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  • ♪♪♪ ♪ ( THEME SONG PLAYING )

  • >> Stephen: WELL, HEY THERE, EVERYBODY. WELCOME BACK.

  • FOLKS, THERE ARE A LOT OF URGENT CONCERNS FACING AMERICANS RIGHT

  • NOW.

  • WILL THE PANDEMIC EVER END?

  • WHEN WILL WE GET THE CORONAVIRUS VACCINE?

  • ONCE "THE CROWN" CATCHES UP TO REALITY, WILL MEGHAN MARKLE PLAY

  • HERSELF?

  • I MEAN, SHE'S AN ACTRESS, BUT THEN DO ALL THE ROYALS PLAY

  • THEMSELVES?

  • I AM NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO PRINCE ANDREW'S TAKE ON PRINCE

  • ANDREW.

  • THE PROBLEM WITH SO MANY BIG PROBLEMS IS THAT THERE ARE

  • SMALLER PROBLEMS THAT ARE STILL BIG PROBLEMS, BUT WE MIGHT MISS

  • THEM BECAUSE OF THE EVEN LARGER PROBLEMS, WHICH IS A BIG

  • PROBLEM.

  • WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY NEW UNFORTUNATE SEGMENT: "UH-OH!"

  • TONIGHT'S UH-OH: WHILE YOU'RE WORRYING ABOUT THE PLANET-WIDE

  • COVID CRISIS, DON'T FORGET TO WORRY ABOUT A POSSIBLE DRINKING

  • WATER CRISIS, BECAUSE IT WAS RECENTLY ANNOUNCED THAT

  • INVESTORS CAN NOW TRADE WATER FUTURES.

  • UH-OH.

  • I DON'T TOTALLY UNDERSTAND THAT SENTENCE, BUT IT SOUNDS LIKE A

  • HEADLINE IN A NEWSREEL AT THE BEGINNING OF "MAD MAX" BEFORE

  • YOU SMASH CUT TO ONE-ARMED CHARLIZE THERON DRIVING A TRUCK

  • FULL OF WARRIOR-CONCUBINES THROUGH THE DESERT.

  • HERE'S WHAT'S HAPPENING: RECENTLY, FUTURES TIED TO THE

  • CALIFORNIA WATER INDEX BEGAN TRADING ON THE CHICAGO

  • MERCANTILE EXCHANGE.

  • MEANING THAT, FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, WATER WILL BE A COMMODITY,

  • LIKE GOLD OR OIL.

  • UH-OH!

  • THAT'S NOT A GOOD SIGN.

  • THOSE ARE TWO THINGS THAT WE FAMOUSLY HAVE A FINITE AMOUNT

  • OF.

  • THAT'S WHY THEY'RE VALUABLE.

  • THERE'S A REASON WEDDING RINGS ARE MADE OF GOLD AND NOT BOTTLES

  • OF POLAND SPRING.

  • OH, MY GOD, YOU GUYS!

  • HE WENT TO 7-ELEVEN!

  • THIS SOUNDS TROUBLING, BECAUSE THE BIG DIFFERENCE BETWEEN

  • WATER AND... COMMODITIES IS THAT WE NEED WATER TO SURVIVE.

  • WHICH BRINGS US TO OUR NEW UH-OH SUBSEGMENT: "YIKES!"

  • NOW THAT WATER IS A COMMODITY AND CAN BE TRADED ON THE FUTURES

  • MARKET, IT COULD INVITE SPECULATION FROM FINANCIAL

  • PLAYERS, INCLUDING HEDGE FUNDS.

  • YIKES!

  • "HEDGE FUND SPECULATION" IS NEVER A GOOD THING.

  • JUST ASK ANYONE WHO HAD A SUBPRIME MORTGAGE IN THE EARLY

  • 2000'S.

  • THEIR HOME LOAN IS CURRENTLY UNDER WATER, WHICH THEY'RE GOING

  • TO WANT TO START HOARDING 'CAUSE IT'S A HOT NEW COMMODITY!

  • THESE WATER FUTURES FOCUS SPECIFICALLY ON CALIFORNIA,

  • WHICH BRINGS US TO OUR UH-OH YIKES SUB-SUBSEGMENT: "GULP!"

  • A LOOK HOW MANY BONES I HAVE.

  • CAN I SEE THAT AGAIN, JIM?

  • LOOK AT THAT!

  • THAT'S "THE LATE SHOW" PROMISE, UNLIMITED BONES!

  • THIS IMPACTS THE WHOLE NATION BECAUSE CALIFORNIA HAS A HUGE

  • AGRICULTURAL SECTOR, AND RECENTLY HAS MOVED TO POPULAR

  • HIGH-VALUE PERMANENT CROPS LIKE ALMONDS AND PISTACHIOS, WHICH

  • REQUIRE A LOT OF WATER FOR UPKEEP.

  • AND I HAWKED PISTACHIOS!

  • AM I PART OF THE PROBLEM?

  • I'M SORRY!

  • NOT FOR PROMOTING PISTACHIOS, THEY'RE A DELICIOUS SOURCE OF

  • PROTEIN, BUT FOR GIVING YOU THE NIGHTMARE FUEL THAT IS MY HEAD

  • AS A NUT.

  • BUT THE BIGGER ISSUE IS THAT CALIFORNIA HAS JUST HAD SEVERAL

  • YEARS IN A ROW OF HISTORIC WILDFIRES AND IS EMERGING FROM

  • AN EIGHT-YEAR DROUGHT.

  • GULP!

  • SO, WALL STREET IS NOW BETTING ON A RESOURCE THAT CALIFORNIA

  • DESPERATELY NEEDS TO SURVIVE AND CURRENTLY HAS A SHORTAGE OF.

  • THAT'S LIKE A LIFEGUARD GOING, "THE BAD NEWS IS YOUR HUSBAND IS

  • DROWNING!

  • THE GOOD NEWS IS, IN THE NEXT TWO MINUTES, THE VALUE OF MY

  • LIFE PRESERVER FRANCHISE IS GOING TO SKYROCKET!

  • WANT TO GET IN ON THE GROUND FLOOR?"

  • NOW, WE DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN WITH

  • TRADING WATER ON WALL STREET, BY WHICH I MEAN WE KNOW EXACTLY

  • WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.

  • ACCORDING TO A CLIMATE JUSTICE EXPERT, "AS CLEAN, USEABLE WATER

  • IS BECOMING SCARCER, THE INCENTIVES IN CAPITALISM WORK TO

  • COMMODIFY IT, AND WORK TO ENSURE THAT THE SCARCITY IS AN

  • OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE MONEY."

  • ADDING, "IT'S THE WAY IN WHICH CAPITALISM MAKES PROFITS FROM

  • HUMAN MISERY."

  • OF COURSE, COMMODITIES TRADERS NEVER GO ALL IN ON HUMAN MISERY.

  • THEY DIVERSIFY INTO GENERATIONAL SUFFERING, DESPAIR, ENNUI AND

  • OF COURSE, BITCOIN.

  • IN OTHER WORDS: UH-OH.

  • WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH SERENA WILLIAMS.

  • ( THEME SONG PLAYING ) IN

♪♪♪ ♪ ( THEME SONG PLAYING )

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B1 TheLateShow water commodity california yikes gulp

Uh-Oh, Water Is Now A Commodity - Stephen Colbert's Most Unfortunate Segment

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    林宜悉 posted on 2021/01/26
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