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  • >> Stephen: HEY, THERE YOU ARE!

  • GLAD TO SEE YOU.

  • WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • LET ME JUST GET A LITTLE... WHET THE WHISTLE BECAUSE THERE'S A

  • LOT OF WHISTLING TO DO TONIGHT, FOLKS.

  • IT'S A BIG DAY IN WASHINGTON-- BIG DAY ALL ACROSS AMERICA,

  • BECAUSE THIS AFTERNOON, THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES

  • PASSED BIDEN'S $1.9 TRILLION COVID RELIEF PLAN.

  • ( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WOO!

  • SOMETHING HISTORIC HAPPENED ON CAPITOL HILL, AND IT WASN'T

  • PUNCHING A COP AND POOPING ON THE RUG.

  • WOOO!

  • IT'S A PRETTY LOW BAR.

  • WOOO!

  • WITH THIS PASSAGE, THE GOVERNMENT IS ABOUT TO SEND

  • $1,400 STIMULUS CHECKS TO MILLIONS OF AMERICANS.

  • THERE YOU GO, BABY!

  • YOU'RE RICH!

  • BUY YOURSELF SOMETHING NICE LIKE RENT OR MEDICINE.

  • THERE YOU GO!

  • SHAKE THEM UP.

  • I MEAN YOUR MEDICINE, SHAKE UP YOUR MEDICINE.

  • SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO SHAKE IT UP FIRST.

  • I KNEW THOSE WOULD COME IN HANDY TONIGHT.

  • THE STIMULUS PACKAGE WAS PRESIDENT BIDEN'S FIRST MAJOR

  • LEGISLATIVE ACHIEVEMENT-- NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH MAJOR

  • BIDEN'S FIRST LEGISLATIVE ACHIEVEMENT: "THE CHOMPIN' ON

  • THE SECRET SERVICE, SQUIRREL!

  • SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! ACT."

  • AND IT'S NOT JUST CHECKS, FOLKS.

  • THE BILL INCLUDES ALL SORTS OF GOODIES FOR AVERAGE AMERICANS,

  • LIKE CONTINUED $300 WEEKLY UNEMPLOYMENT BENEFITS, A BOOSTED

  • CHILD TAX CREDIT, AID FOR STATES, LOCAL GOVERNMENTS AND

  • SCHOOLS, AND $20 IN GAP CASH FOR EVERY $100 YOU SPEND ON NEW

  • RELAXED-FIT JOGGERS.

  • NANCY PELOSI WAS LITERALLY SINGING THE BILL'S PRAISES.

  • >> ♪ I'M SO EXCITED ♪ I JUST CAN'T HIDE IT

  • >> Stephen: ♪ SHE'S ABOUT TO FUND A SCHOOL

  • AND I THINK SHE LIKES IT! ♪ WHO HAS TO CLEAN ALL THIS UP, BY

  • THE WAY?

  • NOT ME.

  • I'M A JOB CREATOR IS WHAT I AM!

  • THE $1.9 TRILLION PRICE TAG BRINGS THE TOTAL SPENT ON COVID

  • RELIEF TO $5.5 TRILLION DOLLARS.

  • BY COMPARISON, ADJUSTED FOR INFLATION, WORLD WAR II COST THE

  • U.S. GOVERNMENT ROUGHLY $4 TRILLION.

  • HOPEFULLY, WE'LL GET SOME GREAT CORONAVIRUS MOVIES LIKE

  • "INOCULATING PRIVATE RYAN," OR ONE ABOUT YOUR UNCLE WHO STILL

  • WEARS HIS MASK BELOW HIS NOSE, "DUMB KIRK."

  • THE ADMINISTRATION SAYS A LARGE NUMBER OF AMERICANS COULD

  • RECEIVE THEIR $1,400 STIMULUS PAYMENTS BEFORE THE END OF

  • MARCH.

  • DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?

  • THERE'S FINALLY GOING TO BE AN END OF MARCH!

  • NOW, THE WHITE HOUSE WANTS PEOPLE TO GET THE MONEY A.S.A.P,

  • AS PRESS SECRETARY JEN PSAKI EXPLAINED YESTERDAY.

  • >> WE ARE DOING EVERYTHING IN OUR POWER TO EXPEDITE OUR

  • PAYMENTS AND NOT DELAY THEM, WHICH IS WHY THE PRESIDENT'S

  • NAME WILL NOT APPEAR ON THE MEMO LINE OF THIS ROUND OF STIMULUS

  • CHECKS.

  • >> Stephen: WHAT?

  • NAME WON'T APPEAR ON THE MEMO.

  • SHOCKING!

  • THE PRESIDENT LOVES PUTTING HIS NAME ON THINGS.

  • WE ALL REMEMBER BIDEN UNIVERSITY, BIDEN VODKA,

  • BIDEN AIRLINES, AND LUXURIOUS BIDEN TOWER.

  • BUT MAKE NO MISTAKE: DESPITE NOT HAVING HIS NAME ON THE CHECKS,

  • BIDEN IS GOING TO TAKE CREDIT.

  • HE, DR. JILL, KAMALA HARRIS, AND FIRST SECOND MAN DOUG ARE GOING

  • TO PROMOTE THE PLAN ALL OVER THE COUNTRY, AND WHITE HOUSE

  • OFFICIALS ARE PREPARING A SPRAWLING SALES CAMPAIGN

  • DESIGNED TO DRAW ATTENTION TO THE BENEFITS OF THE COVID RELIEF

  • PACKAGE.

  • SO GET READY TO SEE A LOT OF BILLBOARDS THAT SAY, "MONEY: YOU

  • LIKE IT."

  • BIDEN SAYS HE'S DOING THIS P.R.

  • PUSH BECAUSE HE LEARNED FROM SOMEONE ELSE'S MISTAKES.

  • >> MANY REMEMBER THAT IN 2009, WE EXPENDED A LOT OF POLITICAL

  • CAPITAL-- NANCY AND I AND OTHERS-- IN THE RECOVERY ACT.

  • AND THE ECONOMISTS TOLD US WE LITERALLY SAVED AMERICA FROM A

  • DEPRESSION.

  • BUT WE DIDN'T ADEQUATELY EXPLAIN WHAT WE HAD DONE.

  • BARACK WAS SO MODEST, HE DIDN'T WANT TO TAKE, AS HE SAID, A

  • VICTORY LAP.

  • I KEPT SAYING, "TELL PEOPLE WHAT WE DID."

  • AND HE SAID, "I DON'T HAVE TIME.

  • I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE A VICTORY LAP."

  • AND WE PAID A PRICE FOR THAT, IRONICALLY, FOR THAT HUMILITY.

  • >> Stephen: WELL, JOE, I'M GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE YOUR WORD FOR

  • IT.

  • I FOR ONE AM TOO HUMBLE TO KEEP TACK OF WHEN I'VE SHOWN

  • HUMILITY; THOUGH, A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY I DO HOST THE MOST

  • HUMBLE SHOW IN LATE NIGHT.

  • >> COLBERT, THE HUMBLE CHOICE!

  • >> Stephen: BIDEN MIGHT NOT NEED TO WORK TOO HARD TO SELL HIS

  • STIMULUS PLAN.

  • ACCORDING TO POLLS, 75% OF VOTERS SAID THEY SUPPORT THE

  • PACKAGE, AND BIDEN'S APPROVAL RATING SINCE HE TOOK OFFICE

  • IS A STEADY 57%.

  • OLD STEADY JOE.

  • HE MAY NOT BE AS EXCITING AS THE LAST GUY WE WERE WITH BUT,

  • YOU KNOW, HE'S GOOD WITH KIDS, IN THAT HE CARES WHETHER THEY

  • LIVE IN POVERTY.

  • THIS QUIET, UNFLASHY EFFORT TO JUST GET STUFF DONE HAS SOME IN

  • THE PRESS CALLING THE PRESIDENT "NO DRAMA BIDEN."

  • NO, PRESS, NO.

  • THAT IS OBAMA'S NAME.

  • YOU CAN'T GIVE IT TO THE NEW GUY.

  • YOU MIGHT AS WELL CALL HIM JOE "THE ROCK" BIDEN, OR "AIR"

  • BIDEN, OR "JOEY GAGA."

  • PLUS, IT'S "NO DRAMA OBAMA" BECAUSE IT RHYMES, OKAY?

  • WHAT ABOUT "TRAIN RIDIN'" BIDEN, OR "NOT EXCIDIN'" BIDEN? OR

  • "CARES WHETHER YOU LIVE OR DIE-DEN" BIDEN?

  • IT'S NOT JUST THE STIMULUS.

  • BIDEN IS DELIVERING ON OTHER PROMISES AS WELL.

  • WE ALL REMEMBER THIS: >> OUR GOAL OF 100 MILLION SHOTS

  • AT THE END OF MY FIRST 100 DAYS AS PRESIDENT.

  • >> Stephen: IT WAS AN AMBITIOUS BUT ACHIEVABLE GOAL.

  • IN THE FIRST 100 DAYS OF THE LAST GUY, I THINK I PERSONALLY

  • DID NEARLY 100 MILLION SHOTS.

  • WELL, TODAY MARKS THE 50th DAY OF BIDEN'S PRESIDENCY.

  • TO CELEBRATE, I GOT THE PRESIDENT A CARD.

  • IT SAYS, "CONGRATU-"

  • JOE, YOU GET THE OTHER HALF IN 50 DAYS.

  • EARN IT.

  • ANYWAY-- I DON'T KNOW WHY THAT WAS SO HOSTILE.

  • ANYWAY, WE'RE HALFWAY THROUGH THE FIRST 100 DAYS, AND WHEN IT

  • COMES TO THE VACCINE, SO FAR, AMERICANS HAVE GOTTEN-- DRUM

  • ROLL, PLEASE-- MORE THAN 75 MILLION DOSES.

  • WOO!

  • NO, DON'T, DON'T, DON'T, DON'T WASTE IT!

  • >> SORRY!

  • >> Stephen: IN FACT, BIDEN IS ON PACE TO HIT HIS GOAL OF 100

  • MILLION VACCINE DOSES AS SOON AS THE END OF NEXT WEEK.

  • THAT IS IMPRESSIVE.

  • WHAT WOULD YOU EVEN CALL THAT?

  • >> IT IS CALLED PROMISES MADE, PROMISES KEPT.

  • >> Stephen: THANK YOU, IRRELEVANT STRANGER.

  • AND HERE IS THE THING.

  • AS MUCH LEGISLATIVE MEAT AS JOE IS TOSSING ON THE GRIDDLE,

  • REPUBLICANS ARE HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE STICKING A FORK IN HIM.

  • BECAUSE BIDEN ISN'T PROVING TO BE AN EASY TARGET OR ANIMATING

  • FIGURE FOR THE G.O.P. BASE.

  • TURNS OUT, SPENDING A YEAR CALLING SOMEONE SENILE AND

  • SLEEPY DOESN'T MAKE THEM A GOOD BOOGEYMAN.

  • NO ONE IS AFRAID THAT TOYKO IS GOING TO BE FLATTENED BY

  • OLD-ZILLA.

  • ONE G.O.P. SPOKESPERSON PUT IT THIS WAY: "THERE'S JUST NOT THE

  • ANTIPATHY TO BIDEN LIKE THERE WAS OBAMA.

  • HE JUST DOESN'T DRIVE CONSERVATIVE OUTRAGE."

  • HMMM...

  • I WONDER WHAT'S DIFFERENT ABOUT OBAMA THAT ENRAGED THEIR BASE?

  • MAYBE THE ROYAL FAMILY KNOWS.

  • SO WITH NOTHING ELSE TO FIRE UP THE CROWD, THE G.O.P. IS TALKING

  • NONSTOP ABOUT CULTURAL ISSUES LIKE DR. SEUSS, MEGHAN MARKLE,

  • AND MR. POTATO HEAD-- ALSO KNOWN AS PIERS MORGAN.

  • THESE CULTURE WAR DISTRACTIONS WERE CALLED OUT YESTERDAY ON THE

  • HOUSE FLOOR BY OHIO REPRESENTATIVE AND SPY FINDING

  • OUT LUNCH IS HERE, TIM RYAN.

  • DURING A DEBATE ABOUT STRENGTHENING PROTECTIONS FOR

  • UNIONS, RYAN SAID THIS: >> HEAVEN FORBID WE PASS

  • SOMETHING THAT'S GOING TO HELP THE DAMN WORKERS IN THE UNITED

  • STATES OF AMERICA.

  • WE TALK ABOUT PENSIONS.

  • YOU COMPLAIN.

  • WE TALK ABOUT THE MINIMUM WAGE INCREASE, YOU COMPLAIN.

  • WE TALK ABOUT GIVING THEM THE RIGHT TO ORGANIZE, YOU COMPLAIN.

  • NOW STOP TALKING ABOUT DR. SEUSS AND START WORKING WITH US ON

  • BEHALF OF THE AMERICAN WORKERS.

  • >> Stephen: ( AS RYAN ) "YOU'RE COMPLAINING IN A BOX!

  • YOU COMPLAIN WHILE ON FOX!

  • YOU'RE COMPLAINING IN THE HOUSE ABOUT A SAME-SEX SPOUSE!

  • YOU WILL NOT HELP WITH UNION SUPPORT!

  • YOU WILL NOT READ THE MUELLER REPORT!

  • YOU WILL NOT HELP SUPPLY THE VAX!

  • YOU CAN KISS MY BIG LORAX!" COULD YOU HEAR ANYTHING I WAS

  • SAYING?

  • OKAY, GOOD.

  • SO, THINGS ARE LOOKING UP ON THE COVID FRONT, BUT WE'RE STILL

  • FACING ANOTHER UNSTOPPABLE PLAGUE-- YOUTHS.

  • BECAUSE "SPRING BREAKERS ARE PACKING INTO FLORIDA BEACH TOWNS

  • DESPITE THE PANDEMIC."

  • NO!

  • NO, SPRING BREAKERS!

  • THE ONLY DISEASE YOU BRING BACK FROM SPRING BREAK SHOULD BE

  • TREATABLE AT THE LOCAL FREE CLINIC!

  • AS ONE SCHLITZ-FOR-BRAINS EXPLAINED, "I WAS HERE TWO YEARS

  • AGO AND CAME BACK TO SEE WHAT IT'S LIKE NOW WITH COVID."

  • SOUND LOGIC.

  • "I WAS IN THIS BASEMENT STORING OILY RAGS TWO HOURS AGO, SO I

  • CAME BACK TO SEE WHAT IT'S LIKE NOW WITH FIRE."

  • IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING, "DISNEY WORLD IS ALSO FULLY

  • BOOKED FOR SPRING BREAK," DESPITE "FLORIDA STILL AVERAGING

  • ABOUT 5,000 CASES A DAY.

  • SO IF YOU'RE HITTING DISNEY WORLD, BE SURE AND TAKE THE KIDS

  • TO THE COUNTRY BEAR EUL-O-GEE.

  • POINT IS, WE HAVE TO BEAT THIS PANDEMIC.

  • MOST OF US HAVE BEEN ON ZOOM EVERY DAY FOR THE LAST YEAR, AND

  • ACCORDING TO RESEARCHERS, STARING AT YOUR COWORKERS'

  • FACES, UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL, IS PROBABLY TRIGGERING YOUR

  • "FIGHT OR FLIGHT" SURVIVAL REFLEX.

  • I'M GUESSING MOSTLY "FIGHT," BECAUSE, REALLY, WHO WANTS TO

  • TAKE A FLIGHT?

  • ZOOM TRIGGERS CRISIS MODE DUE TO OUR PRIMATE INSTINCTS.

  • AS THE DESCENDANTS OF PLAINS APES, WE DON'T LIKE BEING STARED

  • AT.

  • IN FACT, CLOSE, FACE-TO-FACE, ON-SCREEN MEETINGS CAN SET OFF

  • THE SAME PHYSIOLOGICAL REACTION AS A THREAT OR ATTACK.

  • OH, I'VE DEFINITELY FELT THAT.

  • THAT'S WHY, DURING MY FIRST ZOOM INTERVIEW WITH DANIEL

  • RADCLIFFE, I LUNGED AT THE SCREEN WITH A SHARPENED BONE.

  • NOW LET'S TURN TO FOOOOD NEEEWS!

  • ( ECHO ) THERE'S OUTRAGE IN THE BIG CITY!

  • AND WE HERE IN THE BIG APPLE ARE BESIDE OURSELVES, AND THAT'S

  • NOT EASY, BECAUSE THE APARTMENTS ARE REALLY SMALL.

  • THE OUTRAGE COMES FROM AN ARTICLE IN "THE NEW YORK TIMES"

  • CLAIMING THE BEST BAGELS ARE IN CALIFORNIA.

  • AS A NATIVE WASHINGTONIAN, SOUTH CAROLINIAN, CHICAGOAN, NEW YORK

  • TRI-STATE-AREAN, I TAKE THIS PERSONALLY.

  • CALIFORNIA HAS BETTER BAGELS, "NEW YORK TIMES"?

  • REALLY?

  • ARE YOU SCHMEARIOUS?

  • THIS HURTS A LOX.

  • MAYBE WITH A LITTLE RED ONION, SLICE OF TOMATO.

  • OH, MY GOD.

  • THIS IS CARBOHYDRATE TREASON TO SEE NEW YORK CITY'S OWN

  • NEWSPAPER SHILLING FOR WEST COAST BAGELS, SAYING THEY HAVE

  • A COMFORTING SQUISH-- THICK BUT YIELDING, CHEWY BUT NOT

  • DENSELY SO.

  • OKAY, "COMFORTING SQUISH"?

  • THAT'S NOT A BAGEL.

  • THAT'S A TRAVEL PILLOW.

  • NEW YORKERS KNOW THAT REAL BAGELS SHOULD BE SO DURABLE YOU

  • CAN GIVE IT TO YOUR TEETHING BABY, AND HALF AN HOUR LATER,

  • IT'S UNBLEMISHED.

  • AND THE BAGEL'S FINE, TOO.

  • THE ARTICLE PROFILES SEVERAL CALIFORNIA BAGEL BAKERS,

  • BAGEL BAKERS, CALIFORNIA BAGEL BAKERS,

  • INCLUDING ONE WHO STARTED SELLING SMALL BATCHES OF BAGELS

  • ON HER BICYCLE.

  • BAGELS ON A BICYCLE?

  • NO, A BAGEL IS SOMETHING YOU CRY-EAT ON THE SUBWAY WITH YOUR

  • FACE IN A STRANGER'S ARMPIT WHILE A MAN DOWN THE CAR DOES

  • BACKFLIPS AND YELLS THAT YOU'RE GOING TO BURN FOR YOUR SINS--

  • YOU KNOW, BREAKFAST!

  • WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.