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  • - I hate, I hate turbulence.

  • It's always checking my exits.

  • They tell you got to check your exit.

  • "Check your exit, where's your exit?"

  • And you think you know where your exit is,

  • and then they go, "Well, just in case you think you know,

  • "the closest one may be behind you."

  • And it's like, "Well bitch, I'm in comfort plus,

  • "so if I gotta go back to coach, I'm just gonna die."

  • (energetic music)

  • I went through a rite of passage recently,

  • I was maid of honor.

  • (audience cheers)

  • I don't know why you clap for that, it's no honor.

  • No honor. Every day I went to the mailbox,

  • looking for my honor certificate, never came.

  • (audience laughs)

  • My friend got married, my last best friend got married.

  • I was so upset, 'cause she's unattractive.

  • (audience laughs)

  • It ain't nothing like seeing

  • an ugly bitch walk into happiness,

  • (audience laughs)

  • knowing that you had to kick your cats out the room

  • the night before to masturbate.

  • That really puts things in perspective.

  • (audience laughs)

  • I was her maid of honor, right?

  • Honor!

  • All it was with me being there for her emotionally

  • for six months, telling her that she was beautiful.

  • I was like, "I can't.

  • "I got two cats and sleep apnea, I need a hug.

  • "I can't be here for you."

  • (audience laughs)

  • I spent close to $3,000 on this wedding, 3,000.

  • Throwing parties, buying dresses,

  • and my pussy was dry the whole time, I was so upset.

  • (audience laughs)

  • I said, "Somebody better eat me out after all this money.

  • "I don't care if it's your grandfather,

  • "get him ready, okay?

  • (audience laughs)

  • "Put a bib on him, get him ready."

  • I had to go to this dress fitting.

  • It was my first time going to a dress fitting.

  • I prepared myself, I went and watched "Say Yes to The Dress"

  • to see how it was gonna go down.

  • It's not reality, it's not reality.

  • "Say Yes to The Dress" is 30 minutes, commercial break,

  • you won, and you done.

  • In real life, five hours with this bitch, working my nerves.

  • (audience laughs)

  • And a gay guy kept walking in,

  • trying to upsell with his gayness.

  • "Yes, queen, yes!"

  • And I'm like, "Listen, slow down.

  • "I suck dick too, and I don't do all of that.

  • "Calm down.

  • (audience laughs)

  • "She's buying a dress."

  • Those brides are competitive, they're very competitive.

  • There's 10 brides in there, they all want the same dress.

  • Regardless of body type, they all want the same dress.

  • My friend's like, "I went that dress too."

  • They had a little strapless dress floating around.

  • Her mother's like, "Yes, you're gonna be beautiful,

  • "you get that dress!"

  • I said, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

  • "Whoa.

  • "You don't need that dress."

  • Everybody's like, "Be quiet, shh.

  • "It's her day.

  • (audience laughs)

  • "She's gonna be beautiful, it's her day."

  • I said, "Wait a minute.

  • "I'm the maid of honor, I gotta have honor here.

  • "Okay?

  • "Bitch, you built like a truck.

  • "You don't need to be in that dress.

  • (audience laughs)

  • "Come on, we all thick bitches here, come on, come on!

  • "You're not even built like a Ford,

  • "you're build like a milk truck

  • "that travels across the country

  • "with a refrigerator, all over the place.

  • "I mean, am I being real, or what? Okay?

  • "You need straps.

  • (audience laughs)

  • "Matter of fact, you need to go back in the back

  • "and see if they got two midgets

  • "to hold your shit up all day.

  • "That's how much support you need."

  • (audience laughs)

  • We had to pick out our dresses.

  • She goes, "You pick out whatever style you want.

  • "Whatever style you want, just have my favorite color.

  • "Whatever style."

  • I said, "All right.

  • "What's your favorite color?"

  • "Pumpkin spice."

  • (audience laughs)

  • "That's not even a, that's a drink at Starbucks.

  • (audience laughs)

  • "Wait a minute, whoa whoa whoa whoa.

  • "You got seven big bitches in your wedding,

  • (audience laughs)

  • "and you choose pumpkin spice?

  • "We look like angry jack-o'-lanterns

  • "walking down the aisle."

  • (audience laughs)

  • Boo!

  • Boo!

  • I get to the wedding.

  • Standing next to her, watching my best friend get married.

  • Not paying attention at all.

  • (audience laughs)

  • I'm thinking about the food later, I don't care.

  • "Go do your thing, girl.

  • "I ain't getting dick out of this, do your thing."

  • What happens is, she starts to cry,

  • and she starts to have a meltdown,

  • she's so in love with him.

  • (imitates sobbing)

  • "I love you so much, I just.

  • (audience laughs)

  • "You

  • "make the sun rise."

  • I'm like, "He makes the sun rise?

  • "What about God?"

  • God like, "Bitch, I make the sun rise!"

  • (audience laughs)

  • She's crying and crying, and I hear behind me,

  • "Psst, psst, psst!"

  • I turn around like, "Oh my god,

  • "somebody's trying to stop this ugly ass wedding, what?"

  • And it's her mother behind me going, "Psst, psst, psst!

  • "Get her tissues!

  • "Get her tissues!"

  • (audience laughs)

  • Bitch, this ain't "The Help 2,"

  • I ain't getting her shit.

  • (audience laughs)

  • I said, "I don't have any, I don't have any tissues."

  • "You're the maid of honor!

  • (audience laughs)

  • "You're supposed to have tissues."

  • I was like, "I was at rehearsal with her for six hours,

  • "she didn't do any of this shit!

  • (audience laughs)

  • "I don't have tissues!

  • "Doing it in dress rehearsal, bitch!

  • "I didn't know!

  • "Cry!"

  • (audience laughs)

  • Obviously, I'm from New York, or I live in New York.

  • I'm from Maryland, but I live in New York, and I flew here.

  • I hate flying.

  • Flying is like, it's one of the worst things.

  • We obviously do it a lot as comics,

  • and so I get high a lot,

  • or you know, I eat.

  • (audience laughs)

  • We had a really bad flight recently.

  • You know when the flights bad

  • when the flight attendant sits the fuck down.

  • (audience laughs)

  • When Brenda sits down, you better start praying.

  • This shit, like, "Bitch, why are you buckling up?

  • "Are we okay?

  • "Do I need a parachute?"

  • Because nobody really knows,

  • I realized this last flight,

  • I don't know what to do in the event of an emergency.

  • We all think we do, 'cause we watched the bitch

  • do the little Broadway musical at the beginning, right?

  • Where she's dancing and shit.

  • And it's like, "Bitch, if this is information

  • "I'm supposed to know, please stop fucking dancing

  • "and just tell me what the fuck to do."

  • (audience laughs)

  • Okay, so they also had a flight recently.

  • The plane was going down, and these, the masks came down.

  • And you realize how many people are fucking dumb, right?

  • Because the masks came down,

  • and somebody took a picture

  • of everybody with the mask, right?

  • Because you know, when you're about to die,

  • you want to put it on Instagram.

  • So the masks come down, and nobody was wearing the shit

  • where they were supposed to wear it.

  • You gotta put it on your fucking breathing place!

  • (audience laughs)

  • Right? You gotta put it here.

  • There's motherfuckers wearing it like goggles.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Somebody was wearing it like a birthday hat.

  • Like, "Well I'm the fuck out of here, happy birthday!"

  • I was like, "What the fuck are they doing?"

  • (audience laughs)

  • I hate turbulence, I hate turbulence.

  • It's always checking my exit.

  • They tell you you gotta check your exit.

  • "Check your exit, where's your exit?"

  • And you think you know where your exit is,

  • and then they go, "Well just in case you think you know,

  • "the closest one may be behind you."

  • And it's like, "Well bitch, I'm in comfort plus,

  • "so if I gotta go back to coach, I'm just gonna die."

  • (audience laughs)

  • I'm not going to coach.

  • I'm determined that if a plane goes down,

  • first class is just gonna detach

  • from the rest of the poor motherfuckers

  • and just keep flying to Miami.

  • They don't give a fuck about coach, okay?

  • Memaw only flies every 10 years, that bitch has got to go.

  • You understand?

  • (audience laughs)

  • Plane etiquette is also at an all time low.

  • I was sitting next to this white bitch and her baby, and,

  • (audience laughs)

  • and I guess they had money,

  • 'cause the bitch and the baby had their own seat.

  • (audience laughs)

  • She's fooling around in the bag and shit,

  • and (chuckles) she's got hold of the baby,

  • trying to fool around in the bag,

  • and then she just gets up and pivots

  • and hands me the fucking baby,

  • because of course, I'm a big titty black woman,

  • so I gotta be the plane nanny.

  • (audience laughs)

  • So she pivot, I'm like,

  • "Bitch, don't give me your baby, I'm on coke!"

  • Like, "I don't have time (audience laughs)

  • "for your fucking baby, bitch!

  • "This is not 'The Help,' I will eat this nigga."

  • Even the baby was like, "Don't give me to that bitch!"

  • It was like,

  • "This is not the one, bitch, uh-uh."

  • Plane etiquette is fucked up.

  • Sometimes, you get in a fucked up situation on a plane,

  • you don't know what to do, you don't want to say anything,

  • and then you get trapped up.

  • There was recently this white lady on a plane

  • and she took a picture

  • of this white nigga had his feet over her head.

  • Do you remember that? You see that picture?

  • With the, you saw it?

  • See, me and the black lady connected,

  • 'cause we already know where we're going.

  • The white people catching up, you understand?

  • They're like, "What was the problem?"