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  • >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!

  • WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • WE'RE EXCITED TO SEE YOU.

  • AS ISAID, WELCOME BACK.

  • A WEEKEND IS TOO LONG TO BE AWAY FROM YOU.

  • WE'RE GOING TO KICK RIGHT OFF WITH THE ONLY STORY THAT MATTERS

  • TONIGHT, AND THAT'S WHAT'S ON TV NEXT SUNDAY.

  • BECAUSE MY CBS COLLEAGUE OPRAH WINFREY HAS RELEASED A TEASER OF

  • NEXT WEEK'S BLOCKBUSTER INTERVIEW WITH PRINCE HARRY AND

  • MEGHAN MARKLE.

  • OH, MY GOD.

  • I CAN'T BELIEVE ACTUAL ROYALTY IS GOING TO TALK TO HARRY AND

  • MEGHAN.

  • MR. AND MRS. SUSSEX ARE UNDENIABLY EVERYONE'S FAVORITE

  • ROYALS.

  • RIGHT AFTER THE QUEEN, KATE MIDDLETON, AND THE DUKE OF

  • HASTINGS FROM THE WAIST DOWN.

  • MMM!

  • MMM!

  • GOD, I HOPE THAT'S A BLUR.

  • HE SHOULD SEE A DOCTOR.

  • THIS INTERVIEW IS ALL ANYONE CAN TALK ABOUT.

  • EVEN THOUGH THERE'S NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT, BECAUSE THE SHOW

  • WON'T AIR UNTIL SUNDAY 8:00 P.M.

  • EASTERN, 7:00 CENTRAL ON YOUR LOCAL CBS STATION.

  • SMOOTH.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) BUT STILL, THE ANTICIPATION IS

  • WILD.

  • FOR 24 HOURS, THIS INTERVIEW WAS THE TOP OF "THE DRUDGE REPORT."

  • NORMALLY, TO MAKE IT THAT HIGH ON "DRUDGE," YOU GOT TO BE AN AD

  • PROMISING ONE WEIRD TRICK TO SHRINK YOUR ENLARGED PROSTATE.

  • OR A TACTICAL VEST... FOR YOUR ENLARGED PROSTATE.

  • WHAT DID THEY TALK ABOUT?

  • FROM THE TEASER, IT'S A LITTLE HARD TO TELL:

  • >> WERE YOU SILENT OR WERE YOU SILENCED?

  • >> I JUST WANT TO MAKE IT CLEAR TO EVERYBODY THAT THERE IS NO

  • SUBJECT THAT'S OFF LIMITS.

  • >> YOU'VE SAID SOME PRETTY SHOCKING THINGS HERE.

  • >> WAIT, HOLD-- HOLD UP, WAIT A MINUTE.

  • >> STEPHEN: WOW, WHATEVER THEY SAID, AND IT IS UNKNOWABLE, IT

  • STUNNED OPRAH.

  • IT'S EITHER SOME REALLY JUICY DISH, OR SHE ASKED FOR SPARKLING

  • WATER AND THEY BROUGHT HER STILL.

  • BUT YOU HEARD HER: NO SUBJECT WAS OFF LIMITS.

  • WHICH I HOPE MEANS THE FIRST HOUR IS HOT GOSS ON THE CAST OF

  • "SUITS."

  • IS GABRIEL MACHT A DIVA?

  • ALSO, WHO IS GABRIEL MACHT?

  • I HAVEN'T SEEN THE SHOW.

  • HEAR GOOD THINGS.

  • WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON?

  • WHAT DO WE HAVE?

  • OH, WE HAVE THE THING.

  • C-PAC.

  • THIS WEEKEND WAS THE ANNUAL CONSERVATIVE POLITICAL ACTION

  • CONFERENCE, BILLED AS "THE LARGEST AND MOST INFLUENTIAL

  • GATHERING OF CONSERVATIVES IN THE WORLD."

  • THAT'S IF YOU DON'T COUNT THEIR LAST GATHERING.

  • THIS WEEKEND'S LINEUP INCLUDED A BUNCH OF PEOPLE WHO SPREAD THE

  • BIG LIE THAT LED TO THE INSURRECTION, LIKE TEXAS SENATOR

  • TED CRUZ, MISSOURI SENATOR JOSH HAWLEY, AND ARIZONA

  • REPRESENTATIVE PAUL GOSAR.

  • IT WAS A MURDERER'S ROW OF PEOPLE WHO ALMOST GOT MIKE PENCE

  • MURDERED.

  • BEFORE THE SPEAKERS EVEN OPENED THEIR MOUTHS, CPAC GOT OFF TO A

  • ROUGH START, BECAUSE EAGLE-EYED TWITTER USERS POINTED OUT THAT

  • THE CONVENTION STAGE WAS IN THE SHAPE OF AN ODAL RUNE, WHICH IS

  • A SYMBOL USED ON SOME NAZI UNIFORMS.

  • OKAY, HOW MUCH RESEMBLANCE ARE WE TALKING HERE?

  • THIS IS THE SHAPE OF THE STAGE, AND HERE IS THE S.S. UNIFORM

  • WITH THE ODAL RUNE-- HOLY HIMMLER!

  • NOW, SOME PEOPLE SAY THEY DON'T SEE IT, BUT WHEN YOU LOOK AT

  • THEM SIDE BY SIDE, IT'S KIND OF HARD TO "NAZI" IT.

  • FASCIST SYMBOLISM ASIDE, ONE OF THE STUPIDEST MOMENTS OF THE

  • ENTIRE STUPID WEEKEND CAME FROM TEXAS SENATOR AND

  • WATER-LOGGED CORPSE OF THE NOTRE DAME LEPRECHAUN, TED CRUZ.

  • CRUZ CAREFULLY EXPLAINED THE STAKES OF OUR NATIONAL CONFLICT

  • WITH AN EASY TO FOLLOW ANALOGY.

  • >> THE MEDIA HERE LOOKS AT THE MEN AND WOMEN GATHERED HERE, AT

  • THE YOUNG PEOPLE GATHERED HERE, AS DANGEROUS RADICALS.

  • THIS IS THE REBEL ALLIANCE AND VADER AND THE EMPEROR, AND LET'S

  • BE CLEAR, THEY'RE NOT YOUR FATHER, ARE TERRIFIED OF THE

  • REBELS WHO ARE HERE.

  • WE AREN'T THE BORG ENFORCING, OKAY, I MAY HAVE COMMITTED A

  • CARDINAL SIN, MIXING "STAR WARS" AND "STAR TREK."

  • NEXT THING YOU KNOW, YOU'RE GOING TO CROSS THE STREAMS AND

  • THE STAY-PUFT MARSHMALLOW MAN IS GOING TO COME.

  • >> STEPHEN: (AS CRUZ) "STAY WITH ME HERE... WE'RE

  • DOCTOR WHO, BUT NOT THE LADY ONE, AND WE'VE GOT ALL THE

  • INFINITY STONES EXCEPT FOR THE SORCERER'S STONE WHICH IS STILL

  • AT HOGWARTS IN THAT WARDROBE WITH THE WITCH AND THE LION, WHO

  • IS NOT.

  • MY.

  • DAD."

  • CRUZ WRAPPED UP HIS SPEECH, MAKING ONE THING CLEAR: HE KNOWS

  • EVEN MORE MOVIE REFERENCES: >> IN THE IMMORTAL WORDS OF

  • WILLIAM WALLACE, "FREEDOM!" >> STEPHEN: CONSIDERING THE

  • SHAPE OF THAT STAGE, I BET HE WASN'T THE ONLY PERSON AT CPAC

  • QUOTING MEL GIBSON.

  • THE HEADLINER OF THE WEEKEND WAS THE FORMER PRESIDENT.

  • HIS SPEECH WAS PRETTY LIGHT ON SUBSTANCE AND ENERGY, BUT THERE

  • WAS ONE MAJOR REVELATION: HE TOLD THE AUDIENCE THAT HE WOULD

  • NOT START A THIRD PARTY.

  • OF COURSE HE ISN'T GOING TO START A NEW POLITICAL PARTY.

  • HE ALREADY OWNS ONE!

  • THESE PEOPLE WORSHIP THE GROUND HE WALKS ON.

  • LITERALLY.

  • THE BIGGEST ATTRACTION AT CPAC WAS THE GIANT GOLDEN STATUE OF

  • HIM.

  • NOTHING SAYS THE PARTY OF CHRISTIAN VALUES LIKE

  • WORSHIPPING A GOLDEN IDOL.

  • AND IT'S AN OLD TESTAMENT TWO-FER, 'CAUSE HE'LL ALSO COVET

  • YOUR WIFE, NEIGHBOR.

  • NOW, HE SAID A LOT OF THINGS AND SOME OF IT WAS STUPID, AND THE

  • REST WAS DANGEROUS.

  • BUT I'M NOT GOING TO PLAY ANY OF THE CLIPS, BECAUSE THE COUNTRY

  • NEEDS TO MOVE ON AND, FRANKLY, I DON'T CARE ANYMORE.

  • >> STEPHEN... STEPHEN...

  • >> Stephen: JIMMY, WHAT'S THAT?

  • >> COME ON, STEPHEN, IT'S ME, YOUR FAVORITE FORMER PRESIDENT

  • WHOSE NAME YOU WON'T SAY.

  • >> STEPHEN: PLEASE LEAVE.

  • >> DON'T YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT ME?

  • >> Stephen: NO.

  • COME ON.

  • I SAID "FRAGRANT" WHEN I MEANT TO SAY, "FLAGRANT."

  • JUST PLAY THAT ONE.

  • IT'LL BE HILARIOUS.

  • >> STEPHEN: I'M GOOD.

  • >> BUT YOU USED TO TELL JOKES ABOUT ME ALL THE TIME, REMEMBER?

  • MY NAKED CORRUPTION, MY GROSS INCOMPETENCE, MY TINY LITTLE

  • HANDS...

  • AND DON'T FORGET MY RIDICULOUS HAIR.

  • IT LOOKS LIKE A MERKIN FELL INTO--

  • >> STEPHEN: A COTTON CANDY MACHINE.

  • YEAH, I REMEMBER.

  • BUT YOU'RE NOT IN POWER ANYMORE, SO JUST TAKE A HIKE.

  • >> STEPHEN: BUT I SPOKE AT CPAC YESTERDAY!

  • IT'S SUCH AN IMPORTANT, NEWSWORTHY EVENT!

  • I'M STILL SO RELEVANT.

  • IF PEOPLE DON'T TALK ABOUT ME, I'LL MELT.

  • I'M MELTING.

  • I'M MELTING.

  • OR MAYBE THAT'S JUST MY BRONZER.

  • GOODBYE NOT CRUEL ENOUGH WORLD.

  • PSYCH!

  • I'M NEVER LEAVING!

  • SEE YOU IN 2024!

  • >> Stephen: GO, GET OUT!

  • GET OUT!

  • >> AAAHHH!

  • >> Stephen: SPEAKING OF GOLDEN IDOLS, LAST

  • NIGHT THEY HELD THE GOLDEN GLOBES.

  • THIS YEAR THE GLOBES WERE HOSTED BY TINA FEY AND AMY POEHLER ON

  • OPPOSITE COASTS, AND MOST OF THE CELEBS JOINED IN VIA ZOOM.

  • ALL THE GLAMOUR WAS FROM THE WAIST UP, SO WE HAD NO IDEA IF

  • THE DRAPES MATCHED THE RED CARPET.

  • THIS YEAR'S LOOKS RAN THE GAMUT FROM CYNTHIA ERIVO IN VALENTINO

  • AND NICOLE KIDMAN IN LOUIS VUITTON ALL THE WAY TO JASON

  • SUDEIKIS IN TIE-DYE HOODIE.

  • YOU CAN SHOP JASON SUDEKIS'S LOOK BY DIGGING INTO THE BOTTOM

  • OF YOUR HAMPER AND THEN TAKING THAT EDIBLE YOU'VE BEEN SAVING

  • FOR AN EMERGENCY.

  • GOOD FOR YOU, JASON.

  • KEEPING IT REAL.

  • THIS YEAR'S GLOBES CAME UNDER A LOT OF SCRUTINY AFTER A FORMER

  • PRESIDENT OF THE HOLLYWOOD FOREIGN PRESS ASSOCIATION

  • ADMITTED THE GROUP HASN'T HAD ANY BLACK MEMBERS IN TWO

  • DECADES.

  • EXPLAINS WHY IN PAST YEARS, THEY'VE GIVEN GOLDEN GLOBES TO

  • "GREEN BOOK" AND HELLMAN'S.

  • LAST NIGHT THE GLOBES TRIED TO REMEDY THE PROBLEM BY PUTTING AS

  • MANY BLACK PRESENTERS ON SCREEN AS POSSIBLE.

  • A BOLD EFFORT, BUT IT KIND OF LOOKED LIKE AN ALL WHITE HIGH

  • SCHOOL TRYING TO PUT TOGETHER A YEARBOOK THAT LOOKED DIVERSE.

  • "HEY MALIK, I KNOW YOU'RE ACTUALLY NOT IN FRENCH CLUB, BUT

  • PARLEZ VOUS DIVERSITE?

  • GRAB A BAGUETTE AND GET IN HERE."

  • THAT JOKE BY OUR WRITER JOHN THIBODEAUX.

  • JOHN, YOU WANT TO GET IN HERE?

  • >> NOPE.

  • >> STEPHEN: OKAY!

  • BUT THE BIG NEWS OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN THE GOLDEN GLOBE FOR

  • BEST ORIGINAL SCORE WAS WON BY OUR FRIEND, MR. JON BATISTE.

  • COME ON!

  • FOR HIS WORK ON THE SOUNDTRACK OF "SOUL."

  • I'M SO HAPPY FOR JON.

  • I'M SO GRATEFUL TO BE ABLE TO WORK WITH HIM EVERY DAY, BECAUSE

  • A MAN OF HIS TALENT CAN WORK ANYWHERE... EXCEPT, EVIDENTLY,

  • THE HOLLYWOOD FOREIGN PRESS.

  • ONE PERSON NOT ENJOYING THE SPOTLIGHT RIGHT NOW IS NEW YORK

  • GOVERNOR AND SHAR PEI WHEN YOU BRING HOME THE NEW BABY, ANDREW

  • CUOMO.

  • FIRST, THE GOVERNOR WAS ARC CAUSED OF

  • COVERING UP COVID DEATHS IN NURSING HOMES, NOW TWO FORMER

  • AIDES ACCUSED HIM OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT IN THE WORKPLACE.

  • THE FIRST, A FORMER STATE ECONOMIC DEVELOPMENT OFFICIAL,

  • LINDSEY BOYLAN, SAID CUOMO HARASSED HER ON SEVERAL

  • OCCASIONS FROM 2016-2018, AT ONE POINT GIVING HER AN UNSOLICITED

  • KISS ON THE LIPS AT HIS MANHATTAN OFFICE.

  • SHE ALSO SAID ON A FLIGHT BACK ON A FLIGHT TO NEW YORK THE

  • GOVERNOR SAID LET'S PLAY STRIP POKER.

  • MY FIRST REACTION WAS: THAT IS ENTIRELY INAPPROPRIATE.

  • MY SECOND REACTION WAS: STRIP POKER ON A PLANE?

  • HOW LIMBER IS HE?

  • "ALL RIGHT, I GOT A PAIR OF TWOS.

  • THE REST IS SLOP.

  • GOTTA TAKE OFF THESE PANTS.

  • EXCUSE ME, COULD YOU MOVE YOUR SEAT-BACK UP?

  • MY BELT'S GETTING CAUGHT IN THE MAGAZINE POCKET."

  • BUT THEN, I FOUND OUT IT WAS A PRIVATE JET.

  • OR IN THIS CASE, "PRIVATES."

  • CUOMO'S OFFICE DENIED BOYLAN'S ACCUSATIONS, BUT THEN THE

  • GOVERNOR WAS ALSO ACCUSED OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT BY HIS FORMER

  • EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT AND HEALTH POLICY ADVISER, CHARLOTTE

  • BENNETT.

  • BENNETT HAD JUST TURNED 25 LAST YEAR WHEN CUOMO ASKED HER IN HIS

  • OFFICE IF SHE "HAD EVER BEEN WITH AN OLDER MAN."

  • (AS CUOMO) "REALLY OLD, BUT STILL KIND OF

  • CUT.

  • MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE A NIPPLE RING?

  • RINGING ANY BELLS, THAT MIGHT BE HANGING FROM M NIPPLE RING?"

  • THIS TIME, CUOMO APOLOGIZED, BUT GAVE THIS EXCUSE:

  • "AT WORK SOMETIMES I THINK I AM BEING PLAYFUL AND MAKE JOKES

  • THAT I THINK ARE FUNNY."

  • I KNOW THAT ONE.

  • "KNOCK-KNOCK."

  • "WHO'S THERE?" "AN OLDER MAN."

  • "AN OLDER MAN WHO?" "AN OLDER MAN WHO IS NOT TOO OLD

  • TO HAVE SEX WITH!" BENNETT ALSO SAYS THAT AS THEY

  • WERE DISCUSSING HER 25TH BIRTHDAY, CUOMO SAID THAT HE

  • FELT "HE'S FINE WITH ANYONE ABOVE THE AGE OF 22."

  • WOW, HER OFFICE BIRTHDAY PARTY MUST HAVE BEEN AWKWARD:

  • "HAPPY THIRD YEAR I'M WILLING TO DATE YOU!"

  • BENNETT BELIEVES THE GOVERNOR WAS GROOMING HER BY TRYING TO

  • GET CLOSE, REMEMBERING THAT AT ONE POINT THEY BONDED OVER THE

  • FACT THAT SHE HAD PLAYED MIDDLE-SCHOOL SOCCER AGAINST ONE

  • OF HIS DAUGHTERS.

  • I HOPE HE'S NOT ONE OF THOSE NIGHTMARE SPORTS DADS WHO'S

  • ALWAYS YELLING, "HEY, REF!

  • HOW OLD IS THAT ONE?" NOW, PEOPLE ARE CALLING FOR AN

  • INDEPENDENT INVESTIGATION, LIKE NEW YORK MAYOR BILL DEBLASIO,

  • SEEN HERE PROVING NOT ALL SUPER HEROES WEAR CAPES, OR ARE SUPER,

  • OR ARE HEROES.

  • DEBLASIO AND CUOMO ARE FRIENDLY RIVALS, MUCH THE SAME WAY A

  • COBRA AND A MONGOOSE LIKE TO KID EACH OTHER.

  • WHICH MAY BE WHY DEBLASIO SEEMED SO QUICK TO CALL CUOMO'S ALLEGED

  • BEHAVIOR "JUST DISGUSTING, CREEPY.