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  • HUGE DAY TODAY.

  • TODAY, HUGE, MASSIVE!

  • YOU AMERICANS LOVE THIS DAY FOR SOME REASON.

  • OF COURSE, I'M TALKING ABOUT GROUNDHOG DAY.

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SEE?

  • REG, HOW IN THE WORLD HAS THIS TRADITION HELD ON?

  • >> Reggie: WELL, YOU KNOW, A LOT OF IT WAS -- YOU KNOW, IT

  • HAPPENED A LONG TIME AGO, THE TRADITION OF -- YOU KNOW,

  • HAPPENED IN PUNXSUTAWNEY, THERE WAS A GROUNDHOG, AND IF IT SAW

  • ITS SHADOW, IT MEANT ONE OF THE WAYS OF SPRING WAS GOING TO BE

  • LATE OR EARLY, BUT IT WAS REALLY ENFORCED BY THE MOVIE

  • "GROUNDHOGS DAY" STARRING BILL MURRAY.

  • >> James: YES.

  • I WANT TO BE CLEAR HERE, THE MOVIE IS A MASTERPIECE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THAT SHOULD UPHOLD TRADITION

  • TILL THE END OF TIME.

  • BUT THE ACTUAL TRADITION OF THE GROUNDHOG, THE PEOPLE ARE

  • GENUINELY INTO IT.

  • THEY'RE, OH, WE'LL FIND OUT TOMORROW WHAT THE GROUNDHOG

  • SAYS.

  • I HAVE A THEORY, AND THAT'S WHETHER OR NOT THE GROUNDHOG

  • SEES HIS SHADOW, THE SAME THING HAPPENS.

  • JUST A THEORY.

  • I CAN'T PROVE IT.

  • IT'S MY THEORY.

  • MOVING ON, LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE HEADLINES TODAY.

  • TODAY WAS THE DEADLINE FOR RAMP TO FILE.

  • TRUMP IS NO LONGER PRESIDENT, AND LAWYERS WILL BE ARGUING THAT

  • THE TRIAL IS UNCONSTITUTIONAL.

  • I'M GOING TO USE THIS THE NEXT TIME A COP PULLS ME OVER.

  • I'M GONNA BE LIKE, "WELL, I'M NO LONGER SPEEDING.

  • I WAS, I'M NOT NOW.

  • THEREFORE, THIS TICKET IS UNCONSTITUTIONAL."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) AND I KNOW SOMEHOW WEIRDLY YOU

  • DON'T HAVE TO, BUT CAN YOU PUT A MASK ON BECAUSE YOU'RE QUITE

  • CLOSE TO MY WINDOW.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THIS ALL COMES AFTER TRUMP'S

  • PREVIOUS LEGAL TEAM QUIT OVER THE WEEKEND.

  • AND ACCORDING TO NEW REPORTS IT WAS MORE THAN JUST A

  • DIFFERENCE IN APPROACH.

  • TRUMP AND HIS LAWYERS ALSO HAD DISAGREEMENTS OVER HOW MUCH HE

  • WAS GOING TO PAY THEM.

  • THAT DOES NOT SOUND LIKE THE DONALD TRUMP I KNOW.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THERE WAS A DISAGREEMENT OVER

  • MONEY.

  • THE LAWYERS WANTED $3 MILLION, WHEREAS TRUMP WANTED TO PAY THEM

  • NOTHING AND THEN MAKE FUN OF THEM ON CABLE NEWS.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) AND DID YOU GUYS SEE THIS?

  • PRESIDENT BIDEN IS NOW LOOKING INTO REVOKING TRUMP'S ACCESS TO

  • INTELLIGENCE BRIEFINGS, A COURTESY TRADITIONALLY GIVEN TO

  • EX-PRESIDENTS.

  • REVOKING DONALD TRUMP'S ACCESS TO INTELLIGENCE BRIEFINGS.

  • THAT'S LIKE REVOKING A DOLPHIN'S ACCESS TO AN XBOX.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) BY THE WAY, TRUMP FAMOUSLY

  • SKIPPED INTELLIGENCE BRIEFINGS WHEN HE WAS PRESIDENT OF THE

  • UNITED STATES.

  • SO THIS WOULD BE LIKE IF I GOT FIRED FROM THIS JOB AND PEOPLE

  • WERE, LIKE, SORRY, JAMES, YOU CAN NO LONGER GO INTO STU'S

  • OFFICE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) AND I WOULD BE, LIKE, RIGHT,

  • WHO'S STU?

  • SOME BIG NEWS FROM THE WORLD OF TECH.

  • EARLIER THIS AFTERNOON, JEFF BEZOS ANNOUNCED THAT, EFFECTIVE

  • THIS SUMMER, HE WILL BE STEPPING DOWN AS C.E.O. OF AMAZON.

  • >> Reggie: YES!

  • >> James: YES.

  • I WONDER WHAT HE'LL DO FOR MONEY.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) BEZOS WILL BE STAYING ON UNTIL

  • SUMMER.

  • ON HIS FINAL DAY, HE'LL BE BOXED UP, COVERED IN PACKING PEANUTS,

  • AND DROPPED ON HIS FAMILY'S DOORSTEP.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) AND THAT'S NOT THE ONLY AMAZON

  • -- AM I SAYING IT RIGHT, BEZOS?

  • >> Reggie: BEZOS.

  • >> James: BEZOS.

  • >> Reggie: BEZOS.

  • >> James: BEZOS.

  • BEZOS.

  • >> James: BEZOS.

  • THAT'S NOT THE ONLY AMAZON NEWS TODAY.

  • THE TECH GIANT ALSO UNVEILED THE DESIGN FOR ITS NEW $2.5 BILLION

  • HEADQUARTERS IN NORTHERN VIRGINIA, WHICH WILL FEATURE A

  • 350-FOOT-TALL TOWER CALLED THE HELIX.

  • HERE IT IS HERE.

  • LOOK AT THAT.

  • IT LOOKS LIKE A GIANT SOFT-SERVE ICE CREAM MADE OF GLASS, AND FOR

  • THAT REASON ALONE, I'M FOR IT.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) LOOK AT THE OTHER BUILDINGS

  • AROUND IT HERE.

  • EVEN IN THE ARTIST'S RENDERING, THOSE OTHER BUILDINGS LOOK LIKE

  • THEY'RE TOTALLY GOSSIPPING ABOUT THIS NEW SWIRLY TOWER.

  • LOOK AT THIS GUY, WHO THE HELL DULLS HE THINK HE IS?

  • AMAZON'S NEW HEADQUARTERS WILL ALSO HAVE AN OUTDOOR

  • AMPHITHEATER, A DOG RUN, AND PARKING FOR ALMOST 1,000 BIKES.

  • NO LIVING WAGES FOR WAREHOUSE EMPLOYEES, BUT-- AGAIN-- A DOG

  • RUN!

  • ( LAUGHTER ) JEFF BEZOS CALLED HERE AND SAID

  • I WANT TO WORK HERE ON "THE LATE LATE SHOW," WOULD WE GIVE HIM A

  • JOB?

  • >> 100%.

  • >> James: YEAH?

  • WOULD BE GREAT TO HAVE JEFF BEZOS WORK HERE.

  • >> James: THERE YOU GO.

  • THINGS ARE LOOKING UP ALREADY.

  • WHAT WOULD YOU YOU DO?

  • >> SCRIPT COORDINATOR?

  • >> James: DO YOU THINK?

  • ( LAUGHTER ) DO YOU THINK?

  • DO YOU THINK?

  • >> MARKETING, MAYBE?

  • >> James: YEAH, I THINK I WOULD GIVE HIM A JOB.

  • LISTEN, JEFF, WE'LL FIND SOMETHING FOR YOU.

  • ALL RIGHT?

  • THE DOOR'S NOT CLOSED.

  • ARE THERE ANY OTHER LATE NIGHT SHOW BEING OPEN WITH JEFF

  • TONIGHT?

  • >> NO.

  • START AS A P.A.

  • >> James: HE'S GOT TO WORK HIS WAY UP.

  • BEZOS, GET ME A CUP OF COFFEE NOW!

  • SWIRLING AROUND HERE WITH HIS MUSCLES.

  • HE IS RIPPED.

  • HAVE YOU EVER SEEN HIS ARMS?

  • ( LAUGHTER ) AND THIS IS PRETTY COOL.

  • NIKE HAS JUST ANNOUNCED A NEW KIND OF SHOE.

  • IT'S A NO-LACE, SLIP-ON SNEAKER THAT DOES NOT REQUIRE THE USE OF

  • HANDS TO PUT ON AND TAKE OFF.

  • TAKE A LOOK.

  • THERE THEY ARE, LOOK AT THAT.

  • EASY ON, EASY OFF.

  • >> Reggie: I WANT IT NOW.

  • >> James: EASY OFF.

  • LOOK AT THAT.

  • >> Reggie: GREAT.

  • >> James: GOOD IDEA.

  • NOW DO PANTS.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S ALL I WOULD EVER WANT.

  • THAT'S WHAT BEZOS SHOULD BE WORKING ON RIGHT NOW, A PAIR OF

  • PANTS YOU DON'T HAVE TO PICK UP TO PUT THEM ON AND OFF.

  • LAY THEM ON THE FLOOR AND YOU JUST SORT OF SIT AND THEY --

  • YEAH.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) I FEEL THESE AREN'T GOING TO

  • WORK.

  • I FEEL YOU WILL STILL BE USING ONE FINGER.

  • YOU WILL STILL BE, LIKE, OH, MY THING'S CAUGHT.

  • WAIT ONE MINUTE, GUYS, I KNOW YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO USE YOUR

  • HANDS BUT THIS GOT CAUGHT.

  • AND THAT'S ALL IT WILL BE.

  • YOU WANT A PAIR OF THESE, DO YOU, REG?

  • >> Reggie: SO BAD.

  • I HATE LACES.

  • >> James: THE THING WITH THESE SNEAKERS THAT SLIP ON AND OFF,

  • WEAR THEM, DON'T, DOESN'T CARE WHAT KIND OF SHOES YOU'RE

  • WEARING, I'M STILL DUNKING YOUR ASS WHEN WE GET ON THE BB

  • COURSE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW THAT'S A FACT.

  • I'M A BORN BALLER.

  • I'M LIKE WHAT'S HIS NAME, YOKICH.

  • >> LUKADANTICH.

  • >> James: THAT'S THE ONE.

  • THAT'S WHAT I SAID.

  • WOULD YOU GO 100% VELCRO?

  • I WORRY ABOUT VELCRO ON THE WAISTBAND.

  • I DON'T WANT TO BE SITTING DOWN AND TALKING TO SOMEONE AND

  • HEAR -- ( SCRATCHING )

  • DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

  • SIT DOWN TO DINNER.

  • YOU WANT DESSERTS?

  • YEAH, YOU'RE DIGGING IN AND TALKING ON AND THEN JUST --

  • ( SCRATCHING SOUND ) ( LAUGHTER )

  • AND THEY'RE, LIKE, WE SHOULD HEAD OFF YOU GUYS GO.

  • I'LL MEET YOU OUT THERE.

  • AAAHHH!

  • AAAHHH!

  • >> Reggie: THAT'S TOUGH.

  • >> James: AND DID EVERYBODY SEE THIS?

  • THE TEXAS DEPARTMENT OF PUBLIC SAFETY RECENTLY ISSUED AN AMBER

  • ALERT FOR A MISSING CHILD THAT WAS A BIT UNUSUAL, AND WE THINK

  • YOU'LL SEE WHY.

  • HERE'S THE VERY REAL MESSAGE THAT WENT OUT, WE'RE NOT

  • KIDDING.

  • IT WAS FOR CHUCKY, FROM THE "CHILD'S PLAY" HORROR FILMS.

  • IT WAS A JOKE FOR INTERNAL TESTING PURPOSES, AND THEY

  • ACCIDENTALLY SENT IT OUT STATEWIDE.

  • HERE'S HOW YOU KNOW IT WAS A JOKE: IF SOMEBODY REALLY

  • KIDNAPPED CHUCKY, CHUCKY'S NOT THE ONE WE SHOULD BE WORRIED

  • ABOUT.

  • AND THIS WAS A SURPRISE, THE ALERT SAID CHUCKY IS

  • 28-YEARS-OLD.

  • LOOK AT THAT.

  • IF THAT'S TRUE, IT'S TIME TO START GOING BY "CHARLES."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) AND FINALLY, WE HAVE TO GET

  • SERIOUS HERE FOR A MOMENT.

  • YESTERDAY AFTERNOON, PRANKSTERS CHANGED TWO LETTERS ON THE

  • FAMOUS "HOLLYWOOD" SIGN, SO THE SIGN READ "HOLLYBOOB."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) YEAH.

  • AT LEAST SIX PEOPLE WERE DETAINED, AND IMMEDIATELY

  • HIGH-FIVED.

  • CAN WE LOOK AT THAT AGAIN?

  • IN MY OPINION, THEY COULD HAVE SPENT A LITTLE MORE TIME ON THAT

  • IF YOU'RE REALLY GOING TO SEE IT THROUGH.

  • YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

  • YOU'VE GOT TO EAT DOOR IT OR DON'T.

  • THEY WENT TO THE TROUBLE OF GOING TO KINKO'S AND PRINTING

  • OUT A FULL TARP FOR THE FIRST "B."

  • DIDN'T PUT IT UP COMPLETELY RIGHT.

  • BUT BY THE SECOND ONE, THEY WERE JUST LIKE "LET'S JUST PUT A DASH

  • THROUGH THE 'D' AND CALL IT A DAY."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) AND IT TURNS OUT THE PRANKSTERS

  • ARE OPERATING ON BOTH COASTS.

  • YOU SHOULD SEE WHAT THEY JUST DID IN NEW YORK CITY.

  • RADIO CITY MUSIC BALLS.

  • ( LAUGHTER )

HUGE DAY TODAY.

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    林宜悉 posted on 2021/02/10
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