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  • -Thank you, and welcome to "The Tonight Show."

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Well, guys, today was the fourth day

  • of Trump's impeachment trial.

  • And if you did a shot every time you heard the word "fight,"

  • you're somewhere between boat parade Tom Brady

  • and unconscious.

  • That's right. Today, Trump's legal team

  • spent three hours presenting their entire defense.

  • And if you missed it, the theme was basically

  • three hours of your life you'll never get back.

  • Thankfully, Trump's lawyers used just three

  • of their allotted 16 hours.

  • Apparently, Trump wants to roll over the extra minutes

  • into next month's impeachment trial.

  • Only three hours. Yeah.

  • And the last half was just repeating the first half

  • and calling it "Taylor's version."

  • Three hours is not a long time for an impeachment defense.

  • If you press play on the movie "Titanic" when they started,

  • Jack was still alive when they finished,

  • just to put it in perspective.

  • They couldn't even make it four hours.

  • At the end, you could hear the Cialis guy go,

  • "If your insurrection defense

  • doesn't last more than four hours,

  • call your lawyer immediately."

  • Trump's lawyers spent the day

  • blaming everyone for the riot except Trump.

  • They blamed the Democrats, they blamed the media,

  • they even blamed it on Subway's fake tuna.

  • Trump's team didn't have much planned.

  • They were scrambling like a guy pulling into the CVS parking lot

  • at 7 minutes to 10:00 on Valentine's Day.

  • It's like, "I want the big card.

  • Give me the big, giant card, yeah."

  • Yet, by all accounts, it seemed like Trump's lawyers

  • were trying to kill time.

  • They even played a video of Democrats

  • saying the word "fight" that lasted more than 11 minutes.

  • Here's a small taste of it.

  • -Get in the fight.

  • Winning the fight.

  • Fight. Fight. Fighting.

  • -I led the fight... And continue to fight.

  • -We're going to fight. We are going to fight.

  • We're going to fight! We're going to fight!

  • -And we can fight. -My fight.

  • Those fights need to fight. To fight an administration --

  • -Requiring us to fight, and fight we will.

  • -Seriously, that went on for over 11 minutes.

  • By the 8th minute, even Trump was flipping over

  • to "the Kelly Clarkson Show."

  • He's like, "Who does she have on today?"

  • Well, let's change gears and get to something positive.

  • I saw that overnight, First Lady Dr. Jill Biden

  • decorated the White House lawn with giant hearts

  • as a Valentine's Day surprise for the country.

  • You know that right before she put that up,

  • Jill agreed to a chill, low-key Valentine's Day.

  • One reporter tried to be cute and was like,

  • "And Mr. President, what did you gift the country?"

  • And Biden was like, "600 million doses of the vaccine.

  • [ Inhales sharply ] Now get off my lawn!"

  • "Now get off my lawn!" [ Inhales sharply ]

  • ♪♪

  • [ Inhales sharply ]

  • [ Imitates explosion ]

  • -Oh!

  • -Hey!

  • [ Laughs ]

  • "Now get off my lawn!"

  • Pa-kew!

  • Yep, while the Bidens were checking out the giant hearts,

  • reporters had a lot of questions. Watch this.

  • [ Laughing ] What?!

  • Apricot pits he uses to chuck at wasp nests?

  • Wow.

  • Meanwhile, as the Bidens were about to head back inside,

  • the president had an odd exchange with a reporter.

  • This is real. Watch this.

  • Wow.

  • When he saw that, Vladimir Putin was like, "Oh, sure,

  • but when I hand reporters strange liquid, I'm bad guy."

  • Can we see Biden again?

  • He looks like The Fonz starring in a commercial

  • for Scott's Lawn Care.

  • You know Obama was watching like, "Are those my jeans?"

  • Some entertainment news.

  • All morning, the Internet was blowing up because it came out

  • that the director of "Godzilla Versus Kong"

  • is working on a sequel to the Nic Cage/John Travolta movie

  • "Face/Off."

  • Yeah, they usually try to keep this stuff under wraps,

  • but somehow the news leaked out.

  • They even got a recording of a call between Travolta and Cage.

  • Check this out.

  • Amazing we got that on tape, huh?

  • Get this, I saw that a woman in Texas

  • was swindled out of $100,000

  • by a guy who convinced her that he was Bruno Mars.

  • -[ Groans ] -Yeah. She was catfished.

  • I can't believe it.

  • Well, here now to address this is the real Bruno Mars.

  • Bruno, are you there?

  • -Yo. -Oh, my God!

  • -What's up, Jimmy? -[ Laughing ] Oh, my God.

  • -Wait.

  • Wait a second.

  • You're not the real Bruno Mars.

  • -You just got Uptown Funk'd.

  • -[ Laughs ] -Get out of here.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I just got Uptown Funk'd?

  • - Why? Why?

  • -I couldn't tell you guys. -Why? Why, man?

  • -Because we're going into hiatus

  • and you've got to laugh at something.

  • Come on, man.

  • [ Chuckles ]

  • -Oh, God. -And finally,

  • I read about a man who was caught

  • trying to -- [ Laughter ]

  • A man who was caught trying to smuggle

  • 194 pounds of Mexican bologna across the border.

  • Guy was like, "Well, there goes my wife's

  • Valentine's Day bologna."

  • We have a great show!

-Thank you, and welcome to "The Tonight Show."

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Trump’s Lawyers Blame Everyone but Trump for Capitol Insurrection | The Tonight Show

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    林宜悉 posted on 2021/02/14
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