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  • -Hey, guys, it is Friday, and that's usually when

  • I take care of some business.

  • You know, I get some things done.

  • But the day just completely got away from me.

  • I spent all day watching YouTube videos of

  • people eating ghost peppers.

  • And I completely forgot to write out my weekly thank-you notes.

  • And I know it's during the show, but do you guys mind if

  • I write out some thank-you notes right now?

  • Is that okay? [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Appreciate it.

  • James, can you help me out when you can?

  • [ Soft music playing ]

  • Thank you, Joe Biden and Kamala Harris,

  • for making us all feel like mom and dad just got home

  • after having the worst babysitter ever.

  • "You wouldn't believe what happened."

  • [ Soft music playing ]

  • Thank you, Hot Pockets recalling 760,000 pounds of product

  • due to broken glass in it, for being the first time

  • anyone has ever cared what's in a Hot Pocket.

  • Sausage Meat Lover -- Whatever. Just microwave it.

  • It tastes good.

  • [ Soft music playing ]

  • Thank you, playoff game between Tampa Bay and Green Bay.

  • Regardless of who wins, at least I can still say...

  • Oh, yeah. [ Soft music playing ]

  • Thank you, vending machines with COVID home tests,

  • for being the only time a vending-machine purchase

  • has positively affected my health.

  • Mm...

  • We did another one about the COVID vending machines.

  • This was a good -- It was a good subject.

  • No, I mean I'm about to write it,

  • my thank-you note, again, yeah.

  • -Oh, okay. Just came to you.

  • -Same address. -Yeah.

  • [ Soft music playing ]

  • -Thank you, vending machines with COVID home tests,

  • for explaining why I just saw someone

  • trying to stick a Twix bar up their nose.

  • Come on. Come on.

  • Do I have tissues here? I do.

  • Ah-ah-choo!

  • [ Laughs ]

  • [ Breathes deeply, sneezes ]

  • [ Breathes deeply, sneezes ]

  • Whew!

  • It always comes in fours.

  • [ Breathes deeply, sneezes ]

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -What the heck is your problem?

  • [ Laughter ] -Yeah.

  • -My jeans came with no pockets.

  • [ Breathes deeply, sneezes ]

  • [ Laughs ]

  • -What is going on?

  • -[ Laughing ] Here we go.

  • Alright.

  • [ Soft music playing ]

  • Thank you, transition lenses, for letting me feel like

  • I have a superpower where I transform into

  • a European deejay.

  • [ Soft music playing ]

  • Thank you, Dr. Scholl's foot machines at drugstores,

  • for being the "Dance Dance Revolution"

  • for 60-year-olds with bunions.

  • [ Beat-boxing ] ♪♪

  • [ Soft music playing ]

  • Thank you, avocado pits, for showing me how

  • Skee-Balls are born.

  • There you go, everybody. Those are our "Thank You Notes."

-Hey, guys, it is Friday, and that's usually when

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Thank You Notes: President Biden and Vice President Harris, Recalled Hot Pockets

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    林宜悉 posted on 2021/01/23
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