Placeholder Image

Subtitles section Play video

  • -Thank you very much!

  • Hello! [ Cheers and applause ]

  • And welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show," everyone.

  • Thank you for watching. [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Thank you for being here.

  • Well, guys, big news in Washington today as Congress

  • finally passed the $1.9 trillion COVID relief package.

  • That's right! [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Most Americans are thrilled the bill passed.

  • In fact, President Biden is so amped, he just bit his dog.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That's right, this bill is huge.

  • It's $1.9 trillion.

  • That's like a dollar for every e-mail you got this year

  • that started with, "in these challenging times."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Meanwhile, tomorrow, President Biden will deliver

  • his first prime-time address

  • to mark the one-year anniversary of the COVID shutdown.

  • Yeah, one year ago today, many Americans left

  • half a sandwich in their office like,

  • "Eh, I'll get it tomorrow." [ Laughter ]

  • Yep, Biden's very busy.

  • Yesterday, he visited a local hardware store

  • that received a small-business loan.

  • And I thought his conversation

  • with the owners was pretty interesting.

  • Take a look at this video.

  • [ Laughter and applause ] What?

  • Later in the conversation, this happened.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • I just found it odd, but then he left them with this.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • What's he talking about?

  • What?

  • Some business news here.

  • I saw that 7-Eleven is adding something new to its menu,

  • and judging by the reactions, it should be a huge hit.

  • -7-Eleven is adding a new item to its hot-food lineup --

  • fish bites.

  • -Fish bites.

  • -I just think that's a bad idea.

  • -I have a very sensitive stomach, so I just get worried.

  • I'm like, "Ooh, I don't know."

  • -I have never been one to do fast-food fish.

  • -This isn't even fast-food fish.

  • This is 7-Eleven!

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -When the fish bites were added to the hot-food case,

  • a 50-year-old taquito was like, "Welcome to hell, bitch!"

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • I know they've been busy, but how does the CDC

  • let this slip through the cracks?

  • You know what I'm saying? [ Laughter ]

  • But this is nice. If you order the fish bites,

  • they just automatically hand you the bathroom key.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Actually, I'd rather eat the bathroom key.

  • [ Laughter ] Hey, well, this is cool.

  • I saw that yesterday Timbaland and Swizz Beatz

  • sold the streaming platform Verzuz to Triller.

  • I feel like that sentence might be a little confusing

  • if you don't know what those things are,

  • so here, let's test that theory out.

  • It's time for "Tell a Grandparent."

  • ♪ -Tell a grandparent

  • -Now, we arranged for one of our staff members' grandparents

  • to join us on Zoom so we could tell them

  • the news and get their reaction.

  • Bob and Margaret, are you there?

  • -Hi, Jimmy.

  • -Thank you for joining us today.

  • Are you ready for your news?

  • -Sure.

  • -Alright, yesterday, Timbaland and Swizz Beatz

  • sold streaming platform Verzuz to Triller.

  • -I'm sorry. Could you repeat that?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Sure.

  • Timbaland and Swizz Beatz sold

  • streaming platform Verzuz to Triller.

  • -You think that's news?

  • Call us back when Jay-Z sells Tidal to Clubhouse.

  • [ Laughter and applause ] -Oh!

  • -What? What?

  • I didn't -- That didn't go how I planned.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Did they dab at the end?

  • Over in New Jersey, I read about an Amtrak worker

  • who is being accused of stealing some interesting equipment.

  • Listen to this.

  • -An Amtrak engineer from New Jersey is accused of

  • stealing 77 chain saws, 103 chain-saw bars,

  • and 163 chains from Amtrak.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Luckily, he'll have no problem in jail.

  • They're like, "What are you in for?"

  • "Stealing chain saws."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Every birthday, his wife looks at her gift box like,

  • "Let me guess -- another chain saw."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Put it in the closet with the other ones."

  • And, finally, a lot of people are talking about a TikTok

  • that shows off one family's DIY quarantine project.

  • Watch this.

  • -During quarantine,

  • my husband built a video rental store in our basement.

  • Instead of refinishing our kitchen cabinets,

  • he decided to build a video rental store.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Meanwhile, their friends are like, "I'm starting to think

  • that GoFundMe wasn't to help with their mortgage."

-Thank you very much!

Subtitles and vocabulary

Operation of videos Adjust the video here to display the subtitles

B1 TheTonightShow laughter applause fish amtrak chain

Biden's $1.9 Trillion COVID-19 Relief Bill Approved | The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

  • 0 0
    林宜悉 posted on 2021/03/11
Video vocabulary