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  • -Welcome, everybody, welcome, welcome, welcome to

  • "The Tonight Show"!

  • [ Cheering and applause ]

  • Well, guys, today the Senate finally began debating

  • the $1.9 trillion COVID relief bill.

  • I guess my first question is, how are we still debating this?

  • [ Laughter ] The only thing built up more

  • than this bill is Oprah's interview with Meghan Markle.

  • [ Laughter ] Just release it. Do it already.

  • Yeah. Let's go, already.

  • In the time between the first stimulus and this one,

  • 300 new streaming services have been created.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Normally, when you promise someone $1,400

  • and wait this long to deliver,

  • two guys in track suits are knocking on your door

  • with a baseball bat. It's like -- [ Laughter ]

  • [ Italian accent ] I guess they didn't cover the spread.

  • That's unfortunate.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That's unfortunate for you and your family.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Seriously, at this rate,

  • COVID is going to pass before this bill does.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Meanwhile, as if it wasn't held up enough,

  • Republican Senator Ron Johnson forced a full reading

  • of the 628-page bill,

  • which is expected to take about 10 hours.

  • And, to make it feel even longer,

  • Johnson hired Gilbert Gottfried to do the reading.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ As Gottfried ] Congress shall henceforth

  • make appropriations

  • for the following.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • This means, for 10 hours, Ted Cruz wasn't

  • the most hated senator in Congress.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • On the bright side, after he causes a 10-hour delay,

  • Johnson will immediately get a job offer from Delta.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Mr. Johnson, we think you're

  • Delta material all the way.

  • Ten hours! Wow!

  • I've never seen anything like that."

  • Maybe we'll get Gilbert to do the pilot readings.

  • [ As Gottfried ] To your left is the Grand Canyon! To the --

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Senator Johnson is against the relief bill

  • and his reasoning is pretty unique.

  • Take a look at this.

  • -These sums are just incomprehensible.

  • If you stack dollar bills, one on top of each other,

  • a trillion-dollar stack is over 130,000 miles high.

  • It would reach more than halfway to the Moon.

  • That's what we're talking about indebting

  • our children with, into the future,

  • a stack of $1 bills

  • that reaches more than halfway to the Moon.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • What?

  • He was speaking to the zero percent of people

  • who don't understand that a trillion is a lot.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Americans are like, "Sure,

  • we needed the money to support my family,

  • but then, then I heard that Moon analogy.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It really hit home for me."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • If you stack those dollar bills, you know --

  • No, I haven't been drinking too much, honey.

  • [ Laughter ] If you stack dollar bills,

  • it's almost halfway on the way to the Moon.

  • You ever think about that?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • No, I never thought about that.

  • It got weird when Johnson bought a sandwich for lunch

  • and said, "$9? [ Scoff ]

  • If you stack that up, that's --

  • that's one quarter of the sandwich.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I'm crazy?"

  • Meanwhile, Jeff Bezos is so bored, he's like,

  • "Should we try it?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Why not?"

  • Then, this morning, from the Senate floor,

  • Republican John Kennedy wanted to emphasize

  • how much the government has spent on recent relief bills

  • and he chose a strange way to do it. Watch this.

  • -Spent a lot of money,

  • about $4 trillion.

  • That's four, zero zero zero,

  • zero zero zero, zero zero zero,

  • zero zero zero.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -How easy is it to get a Senate seat?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Just do it.

  • [ Cheering and applause ]

  • Get one.

  • Again, that was for the [ As Kennedy ] zero zero

  • people who don't get that $4 trillion is a lot of money!

  • We get it!

  • It's almost halfway to the Moon!

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Almost.

  • Not quite!

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Today, the Senate was working, of course,

  • but the House of Representatives canceled their session

  • because there were rumors

  • of a possible attack on the Capitol.

  • So, here, let's see what members of the House did

  • with their day off. First up, Congressman...

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Microphone static crackling ]

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Shh!

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Next up, Congressman...

  • That's cool.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Here's Congressman...

  • He...

  • Aw. [ Laughter and applause ]

  • [ As Ray ] Do you know the human head weighs --

  • Yeah, say it, buddy. Do the hits.

  • Up next, Congressman...

  • He...

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Next, we have Congressman...

  • He...

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • -♪ She's my lady

  • Forever

  • And, finally, Congresswoman...

  • [ Laughter and applause ] Well, it's good to know

  • they all had a nice day off.

  • [ Applause ]

  • Well, as I said earlier, a lot of people are talking

  • about Oprah's upcoming interview this weekend

  • with Prince Harry and Meghan Markle,

  • and there's reportedly "no subject that's off-limits."

  • [ Laughter ] There's no subject that's off--

  • Really?

  • Yeah, there's no subject off-limits.

  • Alright, Oprah, if there's no subject,

  • Oprah should just ask them

  • a bunch of "Family Feud"-style questions, like,

  • "Meghan, if Harry has been in the bathroom more

  • than five minutes,

  • name something he might be doing."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yeah, the interview is getting a lot of attention.

  • Meanwhile, Prince Andrew is like,

  • "Yeah, yeah, yeah, keep focusing on those guys.

  • Nothing else to worry about, right?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • See what those guys are doing.

  • That's -- That's the big controversy."

  • And, finally, I saw that Chili's

  • is celebrating its birthday this month

  • with one-gallon margaritas to go.

  • Take a look at this thing.

  • [ Laughter ] Right now, kids are like,

  • "That looks just like my Zoom teacher's juice box."

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Do you know how much you'll remember

  • after drinking a gallon of margarita?

  • -Zero zero zero,

  • zero zero, zero. -There they go.

  • Thank you. We have a great show!

-Welcome, everybody, welcome, welcome, welcome to

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GOP Delays COVID-19 Relief; Harry and Meghan’s Big Interview | The Tonight Show

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    林宜悉 posted on 2021/03/05
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