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  • -Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Well, guys, some big news out of Washington today.

  • House Democrats sent former President Trump

  • a letter inviting him to testify under oath

  • at his impeachment trial.

  • There's no way Trump's going to Washington.

  • In fact, Trump's lawyers already called this a publicity stunt,

  • which backfired when Trump was like, "Okay, now I'm in."

  • And get this -- after the Screen Actors Guild

  • criticized Trump last month,

  • today he sent a letter saying that he's quitting the union.

  • Yep. [ Laughter ]

  • Trump's out of work and just quit his union.

  • Even worse, now if he wants medical coverage,

  • he's got to sign up for Obamacare.

  • I mean, it just keeps -- It just keeps going.

  • It's like, "Oh, my God."

  • Meanwhile, Melania heard and was like, "Um, Donald,

  • while we're on the subject of leaving unions..."

  • [ Clears throat ]

  • But check this out. In the letter,

  • Trump actually bragged about his acting credits.

  • This is real. He wrote, "I'm very proud of my work

  • on movies such as 'Home Alone 2,' 'Zoolander,'

  • and 'Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps'

  • and television shows including The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.'"

  • One day, you're the most powerful man on Earth.

  • The next, you're bragging about your one line

  • in "Home Alone 2."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I forgot Trump was on "Fresh Prince."

  • It turns out he was the third Aunt Viv.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Well, guys, the Super Bowl is just a few days away,

  • but if you're thinking of throwing a party on Sunday,

  • you might want to listen to what Dr. Fauci has to say.

  • -Absolutely not.

  • I mean, watch the Super Bowl on TV, enjoy it,

  • have a party in your house with your family.

  • So, as difficult as that is, at least this time around,

  • just lay low and cool it.

  • -Fauci was like, "This is about public health

  • and definitely not because it's Thursday

  • and I still haven't been invited to one.

  • Just want to make that clear.

  • But had I been or have I been, I would not go.

  • Of course not."

  • Listen to this, guys. I read that if the Buccaneers

  • win on Sunday, Tom Brady will get

  • a $500,000 bonus.

  • When he heard that, Brady was like, "Golly.

  • I better start practicing."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It's a $500,000 "incentive."

  • I don't even understand why they do this.

  • Who needs an incentive to try and win the Super Bowl?

  • It's like, "All right. Now I'll try."

  • When asked why he had that added to his contract,

  • Brady said...

  • "Because it's funny."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Get this. Down in Tampa, the local news decided

  • to talk to a 99-year-old Buccaneers fan.

  • She's pretty fired up about the game. Watch this.

  • -The Bucs is the ones that I love.

  • Tom Brady. We did it. We kicked [bleep].

  • Now Patrick is coming to our house to get his [bleep] kicked.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • The news anchor was like, "Wow. I did not think

  • that we needed the bleep button for that segment, but, okay."

  • Yeah, she and Tom go way back.

  • She was actually a Patriots cheerleader

  • during his rookie season.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yeah, she's the only fan of the Buccaneers

  • who knew actual buccaneers.

  • This is interesting. I heard that each year

  • a handful of Super Bowl commercials

  • are rejected by TV networks. Either they're too controversial

  • or just not right for the big game.

  • We got our hands on one of them, and you can see

  • why it didn't make it, I think.

  • Take a look.

  • -Clydesdales. Powerful. Mighty.

  • And now available

  • in every scoop of tuna at Subway.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -That is awful. That is awful. That is terr-- That is --

  • That should not -- That should not air.

  • That should not air on television.

  • I agree. Good for them. That's terrible.

  • -Oh, my God.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Check this out. In Saudi Arabia,

  • there's a roller coaster that's opening in 2023

  • that will travel more than 155 miles per hour.

  • And they released a simulation video.

  • This is real. Watch this.

  • [ Riders screaming ]

  • ♪♪

  • You know it's an insane idea when even the simulated people

  • are screaming.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Listen to this. I read about a man in Florida

  • who was caught trying to board a flight

  • with 22 pounds of meth in his luggage.

  • Yeah, luggage with 22 pounds of meth,

  • or, as it's known in Florida, luggage.

  • There you go.

  • [ Applause ] Thank you.

  • And, finally, as I said before, the Super Bowl is this Sunday

  • with the Kansas City Chiefs taking on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

  • Now, as you know, after the game,

  • they give out awards like Most Valuable Player,

  • but they also give out awards before the game.

  • I'll show you what I mean.

  • It's time for "Tonight Show Superlatives."

  • -♪ Tonight Show Superlatives

  • ♪♪

  • Our first player is Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes.

  • He was voted...

  • Next up from the Chiefs is linebacker Ben Niemann.

  • He was voted...

  • Oh, that's...

  • Here's Bucs tight end Rob Gronkowski.

  • He was voted...

  • Next up from the Bucs is wide receiver Mike Evans.

  • He was voted...

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Up next is Chiefs' Nick Allegretti. He was voted...

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Up next from the Bucs is Ross Cockrell.

  • He was voted...

  • Achoo!

  • Next from the Bucs is Blaine Gabbert. He was voted...

  • And, finally, from the Bucs is Tom Brady. He was voted...

  • There you go. Those are Super Bowl Superlatives.

-Welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show."

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Trump Invited to Testify at Impeachment Trial, Super Bowl Superlatives | The Tonight Show

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    林宜悉 posted on 2021/02/05
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