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  • -Welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody!

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Ah, thank you very much.

  • Good to see you guys.

  • Well, guys, today was

  • President Biden's first full day in office.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • That's big -- That's big news right there.

  • Our president spent a full day in the office.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Yeah, it was Biden's first full day.

  • I'm sure part of him was like, "Just to mess with everyone,

  • I should go golfing."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Biden's barely in the job, and there's already so much to do --

  • getting control of the pandemic, boosting the economy,

  • thawing out Tom Hanks.

  • There's just a lot of things --

  • [ Laughter ]

  • He couldn't have went with a coat?

  • It's like you have a coat and gloves or suit and gloves.

  • "I'll do suit and gloves, yeah."

  • Yeah, Biden has got a lot on his plate.

  • He's got to build a national vaccine program,

  • pass a stimulus, tackle climate change.

  • When asked what should be first he was like, "Legal weed. Now.

  • Now."

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Yep, Biden has so much on his plate,

  • but that didn't stop him from getting to know his staff.

  • This morning, he went around the room

  • and had everyone say their name

  • and what Dumpster fire they're currently trying to put out.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That's right, Biden is trying

  • to create a positive work environment,

  • and he even gave a very stern warning to his incoming team.

  • Watch this. -If you ever work with me,

  • and I hear you treat another colleague with disrespect,

  • talk down to someone, I promise you I will fire you on the spot.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • -Wow.

  • Although it undercut the message when Biden was like,

  • "You got that, morons?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Don't make me go Tom Cruise on your ass."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • But the big story today

  • was that Biden used his first full day in office

  • to tackle the pandemic.

  • Yep, Biden released a plan called the National Strategy

  • for the COVID-19 Response and Pandemic Preparedness.

  • Really rolls off the tongue.

  • As part of Biden's new COVID strategy,

  • he's launching the 100 days Masking Challenge.

  • Biden's smart. He knows that he can get Americans to do anything

  • if he makes it sound like a TikTok challenge.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yep, Biden seems pretty excited about his new plan.

  • Here he is today showing it off at the White House. Watch this.

  • -Our national strategy is comprehensive.

  • It's based on science, not politics.

  • You can review this entire plan,

  • this entire plan, by going to whitehouse.gov.

  • It is so detailed, it is over 100--

  • It's 198 pages.

  • -Americans heard that like, "198 pages?

  • Alright, we'll wear the mask! We'll wear the mask! Alright.

  • Gosh."

  • That might look boring to you,

  • but for Dr. Fauci, that's "50 Shades of Gray."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Drums playing ]

  • He's like, "Wha-Wha-What?

  • Whoa! Spicy."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • 198 pages sounds like a lot,

  • but it's only 1/10 of the size of Biden's family Bible.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • But this is interesting.

  • Biden's team said that they aren't using any part

  • of the Trump administration's vaccine distribution plan.

  • And there's a simple reason for that.

  • -The Biden administration tells CNN

  • that the Trump team left them no plan

  • for distributing the coronavirus vaccine.

  • So on Day 1 of his presidency,

  • Joe Biden will have to start from scratch.

  • -Yeah.

  • I mean, honestly, what did they expect?

  • It's like walking into your house

  • and being mad that your dog didn't do your taxes.

  • "Rusty!"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "I left Quicken open and everything on the --

  • You could have --"

  • Yeah, Biden is extremely busy,

  • but his staff has already managed

  • to redecorate the Oval Office for him.

  • He got a new rug. He's got new curtains,

  • even added a massive portrait of FDR above the fireplace.

  • Yeah, Biden made a lot of changes.

  • He even replaced the photo of Andrew Jackson with this.

  • [ Laughter, applause ]

  • ♪♪

  • Beautiful.

  • And this is cool.

  • In a nod to his love of science,

  • Biden hung a painting of Benjamin Franklin.

  • And in a nod to his love of ice cream,

  • he hung a painting of Ben and Jerry.

  • Can we see the photo of the painting of Ben and Jerry?

  • Yeah.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Applause ]

  • But Biden is still getting used to his new office.

  • Earlier he got a surprise when he pressed a button on the desk

  • and a Big Mac shot out of a drawer

  • and knocked him unconscious.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Not only did Biden take over an office, he also took over

  • the official @POTUS Twitter account yesterday.

  • Check out --

  • [ Applause ]

  • Check out his first official tweet as president.

  • It says...

  • It has all complete sentences.

  • ♪♪

  • No typos.

  • No caps lock.

  • It's so refreshing!

  • ♪♪

  • Can we --

  • Can we see another Biden tweet?

  • It's simple.

  • ♪♪

  • No exclamation point.

  • And it wasn't tweeted at 3:00 in the morning.

  • It feels so good! I can't --

  • C-Can we see one more tweet?

  • It's so...normal!

  • ♪♪

  • ♪♪

  • ♪♪

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • -1, 2. [ Music restarts ]

  • -No. Oh, my goodness.

  • ♪♪

  • Thank you.

  • ♪♪

  • Alright. Oh, my God. Please.

  • Thank you very much. I'm very --

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I'm picking up his heavy breathing on my microphone.

  • -Sorry.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -This is exciting, uh --

  • He's getting CPR right now.

  • Some sports news today --

  • The Detroit Lions held an introductory press conference

  • for their new head coach, Dan Campbell,

  • and he seems pretty fired up to be there,

  • maybe a little too fired up. Watch this.

  • -This team's going to be built on --

  • We're going to kick you in the teeth.

  • We're going to get up, and on the way up,

  • we're going to bite a kneecap off, alright?

  • And then it's going to take two more shots to knock us down.

  • Alright? And on the way up,

  • we're going to take your other kneecap,

  • and then it's going to take three shots to get us down.

  • And when we do, we're going to take another hunk out of you.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -In hindsight, maybe eating bath salts

  • before his press conference was ill-advised.

  • Can you imagine sitting next to that guy on a plane?

  • It's like, "So, what brings you to Detroit?"

  • "I'm going to rip someone's face off...

  • [ Laughter ]

  • ...and put it back on their head

  • and have them watch me as I go down.

  • On the way up, bite another chunk of their kneecap."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Listen to this. I read about a woman

  • who spent several days in a jail in Canada,

  • and she did probably the most Canadian thing you could do.

  • Listen to this.

  • -A jail in Vancouver Island is getting rave reviews

  • after a woman stayed several nights there.

  • After being released,

  • she sent this card to the police department.

  • The woman wrote, "I was nervous about staying with you guys

  • during my trip to the island but wanted to let you know

  • I appreciated how helpful and kind everyone was."

  • She finished the note offering 4 1/2 stars.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Keep in mind, a Canadian jail

  • is basically just a Courtyard Marriott.

  • I guess the review worked

  • 'cause "Travel and Leisure" added the jail

  • to its annual list of top 50 detainment hot spots.

  • That's an honor.

  • Some entertainment news. It's just been confirmed

  • that Bachelorette Clare Crawley and Dale Moss have broken up

  • after a five-month engagement.

  • Yep. It only lasted five months.

  • But in "Bachelor" time, that's 30 years,

  • so congrats on a great run.

  • [ Applause ]

  • They couldn't believe it.

  • They were like, "We did everything right.

  • We met on a TV show. We got engaged after three dates

  • and made out with 20 other people along the way.

  • We --

  • Wha..."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And finally, this is exciting.

  • I saw that all five seasons of "The Muppet Show"

  • are coming to Disney+ next month.

  • But it seems like they've updated some of the music

  • to connect with a younger audience, I think.

  • Take a look at this.

  • ♪♪

  • [ Cardi B feat. Megan Thee Stallion's "WAP" playing ]

  • -[ Rapping ] ♪ Back of my [bleep] my talk game is fire

  • Punani Dasani, it's going in dry and it's coming out soggy

  • -♪ Your honor, I'm a freak bitch, handcuffs, leashes

  • Switch my wig, make him feel like he cheating, ha

  • -We have a great show!

  • Give it up for The Roots, everybody!

  • ♪♪

  • ♪♪

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • What a show we have for you tonight.

  • He is an analyst on TNT's "Inside the NBA."

  • Shaquille O'Neal is here.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Plus, she stars in the new movie "Promising Young Woman."

  • Alison Brie is here.

  • And we got great music from Pa Salieu!

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Hey, everybody, our -- our buddy Pete Buttigieg,

  • who's been on the show a bunch of times,

  • had his Senate confirmation hearing today

  • to be Transportation Secretary.

  • And one of the Senators, Roger Wicker from Mississippi,

  • asked him a pretty interesting question. Take a look at this.

  • -You were on "The Tonight Show" last night with Jimmy Fallon.

  • -Yes, sir.

  • -In terms of -- of a thrilling experience,

  • how does being before this committee today

  • compare to those? -I would characterize this

  • as a unique experience, Chairman.

  • -[ Chuckling ] Alright.

  • Very well said.

  • -Yeah! Confirm that man!

  • [ Cheers and applause ]