WE'LL TAKE A LOOK AT THIS YEAR THAT WE, TOGETHER,

  • SPENT APART.

  • BECAUSE THIS IS "A LATE SHOW'S QUARANNIVERSARY SPECIAL:

  • THE YEAR THAT TOOK 100 YEARS BUT WAS ALSO SOMEHOW ONE LONG DAY."

  • >> Stephen: SO MUCH HAS CHANGED IN THE PAST YEAR.

  • THINK ABOUT HOW WE COMMUNICATE NOW!

  • LAST FEBRUARY, IF SOMEONE SAID "ZOOM ME," YOU WOULD HAVE SAID,

  • "WHAT?

  • YOU HAVE TO TALK LOUDER.

  • I CAN'T HEAR YOU BECAUSE WE'RE IN A VERY CROWDED BAR!

  • HAY, CAN I HAVE A SIP OUT OF YOUR BEER USING MY BARE FACE?"

  • THIS TIME LAST YEAR, WE SUDDENLY ALL FOUND OURSELVES IN LOCKDOWN,

  • WHICH ALLOWED US TO SPEND QUALITY TIME WITH OUR FAMILIES--

  • ALSO, QUANTITY TIME.

  • BECAUSE SHORTLY AFTER THIS TIME LAST YEAR, SCHOOLS CLOSED ACROSS

  • THE COUNTRY.

  • IT STARTED AS KIND OF A "SNOW DAY," THEN BECAME A "SNOW

  • MONTH," AND FINALLY A "SNO WAY I'M GOING TO MAKE IT UNLESS

  • MY KIDS GO BACK TO SCHOOL."

  • AS WE LEARNED MORE ABOUT THE DISEASE, IT GOT A LITTLE

  • SCARIER.

  • FOR EXAMPLE, WE FOUND OUT "YOU CAN BE INFECTED WITH THE VIRUS,

  • HAVE NO SYMPTOMS, AND STILL BE CONTAGIOUS."

  • THAT'S RIGHT: JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T SEE IT, DOESN'T MEAN COVID

  • ISN'T THERE.

  • IT'S LIKE TERMITE DAMAGE, OR THE LAST FIVE NICOLAS CAGE MOVIES.

  • SO IN APRIL, THE C.D.C. BEGAN RECOMMENDING THAT "PEOPLE WEAR

  • CLOTH OR FABRIC FACE COVERINGS WHEN ENTERING PUBLIC SPACES,"

  • WHICH REPLACED THE WHITE HOUSE'S RECOMMENDATIONS FOR FENDING OFF

  • COVID: MASSIVE DOSES OF PRESCRIPTION-STRENGTH BEAN.

  • BECAUSE IT'S AMERICA, IT WASN'T LONG BEFORE MASK WEARING

  • DEVOLVED INTO A POLITICAL ISSUE.

  • APPARENTLY, SPREADING AEROSOLIZED VIRUS IS A CHERISHED

  • FREEDOM.

  • WHO CAN FORGET PATRICK HENRY'S FAMOUS CRY, "GIVE ME LIBERTY OR

  • GIVE ME DEATH!

  • OR SLIP ME SOME TONGUE AND GIVE ME BOTH!"

  • AND THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE YEAR, WE COULD ALWAYS LOOK TO ONE

  • MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL AS A BEACON OF SCIENCE AND SANITY: OUR GUEST

  • TONIGHT, EPIDEMIOLOGIST AND MAN EXPLAINING HOW BACK RUBS CAN

  • BOOST THE IMMUNE SYSTEM, DR. ANTHONY FAUCI.

  • FAUCI WAS SO POPULAR THAT, BACK IN APRIL, HE BECAME A WRITE-IN

  • NOMINEE FOR PEOPLE'S "SEXIEST MAN ALIVE."

  • THERE'S JUST SOMETHING ABOUT A MAN BEGGING YOU TO STAY SIX FEET

  • AWAY THAT JUST MAKES YOU WANT HIM MORE.

  • SHOCKINGLY, THE WINNER TURNED OUT TO BE MICHAEL B. JORDAN,

  • WHO, WHILE NOT AN EPIDEMIOLOGIST, HAS BEEN

  • PUBLISHED IN THE "NEW ENGLAND JOURNAL OF MAMA LIKE!"

  • I'M EXCITED TO TALK TO DR. FAUCI.

  • WE TRIED TO GET HIM ON THE SHOW ALL LAST YEAR, BUT HE WASN'T

  • AVAILABLE.

  • THEN AROUND JANUARY 20 HIS SCHEDULE STARTED FREEING UP FOR

  • SOME REASON.

  • BUT BEFORE WE GET TO THE GOOD DOCTOR, I'D LIKE TO TELL YOU

  • A LITTLE ABOUT MY EXPERIENCE DURING THIS QUARANTINE.

  • YOU SEE, FOR ME, AND PERHAPS FOR SOME OF YOU, THE PAST 12 MONTHS

  • HAVE BEEN BOTH TERRIBLE AND WONDERFUL.

  • IT WAS, AS DICKENS WROTE, THE BEST OF TIMES AND THE WORST OF

  • TIMES.

  • INCIDENTALLY, I'VE BEEN IN QUARANTINE FOR A YEAR, AND

  • THAT'S AS MUCH OF THE BOOK THAT I'VE READ.

  • A LITTLE TROUBLE FOCUSING.

  • YOU SEE, IT WAS THE WORST OF TIMES BECAUSE WE SAW THE TOLL

  • THAT THIS PANDEMIC HAD ALL ACROSS AMERICA, WITH PEOPLE

  • LOSING THEIR LOVED ONES AND THEIR JOBS, AND HAVING TO ADAPT

  • TO A STARK NEW REALITY.

  • AND, OF COURSE, THE PREVIOUS ADMINISTRATION REALLY SHANKED

  • THEIR RESPONSE.

  • IT'S IRONIC THAT THEY DISCOURAGED MASKS, BECAUSE THEY

  • SHOULD BE ASHAMED TO SHOW THEIR FACES IN PUBLIC.

  • BUT THE PAST YEAR WAS ALSO THE BEST OF TIMES, BECAUSE WHERE OUR

  • LEADERS FAILED, WE SAW AMERICANS STEPPING UP, HELPING EACH OTHER

  • OUT, WORKING TO GET THROUGH THIS TOGETHER.

  • AND EVEN THOUGH THIS VIRUS GROUND A LOT OF THINGS TO A

  • SCREECHING HALT, IT WAS INSPIRING TO SEE AMERICANS FIGHT

  • TO MAKE SURE WE STILL MADE PROGRESS, WHETHER IT BE TAKING

  • TO THE STREETS TO DEMAND AN END TO SYSTEMIC RACISM OR TAKING TO

  • THE VOTING BOOTH TO BRING NEW LEADERS.

  • AND LIKE A LOT OF YOU, I HAD BIG PLANS WHEN THE QUARANTINE

  • STARTED.

  • I TOLD MYSELF I WAS GOING TO GET IN SHAPE.

  • AND ONE YEAR LATER, I AM IN A SHAPE.

  • SO MISSION ATTEMPTED.

  • BUT THERE WERE POSITIVE THINGS, TOO, LIKE A FEW MONTHS INTO THE

  • QUARANTINE WHEN I FINALLY FIGURED OUT HOW TO MAKE

  • SOURDOUGH BREAD.

  • I HAD BEEN TRYING FOR MONTHS, BUT I COULDN'T MAKE IT WORK.

  • AND THEN, AND THIS IS TRUE, A STRANGER SENT ME A 150-YEAR-OLD

  • SOURDOUGH STARTER.

  • IT ARRIVED IN THE MAIL, FROM SOMEBODY I DID NOT KNOW, AND

  • LOOKED LIKE PAINT CHIPS, BUT I SAID, SURE, I'LL PLAY "FOOD FROM

  • A STRANGER ROULETTE!" AND IT TURNED OUT GREAT!

  • IT WAS THE WORST OF TIMES BECAUSE, BEFORE THIS ALL

  • STARTED, I USED TO HAVE AN AUDIENCE.

  • WOW!

  • THAT MAKES ME SO NOSTALGIC-- AND CREEPED OUT.

  • WHY WAS I TOUCHING STRANGERS' HANDS?

  • AND WHY DIDN'T YOU STOP ME?

  • WAS I A VECTOR?

  • BACK IN THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER WITH THE BAND AND THE AUDIENCE,

  • WE CALLED WHAT WE DID "THE LATE SHOW."

  • BUT YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED THAT FOR THE PAST YEAR, WE'VE BEEN

  • CALLING IT "A LATE SHOW," BECAUSE IT'S NOT EXACTLY THE

  • SHOW WE USED TO DO.

  • IT'S A VERSION OF IT.

  • AND, I PROMISE, WE'LL GET BACK TO "THE LATE SHOW" JUST AS

  • SOON WE WE CAN DO IT IN A WAY THAT'S THE SAFE WAY FOR MY

  • STAFF, CREW, AND AUDIENCE.

  • BUT IT'S ALSO THE BEST OF TIMES BECAUSE, OCCASIONALLY, I DO HAVE

  • AN AUDIENCE OF ONE: MY WIFE, EVIE.

  • WHEN I WAS FIRST STARTING OUT IN COMEDY, I REMEMBER THINKING, "IF

  • I CAN MAKE STRANGERS LAUGH THE WAY I MAKE EVIE LAUGH, I'LL BE

  • DOING OKAY."

  • AND NOW I LITERALLY CAN'T MAKE STRANGERS LAUGH, BUT I DO GET

  • TO HEAR EV FROM TIME TO TIME.

  • AND I ALSO FOUND OUT THAT I REALLY LOVE INTERVIEWING PEOPLE

  • VIA ZOOM.

  • WE'VE HAD SOME AMAZING GUESTS, AND I'VE HAD SOME REALLY

  • FASCINATING CONVERSATIONS WITH THEM IN THIS NEW ZOOM FORMAT.

  • I THINK THERE'S JUST SOMETHING ABOUT HAVING NO AUDIENCE, IT

  • BEING JUST ME AND THE GUEST, LOOKING IN EACH OTHERS EYES,

  • THAT'S JUST MORE INTIMATE SOMEHOW.

  • ALTHOUGH, I PROMISE, AUDIENCE, WHEN I WAS INTERVIEWING

  • CLOONEY, I WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU THE WHOLE TIME.

  • IT WAS THE WORST OF TIMES BECAUSE WE HAD TO FIND A NEW WAY

  • TO MAKE THIS SHOW, ON THE FLY, AS WE WERE DOING IT.

  • IT'S LIKE REBUILDING A TRANSMISSION WHILE YOU'RE DOING

  • 60 DOWN A FREEWAY.

  • AND IT WAS THE BEST OF TIMES BECAUSE MY STAFF AND CREW DID

  • IT.

  • THEY MADE IT ALL HAPPEN.

  • AND, INCIDENTALLY, THAT INCLUDES EVIE AND OUR THREE KIDS, WHO

  • WERE ALL ROPED IN TO BE CAMERA PEOPLE, ELECTRICIANS, AND

  • PRODUCERS WHEN WE TAPED THE SHOW FROM HOME.

  • AND I LOVED THOSE MOMENTS WITH MY FAMILY.

  • IT WAS A CHANCE TO SAY TO THEM, "LET'S PUT DOWN ALL OF THE

  • SCREENS AND DEVICES AND SPEND A LITTLE TIME TOGETHER MAKING SURE

  • DAD'S SHOW IS ON OTHER PEOPLE'S SCREENS AND DEVICES, BECAUSE DAD

  • DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO WORK ANY OF THESE SCREENS AND DEVICES."

  • WE DID "A LATE SHOW" FROM SO MANY DIFFERENT PLACES: A TUB, A

  • FIRE PIT, A PORCH, A SPARE BEDROOM IN SOUTH CAROLINA FOR

  • FIVE MONTHS, AND NOW HERE WE ARE IN WHAT USED TO BE A

  • SUPPLY CLOSET IN THE ED SULLIVAN OFFICE BUILDING.

  • IT'S BEEN A TOUR TO REMEMBER, SO WE'VE DECIDED TO REMEMBER IT

  • WITH THIS ACTUAL "LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT" CONCERT

  • T-SHIRT.

  • IT'S GOT A ROCKIN' LOGO ON THE FRONT, AND ALL OF THE TOUR DATES

  • ON THE BACK.

  • EVEN THAT ONE SHOW WE DID DOWN IN DELAWARE FEATURING SPECIAL

  • GUESTS JOE AND DR. JILL BIDEN.

  • I WONDER WHAT HAPPENED TO THOSE TWO CRAZY KIDS?

  • WE ALSO HAVE A MASK WITH THE SAME LOGO AND A MUG, AND A MUG

  • RIGHT THERE.

  • AND WHAT QUARANTINE MERCH WOULD BE COMPLETE WITHOUT SWEATPANTS

  • WHICH SAY "NO SWEAT, ALL PANTS."

  • AND ALL OF THIS IS AVAILABLE colbertlateshow.com/covidtour,

  • OR YOU CAN JUST SCAN THIS Q.R.

  • CODE WITH YOUR PHONE.

  • AND WHILE WE AT "THE LATE SHOW" HAVE BEEN LUCKY ENOUGH TO BE

  • ABLE TO KEEP OUR BUSINESS GOING DURING THIS PANDEMIC, A LOT OF

  • SMALL BUSINESSES HAVE NOT BEEN SO LUCKY.

  • SO, WE ARE DONATING 100% OF "A LATE SHOW'S" PROCEEDS TO ACCION

  • OPPORTUNITY FUND'S SMALL BUSINESS RELIEF FUND.

  • A CHARITY SO NICE THEY FUNDED IT TWICE.

  • IT SUPPORTS SMALL BUSINESSES IMPACTED BY THE COVID-19 CRISIS.

  • SO HEAD TO colbertlateshow.com/covidtour,

  • OR SCAN THE Q.R. CODE RIGHT HERE, AND PICK UP YOUR OWN "LATE

  • SHOW" SWAG. IT'S STYLISH AND COMFORTABLE,

  • COMFORTABLE, AND PERFECT FOR RELAXING ON THE COUCH AFTER A

  • HARD DAY OF WORKING ON THE COUCH.

  • WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH SUPERSTAR SEXY SCIENCE MAN,

  • DR. ANTHONY FAUCI.

  • ♪ ♪ ♪

>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!

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The Year That Took 100 Years But Was Also Somehow Also One Long Day

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    林宜悉 posted on 2021/03/13
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