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>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
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WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
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I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
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MMM...
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OOOH...
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WELL, IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
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HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN GONE?
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>> A WEEK.
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>> Stephen: A WEEK.
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I MISSED YOU.
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I HOPE YOU MISSED ME.
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SO MUCH HAS CHANGED IN THAT NOTHING IS CHANGING.
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BECAUSE THE BIG STORY TODAY IS I'M STILL HERE
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YOU'RE STILL THERE, AND WE'VE BEEN THAT WAY FOR ALMOST A YEAR.
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WE'RE APPROACHING THE PANDEMIC'S FIRST ANNIVERSARY.
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TRADITIONALLY, THE GIFT IS PAPER, ON A ROLL, NEXT TO A
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TOILET.
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BUT EVEN AS THE DEATH TOLL CROSSES HALF A MILLION, THERE IS
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GOOD NEWS: PRESIDENT BIDEN EXPECTS TO SURPASS HIS GOAL
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OF 100 MILLION SHOTS IN 100 DAYS, AND LAST WEEK, THE DAILY
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INOCULATION AVERAGE CLIMBED TO 1.7 MILLION SHOTS PER DAY.
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SO, THE MAIN QUESTION ON EVERYONE'S MIND IS: WHEN WILL
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THINGS BE NORMAL?
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ONE PROFESSOR AT JOHNS HOPKINS SAYS, "WE'LL HAVE HERD IMMUNITY
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BY APRIL."
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APRIL?
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THAT'S GREAT!
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BUT IT DOES MEAN I ACTUALLY HAVE TO GET STARTED ON MY BEACH BOD'.
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RIGHT NOW I'M ROCKIN' MORE OF A WASHED-UP-ON-THE-BEACH BOD'.
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MAYBE FISHED OUT OF THE RIVER, DRAGGED OUT OF THE LAKE.
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OF COURSE, AS EXCITING AS THIS PREDICTION IS, KEEP IN MIND, IT
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FIRST APPEARED IN "THE NEW ENGLAND JOURNAL OF TELLING YOU
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WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR."
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THIS MONTH'S COVER STORY: "MOST PEOPLE YOUR AGE CAN'T PULL OFF A
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LEATHER JACKET, BUT YOU LOOK GREAT!"
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SO, IT'S HAPPENING!
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WE'RE GOING BACK TO NORMAL IN APRIL!
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OR AS PRESIDENT BIDEN PUT IT SLIGHTLY DIFFERENTLY:
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>> BY NEXT CHRISTMAS.
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>> STEPHEN: ALL RIGHT, FINE.
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NEXT CHRISTMAS.
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WHATEVER.
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AT LEAST AT THIS YEAR'S FAMILY MEALS, WE WON'T BE SAYING,
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"UNCLE PHIL, YOU'RE ON MUTE!" WE'LL BE SAYING, "I WISH WE
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COULD PUT UNCLE PHIL ON MUTE."
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ANYWAY, IT'S THE PERFECT CHRISTMAS GIFT... FOR THE GRINCH
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TO STEAL.
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BECAUSE DR. FAUCI SAYS IT'S POSSIBLE WE'LL STILL BE WEARING
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MASKS IN 2022.
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GREAT!
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WE'LL BE BACK TO NORMAL BY APRIL-- CHRISTMAS A YEAR AND A
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HALF FROM NOW.
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ONE OF THOSE!
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ANY ONE OF THOSE!
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LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY -- IF THIS WERE CLIMBING MOUNT
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EVEREST, WE'D EITHER BE ABOUT TO SUMMIT, SET UP BASE CAMP, OR
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THINKING ABOUT BUYING A CLIF BAR AT CVS.
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BUT WHATEVER THAT -- YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
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YOU KNOW WHAT I'M FEELING, RIGHT?
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WELL, THEN -- WHERE ARE WE IN WE'RE, LIKE, IN PURGATORY HERE!
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WHENEVER NORMAL HAPPENS, THIS COUNTRY IS MORE THAN READY. IN
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FACT, A NEW SURVEY FOUND THAT 38% OF AMERICANS WOULD GIVE UP
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SEX FOR A YEAR TO GO ON A TRIP IMMEDIATELY.
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WHICH MEANS AN ASTOUNDING 38% OF AMERICANS HAVE HAD SEX THIS
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YEAR.
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EVIDENTLY, SOME PEOPLE ARE TURNED ON BY A HOT BOWL OF
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COUCH LASAGNA.
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MMM!
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YOU'RE LOOKING LOGY.
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THERE WAS A LITTLE NEWS TIDBIT YOU MIGHT'VE MISSED LAST WEEK
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WHEN THE SENATE ACQUITTED THE FORMER PRESIDENT IN HIS SECOND
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IMPEACHMENT TRIAL FOR INSURRECTION.
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WE WERE ON BREAK WHEN IT HAPPENED, BUT I PROMISE WE'LL
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HAVE FULL COVERAGE OF HIS THIRD IMPEACHMENT.
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BUT OL' DOLT 45'S NOT OUT OF THE WOODS YET.
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BECAUSE TODAY, THE SUPREME COURT DENIED HIS FINAL BID TO BLOCK
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THE RELEASE OF HIS TAX RETURNS.
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WOO!
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♪♪♪ THAT'S IT!
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THANK YOU!
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THAT WAS HARDLY EVEN DANGEROUS!
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( LAUGHTER ) OH!
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BREAK OUT THE CHAMPAGNE GLASSES!
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AND MY READING GLASSES!
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THERE'S GONNA BE SOME FINE PRINT!
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I'LL GIVE YOU THE 4-1-1 ON THE 1099'S IN OUR NEW, HOPEFULLY
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VERY RECURRING SEGMENT: >> LOCK HIM UP!
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LOCK HIM UP!
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LOCK HIM UP!
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LOCK HIM UP!
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>> Stephen: THE NICE THING ABOUT BEING GONE, BECAUSE YOU
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DON'T MISS A STEP -- I STILL GOT IT, BABY!
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FOR YEARS, THE FORMER PRESIDENT -- I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE
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ONE OF THOSE POPPER THINGS THAT REALLY ENDANGERS EVERYONE AROUND
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YOU.
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THIS IS WHY REHEARSAL IS HANDY.
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FOR YEARS, THE FORMER PRESIDENT HAS BEEN DESPERATE TO PREVENT
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PROSECUTORS FROM GETTING THEIR HANDS ON ANY DOCUMENTS THAT
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MIGHT GET HIM IN LEGAL TROUBLE.
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SO... ANY DOCUMENTS.
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BUT TODAY, THE HIGH COURT RULED THAT HE HAD TO HAND OVER HIS
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FINANCIAL HISTORY TO THE MANHATTAN D.A., WHO'S BEEN
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CONDUCTING A CRIMINAL INVESTIGATION THAT COULD LEAD TO
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CONSPIRACY FRAUD CHARGES, WHICH ARE B FELONIES.
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GOOD.
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'CAUSE HE "B" A FELON.
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GIVEN THE POTENTIAL CHARGES, THE FORMER PRESIDENT COULD BE SENT
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TO JAIL IF CONVICTED.
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I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE IT ALL PLAY OUT IN THE NEW NETFLIX SERIES
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"ORANGE IS THE NEW ORANGE."
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NOBODY KNOWS WHAT THE EXACT CHARGES RELATED TO THE FAMILY
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BUSINESS ARE YET, BUT THEY COULD IMPLICATE COMPANY EXECUTIVES DON
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JR. AND ERIC.
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(AS ERIC) "DAD!
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THE JUDGE SAYS WE GET TO HAVE A SLEEPOVER!
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FOR 10 YEARS!
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I CALL TOP BUNK!
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I'M GONNA MAKE TOILET HOOCH!" IT'S OKAY IF YOU HAVE TO SHIV
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ME.
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( LAUGHTER ) IN RESPONSE, THE FORMER
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PRESIDENT CALLED IT A "FISHING EXPEDITION."
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(AS ERIC) "DAD, WE'RE GOING FISHING, TOO!
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JUST LIKE IN THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW!"
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(WHISTLES BADLY) I THINK I'M DOING MYSELF
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PERIODONTAL DAMAGE WHEN I DO THAT
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WHEN ASKED WHETHER THIS WAS A SO-CALLED FISHING EXPEDITION,
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THE MANHATTAN D.A. RESPONDED: >> YOU'RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER
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BOAT.
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>> STEPHEN: THINGS CONTINUE TO BE ROUGH DOWN IN TEXAS.
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LAST WEEK, THE LONE STAR STATE WAS HIT BY A FREAK WINTER STORM
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THAT KNOCKED OUT POWER.
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MILLIONS OF TEXANS ARE STILL WITHOUT RUNNING WATER, AND THERE
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ARE FOOD SHORTAGES ACROSS THE STATE.
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IF YOU'RE LOOKING TO HELP, AND I KNOW YOU ARE, WE HAVE SOME
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SUGGESTED CHARITIES YOU CAN DONATE TO.
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JUST HEAD OVER TO COLBERTLATESHOW.COM
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/TEXAS.
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AND PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY.
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NOW, THIS MIGHT SHOCK YOU, BUT THERE ARE STATES BESIDES TEXAS
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THAT HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE PHENOMENON OF WINTER.
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IT'S TRUE.
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YOU CAN LOOK IT UP.
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SO, WHY DID THEY LOSE POWER AND WATER AND HEAT?
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IN TEXAS, ALL OF THOSE THINGS ARE DEPENDENT UPON THEIR
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ELECTRICAL GRID, AND IN AN EFFORT TO AVOID FEDERAL
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REGULATION, TEXAS IS THE ONLY STATE IN THE CONTINENTAL UNITED
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STATES TO OPERATE ITS OWN GRID.
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WELL, TEXANS LIKE TO HAVE THEIR OWN STUFF: GRIDS, TOASTS, AND
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CHAINSAW MASSACRES.
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IN ADDITION, TEXAS IS A FAN OF EXTREME CAPITALISM, SO THEY
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HANDED THEIR GRID OVER TO THE INVISIBLE HAND OF THE MARKET.
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MEANING THAT ANYTIME THERE'S A LACK OF SUPPLY AND A HUGE
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DEMAND, PRICES SKYROCKET.
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OUT OF CONTROL.
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SO, LAST WEEK, IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS ARCTIC BLAST, ELECTRICITY
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IN TEXAS APPROACHED $9,000 PER MEGAWATT/HOUR.
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WHICH IS AN INCREASE OF 180 TIMES THE AVERAGE RATE BEFORE
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THE STORM.
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ONE MAN WAS STUCK WITH A $16,752 ELECTRIC BILL.
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TO WHICH AMERICA'S FATHERS REPLIED, "THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS
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WHEN YOU PUSH THE THERMOSTAT ABOVE 66!
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I'M PUTTING SOME TAPE ON IT!
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I'M TAPING IT DOWN!
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WE'RE NOT HEATING THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!
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SO, CLEARLY, THE SYSTEM IS VERY BAD FOR THE PEOPLE, BUT VERY
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GOOD FOR THE ENERGY COMPANIES, SOME OF WHICH EARNED MORE PROFIT
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ON MONDAY AND TUESDAY ALONE THAN THEY WOULD HAVE GAINED
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THROUGH AN ENTIRE YEAR OF NORMAL OPERATION.
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AS ONE ENERGY COMPANY SPOKESMAN EXPLAINED, "GOLD!
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GOLD!
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I'M RICH, I TELL YOU.
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GOLD!" SO, IT'S NO WONDER TEXAS POWER
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COMPANIES DID NOT PREPARE FOR THIS DISASTER, EVEN THOUGH
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BACK IN 2011, FEDERAL REGULATORS WARNED TEXAS THAT ITS POWER
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PLANTS COULDN'T BE COUNTED ON TO RELIABLY CHURN OUT ELECTRICITY
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IN BITTERLY COLD CONDITIONS.
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BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, "THOSE WHO FAIL TO LEARN FROM
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HISTORY WERE PROBABLY EDUCATED IN TEXAS."
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THAT WARNING CAME FROM THE FEDERAL ENERGY REGULATORY
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COMMISSION OR "FERC."
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NO ONE LISTENED, AND NOW, "ERMEGERD.
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TEXAS IS FERC'D."
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THE GUY IN CHARGE OF THE LONE STAR STATE BACK THEN WAS FORMER
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TEXAS GOVERNOR AND MAN WONDERING WHAT HAPPENS TO THE SUN AT
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NIGHT, RICK PERRY.
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LAST WEEK, PERRY DEFENDED HIS STATE'S LUDICROUS ENERGY SETUP,
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SAYING, "TEXANS WOULD BE WITHOUT ELECTRICITY FOR LONGER THAN
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THREE DAYS TO KEEP THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT OUT OF THEIR
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BUSINESS."
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THAT STATEMENT WAS SO DUMB, RICK PERRY IMMEDIATELY TRIED TO MAKE
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HIMSELF SEEM SMARTER BY WEARING A SECOND PAIR OF GLASSES.
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OF COURSE, THERE'S ONE GUY IN TEXAS GIVING RICK PERRY A RUN
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FOR HIS DUMMY: SENATOR AND MAN WHOSE FACE WAS SEIZED BY AN
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ANGRY MOB, THEN TARRED AND PUBED, TED CRUZ.
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AT THE HEIGHT OF THE CRISIS LAST WEEK, FOLKS ON SOCIAL MEDIA
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SPOTTED TED CRUZ BOARDING A FLIGHT TO CANCUN.
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'CAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, "WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH, TED
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CRUZ GETS GONE."
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THE SENATOR GOT A LOT OF CRITICISM, SO HE IMMEDIATELY
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SWALLOWED HIS PRIDE, PULLED HIMSELF UP BY HIS OWN
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BOOTSTRAPS, AND THREW HIS DAUGHTERS UNDER A BUS:
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"WITH SCHOOL CANCELED FOR THE WEEK, OUR GIRLS ASKED TO TAKE A
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TRIP WITH FRIENDS.
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WANTING TO BE A GOOD DAD, I FLEW DOWN WITH THEM LAST NIGHT AND AM
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FLYING BACK THIS AFTERNOON."
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SEE?
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HE WAS JUST BEING A GOOD DAD.
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UNLIKE ALL THOSE TERRIBLE FATHERS WHO WERE HUDDLING WITH
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THEIR KIDS FOR WARMTH.
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REMINDS ME OF F.D.R.'S FAMOUS SPEECH:
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>> DECEMBER 7, 1941, A DAY THAT WAS MY DAUGHTER ANNA'S FAULT!
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COME ON, HONEY, WHY DIDN'T YOU WARN ME THE JAPANESE WERE
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COMING?!
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YOU'RE GROUNDED!
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>> STEPHEN: TURNS OUT, IT WASN'T ONLY COWARDLY, IT WAS A LIE.
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BECAUSE ACCORDING TO A LEAK FROM UNITED AIRLINES, CRUZ WAS
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INITIALLY BOOKED TO RETURN HOME SATURDAY AND HE BOOKED HIS
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RETURN TICKET AT 6:00 A.M.
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THURSDAY.
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OH, THAT'S EMBARRASSING.
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PLUS, HE WAS IN COACH, SO THEY CHARGED HIM $25 TO CHECK HIS
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DOUCHE-BAG.
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AS PART OF THE FALLOUT, UNITED IS INVESTIGATING THE FLIGHT INFO
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LEAK.
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THAT'S GOING TO BE TRICKY.
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"OKAY, WHO WOULD HAVE LEAKED THIS?
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WHO HATES TED CRUZ?
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OKAY, IS THERE ANY WAY TO NARROW THAT DOWN?"
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AFTER TED FLEW BACK TO TEXAS, HE DECIDED TO FESS UP TO THE
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REPORTERS: >> I STARTED HAVING SECOND
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THOUGHTS ALMOST THE MOMENT I SAT DOWN ON THE PLANE.
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LEAVING WHEN SO MANY TEXANS WERE HURTING DIDN'T FEEL RIGHT, SO I
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CHANGED MY RETURN FLIGHT AND FLEW BACK ON THE FIRST AVAILABLE
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FLIGHT I COULD TAKE.
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>> STEPHEN: TOO LATE, YOU ALREADY DID THE BAD THING, AND
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WE KNOW YOU LIED ABOUT IT!
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IT'S LIKE AN OLD TIMEY VILLAIN GOING, "YOU KNOW, TYING THAT
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DAMSEL TO THE TRAIN TRACKS JUST DIDN'T FEEL RIGHT.
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SO I TOOK THE FIRST TRAIN BACK AFTER THE ACCIDENT SO I COULD BE
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HERE FOR THE GRIEVING FAMILY.
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WHICH BOX HAS THE HEAD?" IN TYPICAL TED CRUZ FASHION,
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EVERY DETAIL THAT COMES OUT OF THIS STORY IS MORE TED CRUZ-IER
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THAN THE LAST ONE.
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FOR EXAMPLE, SENATOR TED CRUZ FAILED TO MENTION HIS COLLEGE
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ROOMMATE ALSO WAS ALONG FOR THE VISIT.
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I GOT TO SAY, THAT MAKES THE "I WAS JUST ESCORTING MY KIDS"
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EXCUSE SOUND REALLY WEIRD.
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(AS TED) "HEY, YOU WANNA FLY DOWN TO
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MEXICO FOR SOME FUN?
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ALSO, I HAVE TO LEAVE IMMEDIATELY, CAN YOU WATCH MY