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  • >> Stephen: OH, HEY, THERE, EVERYBODY!

  • WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • BRINGING YOU THE SHOW TONIGHT FROM THE DIAROMA, THAT WE'RE

  • SUBMITTING FOR OUR EIGHTH GRADE SCIENCE PROJECT.

  • I HOPE WE GOT A GOOD GRADE.

  • WHEN WE FINALLY GET OUT OF THIS PANDEMIC, THERE WILL BE SOME

  • PHRASES I NEVER REALLY WANT TO HEAR AGAIN.

  • LIKE "SOCIAL DISTANCING" OR "GRIM MILESTONE" OR "ZOOM HAPPY

  • HOUR."

  • IT'S EITHER ZOOM OR HAPPY.

  • PICK A SIDE.

  • BUT WE'RE STILL A LONG WAY FROM TUNNELING UP TO THE SUNSHINE,

  • BECAUSE YESTERDAY, THE GLOBAL TALLY OF CONFIRMED CORONAVIRUS

  • CASES PASSED 100 MILLION, WITH ALMOST A QUARTER OCCURRING IN

  • THE UNITED STATES.

  • WELL, HE DID DELIVER ON THAT "AMERICA FIRST" THING.

  • WE JUST SHOULD HAVE ASKED WHAT CATEGORY IT WAS IN.

  • BUT IT'S NO SURPRISE THAT WE HAVE 4%

  • OF THE WORLD'S POPULATION AND 25% OF THE CASES BECAUSE THE

  • PREVIOUS DOOFUS-IN-CHIEF CALLED CONCERNS OVER THE VIRUS A HOAX,

  • PROMOTED QUACK CURES, AND MOCKED PEOPLE FOR WEARING MASKS.

  • IT WAS THE WORST PUBLIC HEALTH MESSAGE SINCE THE 1929s:

  • PRESIDENT HOOVER SAYS, "DON'T BE AFRAID OF SYPHILIS, PARD'NER!

  • REAL COWBOYS RIDE BAREBACK."

  • HOOVER, FAR MORE SEX-POSITIVE THAN I REMEMBER!

  • BUT THERE'S A NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN, AND I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON

  • HIS PLANS IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF "CATCH A THIRD WAVE:

  • ENDLESS BUMMER."

  • DON'T WEAR YOUR MASKDON'T WASH YOUR HANDS

  • DON'T AWARE YOUR MASK DON'T WASH YOUR HANDS

  • DON'T WEAR YOUR MASKDON'T WASH YOUR HANDS

  • DON'T WEAR YOUR MASK.

  • NAILED IT!

  • JUST CALL ME COVID VAN BEETHOVEN.

  • WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

  • WHY DID YOU GET THAT THING?

  • IS THAT A CATAPULT?

  • >> Stephen: YES.

  • >> OKAY, OKAY!

  • ( LAUGHTER ).

  • >> Stephen: I WANT TO KNOW HOW MUCH OF TONIGHT'S BUDGET WENT

  • INTO CONSTRUCTING THIS CATAPULT AND THEM SEND THAT MAN A BOX OF

  • STEAKS.

  • YESTERDAY, PRESIDENT BIDEN ANNOUNCED A DRAMATIC CHANGE TO

  • AMERICA'S COVID PLAN: THERE IS ONE.

  • THE MOST EXCITING NEWS: THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT IS BUYING

  • ENOUGH ADDITIONAL DOSES TO VACCINATE 300 MILLION AMERICANS

  • BY THE END OF THE SUMMER.

  • SO NEXT HALLOWEEN, THE HOT COSTUME IS GOING TO BE SEXY

  • NORMAL PEOPLE SAYING HELLO.

  • THEY'RE SEXY, BECAUSE THEY CAN SHAKE HANDS.

  • BUT THAT'S NOT ALL.

  • BIDEN ALSO PROMISED STATES THAT THE TOTAL AMOUNT OF VACCINE

  • THEY'RE GETTING WILL RISE FROM 8.6 MILLION TO AT LEAST 10

  • MILLION A WEEK STARTING NEXT WEEK.

  • THAT MEANS FEBRUARY 2nd, NEXT WEEK, GROUNDHOG'S DAY,

  • PUNXSUTAWNEY PHIL WILL COME OUT OF HIS BURROW AND GET

  • VACCINATED!

  • NOW HE CAN BE WITHIN SIX FEET OF HIS SHADOW.

  • GETTING MORE VACCINES IS GREAT, BUT WE REALLY NEED TO RE-EXAMINE

  • THE WAY WE GIVE THEM OUT, ESPECIALLY IN PHILADELPHIA,

  • WHERE THEY MADE THE OOPS-A-DAISY OF LETTING COLLEGE KIDS

  • DISTRIBUTE VACCINES, AND THE RESULT WAS A DISASTER.

  • WELL, YEAH!

  • THE ONLY THING COLLEGE KIDS ARE GOOD AT DISTRIBUTING ARE

  • ULTIMATE FRISBEE SIGN-UP SHEETS AND H.P.V.

  • APPARENTLY, THE CITY CONTRACTED OUT THEIR VACCINE OVERSIGHT TO A

  • STARTUP CALLED "PHILLY FIGHTING COVID," RUN BY A 22-YEAR-OLD

  • C.E.O., WHOSE RESUME INCLUDED TEACHING A HIGH SCHOOL FILM

  • CLASS, PRODUCING VIDEOS OF PEOPLE LONGBOARDING, AND

  • PRACTICING PARKOUR.

  • SO HE'S NOT QUALIFIED TO MANAGE HEALTHCARE, BUT HE IS QUALIFIED

  • TO DATE YOUR EX-GIRLFRIEND.

  • NO SURPRISE THINGS DID NOT GO SO WELL.

  • LOCAL SENIORS WERE LEFT IN TEARS AFTER FINDING THAT APPOINTMENTS

  • THEY'D MADE WOULDN'T BE HONORED.

  • NOW, THIS MIGHT AFFECT THESE KIDS' CAREER PROSPECTS.

  • ( AS INTERVIEWER ) "I SEE UNDER 'RECENT

  • EXPERIENCE,' IT SAYS 'COMPLETE AND MAKING THE ELDERLY CRY.

  • WELCOME TO FACEBOOK!" THAT WASN'T THE ONLY PROBLEM.

  • WHILE THEY WERE WORKING ON VACCINE SIGN-UPS, THE GROUP

  • SWITCHED TO A FOR-PROFIT MODEL AND ADDED A PRIVACY POLICY,

  • ALLOWING IT TO SELL USERS' PERSONAL DATA.

  • OKAY, BUT THEIR USE IRS ARE ALMOST ALL ELDERLY!

  • WHO'S LOOKING BUY THAT USER DATA, BIG BUTTERSCOTCH?

  • ARMCHAIR NAPS UNLIMITED?

  • THE SHADOWY GLOBAL CARTEL THAT CONTROLS WALK-IN BATHTUBS?

  • I WANT A WALK-IN BATH TUB, THE BY THE WAY.

  • THOSE LOOK AWESOME.

  • YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

  • DEEP ENOUGH TO DROWN IN.

  • NOT ONLY WAS THIS STARTUP A MAJOR DISASTER, THE C.E.O. SUCKS

  • MAJOR, BECAUSE, REPORTEDLY, HE PERSONALLY POCKETED VACCINE

  • DOSES.

  • NOW, WE ALL KNOW THEY NEED TO BE KEPT AT 90 BELOW ZERO.

  • BUT I'M SURE THEY WERE SAFELY TRANSPORTED BETWEEN TWO ICE-COLD

  • NATTY LIGHTS.

  • NOW, FOLKS, WE'VE GOT A NEW PRESIDENT, AND ONE OF HIS

  • BIGGEST JOBS IS CLEANING UP THE LAST ONE'S MESSES.

  • SO YESTERDAY, BIDEN HAD HIS FIRST PHONE CALL WITH RUSSIAN

  • PRESIDENT AND SPELLING BEE MODERATOR WARNING THE

  • CONTESTANTS THAT ALL THE WORDS WILL BE "POLONIUM," VLADIMIR

  • PUTIN.

  • REPORTEDLY, BIDEN TOOK PUTIN TO TASK ON THE KREMLIN'S EFFORT TO

  • INTERFERE IN U.S. ELECTIONS AND REPORTS THAT RUSSIA OFFERED

  • BOUNTIES IN AFGHANISTAN TO KILL AMERICAN SOLDIERS.

  • WOW!

  • THAT-- THAT IS GOOD TO HEAR.

  • I WONDER IF THERE'S A NAME FOR THAT KIND OF CONVERSATION WITH A

  • RUSSIAN LEADER: >> PERFECT PHONE CALL.

  • >> Stephen: THANK YOU, CITIZEN.

  • NOW, BIDEN TALKING TO PUTIN IS HUGE NEWS IN MANY WAYS, THE

  • BIGGEST OF WHICH IS WE KNOW ABOUT IT!

  • THE LAST PRESIDENT HID THE CONTENTS OF EVERY INTERACTION HE

  • HAD WITH PUTIN, AND ONCE SAID "WHAT HAPPENS IN HIS PUTIN

  • MEETINGS WAS 'NONE OF OUR BUSINESS,' HE TOOK POSSESSION OF

  • THE NOTES OF HIS OWN INTERPRETER AND INSTRUCTED THE LINGUIST NOT

  • TO DISCUSS WHAT HAD TRANSPIRED," AND EVEN "DESTROYED THE

  • TRANSLATORS' NOTES AFTERWARDS."

  • NOTHING SUSPICIOUS ABOUT THAT!

  • IT'S JUST LIKE A HUSBAND SAYING, "HONEY, MY CORPORATE RETREAT WAS

  • GREAT AND NOTHING HAPPENED WITH MY ASSISTANT JENNIFER.

  • NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I DEACTIVATE MY INSTAGRAM, CHANGE

  • MY NAME, AND GET A SHOT OF PENICILLIN."

  • JOE BIDEN IS TAKING AMERICAN FOREIGN POLICY BACK TO WHAT I

  • CAN ONLY DESCRIBE AS "AMERICAN" FOREIGN POLICY.

  • AND I'LL TELL YOU MORE IN MY NEW SEGMENT, RETURNING TO...

  • >> NORMS!

  • >> Stephen: NOW, YOU MIGHT BE SAYING: THAT RIGHT THERE,

  • "THAT'S NORM FROM 'CHEERS,' BUT WHO'S THE OTHER GUY?"

  • THAT'S NORM WINER, THE FATHER OF BECCA WINER, ONE OF OUR WRITERS'

  • ASSISTANTS.

  • IT WAS VERY IMPORTANT THAT, FOR "NORMS," ONE OF THE NORMS BE A

  • NORMAL NORM.

  • NOW, IN THEIR CALL-- DID I EXPLAIN THAT?

  • OKAY, GOOD.

  • IN THEIR CALL, BIDEN ALSO TOOK PUTIN TO TASK FOR THE COMPUTER

  • HACK OF OUR GOVERNMENT, AND PUTIN'S TREATMENT OF RUSSIAN

  • OPPOSITION LEADER AND GUY WHO JUST GOT DUMPED AT A TURTLENECK

  • FASHION SHOW, ALEXEI NAVALNY.

  • NAVALNY WAS POISONED, WHICH MANY SUSPECT WAS AN ASSASSINATION

  • ATTEMPT ORDERED BY THE KREMLIN.

  • YES, THEY SUSPECT A GUY FAMOUS FOR KILLING POLITICAL OPPONENTS

  • OF TRYING TO KILL HIS POLITICAL OPPONENT.

  • IT'S PART OF THE NEW RUSSIAN EDITION OF THE CLASSIC BOARD

  • GAME, "CLUE: PUTIN DID IT."

  • HERE'S HOW THEY DID IT.

  • REPORTEDLY, PUTIN'S ASSASSINS PLANTED A LETHAL NERVE AGENT IN

  • NAVALNY'S UNDERPANTS.

  • THEY TRIED TO KILL HIM WITH HIS TIGHTY WHITIES!

  • THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR WEARING "FRUIT OF THE TOMB."

  • NAVALNY RETURNED TO RUSSIA AND WAS MMEDIATELY JAILED, BUT THAT

  • HAS NOT SILENCED HIM.

  • RIGHT AFTER HIS ARREST, NAVALNY DROPPED A VIDEO ENTITLED

  • "PUTIN'S PALACE," TYING PUTIN'S CORRUPTION TO HIS $1.3 BILLION

  • PALACE.

  • NOW, IT SOUNDS BAD FOR A GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL TO HAVE THAT

  • KIND OF CASH, BUT REMEMBER, PUTIN SAVES A LOT OF MONEY ON

  • SHIRTS.

  • THE VIDEO GOT ALMOST 100 MILLION YOUTUBE VIEWS IN THE FIRST WEEK.

  • AND IT SHOWS OVER-THE-TOP FEATURES LIKE THIS SPLENDIFEROUS

  • THEATER WITH SPLIT-LEVEL VELVET BANQUETTE BOX SEATS.

  • THAT WOULD BE A TOUGH ROOM TO PLAY.

  • "HEY, DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT THE PRESIDENT WHO WAS SO GREAT

  • THAT EVERYONE LOVED HIM?

  • THAT'S MY TIME.

  • PLEASE, TIP YOUR WAITER, AND THEN HUNT HIM FOR SPORT IN THE

  • MORNING.

  • IT'S CROSSBOWS."

  • THE COMPOUND ALSO FEATURES AN ELABORATE HOOKAH BAR WITH A

  • STAGE THAT HAS A RISING STRIPPER POLE, A LAVISH CASINO, AN

  • OUTDOOR GREEK AMPHITHEATER, AND THIS GREEN MOUND THAT HOUSES AN

  • UNDERGROUND HOCKEY RINK WITH ITS OWN HELIPADS.

  • BECAUSE YOU CAN'T BE TRAVELING FROM YOUR PRIVATE OUTDOOR GREEK

  • AMPHITHEATER TO YOUR SUBTERRANEAN HOCKEY RINK VIA

  • HOVERCRAFT LIKE SOME ANIMAL.

  • BUT HE IS REALLY "PUTIN" ON THE RITZ IN HIS INSANE PRIVATE

  • APARTMENTS, WITH A MASSIVE FOUR-POSTER CANOPY BED,

  • GOLD-COFFERED CEILINGS, AND TACKY GOLD MOLDINGS AND

  • CHERUB SCULPTURES EVERYWHERE.

  • YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUN?

  • YOU DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE THAT HALFWAY THROUGH THAT, I JUST

  • SWITCHED FROM SHOWING THE DICTATOR'S COMPOUND TO SHOWING

  • OUR OLD PRESIDENT'S APARTMENT.

  • BUT HE LIVED BY THE OLD SAYING: DECORATE FOR THE JOB YOU WANT.

  • SPEAKING OF CORRUPT REGIMES, ONE FORMER ADMINISTRATION OFFICIAL

  • IS REALLY HAVING A TOUGH TIME, BECAUSE WE JUST LEARNED THAT

  • MIKE PENCE IS HOMELESS.

  • OH, THAT CAN'T BE PRETTY.

  • ( AS PENCE, BUSKING ) "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE

  • "F" TRAIN, IT IS SHOWTIME.

  • HIT IT, MOTHER.

  • A-5-6-7-8: OUR FATHER WHO ART IN HEAVEN, PLEASE LET THESE PEOPLE

  • BUY ONE OF OUR CANDY BAR.

  • MOTHER, WORK THE POLE."

  • AND SCENE.

  • THE PROBLEM IS SINCE PENCE HAD FREE GOVERNMENT LODGING FOR THE

  • LAST FOUR YEARS, THE EX-VEEP DOESN'T OWN A HOUSE.

  • SO WHEN THE PENCES MOVED OUT OF THE VICE PRESIDENT'S RESIDENCE,

  • THEY HAD NOWHERE TO GO.

  • THAT'S HOW ALL-IN MIKE PENCE WAS WITH HIS DELUSIONAL BOSS.

  • HE WAS SO DEVOTED TO THE LIE THAT THEY HAD BEATEN BIDEN, THAT

  • HE MADE NO PLANS WHATSOEVER ON WHERE TO LIVE.

  • THAT'S LIKE THE "TITANIC" GETTING RID OF ITS LIFEBOATS TO

  • HAVE MORE HULL SPACE TO PAINT THE WORD "UNSINKABLE!"

  • BUT THEY'RE NOT OUT ON THE STREET.

  • THE PENCES ARE REPORTEDLY COUCH SURFING THEIR WAY THROUGH

  • INDIANA, WHICH IS ALSO THE TITLE OF THE WORST BEACH BOYS ALBUM

  • EVER.

  • WHEN ASKED WHY HE WAS DOING THIS, PENCE HAD A SIMPLE ANSWER:

  • >> I GOT NOWHERE ELSE TO GO!

  • >> Stephen: HE LOOKS REALLY GOOD, LOOKS REALLY GOOD.

  • LETTING A FRIEND CRASH ON YOUR COUCH IS NO BIG DEAL, UNTIL YOU

  • CONSIDER THAT THE PENCES STILL HAVE SECRET SERVICE PROTECTION.

  • "THANKS SO MUCH FOR YOUR HOSPITALITY, STEVE, BUT, SORRY,

  • BEFORE YOU ENTER THE KITCHEN, YOU WILL HAVE TO BE CAVITY

  • SEARCHED."

  • BUT FINDING A PLACE TO STAY SHOULDN'T BE THAT HARD.

  • I CAN THINK OF THOUSANDS OF GUYS WHO WANT TO HANG WITH MIKE

  • PNCE.

  • RIGHT, FELLAS?

  • >> HANG MIKE PENCE!

  • HANG MIKE PENCE!

  • HANG MIKE PENCE!

  • HANG MIKE PENCE!

  • >> Stephen: CLOSE ENOUGH.

  • PENCE ISN'T THE ONLY PRESIDENTIAL LACKEY HAVING A

  • BIT OF A TOUGH TIME.

  • SO IS MYPILLOW FOUNDER, MIKE LINDELL, SEEN HERE

  • INAPPROPRIATELY TOUCHING AN EMPLOYEE.

  • LINDELL HAS SPENT THE PAST FEW MONTHS PEDDLING DEBUNKED

  • CONSPIRACY THEORIES ABOUT VOTER FRAUD, URGING THE LAST

  • ADMINISTRATION TO IMPOSE MARTIAL LAW TO REMAIN IN OFFICE, AND

  • HAVING THE MYPILLOW SITE OFFER DISCOUNT CODES LIKE "QANON."

  • I GUESS LINDELL THOUGHT BETRAYING YOUR COUNTRYWOULD PAY

  • OFF.

  • REMINDS ME OF WHEN BENEDICT ARNOLD SOLD US OUT TO THE

  • BRITISH TO GET 15% OFF A SET OF SHAKE WEIGHTS.

  • LAST WEEK, J.C. PENNEY DROPPED MYPILLOW, ALONG WITH KOHL'S AND

  • BED BATH & BEYOND.

  • AND, YESTERDAY, TWITTER BANNED LINDELL.

  • OH, THAT'S NICE-- NO MORE FASCIST CONSPIRACIES TO

  • DISTRACT YOU FROM THE TOXIC MISOGYNY.

  • BUT WITH MYPILLOW IN TROUBLE, THERE'S AN OPENING IN THE MARKET

  • FOR CONSPIRACY-SPREADING, AS-SEEN-ON-TV PRODUCTS.

  • AND ONE