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  • -Thank you so much, everyone.

  • Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show"!

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Well, guys, the big story today

  • is that following this week's Supreme Court ruling,

  • Trump was forced to turn over

  • millions of pages of his tax records

  • to the Manhattan District Attorney's Office.

  • Millions of pages, yeah.

  • The only place you'll find more ink

  • is Rudy Giuliani's sideburns.

  • I feel bad for whoever's second in line

  • to use the copier in that office.

  • Like, "Uh, how long you going to be?"

  • Like, "Oh, shouldn't be -- There's only like 100,000 more.

  • Double sided, so maybe go get a frappuccino and come back."

  • But this really is big news because after they thoroughly

  • go through each document,

  • Trump could be charged around the year 3000.

  • You can tell that they're Trump's real tax returns because

  • under total loss, he still didn't declare the election.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Applause ]

  • We're having a good time.

  • Speaking of Trump, President Biden's been in an office

  • just over a month, and people have noticed

  • that he never calls Trump by name.

  • He'll call him "the former guy"

  • or mention "the previous administration."

  • I mean, he's even called him things like --

  • -Oh, here we go.

  • -Tariq? What's up? -Let me guess.

  • Now you're going to do a silly bit where you list a bunch

  • of funny "nicknames" that Biden called Trump.

  • -I mean, yeah, that was -- that was the plan.

  • -And each joke will pop up as a graphic

  • so everyone can see it and "laugh" about it.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Right, right. Jokes work better

  • when there's a visual component, sure.

  • -It's all so predictable.

  • Like, the graphic will be a photo of Biden and Trump,

  • and then under Trump, you'll list names like

  • LL Coup J...

  • [ Laughter ]

  • ...or One Term-inator...

  • -Uh-huh.

  • -...or, uh, Don Jr. Sr.

  • Or, uh, Princess Impeached.

  • Or something like "only guy on Myspace right now."

  • And then you'll close with something

  • a little more risqué like... YMCA-Hole.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Is --

  • [ Applause ]

  • Is that how this is gonna go?

  • -Yeah, you -- you nailed it.

  • -Yeah, seems like a fun bit. You should do it.

  • -Great. Well, we'll do it tomorrow.

  • -Can't wait.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • -Well, this is crazy.

  • On a recent flight from Cincinnati to Phoenix,

  • a pilot noticed something strange in the air.

  • Listen to this.

  • -An American Airlines pilot radios in

  • a mid-flight close encounter with an apparent UFO.

  • -That's right. It could be a possible UFO.

  • Yeah, aliens were looking for intelligent life,

  • and they didn't find any on an American Airlines flight

  • during a pandemic.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Applause ]

  • I love UFO sightings. It's like...

  • "That could be an alien! Or a Domino's delivery drone."

  • When they heard, United was like, "Sorry. Our bad.

  • That was our plane. The wings just fell off."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Hey, listen to this. The CDC just found out

  • that gyms with maskless users

  • are considered to be high-risk for the spread of COVID.

  • Yep, the report also found that people running

  • on the train tracks are more likely to get hit by a subway.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Applause ]

  • Americans are like, "Really? 'Cause I was about to go

  • to Planet Fitness and lick the elliptical!

  • Is that okay?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I use the bicycle seat as a face mask!

  • Is that okay?!

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I found this towel! Can I eat it?!

  • Is that okay?! Can I eat the towel?!"

  • Get sued by Brian Regan.

  • Yeah, the CDC says people must wear masks

  • and put at least 20% more effort

  • into pretending to wipe down the machines.

  • That's right. Gyms with maskless users

  • are at high-risk for spread of COVID.

  • And they're not the only risky places. Watch this.

  • -Well, new this morning, CDC researchers say masks

  • may be key particularly

  • to stopping the spread of COVID-19 at gyms.

  • Masks are also key in stopping the spread of COVID

  • at the following places.

  • -Oh, come on, now!

  • Fyre Festival 2?

  • I got tickets to that!

  • "Hot breath" competition! That's...

  • Some entertainment news.

  • In a three-hour event yesterday, Paramount Plus revealed

  • all the content that will be available

  • on the new streaming service next month.

  • People are already calling it the best streaming service

  • next to Netflix, Hulu, Apple TV, HBO Max, Disney Plus,

  • Discovery Plus, ESPN Plus, Amazon, and Peacock.

  • Soon people are going to be searching

  • through 20 streaming platforms and go,

  • "I wish they'd invent something where you could find

  • all these shows in one place, and they should call it cable."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • But the big Paramount Plus show that everyone's talking about

  • is the "Frasier" reboot with Kelsey Grammer.

  • Yep, they want to attract young viewers,

  • so, naturally, they rebooted a show

  • about a 70-year-old therapist.

  • I wonder if Kelsey Grammer's agent was like...

  • -[ Fingers snap ] -"I got it!

  • You could be Frasier again."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Morty, you son of a bitch.

  • You did it again."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Listen to this. Hasbro is trying to be

  • more inclusive by dropping the "Mister"

  • from its Mr. Potato Head brand name.

  • Yep, it's just going to be called Potato Head.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I haven't checked, but I'm pretty sure Tucker Carlson

  • has spent the last 12 hours foaming at the mouth.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • By the way, if the new Potato Head kneels during the anthem,

  • every person on Fox News is going to explode.

  • That's just the way...

  • Meanwhile, conservatives are already striking back

  • by releasing a Slinky with a penis.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Applause ]

  • Some news from overseas in England.

  • There are reports of counterfeit wine bottles.

  • Listen to this.

  • -Cheap-wine lovers are the target of a scam.

  • Someone is mass-producing counterfeit Yellow Tail wine.

  • -Victims report that the color and that taste were off.

  • The maker of Yellow Tail wines

  • confirmed that the bottles were indeed rip-offs.

  • -Who's counterfeiting Yellow Tail?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • The Yellow Tail people were like, "We're so upset here,

  • because we know our wine is far superior

  • thanks to our 30-minute aging process."

  • -[ Laughter ] -Get this.

  • In Washington, a high-school band is practicing

  • in pop-up tents in an effort to prevent the spread of COVID.

  • Yeah. Practicing is easy. The hard part is marching.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Parents at the concert will be like,

  • "That's mine. Green tent number 24."

  • I'm sure the kids are just happy to play.

  • Can we see another picture? Whoa.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • The only kid who's got it worst is the cellist.

  • It's like... -We need those.

  • -Yeah, right. -Can we have those?

  • -Yeah. You guys -- Get the band together?

  • -Please, please? Yeah. Yeah.

  • -Uh, asked why he decided to do it, the music teacher said...

  • "Because it's funny."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And, finally, we're all bored during the pandemic,

  • but check out what this Colorado woman saw

  • two guys doing in the snow last week.

  • -Woman: Geez.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -One of the guys was like, "Join me,

  • and together we can rule Beaver Creek, Colorado."

  • C-3PO was like, "I'm detecting signs of virginity."

-Thank you so much, everyone.

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Prosecutors Obtain Millions of Pages of Trump’s Tax Records | The Tonight Show

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    林宜悉 posted on 2021/02/26
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