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  • IT'S BEEN KIND OF COOL HERE IN LOS ANGELES.

  • I DON'T LIKE THE COLD.

  • REGGIE, WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE KIND OF WEATHER?

  • >> I DON'T MIND IT, PUTTING ON A COUPLE OF SWEATERS.

  • >> James: HOW ABOUT THE WEIGHT LOSS?

  • >> Reggie: I USED TO BE A SHORTS GUY IN ANY SORT OF

  • WEATHER GUY.

  • >> James: LIKE HOW WAS HE WEARING A PAIR OF SHORTS IN THIS

  • >> Reggie: LIKE A MEATBALL FALLING OUT OF THE SANDWICH.

  • >> James: YOU DON'T COME HERE FOR THE WEATHER, YOU COME HERE

  • FOR NEWS.

  • YOU COME HERE FOR HARD FACTS AND DAMMIT, THAT'S WHAT WE'RE

  • GOING TO GIVE THEM.

  • THE VOTE ON PRESIDENT BIDEN'S COVID RELIEF BILL HAS BEEN

  • DELAYED IN THE SENATE, AND IT LOOKS LIKE IT COULD BE DELAYED

  • EVEN LONGER.

  • REPUBLICAN RON JOHNSON IS PLANNING TO FORCE A READING OF

  • THE ENTIRE 600-PAGE BILL ON THE SENATE FLOOR, WHICH WOULD TAKE

  • TEN HOURS.

  • I'M GOING TO WAIT UNTIL IT'S ADAPTED ON NETFLIX.

  • I'LL WATCH IT THEN, YOU KNOW?

  • THE 600-PAGE BILL WILL BE READ ALOUD IN THE SENATE, FOR TEN

  • HOURS.

  • THIS IS THE POLITICAL EQUIVALENT OF MAKING SOMEONE COME TO YOUR

  • IMPROV SHOW.

  • "OKAY, I'M GOING TO NEED THE NAME OF A CITY?

  • AND AN OCCUPATION?" WHAT HAVE YOU GOT?

  • HE'S PLANNING TO FORCE A READING OF THE ENTIRE BILL OUT LOUD.

  • IF YOU ASK ME, RON JOHNSON IS ACTING LIKE A REAL RON JOHNSON.

  • IF YOU'RE NOT FAMILIAR WITH RON JOHNSON, HE IS WHAT HAPPENED

  • IF YOU'RE NOT FAMILIAR WITH RON JOHNSON, HE IS WHAT HAPPENED

  • WHEN AN EXPERIMENT TO CLONE MIKE PENCE WENT WRONG.

  • IN OTHER WHITE HOUSE NEWS, PRESIDENT BIDEN'S CABINET IS

  • TAKING SHAPE-- BUT IT'S COMING TOGETHER MORE SLOWLY THAN ANY

  • ADMINISTRATION IN MODERN HISTORY.

  • CURRENTLY, BIDEN'S CABINET IS HALF EMPTY.

  • ALTHOUGH, I PREFER TO LOOK AT IT AS "HALF FULL."

  • I DON'T KNOW WHAT PEOPLE EXPECTED.

  • THE MAN FIRST RAN FOR PRESIDENT IN 1988, AND DIDN'T WIN UNTIL

  • 2020.

  • SPEED'S NEVER REALLY BEEN HIS THING.

  • PLUS, BIDEN IS 78 YEARS OLD.

  • USUALLY WHEN HE FILLS A CABINET, IT'S WITH CUTE LITTLE FIGURINES

  • HE PAINTED IN A CERAMICS CLASS.

  • MOVING ON TO THE COVID FRONT WE THOUGHT THIS WAS INTERESTING.

  • IN ORDER TO PROTECT VACCINES FROM BEING STOLEN, SHIPPING

  • COMPANIES ARE NOW USING "JAMES BOND-LEVEL" SECURITY MEASURES,

  • INCLUDING PANIC BUTTONS, KILL SWITCHES, AND UNDERCOVER GUARDS.

  • "THE NAME'S JOHNSON.

  • JOHNSON -- I DON'T KNOW WHY I PUT AN AMERICAN AK SINT.

  • WE'RE DOING BOND, IN CASE YOU DIDN'T -- WHY NOT DO THAT?

  • THE MOST ICONIC BRITISH CHARACTER OUTSIDE OF PADDINGTON.

  • >> BECAUSE YOU WERE ABOUT TO DO JOHNSON YOU TIPPED BACK TO --

  • >> James: I.TIPPED BACK TO RON JOHNSON, VERY ASTUTE

  • GUILLERMO.

  • WHO DO YOU THINK THE NEXT BOND WILL BE?

  • IF YOU GOT TO PUT SOMEBODY'S NAME ON IT WHAT COULD IT BE?

  • >> Reggie: I THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE IDRIS.

  • IT'S A HARD ONE.

  • YEAH HOW ABOUT A BRITISH MAN?

  • >> HE'S ALMOST TOO BEAUTIFUL TO BE A BOND.

  • HE'S SO GORGEOUS I FEEL BAD ENOUGH TO GET BEAT UP BUT IF

  • IT'S BY A GUY THAT GOOD LOOKING, HE DIDN'T HAVE TO KILL ANYBODY,

  • THEY WOULD DO IT THEMSELVES.

  • YEAH HE DOESN'T HAVE THE EYES OF A KILLER.

  • >> DANIEL CRAIG IS HOT DON'T GET ME WRONG --

  • >> James: BUT HE COULD BE AN UBER DRIVER.

  • THREE WRONG CHOICES YOU'RE LIKE I'L TIP HIM 20%, HE WAS PRETTY

  • HOT!

  • (LAUGHTER) >> James: I'M ALWAYS SHOCKED

  • IN BOND WHEN HE SAYS THE NAME BOND, JAMES BOND, THAT NOBODY

  • GOES OH, FROM THE FILMS?

  • NOT ONE CHARACTER, NOT ONE CHARACTER IN BOND HAS WATCHED A

  • BOND MOVIE!

  • I'M CONSTANTLY AMAZED.

  • OH MY GOD FROM THEIR FILMS, BASED ON THE IAN FLEMING FILMS.

  • BACK TO THE ORIGINAL SHOW, THE NAME IS JOHNSON JOHNSON &

  • JOHNSON.

  • THE VACCINE IS EXACTLY LIKE THE UPCOMING JAMES BOND MOVIE...

  • BECAUSE BOTH HAVE BEEN DELAYED MULTIPLE TIMES, AND I'M GETTING

  • PRETTY FRUSTRATED BY IT.

  • IN FACT, THIS WHOLE THING HAS ALREADY INSPIRED THE NEXT BOND

  • FILM...

  • "GOLD-PFIZER."

  • SHOULD WE PUT TOGETHER A CREW FOR A HEIST TO TRY TO GET THESE

  • VACCINES LIKE THEY'RE SHIPPING AROUND?

  • >> OH YEAH.

  • >> James: I THINK WE GOT A GOOD CREW HERE.

  • WHAT IS THE GREASE-MAN?

  • YOU'RE THE GREASE-MAN RIGHT?

  • >> THIS IS AN ENGLISH THING I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

  • >> James: THE GREASE MAN, YOU GET IN AMONGST IT.

  • I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT EITHER, I THOUGHT IT WAS AN AMERICAN

  • THING.

  • AS I LOOK AROUND THE ROOM -- I'M LESS CONFIDENT IN OUR ABILITIES.

  • >> WAIT, WHAT ARE THE POSITIONS?

  • WHAT ARE THE POSITIONS?

  • THERE IS A FIXER.

  • YOU NEED A FIXER TOO.

  • >> James: I THINK -- >> DRIVER.

  • I'LL BE A DREFER.

  • >> James: YOU BE A DRIVER, REGGIE IS A DRIVER.

  • AGAR IS THE TEMPTRESS.

  • AND AGAR, IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY TOMORROW?

  • >> IT'S SATURDAY.

  • >> James: SATURDAY?

  • THEN FORGET IT.

  • AND DID YOU GUYS SEE THIS?

  • HAPPY BIRTHDAY FOR SATURDAY.

  • HAPPY BIRTHDAY FOR SATURDAY.

  • >> HAPPY BIRTHDAY HAGAR YOU'RE THE LOVELIEST.

  • >> James: SO DID YOU GUYS SEE THIS?

  • A GROUP OF GREAT APES AT THE SAN DIEGO ZOO HAVE BECOME THE

  • VERY FIRST NON-HUMANS TO GET THE COVID VACCINE SHOT.

  • GOOD TO KNOW WHERE YOU RANK, ISN'T IT?

  • (LAUGHTER) >> James: GOOD TO KNOW ON THE

  • LIST OF SPECIES WE CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT, HOW FAR AWAY FROM THE

  • GROUP OF APES THE AT THE SAN DIEGO ZOO.

  • THE VACCINE WAS GIVEN TO SEVERAL GREAT APES, PLUS A COUPLE OF

  • GOOD APES, AND THEN ONE APE WHO WAS JUST SORT OF OKAY.

  • AND-- THIS IS TRUE-- ONE OF THE APES IS AN ORANGUTAN NAMED

  • KAREN.

  • SHE WASN'T ORIGINALLY SUPPOSED TO RECEIVE THE VACCINE...

  • SHE JUST COMPLAINED TO THE ZOO'S MANAGER UNTIL SHE FINALLY GOT

  • HER WAY.

  • AND IN INTERNATIONAL NEWS, VISITORS TO CHINA ARE ANGRY

  • BECAUSE EVERYONE COMING INTO THE COUNTRY IS NOW REQUIRED TO TAKE

  • CHINA'S VERSION OF A COVID TEST, WHICH IS ADMINISTERED BY ANAL

  • SWAB.

  • CHINA SAYS IT'S MORE ACCURATE.

  • OTHERS SAY IT ISN'T.

  • SOMEONE SHOULD REALLY GET TO THE...

  • BOTTOM OF THIS.

  • THERE SHOULD BE SOME SORT OF PROBE INTO THIS!

  • VISITORS TO CHINA SAY THEY ARE BEING PRESSURED TO TAKE THE ANAL

  • VERSION.

  • CHINESE OFFICIALS JUST KEEP TELLING THEM, "COME ON, IT'S MY

  • BIRTHDAY!

  • (LAUGHTER) >> James: LET'S TRY IT ONCE.

  • AND LOOK AT THE INSTRUCTIONAL GRAPHIC THAT GOES ALONG WITH THE

  • TEST.

  • LOOK AT THAT!

  • THAT WAS SOMEONE'S JOB TO MAKE THAT!

  • SOMEONE SITTING AT HOME DRAWING THAT.

  • LIKE IS DINNER READY?

  • NO, I'LL BE THERE IN A MINUTE.

  • I CAN'T GET THIS BUTT SWAB RIGHT.

  • AND, THIS IS EXCITING-- THE MAKER OF A SUPERSONIC JET WHICH

  • WILL BE ABLE TO FLY FROM LONDON TO NEW YORK IN 90 MINUTES, HAS

  • JUST REVEALED WHAT THE INSIDE OF THE JET WILL LOOK LIKE.

  • HERE IT IS.

  • LOOK AT THAT.

  • IT LOOKS GORGEOUS.

  • THE FIRST PASSENGERS WILL BE THE GREAT APES FROM THE SAN DIEGO

  • ZOO.

  • NOT TO BE OUTDONE.

  • SPIRIT AIRLINES JUST ANNOUNCED THEY CAN NOW GET YOU FROM L.A.

  • TO SAN DIEGO IN JUST UNDER SEVEN HOURS.

  • UNLESS IT'S A HOLIDAY.

  • THEN IT'S 11, WITH ONE STOP.

  • AND FINALLY, WE WANTED TO SHOW YOU THIS-- BECAUSE IT'S IN OUR

  • MISSION STATEMENT.

  • AN INFECTIOUS DISEASE EXPERT AT HARVARD UNIVERSITY RECENTLY

  • TWEETED A PHOTO OF JOHNSON & JOHNSON'S VACCINE EFFECTIVENESS,

  • AND IT LOOKED LIKE-- WELL, SEE FOR YOURSELVES.

  • LOOK AT THOSE NUMBERS.

  • YOU CAN TELL JOHNSON & JOHNSON IS EXCITED.

  • COME ON GUYS, YOUR VACCINE WAS SUPPOSED TO FLATTEN THE CURVE.

  • HERE'S THE THING: IS THIS NEWS?

  • NOT REALLY.

  • DO WE ENJOY LOOKING FOR NEW WAYS TO UNDERMINE CBS CENSORS ON A

  • NIGHTLY BASIS?

  • WE'LL LET YOU BE THE JUDGE.

IT'S BEEN KIND OF COOL HERE IN LOS ANGELES.

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Can Sen. Johnson Stop Being Such a Ron Johnson?

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    林宜悉 posted on 2021/03/05
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