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  • -Welcome, everybody. Welcome.

  • Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Thank you for being here. Thank you for watching.

  • Well, guys, yesterday, Trump gave his first speech

  • since leaving office to close out CPAC in Orlando.

  • Yep, it was 90 minutes of rambling,

  • followed by Trump supporters storming Epcot.

  • As you would expect, the crowd to see Trump was very white.

  • They basically made the Hollywood Foreign Press

  • look like the cast of "One Night in Miami."

  • Of course, before Trump spoke,

  • they had to play the same warning about racism

  • that comes on before "The Muppets."

  • Isn't that weird?

  • During his speech, Trump said, "A Republican president

  • will make a triumphant return to The White House,

  • and I wonder who that will be."

  • Then the Manhattan D.A. holding Trump's taxes was like,

  • "Well, we all know who it won't be.

  • Uh..."

  • Yep, Trump talked about the same stuff as always,

  • and I got to be honest, the speech was a little boring.

  • By the end, everyone in the audience looked like

  • Al Pacino at the Golden Globes.

  • Seriously, at this point,

  • watching Trump speak for 90 minutes

  • is about as fun as Zooming with Donald Sutherland.

  • -Oh, God.

  • -I love that, man. Look at that. Look at that.

  • Let's see that again.

  • It's sad Einstein.

  • What is he doing?

  • Well, they look a straw poll at CPAC for the 2024 election,

  • and Trump won with 55% of the vote.

  • Meanwhile, Mike Pence -- this is true -- only came in at 1%.

  • He was Trump's VP.

  • Even gender-neutral Potato Head came in at 2%.

  • 1% for Pence.

  • Republicans thought it was petty that he didn't show up to CPAC

  • just because of that little "we almost got you killed" thing.

  • Yeah, after three days of countless speeches,

  • Republicans left CPAC with two thoughts --

  • "Will Trump run again in 2024?"

  • and "Is Abilify right for Ted Cruz?"

  • -Freedom!

  • -Alright, alright.

  • Alright, buddy.

  • Let's switch gears here.

  • Well, guys, the Golden Globes were last night,

  • and for the first time, they were mostly virtual.

  • It was interesting over Zoom.

  • The women looked beautiful, while the guys looked like

  • they threw on whatever was on the top of the hamper.

  • Some people were in hoodies. Others were in full tuxedos.

  • Some in tank tops, other in ball gowns,

  • some people in pajamas.

  • It didn't look like an award show.

  • It looked like an emergency room after the Governors Ball.

  • It's like, "Oh, my gosh. There's Donald Sutherland."

  • "No, that's your doctor."

  • It was kind of fun to see where celebrities set up their Zoom.

  • Some were in their living room. Others were in their study.

  • Jeff Daniels was in the

  • door section of Home Depot, apparently.

  • Looks like an escape room or something.

  • Another fun moment during the night

  • was when it looked like Al Pacino had fallen asleep.

  • Take a look at that.

  • Yeah. Nobody in the room woke him,

  • because -- think about it --

  • would you want to be the one who wakes up Al Pacino?

  • "What?!

  • "What do you -- What?!"

  • "Ahhhh!"

  • It seems like Al Pacino has two modes -- way on or way off.

  • Well, this is fun.

  • Yesterday, Snoop Dogg was playing "Madden" on Twitch,

  • but he got so mad about the game that he rage-quit

  • and stormed out of the room.

  • Check it out.

  • -Look at this [bleep]

  • [Bleep]

  • [Bleep] this [bleep]

  • [ Bang ]

  • Game was [bleep] everything with [bleep] bad.

  • [Bleep] this [bleep] man.

  • -Do you know what it takes to

  • get Snoop Dogg that worked up?

  • His resting heart rate is 4.

  • I wish there was something that we could recommend

  • to help Snoop calm down.

  • I just can't think of anything.

  • This just proves, no matter how chill you are,

  • a few minutes of losing a video game to a 10-year-old

  • will make you throw your controller through a wall.

  • Well, this is going viral.

  • A plastic surgeon in California appeared in a court video call

  • for a traffic violation,

  • and check out where he was when he made the video call.

  • -Hello? -Hello. Mr. Green?

  • -Yes. -Hi.

  • Are you available for trial?

  • It kind of looks like you're in an operating room right now.

  • -I am, sir. I'm in an operating room.

  • Yes, I am available.

  • I have another surgeon right here

  • who is doing the surgery with me,

  • so I can stand here and allow them to do the surgery also.

  • -Not at all. I'm -- I don't think so.

  • I don't think that's appropriate.

  • I think we're gonna have --

  • I'm going to come up with a different date.

  • -The surgeon was like, "Reschedule?

  • Okay. I got a quadruple bypass at noon.

  • So how about -- How's noon?"

  • What was he doing?

  • "I now know that texting while driving is unacceptable

  • because distractions are unsafe.

  • Now hand me that rib spreader."

  • Listen to this.

  • Today in Las Vegas, pools were allowed

  • to reopen at 35% capacity, but masks are required

  • except when eating, drinking, or smoking.

  • Come on.

  • It's Vegas.

  • Unless you're passed out,

  • you're always eating, drinking, or smoking.

  • Even that doctor operating during a hearing was like,

  • "That doesn't sound safe.

  • Now hand me that catheter."

  • "Uh, doctor, you put it in his finger."

  • "Well, flip him over for God's sakes.

  • You're the one making it difficult."

  • Speaking of Vegas, a Texas woman just hit

  • a $300,000 jackpot at a slot machine

  • during her layover at the Las Vegas airport.

  • Watch this.

  • -Whoo! Oh, my God!

  • I just won $300,000! I just won $300,000!

  • -Yeah. The only time you see someone

  • celebrate like that at the airport is when

  • the United flight lands with both engines.

  • Asked what she'd do with the 300 grand, the woman said,

  • "Buy one bottle of water."

  • And, finally, a restaurant in Des Moines, Iowa,

  • has come up with a new type of pizza.

  • Watch this.

  • -An Iowa pizzeria has decided to put cereal on their pie.

  • It's their Loopy Fruit Pizza, a breakfast pie

  • topped with cream cheese, mozzarella cheese,

  • vanilla icing, and Froot Loops.

  • -Can I see that, just again, that photo?

  • Yeah, see, I'm just worried that this will ruin

  • the great reputation of Iowa pizza.

  • We actually have footage of someone

  • getting that pizza delivered to their house.

  • -That's not funny! -Alright.

  • We have a great show.

-Welcome, everybody. Welcome.

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Trump’s Rambling CPAC Speech, 2021 Virtual Golden Globes | The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

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    林宜悉 posted on 2021/03/02
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