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  • (upbeat music)

  • - Thanks for writing this email, son.

  • I'd call, but I'm saving my voice for Sunday at 3:00 P.M.

  • Me and the disgruntled senior citizen quad

  • are singing "Paper Cut" by Lincoln Park.

  • - Don't care.

  • (exhales static) Attention all geezers,

  • if you could please follow the skeet socks

  • to the nearest exit.

  • - I owe you a solid, son

  • and a solid from Fletcher Bastille Murphy never expires.

  • You have your whole goddamn life to collect.

  • - Hey mother (beeps)

  • - Fletch, I'm gonna call in a solid right now,

  • please keep my dad outta here for the next 30 minutes.

  • - Sir, yes sir!

  • (bugle music) (door thumps)

  • (body thumps)

  • - Regina, so nice of you to stop by.

  • - Oh cut the (beeps) son.

  • Were you really just going to ignore me

  • after we got into a fight last week?

  • - I ruined our date.

  • You hate me. (crying)

  • - (groaning) I don't hate you.

  • Just because our relationship is over

  • doesn't mean our friendship needs to be.

  • What I hate is you not coming to me to patch things up,

  • but when Mama G cares about something that's broken,

  • Mama G fixes it.

  • - God, you're so confident

  • and sexy.

  • - We're fixing this friendship, all right?

  • Exactly the way our favorite characters

  • from Teenage Ghost Warrior fixed theirs

  • in episode 48, season 12.

  • - You're gonna scoop my eyes out

  • and fill them with the Devil's honey?

  • (evil laughing) - Oh, mm, my bad.

  • Episode 38, season 12.

  • We're gonna lock that door and eat this sugary root

  • which is going to open us up big time.

  • Then we're gonna talk it out

  • until things aren't awkward anymore.

  • Ya in?

  • - No leaving this room until we save our friendship.

  • (exhales) Bottom's up.

  • (upbeat music) - Son?

  • - [Son] Not now, dad

  • - Hey son. - Get out!

  • - [Dad] I love you, son!

  • (grunting) (upbeat music)

  • (laughing)

  • Gotta bug son every few minutes

  • ♪ 'Cause if I don't ♪

  • (slow suspenseful music)

  • - I'll go crazy.

  • - 1981, you and I trucking poison bananas

  • across the Kapapa Islands.

  • We stop at a gas station

  • (door bell rings) and I buy you a Slurpee

  • because you left your wallet in the car.

  • Do you remember that Blark?

  • - I remember as if it were years ago.

  • $0.89, XXL, small, Bahama Mama Blast.

  • - And you remember what you told me

  • after I purchased it for ya?

  • - That I owed you a solid?

  • - Shake my hand.

  • - Oh (beeps) homey.

  • (dramatic music)

  • - Now that you're locked in bahana,

  • son's in there patching things up with Regina

  • after their date night blowup.

  • (beeps) going down!

  • Your boy called in a solid from me

  • asking to keep you outta there for 30 minutes.

  • Now I'm calling a solid from you.

  • No going in there, Blark, 'til 6:42, starting now.

  • (Spanish guitar music)

  • - I'll never forgive this.

  • (Spanish guitar music)

  • - I have liked you for like a really long time,

  • but you were with Zeke and then when you guys broke up,

  • I was so happy that we finally became a thing.

  • - Oh man totally, me too.

  • - Exactly, wow,

  • this root is like flying through my system right now.

  • - Yeah dude, I'm feeling it real hard. (laughs)

  • - So anyway, that's why that day died,

  • I was just trying to impress you and I thought,

  • (dramatic music)

  • oh.

  • - You good, dude?

  • (gurgling) - Regina,

  • I need you to leave.

  • - What?

  • (heart beating) What's happening?

  • Why are you whispering?

  • (gurgling)

  • Why am I whispering?

  • (hesitant grumbling)

  • - The root.

  • Listen, if I move or talk too loud,

  • I am 100% going to poop in my pants.

  • (upbeat music)

  • (clock ticking) (soft slow music)

  • - You have a queen?

  • - Must

  • see

  • son.

  • - You all right?

  • - I'm dandy.

  • I just need

  • water.

  • (clock ticking) (suspenseful music)

  • Call it off, Fletch, call off the solid

  • or I'll blow my (beeps) brains out!

  • My blood will be on your hands (beeps)

  • Call it off!

  • (stopwatch ticking) - It's been nine minutes.

  • (screaming) (gun blasting)

  • (grunting)

  • (pots clattering)

  • (labored breathing)

  • Are ya finished?

  • (sighs) (gun blasts)

  • - Yes.

  • (chair squeaks)

  • - Good.

  • Now, do you have

  • a queen?

  • - Go fish.

  • - Mother (beeps)! (dramatic music)

  • - Okay, I guess I'll leave.

  • - You know what?

  • Stay, it's okay.

  • This is important to me and I think I can make it.

  • (gurgling) - Are you sure?

  • - It's now or never, babe.

  • - Okay, I was pissed that you weren't listening to me

  • and then I blew up on you after being a dick

  • because you just ignored me, which was not cool!

  • But then, (dramatic music)

  • - Lower abdomen?

  • - Mmhmm.

  • - Dull yet sharp pain that feels

  • like an over-filled water balloon perched on a pin cushion?

  • - Yep.

  • - You're in.

  • - No no no no, this can't be happening.

  • I cannot crap my pants in front of you.

  • I will literally kill myself.

  • (grunting)

  • I want to leave, but if I lift my knees past my knees,

  • I'll shotgun, butt chum out my dumper.

  • (grumbling)

  • Son, what do we do?

  • (slow Western music) (horse whinnies)

  • - We do what we came here to do,

  • but it's gotta be quick, 'cause G,

  • there is a man out there named Blark

  • who hasn't barged into this room for a full 27 minutes

  • and when he does come in here,

  • (slow Western music) (Blark yelling)

  • our butt holes don't stand a chance.

  • - Let's finish this, Tark.

  • (dramatic, slow music)

  • (grumbling)

  • - Regina, I am so sorry for not listening,

  • but I'm even more sorry that I was not man enough

  • in reaching out afterwards.

  • That was wrong of me.

  • Our friendship means everything to me.

  • (groaning) I want you to know that.

  • (slow, dramatic music)

  • (grumbling)

  • - Son, I got a lot on my plate at home

  • and sometimes I take my aggression out on people I love.

  • So I'm sorry for that,

  • but you hurt my feelings, dude.

  • (yelling) (slow, dramatic music)

  • And I know this isn't the right way to say this, but

  • (grunts) but I wish you would have manned up and called me.

  • You're my best

  • friend. (slow, dramatic music)

  • And I never wanna lose you.

  • (slow, dramatic music) (clock ticking)

  • (body thumps) - Hm?

  • Blark?

  • - I don't wanna lose you either, G.

  • (clock ticking) - So,

  • no more awkwardness?

  • - No more awkwardness.

  • (clock ticking) (dramatic music)

  • (gentle piano music) (slow motion yelling)

  • (cards flutter)

  • - [Man] A queen, go fish.

  • (gentle orchestral music)

  • (groaning) (gentle orchestral music)

  • (energetic orchestral music)

  • (door squeaks)

  • (energetic orchestral music)

  • (door slams) (everyone screaming)

  • - I just wanted to (inhaling)

  • (farting)

  • What happened here?

  • - I told ya, Blark, we're not supposed to (sniffing)

  • (dramatic music)

  • I think what happened here

  • is the kids thought eating some dirty ass backyard root

  • would make for a cute way to solve their problems.

  • Little did they know, it would simply make them

  • (beeps) their little butt holes rotten.

  • Now they're both slacks deep in kid doogie

  • and embarrassed the hell by it, as they should be.

  • - Yep.

  • - Maybe the best thing for us to do

  • is leave them be.

  • - Hm, yeah,

  • maybe.

  • Or,

  • (energetic music)

  • (men laughing)

  • You guys (beeps) your pants!

  • - Smells like the (yelling incoherently)

  • You're idiots! (men laughing)

  • Is that why you called a solid, son?

  • To (beeps) yourself? (laughs)

  • (rhythmic, energetic music)

(upbeat music)

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Keep Blark Out - Blark and Son (Season 2, Ep. 5)

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    林宜悉 posted on 2021/02/13
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