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  • - My beautiful, talented, compassionate, blond ex-wife.

  • Unfortunately, Heather Locklear couldn't be here tonight.

  • - I was married to Bruce Willis

  • for the first three "Die Hard" movies.

  • Which makes sense, because the last two sucked.

  • - She may not be the perfect wife.

  • But trust me, she's literally the worst (beep) ex-wife

  • on the planet.

  • - He actually proposed to me.

  • He gave me a huge rock, and then he smoked it.

  • (upbeat music) (audience cheering)

  • - Ladies and gentlemen, Demi Moore.

  • (upbeat music) (audience cheering)

  • - Surprise!

  • Thank you.

  • Are you surprised?

  • Are you surprised, Bruce Willis?

  • - Yes. - Yes, I knew he would be.

  • I mean, even though I went over everything yesterday.

  • I knew he'd forget.

  • So, for those of you who don't know me,

  • I'm Demi Moore.

  • (audience cheering)

  • I was married to Bruce Willis

  • for the first three "Die Hard" movies.

  • Which makes sense, because the last two sucked.

  • After all these years, I have to say, you know what?

  • You look good.

  • I mean, you still look the same from the eyebrows up.

  • But, we had some great times together.

  • I mean, we shared a lot.

  • I had three beautiful, amazing children.

  • (audience cheering)

  • Four, if you count Bruce.

  • And then, there's the dogs in Ashton,

  • so that's like six, but you know.

  • I mean, and of course, you know,

  • like, we did argue over the kids' names.

  • And in the end, Bruce won.

  • That's how they got stuck with Willis.

  • But I have to say,

  • our daughters are incredibly well-adjusted,

  • considering two of them are half Bruce Willis.

  • But let me just say, he is a great father.

  • I mean, seriously.

  • I mean, every Christmas, right after he would have the girls

  • go make him his special coffee with medicine,

  • I mean, he would come down the chimney

  • in the wife-beater t-shirt, waving that gun,

  • saying, "Yippee-ki-yay, mother (beep)!"

  • And then, I mean, that's what he's always called them.

  • And they just love his tag lines, I mean.

  • But, what might not know, Bruce is super,

  • I mean, really generous.

  • I mean, when out daughter, Rumor, was a baby,

  • and it was his turn to change the diaper

  • in the middle of the night, he'd lean over and whisper.

  • And he'd say, "I'll give you $1,000 right now

  • if you change that diaper."

  • Of course, I wouldn't do it because, well,

  • the lawyer said, "Don't worry, we'll take care of it.

  • We'll get it in the end."

  • And Scout, Scout asked me not to say anything,

  • but just last week,

  • he offered her $1,000 to change his diaper.

  • I mean, you know, some things never change.

  • They don't.

  • I mean, we were married, let's see, almost 12 years.

  • And that's like 84 in Bruce Willis years.

  • I mean, it's funny the things we do for a part.

  • Like, I know that I have dyed, and cut, and styled my hair,

  • I can't tell you how many, a million ways.

  • But, not Bruce.

  • I mean, that's his real hair.

  • And ladies, let me tell you, the carpets match the drapes.

  • (audience cheering)

  • I mean, I'm not saying he's bald down there.

  • I'm just saying, whichever place you look,

  • it looks like a dick.

  • You know, after our divorce,

  • he said that he considered the end

  • of our marriage his biggest failure.

  • But Bruce, don't be so hard on yourself.

  • You have had much bigger failures.

  • I mean, Planet Hollywood, "Hudson Hawks",

  • "Striking Distance", come on,

  • campaigning for Michael Dukakis?

  • I mean, turning down Clooney's role in "Ocean's Eleven"

  • to focus on playing the harmonica?

  • I mean, I could go on, but they said it's a two-hour show.

  • So, but you know what,

  • I look back over all the years that we've had together.

  • We've certainly had our ups and downs.

  • But I have to say, those were some of the best times

  • of my life.

  • I just look at our marriage like the "Sixth Sense".

  • You were dead the whole time.

  • All kidding aside, truly all kidding aside,

  • I'm really honored to be here.

  • You are someone I truly care about.

  • You will always have a special place in my heart.

  • I'm so grateful that you're in my life

  • and our children's lives.

  • And no matter what, you will always be family.

  • You've been a great friend, a great father,

  • and easily one of my top-three husbands.

  • (audience cheering)

  • Thank you, good night.

  • - Here he is, Tommy Lee.

  • (upbeat music) (audience cheering)

  • - Can I get a big "hell yeah" for Pamela?

  • (audience cheering)

  • Hi, baby.

  • Now, for the real reason I came here tonight,

  • to honor my beautiful, talented, compassionate,

  • blond ex-wife.

  • Unfortunately, Heather Locklear couldn't be here tonight.

  • So, let's make fun of Pamela instead, okay?

  • Okay, this is actually a special time

  • for Pam to be here because she just turned 38

  • and her tits just turned 14.

  • Pam, I'll always remember the very first time that we met.

  • It was at a club in Los Angeles

  • and you spotted me from across the room.

  • You walked up to me and you said those magical five words,

  • "I will (beep) any drummer."

  • Pam and I shared one of history's greatest romances.

  • It's like that book,

  • who am I kidding?

  • I've never read a book.

  • I can barely read my (beep) tattoos.

  • Okay, well you can't imagine what it's like coming home

  • to Pam every night.

  • I mean, unless you own an inflatable doll that nags

  • and pays for your piercings.

  • I'm kidding, baby.

  • I'm so kidding.

  • Pam is the sweetest person alive.

  • I mean, look how much she loves animals.

  • The closest thing I've ever seen her come

  • to animal cruelty was the time she shaved her pussy.

  • She's always doing cool stuff to spice up our love life,

  • like the trapeze she installed in our bedroom.

  • To this day, I cannot go to a circus

  • without getting a boner.

  • Honestly, I can't go anywhere without getting a boner.

  • Like I said, Pam, we've had our ups and downs,

  • mostly in bed, but I'll make you a deal tonight, okay?

  • I'll forgive you for Kid Rock

  • if you forgive me for the stripper in Detroit,

  • the twins in Grand Rapids,

  • the blond from the House of Blues,

  • the brunette from the House of Blues,

  • and the redhead I'm meeting later tonight.

  • And of course, Bea Arthur.

  • (audience cheering)

  • Okay Pam, before I leave, I just wanted to say,

  • you've always been there for me

  • and your spirit and kindness is an inspiration to me.

  • Like I said 500,000 times and on that damn sex tape,

  • I (beep) love you, baby.

  • (audience cheering)

  • - Ladies and gentlemen, Brigitte Nielson.

  • Make some noise for her.

  • (upbeat music) (audience cheering)

  • - Hi, everybody.

  • How are you?

  • I'm here to set the record straight

  • between I, myself, and Flav.

  • I mean, like, people ask me all the time,

  • did you actually find Flav attractive?

  • I wouldn't know, I've only seen the top of his head.

  • But you know, thank you.

  • When we were dating, you know,

  • I started calling him Foofie Foofie.

  • He was calling me Vita.

  • And my parents stopped calling me completely.

  • Yeah, not a good scene, not a good scene.

  • Well actually I should say, Flav has done something

  • for me that Sylvester Stallone never did.

  • He stole my car, yeah, yeah.

  • You may have heard that thing that black guys got these,

  • like, big penises.

  • Uh-huh, don't believe that hype.

  • All right, okay.

  • Because I'll tell you something.

  • You better listen up here, okay?

  • Because Flav's penis, all right, is tiny.

  • It's black.

  • It's cute.

  • It's like Katt Williams, but even funnier, you know?

  • Something like that, yeah.

  • Do you know how disturbing it is

  • to have a man yell yeah boy during sex?

  • Oh, I kept telling him, Foofie Foofie,

  • you're not in jail anymore.

  • Right, honey?

  • Flavor, he's a romantic guy, too.

  • So, he actually proposed to me,

  • and he gave me a huge rock.

  • And then he smoked it.

  • Yeah, not good, not good.

  • And of course you all know, I broke Foofie's heart

  • when I rejected him.

  • But, he just doesn't know what a lucky man he is

  • because this is not only about love, I gave him fame.

  • And I got him a show, yeah.

  • But, I'm a nice, big momma.

  • I got all his little prostitutes a show, too, yeah.

  • You're welcome, ladies, you're welcome.

  • Thank you.

  • Anyway, so Flav, Foofie Foofie, William Drake, Mr. F,

  • you are my soulmate.

  • You remember

  • when we said that we were always gonna be soulmates?

  • I hope it's gonna be like that forever.

  • I don't care what you guys (beep) think, okay?

  • I love you and I love you, too.

  • Thank you so very much.

  • - Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Arnold.

  • (audience cheering)

  • - Oh shit,

  • she's right beside me, isn't she?

  • Oh shit.

  • You know, hi.

  • We have not been in the same room for over 18 years.

  • And, you know, yeah. - Yay!

  • - I'm not here to tear Roseanne a new one

  • because quite frankly, I've seen the old one

  • and it is spectacular.

  • Could use a little paint, maybe a couple plants

  • in the corners, a wicker loveseat.

  • But trust me, that baby is move-in ready.

  • Trust me.

  • Why am I here?

  • Well, I'm here to honor Roseanne

  • and I'm here because I (beep) earned it, man, the hard way.

  • Have any of you guys ever wrestled her?

  • Huh?

  • I have.

  • Has she sent any of you guys over to Paramount

  • to beat up Arsenio Hall for making fat jokes?

  • I did, right?

  • How many of you have been arrested at LAX

  • for defending her singing?

  • This guy right here.

  • Have you ever had her pull a knife on you

  • for spitting on her diet cookies?

  • Yes, yes.

  • That's right. - Nah, nah.

  • - Have you ever been sucker punched in the face

  • by her purse in front of Bob Hope