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  • -Welcome back, everybody.

  • I'm about to show you some books

  • that you should avoid at all costs.

  • It's time for my latest installment

  • of my Do Not Read List. Here we go.

  • Do not read, do not read

  • Do not read these books, these books

  • -And before we start, I just want you all to know

  • that every book that I'm about to show you is 100% real.

  • These are actual books. You can find them on Amazon

  • or wherever you get your books from.

  • These are real.

  • Let's see what's on my Do Not Read list.

  • This first one up here is a book called

  • "Computer Programs for the Kitchen"...

  • [ Laughter ] by Terence F. Dicker.

  • There's -- There's Terence Dicker.

  • He's got his computer out on the table

  • next to all the food he made.

  • You can barely tell the computer's out there.

  • I get -- I get hangry just looking at it.

  • Let's -- Oh, look at the back here.

  • It says, "Exciting ways to ease

  • kitchen and cooking chores with a personal computer."

  • Let's see an example.

  • Oh, here's one right here.

  • Keeping track of your kitchen inventory

  • by hand-typing a 26-page computer program...

  • [ Laughter ]

  • ...that has probably almost 4,000 lines of code.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • So that will save me a ton of time.

  • That's pretty cool.

  • Thanks. Thanks, Chef Dicker.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Next book... [ Applause ]

  • ...is called, uh...

  • Oh, yeah. This is a good one here.

  • This is called "The Educated Cat:

  • How to Teach Your Cat to do Tricks."

  • Uh, yeah.

  • Like apparently playing a dueling piano

  • at an old saloon, maybe. For cats.

  • Let's see what other tricks you got in here.

  • I love cat tricks, man.

  • Oh, this one's an interesting trick here.

  • It's two cats kind of crammed in a stroller.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That's interesting.

  • Let's see what other tricks they got here.

  • -That was the trick? [ Laughter ]

  • -Yeah, that's the trick. [ Laughter ]

  • Here's another trick here. This is a good one.

  • It's another cat in a stroller. [ Laughter ]

  • They put the glasses on the cat. -I see.

  • -Oh, man.

  • -"America's Got Talent," are you watching?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Some good tricks, man. [ Applause ]

  • "You tricked me, man.

  • I thought you had a cat in the stroller."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "I did, actually."

  • I thought it didn't have 20/20 vision.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • He tricked you again.

  • He's perfectly fine. [ Laughter ]

  • Good. Good stuff. Let's check out another one.

  • This one's a children's book.

  • It's called "Mac's Choice:

  • A Story About Choices and Drug Use."

  • There's a caterpillar and a cockroach on the cover there.

  • This is cool. I saw this earlier.

  • It's signed by the author,

  • and gifted to a kid by an aluminum company.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Makes sense.

  • Let's just go to the end here, see what happens here.

  • It says, "Mac was all alone now.

  • He started to shake badly as his body craved more cocaine."

  • [ Laughter ] -Wait. What?

  • -"Anyway, good night, kids." [ Laughter ]

  • Turn the lights off.

  • [ Laughter continues ]

  • -Wait. -Have a good night's sleep.

  • Next is a young adult novel. They're always popular.

  • They're always having helpful lessons about growing up, life.

  • This one should help, as well.

  • This one is called "Mom is Dating Weird Wayne."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Look, we've all been there. Mom is looking for love,

  • hits the dating scene, and suddenly a dude

  • dressed up as Dracula starts coming over for dinner.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "If you vant to, you can call me dad."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "We're not there yet.

  • We're not there yet, dad.

  • So I'm gonna call you Vlad."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • We're down to our last book, guys, unfortunately.

  • This is a -- Please. -Oh.

  • -Come on, man. -Anyway, look,

  • there's other things we have to get to.

  • There's interviews, there's a show.

  • You know, it's a busy week, you know?

  • -Okay. So we're down to our last book.

  • It's a how-to book.

  • It's called "Two-Hour Vests," by Mary Jo Hiney.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Vests I can make in two hours?

  • Now we're talking.

  • Let's see what we can make here.

  • There's a lot of them.

  • We have the "Young at Heart," the "Now and Forever,"

  • "Moments in Time," "Breath of Fresh Air."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Let's see that one.

  • "Breath of Fresh Air," which is nice and breezy there.

  • Ooh, yeah, look at this.

  • Yeah, that makes sense. Because when I think of

  • "fresh air" I think of the color brown.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Kamal, can I get some "fresh air" music, please?

  • ♪♪

  • Let's read this right here.

  • "Breath of fresh air.

  • Small talk smothers you.

  • You prefer quiet company.

  • Soft and simple contemplation by the fire.

  • To all who love you,

  • your serenity and ease are a breath of fresh air."

  • Yeah. "Your vest speaks softly

  • of the comfort that you desire."

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • So by wearing it, you're the breath of fresh air.

  • -Ah, yeah. -You get it now?

  • -Yeah, yeah.

  • -That's all the time we have for "Do Not Read."

  • If you have a book that you think should be on

  • our next Do Not Read list, send your titles to

  • donotread@tonightshow.com.

  • Stick around. We'll be right back with Shailene Woodley.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • ♪♪

  • -Took two hours. Two hours -- that's it.

  • ♪♪

-Welcome back, everybody.

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Do Not Read: The Educated Cat

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    林宜悉 posted on 2021/02/23
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