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>> Stephen: OH, HEY, THERE, EVERYBODY!
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WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
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I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
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BRINGING YOU THE SHOW TONIGHT FROM THE DIAROMA, THAT WE'RE
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SUBMITTING FOR OUR EIGHTH GRADE SCIENCE PROJECT.
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I HOPE WE GOT A GOOD GRADE.
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WHEN WE FINALLY GET OUT OF THIS PANDEMIC, THERE WILL BE SOME
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PHRASES I NEVER REALLY WANT TO HEAR AGAIN.
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LIKE "SOCIAL DISTANCING" OR "GRIM MILESTONE" OR "ZOOM HAPPY
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HOUR."
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IT'S EITHER ZOOM OR HAPPY.
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PICK A SIDE.
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BUT WE'RE STILL A LONG WAY FROM TUNNELING UP TO THE SUNSHINE,
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BECAUSE YESTERDAY, THE GLOBAL TALLY OF CONFIRMED CORONAVIRUS
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CASES PASSED 100 MILLION, WITH ALMOST A QUARTER OCCURRING IN
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THE UNITED STATES.
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WELL, HE DID DELIVER ON THAT "AMERICA FIRST" THING.
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WE JUST SHOULD HAVE ASKED WHAT CATEGORY IT WAS IN.
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BUT IT'S NO SURPRISE THAT WE HAVE 4%
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OF THE WORLD'S POPULATION AND 25% OF THE CASES BECAUSE THE
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PREVIOUS DOOFUS-IN-CHIEF CALLED CONCERNS OVER THE VIRUS A HOAX,
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PROMOTED QUACK CURES, AND MOCKED PEOPLE FOR WEARING MASKS.
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IT WAS THE WORST PUBLIC HEALTH MESSAGE SINCE THE 1929s:
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PRESIDENT HOOVER SAYS, "DON'T BE AFRAID OF SYPHILIS, PARD'NER!
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REAL COWBOYS RIDE BAREBACK."
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HOOVER, FAR MORE SEX-POSITIVE THAN I REMEMBER!
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BUT THERE'S A NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN, AND I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON
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HIS PLANS IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF "CATCH A THIRD WAVE:
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ENDLESS BUMMER."
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♪ DON'T WEAR YOUR MASK ♪ DON'T WASH YOUR HANDS
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♪ DON'T AWARE YOUR MASK DON'T WASH YOUR HANDS
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♪ DON'T WEAR YOUR MASK ♪ DON'T WASH YOUR HANDS
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♪ DON'T WEAR YOUR MASK.
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NAILED IT!
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JUST CALL ME COVID VAN BEETHOVEN.
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WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
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WHY DID YOU GET THAT THING?
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IS THAT A CATAPULT?
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>> Stephen: YES.
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>> OKAY, OKAY!
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( LAUGHTER ).
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>> Stephen: I WANT TO KNOW HOW MUCH OF TONIGHT'S BUDGET WENT
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INTO CONSTRUCTING THIS CATAPULT AND THEM SEND THAT MAN A BOX OF
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STEAKS.
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YESTERDAY, PRESIDENT BIDEN ANNOUNCED A DRAMATIC CHANGE TO
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AMERICA'S COVID PLAN: THERE IS ONE.
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THE MOST EXCITING NEWS: THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IS BUYING
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ENOUGH ADDITIONAL DOSES TO VACCINATE 300 MILLION AMERICANS
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BY THE END OF THE SUMMER.
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SO NEXT HALLOWEEN, THE HOT COSTUME IS GOING TO BE SEXY
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NORMAL PEOPLE SAYING HELLO.
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THEY'RE SEXY, BECAUSE THEY CAN SHAKE HANDS.
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BUT THAT'S NOT ALL.
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BIDEN ALSO PROMISED STATES THAT THE TOTAL AMOUNT OF VACCINE
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THEY'RE GETTING WILL RISE FROM 8.6 MILLION TO AT LEAST 10
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MILLION A WEEK STARTING NEXT WEEK.
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THAT MEANS FEBRUARY 2nd, NEXT WEEK, GROUNDHOG'S DAY,
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PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL WILL COME OUT OF HIS BURROW AND GET
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VACCINATED!
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NOW HE CAN BE WITHIN SIX FEET OF HIS SHADOW.
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GETTING MORE VACCINES IS GREAT, BUT WE REALLY NEED TO RE-EXAMINE
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THE WAY WE GIVE THEM OUT, ESPECIALLY IN PHILADELPHIA,
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WHERE THEY MADE THE OOPS-A-DAISY OF LETTING COLLEGE KIDS
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DISTRIBUTE VACCINES, AND THE RESULT WAS A DISASTER.
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WELL, YEAH!
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THE ONLY THING COLLEGE KIDS ARE GOOD AT DISTRIBUTING ARE
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ULTIMATE FRISBEE SIGN-UP SHEETS AND H.P.V.
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APPARENTLY, THE CITY CONTRACTED OUT THEIR VACCINE OVERSIGHT TO A
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STARTUP CALLED "PHILLY FIGHTING COVID," RUN BY A 22-YEAR-OLD
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C.E.O., WHOSE RESUME INCLUDED TEACHING A HIGH SCHOOL FILM
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CLASS, PRODUCING VIDEOS OF PEOPLE LONGBOARDING, AND
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PRACTICING PARKOUR.
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SO HE'S NOT QUALIFIED TO MANAGE HEALTHCARE, BUT HE IS QUALIFIED
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TO DATE YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND.
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NO SURPRISE THINGS DID NOT GO SO WELL.
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LOCAL SENIORS WERE LEFT IN TEARS AFTER FINDING THAT APPOINTMENTS
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THEY'D MADE WOULDN'T BE HONORED.
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NOW, THIS MIGHT AFFECT THESE KIDS' CAREER PROSPECTS.
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( AS INTERVIEWER ) "I SEE UNDER 'RECENT
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EXPERIENCE,' IT SAYS 'COMPLETE AND MAKING THE ELDERLY CRY.
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WELCOME TO FACEBOOK!" THAT WASN'T THE ONLY PROBLEM.
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WHILE THEY WERE WORKING ON VACCINE SIGN-UPS, THE GROUP
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SWITCHED TO A FOR-PROFIT MODEL AND ADDED A PRIVACY POLICY,
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ALLOWING IT TO SELL USERS' PERSONAL DATA.
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OKAY, BUT THEIR USE IRS ARE ALMOST ALL ELDERLY!
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WHO'S LOOKING BUY THAT USER DATA, BIG BUTTERSCOTCH?
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ARMCHAIR NAPS UNLIMITED?
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THE SHADOWY GLOBAL CARTEL THAT CONTROLS WALK-IN BATHTUBS?
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I WANT A WALK-IN BATH TUB, THE BY THE WAY.
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THOSE LOOK AWESOME.
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YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
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DEEP ENOUGH TO DROWN IN.
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NOT ONLY WAS THIS STARTUP A MAJOR DISASTER, THE C.E.O. SUCKS
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MAJOR, BECAUSE, REPORTEDLY, HE PERSONALLY POCKETED VACCINE
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DOSES.
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NOW, WE ALL KNOW THEY NEED TO BE KEPT AT 90 BELOW ZERO.
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BUT I'M SURE THEY WERE SAFELY TRANSPORTED BETWEEN TWO ICE-COLD
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NATTY LIGHTS.
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NOW, FOLKS, WE'VE GOT A NEW PRESIDENT, AND ONE OF HIS
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BIGGEST JOBS IS CLEANING UP THE LAST ONE'S MESSES.
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SO YESTERDAY, BIDEN HAD HIS FIRST PHONE CALL WITH RUSSIAN
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PRESIDENT AND SPELLING BEE MODERATOR WARNING THE
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CONTESTANTS THAT ALL THE WORDS WILL BE "POLONIUM," VLADIMIR
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PUTIN.
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REPORTEDLY, BIDEN TOOK PUTIN TO TASK ON THE KREMLIN'S EFFORT TO
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INTERFERE IN U.S. ELECTIONS AND REPORTS THAT RUSSIA OFFERED
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BOUNTIES IN AFGHANISTAN TO KILL AMERICAN SOLDIERS.
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WOW!
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THAT-- THAT IS GOOD TO HEAR.
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I WONDER IF THERE'S A NAME FOR THAT KIND OF CONVERSATION WITH A
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RUSSIAN LEADER: >> PERFECT PHONE CALL.
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>> Stephen: THANK YOU, CITIZEN.
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NOW, BIDEN TALKING TO PUTIN IS HUGE NEWS IN MANY WAYS, THE
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BIGGEST OF WHICH IS WE KNOW ABOUT IT!
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THE LAST PRESIDENT HID THE CONTENTS OF EVERY INTERACTION HE
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HAD WITH PUTIN, AND ONCE SAID "WHAT HAPPENS IN HIS PUTIN
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MEETINGS WAS 'NONE OF OUR BUSINESS,' HE TOOK POSSESSION OF
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THE NOTES OF HIS OWN INTERPRETER AND INSTRUCTED THE LINGUIST NOT
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TO DISCUSS WHAT HAD TRANSPIRED," AND EVEN "DESTROYED THE
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TRANSLATORS' NOTES AFTERWARDS."
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NOTHING SUSPICIOUS ABOUT THAT!
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IT'S JUST LIKE A HUSBAND SAYING, "HONEY, MY CORPORATE RETREAT WAS
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GREAT AND NOTHING HAPPENED WITH MY ASSISTANT JENNIFER.
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NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I DEACTIVATE MY INSTAGRAM, CHANGE
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MY NAME, AND GET A SHOT OF PENICILLIN."
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JOE BIDEN IS TAKING AMERICAN FOREIGN POLICY BACK TO WHAT I
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CAN ONLY DESCRIBE AS "AMERICAN" FOREIGN POLICY.
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AND I'LL TELL YOU MORE IN MY NEW SEGMENT, RETURNING TO...
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>> NORMS!
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>> Stephen: NOW, YOU MIGHT BE SAYING: THAT RIGHT THERE,
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"THAT'S NORM FROM 'CHEERS,' BUT WHO'S THE OTHER GUY?"
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THAT'S NORM WINER, THE FATHER OF BECCA WINER, ONE OF OUR WRITERS'
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ASSISTANTS.
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IT WAS VERY IMPORTANT THAT, FOR "NORMS," ONE OF THE NORMS BE A
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NORMAL NORM.
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NOW, IN THEIR CALL-- DID I EXPLAIN THAT?
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OKAY, GOOD.
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IN THEIR CALL, BIDEN ALSO TOOK PUTIN TO TASK FOR THE COMPUTER
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HACK OF OUR GOVERNMENT, AND PUTIN'S TREATMENT OF RUSSIAN
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OPPOSITION LEADER AND GUY WHO JUST GOT DUMPED AT A TURTLENECK
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FASHION SHOW, ALEXEI NAVALNY.
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NAVALNY WAS POISONED, WHICH MANY SUSPECT WAS AN ASSASSINATION
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ATTEMPT ORDERED BY THE KREMLIN.
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YES, THEY SUSPECT A GUY FAMOUS FOR KILLING POLITICAL OPPONENTS
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OF TRYING TO KILL HIS POLITICAL OPPONENT.
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IT'S PART OF THE NEW RUSSIAN EDITION OF THE CLASSIC BOARD
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GAME, "CLUE: PUTIN DID IT."
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HERE'S HOW THEY DID IT.
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REPORTEDLY, PUTIN'S ASSASSINS PLANTED A LETHAL NERVE AGENT IN
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NAVALNY'S UNDERPANTS.
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THEY TRIED TO KILL HIM WITH HIS TIGHTY WHITIES!
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THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR WEARING "FRUIT OF THE TOMB."
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NAVALNY RETURNED TO RUSSIA AND WAS MMEDIATELY JAILED, BUT THAT
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HAS NOT SILENCED HIM.
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RIGHT AFTER HIS ARREST, NAVALNY DROPPED A VIDEO ENTITLED
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"PUTIN'S PALACE," TYING PUTIN'S CORRUPTION TO HIS $1.3 BILLION
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PALACE.
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NOW, IT SOUNDS BAD FOR A GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL TO HAVE THAT
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KIND OF CASH, BUT REMEMBER, PUTIN SAVES A LOT OF MONEY ON
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SHIRTS.
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THE VIDEO GOT ALMOST 100 MILLION YOUTUBE VIEWS IN THE FIRST WEEK.
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AND IT SHOWS OVER-THE-TOP FEATURES LIKE THIS SPLENDIFEROUS
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THEATER WITH SPLIT-LEVEL VELVET BANQUETTE BOX SEATS.
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THAT WOULD BE A TOUGH ROOM TO PLAY.
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"HEY, DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT THE PRESIDENT WHO WAS SO GREAT
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THAT EVERYONE LOVED HIM?
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THAT'S MY TIME.
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PLEASE, TIP YOUR WAITER, AND THEN HUNT HIM FOR SPORT IN THE
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MORNING.
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IT'S CROSSBOWS."
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THE COMPOUND ALSO FEATURES AN ELABORATE HOOKAH BAR WITH A
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STAGE THAT HAS A RISING STRIPPER POLE, A LAVISH CASINO, AN
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OUTDOOR GREEK AMPHITHEATER, AND THIS GREEN MOUND THAT HOUSES AN
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UNDERGROUND HOCKEY RINK WITH ITS OWN HELIPADS.
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BECAUSE YOU CAN'T BE TRAVELING FROM YOUR PRIVATE OUTDOOR GREEK
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AMPHITHEATER TO YOUR SUBTERRANEAN HOCKEY RINK VIA
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HOVERCRAFT LIKE SOME ANIMAL.
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BUT HE IS REALLY "PUTIN" ON THE RITZ IN HIS INSANE PRIVATE
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APARTMENTS, WITH A MASSIVE FOUR-POSTER CANOPY BED,
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GOLD-COFFERED CEILINGS, AND TACKY GOLD MOLDINGS AND
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CHERUB SCULPTURES EVERYWHERE.
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YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUN?
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YOU DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE THAT HALFWAY THROUGH THAT, I JUST
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SWITCHED FROM SHOWING THE DICTATOR'S COMPOUND TO SHOWING
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OUR OLD PRESIDENT'S APARTMENT.
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BUT HE LIVED BY THE OLD SAYING: DECORATE FOR THE JOB YOU WANT.
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SPEAKING OF CORRUPT REGIMES, ONE FORMER ADMINISTRATION OFFICIAL
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IS REALLY HAVING A TOUGH TIME, BECAUSE WE JUST LEARNED THAT
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MIKE PENCE IS HOMELESS.
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OH, THAT CAN'T BE PRETTY.
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( AS PENCE, BUSKING ) "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE
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"F" TRAIN, IT IS SHOWTIME.
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HIT IT, MOTHER.
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A-5-6-7-8: OUR FATHER WHO ART IN HEAVEN, PLEASE LET THESE PEOPLE
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BUY ONE OF OUR CANDY BAR.
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MOTHER, WORK THE POLE."
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AND SCENE.
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THE PROBLEM IS SINCE PENCE HAD FREE GOVERNMENT LODGING FOR THE
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LAST FOUR YEARS, THE EX-VEEP DOESN'T OWN A HOUSE.
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SO WHEN THE PENCES MOVED OUT OF THE VICE PRESIDENT'S RESIDENCE,
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THEY HAD NOWHERE TO GO.
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THAT'S HOW ALL-IN MIKE PENCE WAS WITH HIS DELUSIONAL BOSS.
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HE WAS SO DEVOTED TO THE LIE THAT THEY HAD BEATEN BIDEN, THAT
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HE MADE NO PLANS WHATSOEVER ON WHERE TO LIVE.
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THAT'S LIKE THE "TITANIC" GETTING RID OF ITS LIFEBOATS TO
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HAVE MORE HULL SPACE TO PAINT THE WORD "UNSINKABLE!"
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BUT THEY'RE NOT OUT ON THE STREET.
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THE PENCES ARE REPORTEDLY COUCH SURFING THEIR WAY THROUGH
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INDIANA, WHICH IS ALSO THE TITLE OF THE WORST BEACH BOYS ALBUM
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EVER.
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WHEN ASKED WHY HE WAS DOING THIS, PENCE HAD A SIMPLE ANSWER:
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>> I GOT NOWHERE ELSE TO GO!
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>> Stephen: HE LOOKS REALLY GOOD, LOOKS REALLY GOOD.
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LETTING A FRIEND CRASH ON YOUR COUCH IS NO BIG DEAL, UNTIL YOU
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CONSIDER THAT THE PENCES STILL HAVE SECRET SERVICE PROTECTION.
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"THANKS SO MUCH FOR YOUR HOSPITALITY, STEVE, BUT, SORRY,
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BEFORE YOU ENTER THE KITCHEN, YOU WILL HAVE TO BE CAVITY
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SEARCHED."
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BUT FINDING A PLACE TO STAY SHOULDN'T BE THAT HARD.
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I CAN THINK OF THOUSANDS OF GUYS WHO WANT TO HANG WITH MIKE
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PNCE.
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RIGHT, FELLAS?
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>> HANG MIKE PENCE!
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HANG MIKE PENCE!
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HANG MIKE PENCE!
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HANG MIKE PENCE!
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>> Stephen: CLOSE ENOUGH.
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PENCE ISN'T THE ONLY PRESIDENTIAL LACKEY HAVING A
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BIT OF A TOUGH TIME.
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SO IS MYPILLOW FOUNDER, MIKE LINDELL, SEEN HERE
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INAPPROPRIATELY TOUCHING AN EMPLOYEE.
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LINDELL HAS SPENT THE PAST FEW MONTHS PEDDLING DEBUNKED
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CONSPIRACY THEORIES ABOUT VOTER FRAUD, URGING THE LAST
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ADMINISTRATION TO IMPOSE MARTIAL LAW TO REMAIN IN OFFICE, AND
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HAVING THE MYPILLOW SITE OFFER DISCOUNT CODES LIKE "QANON."
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I GUESS LINDELL THOUGHT BETRAYING YOUR COUNTRYWOULD PAY
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OFF.
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REMINDS ME OF WHEN BENEDICT ARNOLD SOLD US OUT TO THE
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BRITISH TO GET 15% OFF A SET OF SHAKE WEIGHTS.
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LAST WEEK, J.C. PENNEY DROPPED MYPILLOW, ALONG WITH KOHL'S AND
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BED BATH & BEYOND.
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AND, YESTERDAY, TWITTER BANNED LINDELL.
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OH, THAT'S NICE-- NO MORE FASCIST CONSPIRACIES TO
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DISTRACT YOU FROM THE TOXIC MISOGYNY.
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BUT WITH MYPILLOW IN TROUBLE, THERE'S AN OPENING IN THE MARKET
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FOR CONSPIRACY-SPREADING, AS-SEEN-ON-TV PRODUCTS.
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AND ONE COMPANY IS TAKING ADVANTAGE WITH THIS NEW AD:
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>> EGGS!