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  • ♪♪♪ >> Stephen: HEY!

  • WELCOME BACK.

  • VALENTINE'S DAY IS THIS WEEKEND.

  • WINE, CANDY, AND CHOCOLATES...

  • ALL THINGS YOU'VE BEEN EATING EVERY DAY FOR A YEAR, SO YOU'LL

  • WANT TO THINK OF SOMETHING NEW.

  • MAYBE GIVE HER A NICE SET OF RADIAL TIRES.

  • BUT VALENTINE'S DAY ALSO MEANS CARDS.

  • AND AS TALENTED AS THEY ARE, THE PEOPLE WHO WRITE THOSE CARDS

  • DON'T ALWAYS NAIL IT ON THE FIRST TRY.

  • WHICH IS WHY TONIGHT WE'RE TAKING A LOOK AT SOME EARLY

  • GREETING CARD EFFORTS IN OUR SEGMENT, "FIRST DRAFTS."

  • ♪♪♪ >> NO, NO!

  • STUPID!

  • ♪♪♪ >> Stephen: NOW, ORDINARILY, I

  • WOULD DO A BIG SHOW OF TRYING TO FIND SOMEONE TO DO FIRST DRAFTS

  • WITH ME.

  • BUT YOU KNOW WHO IT IS -- THE ONE, THE ONLY EVIE MAGEE, MY

  • WIFE IS HERE, SOMETIMES COLBERT.

  • IT COMES AND GOES.

  • >> IT'S CONFUSING.

  • >> Stephen: IT IS.

  • HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, DARLING.

  • >> HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO.

  • THANK YOU.

  • >> Stephen: GOT YOU BEAUTIFUL CHOCOLATE COVERED STRAWBERRIES.

  • >> THANK YOU.

  • >> Stephen: I'M GOING TO GIVE MY WIFE A PILE OF VALENTINES

  • CARDS.

  • THE TOP CARD WOULD BE SOLD TO YOU AT A DRUGSTORE.

  • BELOW THAT IS THE FIRST DRAFT OF THE CARD THAT IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH

  • TO BE SOLD.

  • DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE PREMISE.

  • >> I DO.

  • >> Stephen: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

  • DO YOU WANT A ST STRAWBERRY?

  • MY DARLING, HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY DAY.

  • HERE'S A NICE ONE.

  • IT SAYS "HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY... WE HAVE GREAT CHEMISTRY."

  • WHICH WE REALLY DO.

  • >> WE DO.

  • SOMETIMES.

  • >> Stephen: SOMETIMES...

  • 27 YEARS?

  • 27 YEARS.

  • >> OH YOU'RE PRETENDING YOU DON'T KNOW.

  • >> Stephen: 27 OR 28.

  • OCTOBER IS 28.

  • >> Stephen: IT'S JUST GETTING HOTTER.

  • >> UTTER JOY.

  • >> Stephen: JUST GETTING HOTTER.

  • >> Stephen: BUT THE ORIGINAL DRAFT SAID, HAPPY VALENTINE'S

  • DAY.

  • THERE'S NO ONE I'D RATHER RUN THIS METH LAB WITH."

  • MIGHT HAVE SET UP THE PUNCH LINE TOO FAR FROM THAT ONE.

  • MIGHT WANT TO KEEP THE BANTER -- >> THIS IS NICE, YOU BROUGHT JOY

  • INTO MY LIFE.

  • >> Stephen: YES, THIS ONE, AS SHE JUST TOLD YOU,

  • SAYS "YOU BROUGHT JOY INTO MY LIFE.

  • HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY."

  • >> VERY SWEET.

  • >> Stephen: IT'S TRUE.

  • BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID "YOU BROUGHT JOY INTO MY LIFE...

  • BUT I'M NOT INTO THIS THROUPLE, IT'S TIME FOR JOY TO MOVE OUT."

  • DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE PREMISE OF THAT.

  • >> I THINK SO.

  • >> Stephen: DO YOU?

  • I'LL EXPLAIN IT TO YOU LATER.

  • >> IN THAT SITUATION, AM I JOY?

  • >> Stephen: YES.

  • AND MARK IS THE -- THIRD OF OUR THROUPLE, I THINK.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) DO YOU HAVE ANY PLANS FOR

  • VALENTINE'S DAY DAY?

  • >> DO I HAVE ANY PLANS?

  • >> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE ANY PLANS FOR VALENTINE'S DAY DAY,

  • SIMPLE QUESTION.

  • >> I DO NOT.

  • >> Stephen: WOULD YOU LIKE TO SPEND IT WITH ME?

  • ( LAUGHTER ) >> YES, I WOULD LIKE TO SPEND

  • VALENTINE'S DAY WITH YOU.

  • >> Stephen: I WOULD LIKE TO SPEND VALENTINE'S DAY WITH YOU,

  • TOO.

  • WE CAN'T DO ANYTHING.

  • IT'S COVID.

  • >> I DO HAVE A THOUGHT.

  • >> Stephen: WHAT'S YOUR THOUGHT?

  • >> SO YOU KNOW HOW I LIKE TAKING MY PELOTON CLASSES, SO I TOOK A

  • PELOTON CLASS IN '80s MUSIC, REMEMBER I TOLD YOU.

  • >> Stephen: YEP.

  • AND THE TEACHER I LOVE, JEN SHERMAN, TALKED ABOUT RIDING

  • AROUND IN HER CAR IN THE MID '80s WITH HER MIXED TAPE MUSIC

  • BLARING.

  • I THINK WE SHOULD GET IN THE CAR AND DRIVE AROUND LIKE WE WERE

  • TEENAGERS.

  • NO PODCAST OR NEWS.

  • >> Stephen: JUST YOU AND ME.

  • MAYBE BENNY.

  • >> Stephen: MAYBE THE DOG.

  • MAYBE.

  • >> Stephen: MAYBE.

  • COULD I HAVE THE -- MM-HMM.

  • THIS ONE TAKES A MORE POETIC APPROACH.

  • OUR LOVE IS LIKE THE OCEAN...

  • BOUNDLESS.

  • BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID: OUR LOVE IS LIKE THE OCEAN...

  • ONLY 5% HAS BEEN EXPLORED AND WE'RE TERRIFIED OF WHAT LIES IN

  • THE DARKNESS.

  • >> OH, GOD, I THINK THAT'S VERY FUNNY.

  • >> Stephen: THAT IS THE REACTION WHEN YOU FIND SOMETHING

  • FUNNY, TO STATE THAT IT IS FUNNY.

  • THAT IS THE NOTHING MORE A COMEDIAN WANTS TOP HEAR THAN 400

  • PEOPLE GOING, THAT IS FUNNY.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) I FIND THAT AMUSING.

  • BREATHTAKINGLY LEVEL-HEADED GIRL I MARRIED.

  • THAT IS EVIE-APPROVED IS WHAT THAT JOKE IS.

  • >> CHECK.

  • >> Stephen: EXACTLY.

  • ( CLEARING THROAT ) THIS IS A GOOD ONE.

  • THIS ONE HAS A CLASSIC TALE.

  • IT SAYS, "I FINALLY FOUND MY ROMEO" AND

  • NOTHING CAN KEEP US APART.

  • BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID, "I FINALLY FOUND MY ROMEO... SO IF

  • I EVER SEEM DEAD, FOR GOD'S SAKE JUST WAIT A MINUTE BEFORE YOU

  • KILL YOURSELF, I MIGHT JUST BE IN A NACHO COMA!"

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THERE YOU GO.

  • THERE YOU GO.

  • THIS IS NICE ONE.

  • IT SAYS, "YOU'RE EVERY BIT AS BEAUTIFUL AS THE MOMENT WE MET.

  • HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, MY LOVE."

  • THAT IS TRUE.

  • >> VERY SWEET.

  • >> Stephen: YOU ARE MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN THE MOMENT WE

  • MET.

  • >> THAT IS VERY SWEET.

  • A LONG, LONG, LONG TIME SINCE THE MOMENT WE FIRST MET.

  • >> Stephen: BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID, YOU'RE

  • EVERY BIT AS BEAUTIFUL AS THE MOMENT WE MET... WHICH WAS

  • SECONDS AGO WHEN I HANDED YOU THIS CARD.

  • I'M PAUL, BY THE WAY.

  • HOPE THIS ISN'T WEIRD."

  • HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY DAY, DARLING.

  • >> THANK YOU, SWEETHEART.

  • HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.

  • >> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH COUNTRY MUSIC STAR

  • BLAKE SHELTON.

  • DID YOU SAY KISS?

  • OKAY.

  • ♪♪♪

♪♪♪ >> Stephen: HEY!

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B1 TheLateShow stephen valentine day valentine happy valentine day

First Drafts: Valentine's Day 2021 feat. Evie Colbert

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    林宜悉 posted on 2021/02/12
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