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  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • ♪♪♪♪

  • ♪♪♪♪

  • [ Laughter ]

  • ♪♪♪♪

  • -People in L.A. think that's a tractor, so whatever.

  • So... [ Laughter ]

  • Alright, we're all adults here

  • Since we're all adults, I think maybe we can talk about

  • the facts of life.

  • Like, fact of life --

  • If you are trying to get to the bathroom

  • in an emergency situation, it is not a wise idea

  • to unbutton your pants in transit in the effort

  • to save a couple of seconds.

  • Because the muscles that guard the floodgates

  • will interpret the unbuttoning as the signal to abandon

  • their post, and the two second you save on that button

  • are nullified by the hour and half

  • you spend mopping and doing laundry.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Fact of life --

  • Out of all of the cereals, Cap'n Crunch

  • is the most time intensive.

  • Here's what I'm talking about.

  • You eat it too soon after you pour the milk on,

  • and you will rip the roof of your mouth to shreds.

  • You wait too long after you pour the milk on,

  • and the Cap'n will put a film on your teeth

  • a wire brush can't get rid of.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Applause ]

  • Thank you.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Fact of life --

  • If your wife hints she might be in the mood,

  • your kids will sense it and won't go to bed for 3 years.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Speaking of kids, fact of life --

  • The more kids you have, the worse your parenting becomes.

  • People that only have one child are making homemade baby food

  • out of organic vegetables they're growing

  • in their own backyard.

  • Yeah, by the time that fourth kid rolls around,

  • you're smoking a cigarette while you watch your toddler

  • pull a year-old Milkdud out from under the stove and eat it.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Pick the cat hair off of it

  • before you put it in your mouth, dummy."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Fact of life --

  • 100 percent of the black men that shave their heads

  • look really, really cool.

  • 50 percent of the white guys that shave their heads

  • look like they just murdered their parents.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • You're thinking of somebody, aren't ya?

  • Fact of life --

  • Flying on an airplane makes you gassy.

  • Nobody ever talks about this

  • Nobody acknowledges this.

  • No, we just take our little roll around suitcase

  • and walk to baggage claim popping them off

  • like a trail horse.

  • [ Popping ]

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Popping stops ]

  • Fact of life --

  • Women always have more questions

  • than men have answers to.

  • Great example.

  • One night I got a text.

  • The text said, "Please pray for Tom.

  • He was in a bad wreck."

  • So, I walked through the house I found my wife.

  • I said, "Hey, I just got a tex that said please pray for Tom.

  • He was in a bad wreck."

  • She said, "Was he driving? I said, "I don't know.

  • I just got text that said please pray for Tom.

  • He was in a bad wreck."

  • She said, "Were Carol and th kids in the car with him?"

  • I said, "I don't know.

  • I just got text that said please pray for Tom.

  • He was in a bad wreck."

  • She said, "Was the people in the other car hurt, too?"

  • I said, "I don't know.

  • I just got a text that said please pray for Tom.

  • He was in a bad wreck."

  • She said, "Did they even have insurance?

  • I said, "I don't know.

  • I just got a text that said please pray for Tom.

  • He was in a bad wreck."

  • She said, "What hospital did they take him to?"

  • I said, "I don't know.

  • I just got a text that said please pray for Tom.

  • He was in a bad wreck."

  • She said, "You don't know anything.

  • What do you know?"

  • I said, "I know you need to pray for Tom.

  • I just got a text, said he was in a bad wreck."

  • You guys are awesome. God bless you.

  • Thank you.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

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Comedy Legend and Bring The Funny Judge Jeff Foxworthy: Fact of Life (Finale)

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    13 posted on 2021/02/17
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