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  • -Thank you very much and welcome to

  • "The Tonight Show," everybody.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Well, guys, today is February 2nd,

  • which, of course, means it is Groundhog Day.

  • Yep, first thing this morning, Punxsutawney Phil

  • made his annual prediction on when winter will end.

  • Here it is.

  • -Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye!

  • There's a perfect shadow cast of me.

  • Six more weeks of winter there will be.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • -Yeah.

  • And then he said, "Mask upon my face is not seen,

  • so two more weeks of quarantine."

  • I'm just glad we are still holding up wild rodents.

  • Clearly, we've learned a lot about

  • public health from the pandemic.

  • But it seems Punxsutawney Phil has been spending lockdown

  • like the rest of us, because he came out in stretchy pants,

  • eating a tube of cookie dough.

  • I thought that was...

  • I'm all for this non-political news,

  • but this whole thing is getting a little silly, isn't it?

  • I mean, top hats and scrolls and wall-to-wall coverage?

  • It's a groundhog.

  • It's not a royal wedding.

  • I mean, Biden's inauguration didn't get this much attention.

  • Hear ye, hear ye!

  • Everyone's talking about six more weeks of winter,

  • but there was a strange moment

  • when they first greeted Punxsutawney Phil.

  • Now, this is real. See if you think this is odd.

  • I don't know. Listen to this.

  • -Oh!

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Ahh!

  • Yeah, I think I have a prediction.

  • A restraining order is about to filed by a groundhog.

  • That guy cracked on Day 3 of the pandemic

  • and hasn't cracked back.

  • "You look beautiful today.

  • You're the special one. You're my special one.

  • You would never block me on Instagram, would you?"

  • Well, guys, it must be Groundhog Day,

  • because we're living through Trump's impeachment again.

  • That's right.

  • Today, House Democrats filed a brief that says

  • Trump's singularly responsible for the Capitol riots.

  • When the news broke, Trump was furious,

  • while Rudy was heartbroken.

  • "Singularly responsible?

  • What am I? Chopped cigars?"

  • After that, Trump's legal team filed their own brief

  • that claims that he isn't responsible.

  • It wasn't that hard to write.

  • His lawyers just copied and pasted his defense

  • from the last impeachment.

  • "Control-F 'Ukraine,' replace with 'riot.'

  • And send."

  • But get this -- there was actually a typo

  • on the first page of the Trump brief.

  • But I'm sure it was a long, complicated legal term.

  • Nope.

  • It's just the name of our country.

  • That's it. No big deal.

  • Yeah, Trump was like, "Totally unfair.

  • The Microsoft paperclip is Antifa."

  • Well, here's some good news.

  • Today, the Biden administration made a big announcement

  • regarding vaccine distribution.

  • Listen to this.

  • -Starting on February 11th, the federal government

  • will deliver vaccines directly to select pharmacies

  • across the country.

  • -Hmm. After Trump, Biden looks like a genius

  • for just being like, "I got an idea.

  • How about all the places that give flu shots --

  • they should give vaccine shots."

  • Oh, thanks, professor! Wow! Amazing!

  • Yeah, it sounds like a smart idea.

  • Although, CVS already shelved the vaccine

  • to make room for its Halloween decorations.

  • Some big business news today.

  • Jeff Bezos announced that he is stepping down

  • as C.E.O. of Amazon.

  • Right now, his assistant is shipping his office stuff home

  • in 47 different boxes.

  • Yeah, Bezos knew it was time to go when an Amazon drone

  • showed up at his door and said, "I'm your boss now."

  • Some more business news.

  • I saw that after Subway was sued for allegedly using fake tuna,

  • they decided to respond in an interesting way.

  • Listen to this.

  • -Subway is offering a 15% discount

  • on any tuna foot-long in the app or online

  • with promo code "ITSREAL."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Unfortunately, the promo code they meant to use was "ITSSEAL."

  • [ Cymbal crash ] I think that is awful.

  • I think that...

  • Yeah, this promo thing is not working.

  • And they also have a discount on turkey subs

  • with the code "DIDNT-DROP-THIS."

  • I mean, why?

  • Why bring it up? Why...

  • Some entertainment news.

  • I read that Netflix is already making a movie about

  • the drama surrounding GameStop's stock.

  • Meanwhile, when the news broke, Hulu panicked and green-lit

  • a movie about the tuna at Subway.

  • Well, guys, there was a new episode of

  • "Below Deck" last night, and things are really heating up.

  • The emotions on that show can be a little hard to handle.

  • So to help, here's a scene from "Below Deck"

  • revoiced with the least-emotional person we know,

  • Siri.

  • It's time our latest installment of "Let's Get Siri-ous."

  • ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ]

  • -Is it a "yes" or "no" you slept in the guest cabin?

  • -We were in the cabin.

  • -Did you sleep in the cabin?

  • -I wouldn't say it was like...

  • -"Yes" or "no"?

  • -Yes, I was sitting on the bed.

  • -Take accountability for what you did.

  • -I will ask you next time. I'm sorry.

  • -There is not going to be a next time.

  • I do want to keep things professional.

  • You're not being professional.

  • I've had enough of you.

  • -Wow. Unbelievable. That drama -- wow.

  • -Yeah.

  • -Well, some sports news.

  • The Super Bowl is just a few days away,

  • and during an interview yesterday,

  • Tom Brady was asked about his plans for the future.

  • Listen to what he said.

  • -Would you consider playing beyond 45,

  • especially with the way you're playing right now?

  • -Yeah, definitely.

  • I would definitely consider that.

  • -Yeah, you can tell the team wants him to keep playing.

  • Today, Brady's coach woke him up by whispering,

  • "You look beautiful today."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And, finally, I read about four travelers at an airport

  • in China who ate 66 pounds of oranges

  • to avoid paying a $46 luggage fee.

  • On the bright side,

  • with a little turbulence and a lot of vodka,

  • they were able to make the most amazing screwdrivers.

  • Hey, guys, the Super Bowl is coming up,

  • and so this is big news here at the show.

  • This year, I challenged Tariq to a contest --

  • who can make the best dip?

  • So, this Thursday will be the first annual --

  • Do we have to put the word "annual" in there?

  • The first annual "Tonight Show" Dip-Off.

  • -Well, you can say "annual," but you're not --

  • Like, once you lose, it's not like you want to come back

  • next year and do it again.

  • -Ooh!

  • -Come on, man. I don't lose a dip-off, man.

  • -Okay. -I don't lose a dip-off.

  • So, here's the rules.

  • For -- there's people online freaking out.

  • They go, "I understand you're doing this,

  • but what are the rules, Jimmy?

  • Tell me what's up."

  • -What's the rules? -"Give it to me straight."

  • You got 30 minutes to make it.

  • -What? -Oh, okay.

  • -Yeah. And it must include cheese of some kind, okay?

  • -Okay.

  • -And then we need a judge, and the judge is Questlove.

  • -I got this in the bag. Like, come on.

  • You think my boy -- you think he's gonna pick you?

  • Come on.

  • -Here's the -- Here is the deal.

  • Here's the deal. It's a blind test.

  • -Oh! -So he doesn't know.

  • We can -- You could do whatever.

  • So you think you have it in the bag.

  • By the way, I think your dip probably comes out of a bag.

  • -Oh, wow! -Know what I'm saying, dude?

  • -Okay. Cool. Yeah. -Want to have a dip-off, man?

  • -Yeah, I do.

  • I do. Okay. Cool, bro. -You know what I'm saying?

  • -Yep. We gonna see.

  • Well, I guess we won't see, because it's blind.

  • -Yeah. So, this Thursday,

  • Quest will -- He won't be blindfolded while eating,

  • so we can -- But he --

  • -He won't know whose dip is whose.

  • -He won't know whose dip -- He'll be dipping in some dip.

  • -It comes down to the taste. He'll know.

  • He'll know. He'll know what's up.

  • -No, he'll know -- He'll definitely know what's up.

  • -Wait. Why y'all talking about me in third person.

  • -Well, no.

  • Pretend that you're blindfolded now.

  • -Yeah.

  • -Who do you think -- Who --

  • I'm telling you, he --

  • I mean, I've known him for 12 years, man.

  • -Yeah, that's nothing. -Quality. Quality.

  • -That's nothing. That's nothing.

  • -No. I'm talking about Q.T., man.

  • -Oh, quality time. Okay. Cool.

  • Well, alright.

  • -I mean, you've known each other how long?

  • -33 years. -Yeah.

  • So half the time, and I still think I got it --

  • -You think 12 times 2 is 33? [ Cymbal crash ]

  • I've got this. I've got this in the bag.

  • -Yo, you didn't even have to do the math like...

  • -I'm not a gen-- Look, I'm just saying.

  • I'm talking about quality time out of those 33 years.

  • -Yeah. It's all --

  • -Yeah, you guys are Larry Birding it, man,

  • but I'm, like, you know...

  • -Yeah. -I'm...

  • -Kurt Rambis? -Who's...

  • Is he number 12? Like, I don't know.

  • I don't know who's number -- Tom Brady.

  • -Tom Brady. -Okay.

  • -Yeah, there you go.

  • -Well, when I dip, you dip, we will.

  • -We'll find out Thursday who wins the dip-off.

  • Yeah. And the winner also gets a bowl.

  • A -- I'm not going to say a crystal bowl,

  • but maybe a cubic zirconia.

  • As long as you know in your heart that it's -- that you won,

  • you don't need to have the actual crystal.

  • -Yeah, I feel like everybody wins, right?

  • -Well, no.

  • Sadly, the rules state that there is

  • one clear winner in this.

  • And whoever wins gets a dip bowl.

  • -I hear that, man. Well, sorry. -Yeah.

  • -Make room for Dipset, 'cause here we come.

  • -Did you ever hear that story?

  • I think it was Deion Sanders said that

  • he doesn't wear diamond earrings.

  • -Oh, yeah, he wears all, yeah, fake jewelry.

  • -Yeah. Cubic zirconia.

  • He goes, "Because I know I can afford it,

  • but I just don't want to lose it."

  • -Yeah, true.

  • -So that's kind of the same with our dip bowl.

  • -Yeah, so you're making a fake dip.

  • I get it. -No, no, no, no.