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  • -Welcome, everybody. Welcome, welcome.

  • Welcome to "The Tonight Show."

  • Thank you very much.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • I don't know about you guys,

  • but I am stuffed with wings and nachos

  • from my impeachment trial party, and --

  • [ Laughter, applause ]

  • Yeah, of course, the big story today

  • is that Trump's second impeachment trial

  • has finally begun.

  • That's right, two impeachments are historic,

  • but just like Tom Brady, Trump won't rest

  • until he gets to seven.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That's right.

  • Seriously, I can't believe we're talking about Trump again.

  • Even herpes knows when to take a break once in a while.

  • I mean, just --

  • But tonight, everybody's talking about

  • one of Trump's lawyers, Bruce Castor.

  • He kicked off Trump's defense

  • and never really got to the point.

  • But this is real.

  • Check this guy out.

  • -My name is Bruce Castor.

  • When I was growing up in suburban Philadelphia...

  • Here's little Bruce -- 8, 9, 10 years old --

  • listening to this back in the late '60s.

  • We still know what records are, right?

  • On the thing you put the needle down on, and you play it.

  • You ever heard Everett Dirksen's voice,

  • it's the most commanding, gravelly voice.

  • "Gallant Men" is the name of the --

  • of the, uh...

  • of the album.

  • -[ Groans ] -[ Laughs ]

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Even Joe Biden was like, "Come on, man.

  • Wrap it up."

  • If the Senate had an orchestra pit,

  • they'd be playing him off like...

  • Neh-deh-la-dah-dee-dee-dee

  • "Get on out of here."

  • Oh, gosh. Given who his boss is,

  • I'm pretty sure that that was

  • his opening and closing statement.

  • [ Imitates Trump ] "You're fired."

  • [ Normal voice ] Meanwhile, Rudy Giuliani

  • was watching like, "Damn, this guy's good."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yep, he started talking this afternoon

  • and should be done around

  • the fourth hour of the "Today" show tomorrow.

  • Man, could that guy possibly waste any more of our time?

  • [ Bottle crinkles ]

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Imitates bottle crinkling ]

  • A little crinkle crunch.

  • He -- [ Laughs ]

  • He crunched it out a little bit.

  • Alex, can we play that one more time

  • just so I can hear that water bottle crinkle?

  • [ Bottle crinkles softly ]

  • [ Bottle crinkles loudly ]

  • [ Laughter ]

  • He's having fun, man.

  • Come on.

  • Well, guys, I think it's safe to say,

  • no one wants to relive the events

  • of last month's insurrection,

  • but it has led to some interesting flubs.

  • Here, I'll show you what I mean. Listen to this.

  • -Donald John Trump incited the erection --

  • insurrection.

  • -Does the President of the United States believe

  • that former president Trump incited an erect--

  • excuse me, incited an insurrection?

  • -Who has been impeached for inciting the erection.

  • -He did incite an erection on the Capitol.

  • -If I have to embrace someone who just incited an erectio--

  • an insurrection--

  • [ Laughing ] Oh, my.

  • -Hey. -Wow.

  • [ Chuckles ] -Wow.

  • [ Drumsticks tapping ]

  • -Well, President Biden and Vice President Harris

  • met with the CEOs of Lowe's, The Gap,

  • Walmart, and JPMorgan

  • to discuss the President's stimulus plan.

  • There was an awkward moment when the CEO of Walmart

  • walked up to Biden and said, "Hey, I know you.

  • You're one of our greeters."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • They would have invited the CEO of Old Navy,

  • but they were afraid it would lead to Biden

  • telling another long story.

  • [ Imitating Biden ] "The Old Navy used to be called The Boat Squad.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It was led by Dicky Kimblewad.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • He had one arm and three nipples."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Normal voice ] Well, last night, there was another episode

  • of "The Bachelor," and things got pretty intense.

  • And the emotions on that show

  • can be a little hard to handle sometimes,

  • so we thought we could help.

  • Here's a clip from the episode,

  • but re-voiced with the least emotional person we know --

  • Siri.

  • This is "Let's Get Siri-ous."

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Man: [ Whispers ] Let's get Siri-ous.

  • -Weak bitches lie.

  • -You know what a weak bitch does?

  • They tear down other people to make themselves look better.

  • That's what you did.

  • Hold on.

  • I need to fluff my hair.

  • I forgot who I am for a second.

  • ♪♪

  • I had a weak-bitch moment, but I'm back.

  • [ Laughter, applause ]

  • -Wow.

  • [ Laughing ]

  • Oh, she came back. Oh, my gosh.

  • Hey, get this -- a pair of Nike sneakers

  • designed for former president Obama

  • are going on sale for $25,000.

  • Huh.

  • No offense, but those look like the perfect complement

  • to Obama's dad jeans.

  • I'm just saying.

  • If the Obama sneakers are too expensive,

  • for 50 bucks, you can buy a pair of SKECHERS Shape-Ups

  • designed for Joe Biden, so it's up to you.

  • I had no idea Nike did this for presidents.

  • Apparently, they made the same sneaker for Trump

  • but with a built-in ankle monitor.

  • It's pretty cool.

  • [ Audience groans ]

  • Interesting to see. It's just --

  • [ Applause ]

  • Well, this is going viral.

  • Down in Texas, a judge was holding a virtual hearing,

  • and one of the lawyers had some trouble

  • with a Zoom filter.

  • This is real.

  • Check this out.

  • -John, I believe you have a filter turned on

  • in the video settings.

  • -Yes, and I don't know how to remove it.

  • One of our assistants was just trying to...

  • I'm here live. I'm not a cat.

  • -[ Laughs ] Aw.

  • What?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • What?

  • I'm glad he cleared that up.

  • "I am not a cat, okay?"

  • The courtroom sketch artist was like,

  • "Ugh, didn't think I'd be drawing whiskers today,

  • but, hey, what can you do?"

  • Yeah, when he saw that, Trump was like...

  • [ Imitates Trump ] "I want that guy."

  • [ Normal voice ] It got weird when the filter disappeared

  • and the lawyer was licking himself.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Get this -- a company has created

  • a new laptop prototype with seven screens.

  • Take a look at this thing.

  • I can't wait to be on a plane

  • when some guy in the middle seat opens that up.

  • [ Laughs ] "You mind if I use the armrests, dude?

  • [ Grunts ] Check all my screens there.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Gotta make sure my Grindr's up.

  • The Twitter is on the --

  • Gotta make sure that..."

  • You're not that important, buddy.

  • It's all good.

  • And, finally, after dashing across the Australian freeway

  • and causing a multi-car pile-up,

  • a koala got comfortable in the car of its rescuer.

  • Look at this guy.

  • Yeah. [ Laughs ]

  • -Wow. -See?

  • When your country beats COVID, that is your top story.

  • You know what I'm saying?

  • That's what we got to look forward -- We got that.

  • We have a great show for you tonight, everybody.

-Welcome, everybody. Welcome, welcome.

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Trump’s Second Impeachment Trial Begins | The Tonight Show

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    林宜悉 posted on 2021/02/13
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