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  • I have a daughter, Mulan.

  • And when she was eight, last year,

  • she was doing a report for school

  • or she had some homework about frogs.

  • And we were at this restaurant,

  • and she said, "So, basically,

  • frogs lay eggs

  • and the eggs turn into tadpoles,

  • and tadpoles turn into frogs."

  • And I said, "Yeah. You know, I'm not really up on my frog reproduction that much.

  • It's the females, I think, that lay the eggs,

  • and then the males fertilize them.

  • And then they become tadpoles and frogs."

  • And she says, "What? Only the females have eggs?"

  • And I said, "Yeah."

  • And she goes, "And what's this fertilizing?"

  • So I kind of said, "Oh, it's this extra ingredient,

  • you know, that you need

  • to create a new frog

  • from the mom and dad frog." (Laughter)

  • And she said, "Oh, so is that true for humans too?"

  • And I thought, "Okay, here we go."

  • I didn't know it would happen so quick, at eight.

  • I was trying to remember all the guidebooks,

  • and all I could remember was,

  • "Only answer the question they're asking.

  • Don't give any more information." (Laughter)

  • So I said, "Yes."

  • And she said, "And where do, um,

  • where do human women,

  • like, where do women lay their eggs?"

  • And I said, "Well,

  • funny you should ask. (Laughter)

  • We have evolved to have our own pond.

  • We have our very own pond inside our bodies.

  • And we lay our eggs there,

  • we don't have to worry about other eggs or anything like that.

  • It's our own pond. And that's how it happens."

  • And she goes, "Then how do they get fertilized?"

  • And I said, "Well,

  • Men, through their penis,

  • they fertilize the eggs by the sperm coming out.

  • And you go through the woman's vagina."

  • And so we're just eating, and her jaw just drops,

  • and she goes, "Mom!

  • Like, where you go to the bathroom?"

  • And I said, "I know.

  • I know."

  • (Laughter)

  • That's how we evolved. It does seem odd.

  • It is a little bit like having a waste treatment plant

  • right next to an amusement park ...

  • Bad zoning, but ..." (Laughter)

  • She's like, "What?" And she goes, "But Mom,

  • but men and women can't ever see each other naked, Mom.

  • So how could that ever happen?"

  • And then I go, "Well," and then I put my Margaret Mead hat on.

  • "Human males and females

  • develop a special bond,

  • and when they're much older, much, much older than you,

  • and they have a very special feeling,

  • then they can be naked together."

  • And she said, "Mom,

  • have you done this before?"

  • And I said, "Yes."

  • And she said, "But Mom, you can't have kids."

  • Because she knows that I adopted her and that I can't have kids.

  • And I said, "Yes."

  • And she said, "Well, you don't have to do that again."

  • And I said, "..."

  • And then she said, "But how does it happen when a man and woman are together?

  • Like, how do they know that's the time?

  • Mom, does the man just say,

  • 'Is now the time to take off my pants?'"

  • (Laughter)

  • And I said, "Yes."

  • (Laughter)

  • "That is exactly right.

  • That's exactly how it happens."

  • So we're driving home and she's looking out the window, and she goes,

  • "Mom. What if two just people saw each other on the street,

  • like a man and a woman, they just started doing it. Would that ever happen?"

  • And I said, "Oh, no. Humans are so private.

  • Oh ..."

  • And then she goes, "What if there was like a party,

  • and there was just like a whole bunch of girls and a whole bunch of boys,

  • and there was a bunch of men and women and they just started doing it, Mom?

  • Would that ever happen?"

  • And I said, "Oh, no, no.

  • That's not how we do it."

  • Then we got home and we see the cat. And she goes,

  • "Mom, how do cats do it?"

  • And I go, "Oh, it's the same. It's basically the same."

  • And then she got all caught up in the legs. "But how would the legs go, Mom?

  • I don't understand the legs."

  • She goes, "Mom, everyone can't do the splits."

  • And I go, "I know, but the legs ..."

  • and I'm probably like, "The legs get worked out."

  • And she goes, "But I just can't understand it."

  • So I go, "You know, why don't we go on the Internet,

  • and maybe we can see ... like on Wikipedia." (Laughter)

  • So we go online, and we put in "cats mating."

  • And, unfortunately, on YouTube, there's many cats mating videos.

  • And we watched them and I'm so thankful,

  • because she's just like, "Wow! This is so amazing."

  • She goes, "What about dogs?"

  • So we put in dogs mating, and,

  • you know, we're watching it, and she's totally absorbed.

  • And then she goes, "Mom,

  • do you think they would have, on the Internet,

  • any humans mating?"

  • (Laughter)

  • And then I realized that

  • I had taken my little eight year old's hand,

  • and taken her right into Internet porn. (Laughter)

  • And I looked into this

  • trusting, loving face,

  • and I said,

  • "Oh, no.

  • That would never happen."

  • Thank you.

  • (Applause)

  • Thank you.

  • (Applause)

  • Thank you. I'm so happy to be here.

I have a daughter, Mulan.

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    許瓊文 posted on 2014/07/24
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