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(Music) This is the human test,
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a test to see if you are a human.
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Please raise your hand if something applies to you.
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Are we agreed? Yes?
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Then let's begin.
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Have you ever eaten a booger
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long past your childhood?
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(Laughter)
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It's okay, it's safe here.
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Have you ever made a small, weird sound
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when you remembered something embarrassing?
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Have you ever purposely lowercased
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the first letter of a text
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in order to come across as sad or disappointed?
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(Laughter)
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Okay.
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Have you ever ended a text with a period
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as a sign of aggression? Okay. Period.
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Have you ever laughed or smiled
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when someone said something shitty to you
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and then spent the rest of the day
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wondering why you reacted that way?
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Yes.
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Have you ever seemed to lose your airplane ticket
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a thousand times as you walked
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from the check-in to the gate?
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Yes.
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Have you ever put on a pair of pants
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and then much later realized that there was
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a loose sock smushed up against your thigh?
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(Laughter)
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Good.
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Have you ever tried to guess someone else's password
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so many times that it locked their account?
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Mmm.
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Have you ever had a nagging feeling that one day
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you will be discovered as a fraud?
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Yes, it's safe here.
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Have you ever hoped that there was some ability
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you hadn't discovered yet
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that you were just naturally great at?
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Mmm.
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Have you ever broken something in real life,
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and then found yourself looking
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for an "undo" button in real life?
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Have you ever misplaced your TED badge
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and then immediately started imagining
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what a three-day Vancouver vacation might look like?
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Have you ever marveled
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at how someone you thought was so ordinary
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could suddenly become so beautiful?
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Have you ever stared at your phone
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smiling like an idiot while texting with someone?
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Have you ever subsequently texted that person
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the phrase "I'm staring at the phone
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smiling like an idiot"?
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Have you ever been tempted to,
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and then gave in to the temptation,
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of looking through someone else's phone?
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Have you ever had a conversation with yourself
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and then suddenly realized
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you're a real asshole to yourself?
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(Laughter)
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Has your phone ever run out of battery
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in the middle of an argument,
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and it sort of felt like the phone
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was breaking up with both of you?
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Have you ever thought
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that working on an issue between you was futile
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because it should just be easier than this,
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or this is supposed to happen just naturally?
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Have you ever realized that very little, in the long run,
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just happens naturally?
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Have you ever woken up blissfully
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and suddenly been flooded by the awful remembrance
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that someone had left you?
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Have you ever lost the ability to imagine a future
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without a person
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that no longer was in your life?
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Have you ever looked back on that event
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with the sad smile of autumn
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and the realization that futures will happen
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regardless?
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Congratulations.
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You have now completed the test.
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You are all human.
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(Applause)