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  • - As I said before, I don't like talking about politics

  • on stage or off stage

  • 'cause I don't like talking about things

  • I don't feel like I'm truly knowledgeable in.

  • But I do now this.

  • Our government is placed in charge of all of its people.

  • I'm a father who's been placed in charge of just one son.

  • And I lie to that nigger all the time.

  • (audience laughing) (upbeat instrumental music)

  • (audience cheering)

  • I'm happy in general.

  • My son just turned 10 years old.

  • (audience cheering)

  • Thank you.

  • (audience laughing)

  • It's been a pleasure watching him grow up

  • from a little bitty baby

  • (audience laughing)

  • into a 10 year old (beep) psychopath.

  • (audience laughing)

  • And you can chart his descent into madness

  • (audience laughing)

  • by how he's changed his stance on pinatas.

  • (audience laughing)

  • 'Cause when he was a toddler, he was terrified of pinatas

  • (audience laughing)

  • and it was my job to vanquish them.

  • (audience laughing)

  • Now, he treats opinion like he's a mob boss from New Jersey

  • (audience laughing)

  • and Optimus Prime owes him several thousand dollars.

  • (audience laughing)

  • He works it across the knees for a little bit,

  • (audience laughing)

  • takes a break so he can kiss his mother

  • and pay some respect,

  • (audience laughing)

  • then he bashes in the skull

  • (audience laughing)

  • and I take pictures and post it on my Facebook.

  • (audience laughing)

  • So, my son is 10, which is wonderful.

  • He has autism, which can be difficult.

  • He's also a huge (beep).

  • (audience laughing)

  • (Ron giggling)

  • (audience laughing)

  • Some people don't like it when I call

  • my 10 year old disabled child an (beep).

  • (audience laughing)

  • To which I always respond,

  • "If you only use 30 words and your three favorite are,

  • "'More pancakes, biatch.'"

  • (audience laughing)

  • Actually, that's pretty cool.

  • (audience laughing)

  • (image whooshing)

  • I'm glad I moved to Oregon.

  • I got to try some things.

  • I now love and enjoy like ice coffees.

  • (audience laughing) - Yeah.

  • - Or white women.

  • Those of both great.

  • (audience cheering)

  • I'm just joking.

  • (audience laughing)

  • Coffee is gross.

  • (audience laughing)

  • Every time I drink any, I get really sick,

  • which leads me to believe I must be allergic to energy.

  • (audience laughing)

  • Which I later found out is not something you can put

  • on a medical marijuana application.

  • (audience laughing) - Yeah.

  • - I have a cousin that's very sensitive about racism.

  • He called me one day 'cause he was quite upset

  • that he went to a tuba recital where he was one

  • of only three Black tuba players,

  • (audience laughing)

  • and he thought that was racist.

  • (audience laughing)

  • And I wanted to agree,

  • (audience laughing)

  • but then I realized three Black tuba players

  • is a lot of fucking Black tuba players.

  • (audience laughing) (audience clapping)

  • it is about time someone said it.

  • (audience laughing)

  • If you see more than five Black tuba players

  • (audience laughing)

  • you're watching an OutKast video.

  • (audience laughing)

  • (audience cheering)

  • It's been a wonderful year for me.

  • I recently turned 30.

  • (audience cheering) Thank you.

  • I like that I turned 30 'cause now I feel I'm gonna love

  • the things I enjoy until the day I die,

  • which is mostly ignorant rap music.

  • (audience laughing)

  • (audience cheering)

  • If you can rhyme titties with titties

  • (audience laughing)

  • I will buy your album.

  • (audience laughing)

  • (image whooshing)

  • Like why do I always have to prove to a robot

  • that I'm not a robot?

  • (audience laughing)

  • Why do you even care?

  • (audience laughing)

  • Who puts you up to this, robot?

  • (audience laughing)

  • And how do you even want me to prove it?

  • With a captcha?

  • (audience laughing)

  • By putting in a series of random letters and numbers?

  • That sounds like something a robot would be pretty good at.

  • (audience laughing)

  • (audience clapping)

  • I don't go up to my toaster and be like,

  • "Hey, prove to me you not my friend Craig right now?"

  • (audience laughing)

  • "You looking a little Craig-like to me."

  • (audience laughing)

  • "Kinda acting like Craig."

  • (audience laughing)

  • "Turning my bread into toast,

  • "that's one of Craig's favorite thing."

  • (audience laughing)

  • "Oh, that is you, Craig!"

  • (audience laughing)

  • "You love sitting on kitchen counters, dude."

  • (audience laughing)

  • Now, there's just certain people I have no time for,

  • like if you're sexist or homophobic

  • or if you don't believe in conspiracy theories.

  • (audience laughing) (audience cheering)

  • I just don't understand how do you not believe

  • in any conspiracy theories.

  • I understand not all of them, not most of them,

  • but you don't believe in any conspiracy theories.

  • (audience laughing)

  • You just think the government's just batting a thousand

  • and telling us the whole truth.

  • (audience laughing)

  • That's a strong stance to take.

  • (audience laughing)

  • Again, as I said before, I don't like talking about politics

  • on stage or off stage

  • 'cause I don't like talking about things

  • I don't feel like I'm truly knowledgeable in.

  • But I do know this.

  • Our government's placed in charge of all of its people.

  • I'm a father who's been placed in charge of just one son.

  • And I lie to that nigger all the time.

  • (audience laughing)

  • (audience cheering)

  • (laughing) I just love conspiracy theories.

  • I have my whole life.

  • Make some up when I'm bored.

  • Why is it that every time you're getting ready to take off

  • on an airplane and the captain got on over the loudspeaker,

  • you always heard the same exact thing.

  • You always hear, "Thank you for choosing us.

  • "We know you have a lot of choices in the airline community

  • "and they all fucking suck, so thank you.

  • (audience laughing)

  • "We got a great crew on board for you this evening.

  • "Barbara's here.

  • (audience laughing)

  • "Oh, you gonna love you some Barbara.

  • (audience laughing)

  • "We even got pretty good weather conditions

  • "so I'm gonna do my best to get us in a few minutes early

  • "so that we can just sit on the runway

  • "for another half an hour.

  • (audience laughing)

  • "So just sit back and relax.

  • "Enjoy yourself.

  • "Oh, but hold up.

  • (audience laughing)

  • "If you don't turn off your phone,

  • (audience laughing)

  • "oh, I swear to God

  • (audience laughing)

  • "on the lives of Barbara's

  • (audience laughing)

  • "beautiful children,

  • (audience laughing)

  • "this plane will fall from the sky."

  • (audience laughing)

  • (audience clapping)

  • But now they're just like, "Oh, nevermind."

  • (audience laughing)

  • (audience cheering) (upbeat instrumental music)

- As I said before, I don't like talking about politics

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(Some of) The Best of Ron Funches

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    林宜悉 posted on 2021/02/05
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