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  • -Our next guest is the host of "Mike Vecchione Investigates,"

  • available at Apple Podcasts.

  • Please welcome one of our favorites back

  • to "The Tonight Show" stage, the very funny Mike Vecchione!

  • ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ]

  • -Thank you so much, everybody. It's great to be here.

  • First, I would like to thank Mr. Jimmy Fallon for bringing

  • live stand-up comedy back to television.

  • Amazing.

  • And shout-out to New York City.

  • We're coming back, baby.

  • We're gonna make it. We're gonna make it.

  • There are some things I'm going to miss about

  • the pandemic, though.

  • For example, walking into a restaurant

  • and having my temperature taken like I'm being executed.

  • I enjoy it. "This is to make you feel safe!"

  • I like it when the hostess takes a break

  • and I go up and take the thermometer

  • and I just start using it on people for comedy reasons.

  • A couple walks in.

  • You know, I point it to the woman

  • and I go, "You're pregnant.

  • You're pregnant."

  • Then I point it to the guy and go, "You're not the father."

  • I've been going to the gym.

  • And there's a lot of paperwork at the gym now.

  • I go there. The guy gives me like 10 forms.

  • I go, "Yeah, I'm not trying to purchase the gym.

  • I'm just trying to get a workout."

  • He goes, "We're trying to determine whether you're

  • healthy enough to be at the gym."

  • I'm like, "Hey, buddy, let me save you some trouble.

  • I'm not healthy enough to be at the gym.

  • If I was healthy enough to be at the gym,

  • I wouldn't be at the gym, okay?

  • I'd be at home eating doughnuts."

  • I try to keep up with my mental health.

  • I'm doing affirmations.

  • And the affirmation I do is "Millionaire Mindset."

  • Every morning, I sit on the couch, I close my eyes,

  • and I repeat the phrase, "I am a very powerful millionaire.

  • I am a very powerful millionaire.

  • Hey, guys, I'm a very powerful millionaire."

  • Girlfriend walks out, shakes me,

  • interrupts my mind-set, you know?

  • And she goes, "You left the dishes in the sink last night.

  • Is that what we're doing?

  • Leaving the dishes in the sink?"

  • I turn to her.

  • I'm like, "Do you know who you're talking to?

  • I am a very powerful millionaire.

  • You can't talk to a very powerful millionaire that way."

  • But later, I found out she had been doing

  • "A Billionaire Mindset."

  • But arguments can escalate in quarantine.

  • They really can.

  • For example, my girlfriend is from Indiana.

  • And did you guys know that people from Indiana

  • do not like to be called hillbillies?

  • Yeah. That is a slur.

  • The politically correct term is "farm-to-table."

  • The farm-to-tables don't like it

  • when you call them hillbillies.

  • It gets their overalls in a twist.

  • So, the argument -- it's escalating.

  • She goes, "You're always mad at me.

  • That's the problem."

  • I go, "I don't think that's true."

  • She goes, "It is, and to prove it,

  • I'm going to start a log.

  • Every time you get mad at me,

  • I'm going to write it down in the log."

  • I was like, "Look, no disrespect,

  • but you have a tendency to overreact sometimes,

  • so I would like access to the log."

  • She goes, "No, you will not have access to the log."

  • I go, "Well, then I'm gonna start my own log.

  • Every time you deny me access to your log,

  • I'm gonna write it down in my log."

  • And that was the last argument we had.

  • We don't argue anymore because it's too much paperwork.

  • I figure if I want to do that much paperwork,

  • I'd go to the gym.

  • I'm a Catholic, and I've been praying for you guys.

  • You're welcome.

  • When you're Catholic, what you do is, you go to church.

  • It's open now. It's legal.

  • You say a prayer. You light a candle.

  • But I'm a very competitive Catholic.

  • So before I light my candle,

  • I blow everybody else's candle out.

  • I've been losing massive amounts of weight in the quarantine

  • because I've been doing intermittent fasting.

  • And the philosophy behind intermittent fasting

  • is that you're not supposed to eat all the time.

  • Sometimes, you're not supposed to eat.

  • And I was doing it as a child

  • because my father had a gambling problem.

  • He would lose the money that we were gonna use to buy food --

  • he would lose it on football.

  • And my friends were no help.

  • They're like, "Mike, are you going to eat this week?"

  • I was like, "I don't know. Did the Dolphins win by 3?"

  • That's all my time. You guys are amazing.

  • Thank you so much. New York City, baby!

  • ♪♪

  • -Mike Vecchione, thank you for being here in the studio!

  • Mike Vecchione!

  • Check out "Mike Vecchione -- You can't see,

  • but you're getting a standing ovation

  • from those 10 people right there.

  • We love you, buddy. Thank you for doing that.

  • Check out "Mike Vecchione Investigates"

  • at Apple Podcasts.

-Our next guest is the host of "Mike Vecchione Investigates,"

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B1 TheTonightShow log gym millionaire intermittent fasting fasting

Mike Vecchione: Daily Affirmations and Intermittent Fasting | The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

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    林宜悉 posted on 2021/03/11
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