WELCOME TO A SPECIAL LIVE "LATE SHOW."

I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

WELL, YOU DID IT.

YOU SURVIVED THE LAST FOUR YEARS AND YOUR REWARD: A SHINY,

NEW, OLD PRESIDENT.

GOOD OL' JOE, BECAUSE TODAY AT 11:49 A.M., JOSEPH ROBINETTE

BIDEN JR. WAS SWORN IN AS THE 46th PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED

STATES.

WE WATCHED IT.

EVIE'S HERE.

WE WATCHED IT TOGETHER.

THE INAUGURATION WAS A JOYFUL OCCASION.

LIKE I DO AT MOST HAPPY THINGS, I CRIED A LOT.

IT'S TRUE.

IT WAS EXTREMELY EMOTIONAL AND NOT ENTIRELY IN THE WAY THAT I

EXPECTED.

BECAUSE I HAVE TO TELL YOU, I HAVE ZERO GLOAT IN ME.

THERE'S NO ENDZONE DANCE IN ME.

WHAT I FEEL IS ENORMOUS RELIEF.

WATCHING THE INAUGURATION TODAY, I RECOGNIZED JUST HOW

WORRIED I'VE BEEN FOR MY COUNTRY.

BUT WE'VE ALL BEEN TOO DEEP FOR THE LAST FOUR YEARS TO TRULY

REALIZE WHAT WE WERE DEEPLY IN.

IT'S LIKE WE'VE BEEN ON A SHIP THAT'S BEEN IN A STORM FOR FOUR

YEARS, AND WE JUST STEPPED ON TO DRY LAND.

I WANT TO KISS THE GROUND, BUT, YOU KNOW, COVID, SO I'M JUST

GOING TO FIST BUMP IT.

TODAY FELT LIKE A RETURN TO NORMALCY, EVEN THOUGH SO MUCH

ABOUT THE DAY WAS ABNORMAL.

DUE TO THE PANDEMIC, EVERYONE WAS WEARING MASKS, AND INSTEAD

OF PEOPLE THE MALL WAS FILLED WITH FLAGS.

LOOK AT THEM WAVING!

THEY'RE SO HAPPY!

I CAN'T BLAME THEM.

REMEMBER, IT'S BEEN A TOUGH FOUR YEARS FOR FLAGS, TOO.

BUT EVEN THOUGH IT WAS ABNORMAL, AT LEAST WE UNDERSTOOD WHY IT

WAS ABNORMAL.

ONE YEAR AGO TODAY, THE FIRST U.S. PATIENT WAS HOSPITALIZED

FOR COVID.

AND AFTER 12 MONTHS OF DENIAL AND SELF-DELUSION ABOUT THIS

PANDEMIC, WE'RE FINALLY ACCEPTING REALITY AND TAKING

PRECAUTIONS.

SO MANY TIMES DURING THE LAST FOUR YEARS, WE WERE ALL LIKE,

"WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING, AND WHY IS IT HAPPENING?"

AND THEY WOULDN'T TELL US.

AND THEY WOULDN'T TELL US THE REAL REASONS, BECAUSE EVERYTHING

WAS A SALES JOB.

AND THE WEIRDEST FEELING IS WHEN SOMETHING IS CLEARLY ABNORMAL

AND SOMEONE TRIES TO TELL YOU IT'S NOT.

WHAT WE SAW TODAY WAS THE OPPOSITE OF BEING GASLIT.

TODAY, WE WERE REALITY-BOARDED, AND I AM HERE FOR IT.

PERHAPS THE MOST POTENT SYMBOLISM FOR THIS INAUGURATION,

WAS THE GUY WHO HAD TO DISINFECT THE PODIUM AFTER EVER SPEAKER.

HIS WHOLE GIG WAS WIPING AWAY A DISEASE, MUCH LIKE THE VOTERS

DID.

RIGHT BEFORE THE BIDENS CAME OUT, SOMETHING VERY AUSPICIOUS

HAPPENED: IT STARTED SNOWING!

IT'S AN INAUGURATION MIRACLE!

(SINGING TO THE TUNE OF "LET IT SNOW" )

♪ OH, THE LAST GUY IN CHARGE WAS FRIGHTFUL,

♪ BUT THE NEW ONE SEEMS DELIGHTFUL

♪ AND "NOW" THERE'S FOUR YEARS TO GO

♪ PRESIDENT JOE!

PRESIDENT JOE!

PRESIDENT JOE! ♪ IN A SHOW OF NATIONAL UNITY, ALL

THE FORMER PRESIDENTS PAID THEIR RESPECTS.

JIMMY CARTER SENT A MESSAGE, THE BUSHES WERE THERE.

THE CLINTONS WERE THERE.

THE OBAMAS WERE THERE.

AND THAT'S ALL THE FORMER PRESIDENTS.

( LAUGHTER ) THEN CAME THE WORDS WE'VE BEEN

WAITING TO HEAR: >> PLEASE WELCOME, LADY GAGA!

>> Stephen: NO.

I MEAN YES.

I MEAN, YES, THAT WAS EXCITING, DON'T GET ME WRONG, BUT NOT THAT

ONE.

UH, SORRY.

JIM?

>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE PRESIDENT-ELECT OF THE UNITED

STATES, JOSEPH ROBINETTE BIDEN JR. AND DR JILL BIDEN.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).

♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: ISN'T THAT LOVELY?

A PRESIDENTIAL COUPLE HOLDING HANDS IN A WAY THAT DOESN'T LOOK

CONTRACTUALLY MANDATED.

WHEN IT WAS TIME FOR THE NATIONAL ANTHEM, THAT'S WHEN

LADY GAGA DID ARRIVE, AS ONLY GAGA CAN-- NOT ON THE RED

CARPET, BUT IN A RED CARPET.

DARING COUTURE FROM THE SPRING 2021 STAINMASTER LINE.

( LAUGHTER ) GAGA SANG THE NATIONAL ANTHEM

BEAUTIFULLY, AND I WAS ESPECIALLY MOVED BY THIS MOMENT.

♪ OUR FLAG WAS STILL THERE ♪ >> Stephen: AND, SURPRISE!

THE FLAG WAS STILL THERE!

RARELY IS THAT SONG A CLIFFHANGER, BUT JUST TWO■ç

WEEKS AGO, IN THAT SPOT, IT WAS IN DANGER OF BEING REPLACED BY A

RAMBO PHOTOSHOP.

FUN FACT: AFTER THE INAUGURATION, LADY GAGA DIDN'T

GET IN A LIMO.

THAT BIRD ON HER DRESS JUST CARRIED HER HOME.

THEN JOSEPH R. BIDEN TOOK THE OATH OF OFFICE WITH■ç HIS

HAND ON WHAT APPEARED TO BE THE BIBLE: DIRECTOR'S CUT EXTENDED

EDITION.

WHEN THE NEW PRESIDENT ADDRESSED THE NATION FOR THE FIRST TIME,

HE HAD A CLEAR MESSAGE FOR THE CAPITOL INSURRECTIONISTS:

>> HERE WE STAND, JUST DAYS AFTER A RIOTOUS MOB THOUGHT THEY

COULD USE VIOLENCE TO SILENCE THE WILL OF THE PEOPLE, TO STOP

THE WORK OF OUR DEMOCRACY, TO DRIVE US FROM THIS SACRED

GROUND.

IT DID NOT HAPPEN.

IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN.

NOT TODAY, NOT TOMORROW, NOT EVER.

NOT EVER.

( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: STIRRING WORDS THAT

I HOPE THE RIOTERS HEAR.

ON THE TV IN THE PRISON DAY ROOM.

THE NEW PRESIDENT WENT ON: >> THIS IS A GREAT NATION.

WE ARE GOOD PEOPLE.

>> Stephen: IT'S SO STRANGE TO HEAR SOMEBODY SAY THAT WE'RE A

GREAT NATION, WITHOUT THEN HEARING ABOUT WHICH OF US ARE

RADICAL SOCIALIST ANTIFAS INTENT ON DESTROYING OUR

HERITAGE WITH LOW-FLOW TOILET FLUSHES.

THE THEME OF THE DAY WAS "AMERICA UNITED," SO

PRESIDENT BIDEN CALLED ON THE NATION TO STEP BACK FROM TOXIC

PARTISANSHIP.

>> WE CAN JOIN FORCES, STOP THE SHOUTING AND LOWER THE

TEMPERATURE.

>> Stephen: AND THEN SOMEONE RAISES THE TEMPERATURE, AND I'M

LIKE "WHO TOUCHED THE THERMOSTAT?

YOU KNOW THE RULES AT POP'S HOUSE."

AND EVERYONE IS LIKE "WASN'T ME."

AND I'M LIKE, "WELL I'M PUTTING IT BACK TO 68.

WE'RE NOT HEATING THE WHOLE DAMN NEIGHBORHOOD HERE."

"JILL GET ME THE CELLO TAPE.

I'M TAPING THIS SUCKER DOWN!" THEN BIDEN ISSUED A STIRRING

CALL FOR THE NATION TO COME TOGETHER:

>> THIS IS OUR HISTORIC MOMENT OF CRISIS AND CHALLENGE AND

UNITY IS THE PATH FORWARD.

AND WE MUST MEET THIS MOMENT AS THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

IF WE DO THAT, I GUARANTEE YOU WE WILL NOT FAIL.

WE HAVE NEVER EVER, EVER, EVER, FAILED IN AMERICA WHEN WE HAVE

ACTED TOGETHER.

>> Stephen: SOMEONE CLEARLY NEVER SAW THE "CATS" MOVIE.

( LAUGHTER ) PRESIDENT BIDEN QUOTED SAINT

AUGUSTINE AND SAID A COUNTRY CAN BE JUDGED ON WHAT THEY LOVE AND

THEN ASKED THIS IMPORTANT QUESTION:

>> WHAT ARE THE COMMON OBJECTS WE AS AMERICANS LOVE?

>> Stephen: UH, MELTED CHEESE?

SAUCY NETFLIX DRAMAS?

VIDEOS OF CATS KNOCKING STUFF OFF DESKS?

THAT FEELING WHEN YOU FIND $20 IN THE POCKET OF A JACKET YOU

HAVEN'T WORN SINCE LAST YEAR?

MEGHAN THE STALLION?

JALAPENO POPPERS?

JALAPENO POPPERS!

AT 78 BIDEN BECAME THE OLDEST PRESIDENT EVER TOIC TATHE OATH

OF OFFICE.

NOT THAT HE WAS COMPLAINING, BUT THERE'S A LOT OF WORK TO DO.

>> FOLKS, THIS IS A TIME OF TESTING.

WE FACE AN ATTACK ON DEMOCRACY AND ON TRUTH, A RAGING VIRUS,

GROWING INEQUITY, THE STING OF SYSTEMIC RACISM, A CLIMATE IN

CRISIS.

>> Stephen: THAT'S A HELL OF A LIST.

HE SHOULD PROBABLY PUT THOSE ON THE WHITE HOUSE CHORE WHEEL.

"ALL RIGHT, IT'S WEDNESDAY!

MAYOR PETE, YOUR TURN TO TAKE OUT THE RECYCLING AND END

SYSSYSSYSTEMIC RACISM OR NOW ALLOWANCE, MISTER.

WHO TOUCHED THE THERMOSTAT?

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHAT, ARE THE SQUIRRELS PAYING THE BILLS NOW?"

( LAUGHTER ) IN ONE PARTICULARLY MOVING

MOMENT, BIDEN QUOTED LINCOLN WHEN HE SIGNED THE EMANCIPATION

PROCLAMATION.

>> IF MY NAME EVER GOES DOWN INTO HISTORY, IT WILL BE FOR

THIS ACT, AND MY WHOLE SOUL IS IN IT.

MY WHOLE SOUL IS IN IT.

TODAY, ON THIS JANUARY DAY, MY WHOLE SOUL IS IN THIS.

>> Stephen: IT'S SO NICE TO HAVE A PRESIDENT WITH A SOUL

AGAIN.

THE PREFTS ONE SOLD HIS TO THE DEVIL AND DIDN'T EVEN GET

GEORGIA OUT OF THE DEAL.

AS STIRRING AS BIDEN'S SPEECH WAS, IT WASN'T AS HISTORIC AS

HIS OPENING ACT, BECAUSE TODAY FOR THE FIRST TIME IN OUR

244-YEAR HISTORY, THE UNITED STATES HAS A FEMALE VICE

PRESIDENT.

IT'S A MOMENT THAT FUTURE GENERATIONS WILL LOOK BACK ON

AND SAY, "WOW, THAT TOOK A LONG TIME."

NOT ONLY I HARRIS OUR FIRST FEMALE VICE PRESIDENT.

SHE'S OUR FIRST BLACK VICE PRESIDENT, OUR FIRST SOUTH

ASIAN-AMERICAN VICE PRESIDENT, AND THE FIRST VICE PRESIDENT IN

FOUR YEARS WHO DOESN'T THINK YOGURT IS TOO SPICY.

IT WAS MOVING TO WATCH VICE PRESIDENT HARRIS BEING SWORN IN

BY SUPREME COURT JUSTICE SOTOMAYOR.

AND IT GOT A VERY EXCITED REACTION FROM JOE BIDEN.

>> THAT I WILL WELL AND FAITHFULLY DISCHARGE.

>> THE DUTIES OF THE OFFICE ON WHICH I AM■ç ABOUT TO ENTER.

>> THE DUTYIES OF THE OFFICE UPON WHICH I AM ABOUT TO ENTER.

>> SO HELP ME GOD.

>> SO HELP ME GOD.

>> ALL RIGHT!

>> Stephen: "ALL RIGHT!" THAT'S REFRESHING.

IN JUST TWO SHORT WEEKS THAT DAIS HAS GONE FROM ALT-RIGHT TO

ALL RIGHT!

VICE PRESIDENT HARRIS' SWEARING IN WAS FOLLOWED BY A PERFORMANCE

OF "AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL" BY J-LO, WHO INCLUDED A SHOUT-OUT

IN SPANISH ( SPEAKING SPANISH )

>> Stephen: HECK, YEAH!

MOVEOSE GRACIAS, MISS LO.

DON'T BE FOOLED BY THE SHADES THAT ARE ROCK.

DIDN'T THINK THAT JACK WAS COMING, DID YOU, JACK.

THERE'S ALWAYS ONE MORE JACK THAN YOU THINK, JACK.

JACK.

( LAUGHTER ) THEN, SENATOR ABEY KLOBUCHAR

LIGHTENED THINGS UP A BIT.

>> THIS IS THE FIRST INAUGURATION IN THE HISTORY OF

AMERICA WHERE J-LO WAS THE WARM-UP ACT FOR CHIEF JUSTICE

ROBERTS.

>> Stephen: MAYBE, BUT NOT THE LAST.

I'M HOPING FOR THE 2022 SUPER BOWL HALF TIME SHOW.

THE INTERNET WENT ABSOLUTELY ABECAUSE FOR THIS PICTURE OF

SENATOR BERNIE STANDERS.

THE VERMONT IS STRONG WITH THIS ONE, IN A PARKA AND GIANT WOOLEN

MITTENS.

BUT NOTICE THE ONE PART OF HIS BODY THAT IS NOT COVERED.

BERNIE, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!

DON'T YOU KNOW THAT 99% OF YOUR BODY HEAT ESCAPES OUT OF THE TOP

1%?

THERE WERE A LOT OF HIGHLIGHTS DURING THE CEREMONY, BUT A REAL

STANDOUT WAS INAUGURAL POET, 22-YEAR-OLD AMANDA GORMAN.

>> IF WE'RE TO LIVE UP TO OUR OWN TIME, THEN VICTORY WON'T LIE

IN THE BLADE BUT IN ALL THE BRIDGES WE'VE MADE.

THAT IS THE PROMISE TO GLADE THE HILL WE CLIMB.

>> Stephen: BEAUTIFUL, STIRRING WORDS.

AND A NICE CHANGE FROM THE LAST ADMINISTRATION.

THE CLOSEST THEY CAME TO POETRY WAS, "I, "HIKU.

THE YOUNG POET LAUREATE SUMMED UP THE CHALLENGES FACING OUR

COUNTRY.

>> BEING AMERICAN IS MORE THAN A PRIDE WE INHERIT.

IT'S THE PAST WE STEP INTO AND HOW WE REPAIR IT.

>> Stephen: YES, HOW DO YOU REPAIR THE PAST?

HAVE WE TRIED UNPLUGGING THE PAST AND PLUGGING IT BACK IN

AGAIN?

BECAUSE THAT WORKS ON EVERYTHING ELSE.

BUT HOWEVER WE FIX THIS COUNTRY, IT'S NOT THE NEW

ADMINISTRATION'S WORK ALONE.

IT IS UP TO ALL OF US, AS IT ALWAYS IS.

IN WHATEVER WAY WE CAN.

AND PRESIDENT BIDEN, VICE PRESIDENT HARRIS, YOU HAVE OUR

PRAYERS, OUR BEST WISHES, AND OUR EVERY CONFIDENCE.

WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

MY GUEST ARE JON LOVETT, JON FAVREAU, AND TONY VIETOR, FROM

"POD SAVE AMERICA."

BUT WHEN WE RETURN, THE PRESIDENT'S FIRST DAY AT WORK.