Subtitles section Play video Print subtitles - I hate, I hate turbulence. It's always checking my exits. They tell you got to check your exit. "Check your exit, where's your exit?" And you think you know where your exit is, and then they go, "Well, just in case you think you know, "the closest one may be behind you." And it's like, "Well bitch, I'm in comfort plus, "so if I gotta go back to coach, I'm just gonna die." (energetic music) I went through a rite of passage recently, I was maid of honor. (audience cheers) I don't know why you clap for that, it's no honor. No honor. Every day I went to the mailbox, looking for my honor certificate, never came. (audience laughs) My friend got married, my last best friend got married. I was so upset, 'cause she's unattractive. (audience laughs) It ain't nothing like seeing an ugly bitch walk into happiness, (audience laughs) knowing that you had to kick your cats out the room the night before to masturbate. That really puts things in perspective. (audience laughs) I was her maid of honor, right? Honor! All it was with me being there for her emotionally for six months, telling her that she was beautiful. I was like, "I can't. "I got two cats and sleep apnea, I need a hug. "I can't be here for you." (audience laughs) I spent close to $3,000 on this wedding, 3,000. Throwing parties, buying dresses, and my pussy was dry the whole time, I was so upset. (audience laughs) I said, "Somebody better eat me out after all this money. "I don't care if it's your grandfather, "get him ready, okay? (audience laughs) "Put a bib on him, get him ready." I had to go to this dress fitting. It was my first time going to a dress fitting. I prepared myself, I went and watched "Say Yes to The Dress" to see how it was gonna go down. It's not reality, it's not reality. "Say Yes to The Dress" is 30 minutes, commercial break, you won, and you done. In real life, five hours with this bitch, working my nerves. (audience laughs) And a gay guy kept walking in, trying to upsell with his gayness. "Yes, queen, yes!" And I'm like, "Listen, slow down. "I suck dick too, and I don't do all of that. "Calm down. (audience laughs) "She's buying a dress." Those brides are competitive, they're very competitive. There's 10 brides in there, they all want the same dress. Regardless of body type, they all want the same dress. My friend's like, "I went that dress too." They had a little strapless dress floating around. Her mother's like, "Yes, you're gonna be beautiful, "you get that dress!" I said, "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. "Whoa. "You don't need that dress." Everybody's like, "Be quiet, shh. "It's her day. (audience laughs) "She's gonna be beautiful, it's her day." I said, "Wait a minute. "I'm the maid of honor, I gotta have honor here. "Okay? "Bitch, you built like a truck. "You don't need to be in that dress. (audience laughs) "Come on, we all thick bitches here, come on, come on! "You're not even built like a Ford, "you're build like a milk truck "that travels across the country "with a refrigerator, all over the place. "I mean, am I being real, or what? Okay? "You need straps. (audience laughs) "Matter of fact, you need to go back in the back "and see if they got two midgets "to hold your shit up all day. "That's how much support you need." (audience laughs) We had to pick out our dresses. She goes, "You pick out whatever style you want. "Whatever style you want, just have my favorite color. "Whatever style." I said, "All right. "What's your favorite color?" "Pumpkin spice." (audience laughs) "That's not even a, that's a drink at Starbucks. (audience laughs) "Wait a minute, whoa whoa whoa whoa. "You got seven big bitches in your wedding, (audience laughs) "and you choose pumpkin spice? "We look like angry jack-o'-lanterns "walking down the aisle." (audience laughs) Boo! Boo! I get to the wedding. Standing next to her, watching my best friend get married. Not paying attention at all. (audience laughs) I'm thinking about the food later, I don't care. "Go do your thing, girl. "I ain't getting dick out of this, do your thing." What happens is, she starts to cry, and she starts to have a meltdown, she's so in love with him. (imitates sobbing) "I love you so much, I just. (audience laughs) "You "make the sun rise." I'm like, "He makes the sun rise? "What about God?" God like, "Bitch, I make the sun rise!" (audience laughs) She's crying and crying, and I hear behind me, "Psst, psst, psst!" I turn around like, "Oh my god, "somebody's trying to stop this ugly ass wedding, what?" And it's her mother behind me going, "Psst, psst, psst! "Get her tissues! "Get her tissues!" (audience laughs) Bitch, this ain't "The Help 2," I ain't getting her shit. (audience laughs) I said, "I don't have any, I don't have any tissues." "You're the maid of honor! (audience laughs) "You're supposed to have tissues." I was like, "I was at rehearsal with her for six hours, "she didn't do any of this shit! (audience laughs) "I don't have tissues! "Doing it in dress rehearsal, bitch! "I didn't know! "Cry!" (audience laughs) Obviously, I'm from New York, or I live in New York. I'm from Maryland, but I live in New York, and I flew here. I hate flying. Flying is like, it's one of the worst things. We obviously do it a lot as comics, and so I get high a lot, or you know, I eat. (audience laughs) We had a really bad flight recently. You know when the flights bad when the flight attendant sits the fuck down. (audience laughs) When Brenda sits down, you better start praying. This shit, like, "Bitch, why are you buckling up? "Are we okay? "Do I need a parachute?" Because nobody really knows, I realized this last flight, I don't know what to do in the event of an emergency. We all think we do, 'cause we watched the bitch do the little Broadway musical at the beginning, right? Where she's dancing and shit. And it's like, "Bitch, if this is information "I'm supposed to know, please stop fucking dancing "and just tell me what the fuck to do." (audience laughs) Okay, so they also had a flight recently. The plane was going down, and these, the masks came down. And you realize how many people are fucking dumb, right? Because the masks came down, and somebody took a picture of everybody with the mask, right? Because you know, when you're about to die, you want to put it on Instagram. So the masks come down, and nobody was wearing the shit where they were supposed to wear it. You gotta put it on your fucking breathing place! (audience laughs) Right? You gotta put it here. There's motherfuckers wearing it like goggles. (audience laughs) Somebody was wearing it like a birthday hat. Like, "Well I'm the fuck out of here, happy birthday!" I was like, "What the fuck are they doing?" (audience laughs) I hate turbulence, I hate turbulence. It's always checking my exit. They tell you you gotta check your exit. "Check your exit, where's your exit?" And you think you know where your exit is, and then they go, "Well just in case you think you know, "the closest one may be behind you." And it's like, "Well bitch, I'm in comfort plus, "so if I gotta go back to coach, I'm just gonna die." (audience laughs) I'm not going to coach. I'm determined that if a plane goes down, first class is just gonna detach from the rest of the poor motherfuckers and just keep flying to Miami. They don't give a fuck about coach, okay? Memaw only flies every 10 years, that bitch has got to go. You understand? (audience laughs) Plane etiquette is also at an all time low. I was sitting next to this white bitch and her baby, and, (audience laughs) and I guess they had money, 'cause the bitch and the baby had their own seat. (audience laughs) She's fooling around in the bag and shit, and (chuckles) she's got hold of the baby, trying to fool around in the bag, and then she just gets up and pivots and hands me the fucking baby, because of course, I'm a big titty black woman, so I gotta be the plane nanny. (audience laughs) So she pivot, I'm like, "Bitch, don't give me your baby, I'm on coke!" Like, "I don't have time (audience laughs) "for your fucking baby, bitch! "This is not 'The Help,' I will eat this nigga." Even the baby was like, "Don't give me to that bitch!" It was like, "This is not the one, bitch, uh-uh." Plane etiquette is fucked up. Sometimes, you get in a fucked up situation on a plane, you don't know what to do, you don't want to say anything, and then you get trapped up. There was recently this white lady on a plane and she took a picture of this white nigga had his feet over her head. Do you remember that? You see that picture? With the, you saw it? See, me and the black lady connected, 'cause we already know where we're going. The white people catching up, you understand? They're like, "What was the problem?"