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  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

  • EVERYBODY.

  • LET'S SAY HELLO TO OUR HAPPY FRIEND, MR. JON BATISTE.

  • JON, YOU LOOK VERY, VERY HAPPY RIGHT NOW.

  • WHAT'S GOING ON?

  • ( SCATTING ) ♪ T IN THIS WORLD WITH A LOT OF

  • PROBLEMMEDOH, MY GOODNESS, I'VE GOT A SONG

  • IN HIGH HEART RIGHT NOW.

  • I'VE GOT A SONG IN MY HEART.

  • >> Stephen: I WAS REALLY MOVED.

  • I WAS REALLY MOVED TO SEE THE BIDENS LAND AT ANDREWS.

  • LIKE, IT'S REAL, IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN, MAN YOU.

  • >> Jon: YOU KNOW IT'S HAPPENING BECAUSE WE PUT IN THE

  • WORK TO MAKE IT HAPPEN.

  • >> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.

  • >> Jon: AND IF WE KEEP PUTTING IN THE WORK, IT WILL CONTINUE TO

  • GET BETTER.

  • AD THAT'S WHAT I'M BELIEVING.

  • I'M STANDING ON THAT.

  • >> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT I APPRECIATE?

  • THE MEMORIAL CEREMONY THAT HE AND FUTURE FIRST LADY HELD TODAY

  • AT THE REFLECTING POOL AT THE LINCOLN MEMORIAL TODAY FOR THOSE

  • WHO WERE LOST TO COVID.

  • IT'S A SIMPLE, BEAUTIFUL GESTURE THAT IS THE FIRST STAGE OF THE

  • NATION HEALING.

  • >> Jon: EXACTLY.

  • TO SHOW ACKNOWLEDGMENT AND WRENCHANCE TOWARDS EVERYTHING

  • THAT'S HAPPENED AND NOT JUST SKIP OVER IT.

  • I THINK WE HAVE A LOT OF HEALING TO DO, BUT THAT'S THE MOST

  • IMPORTANT STEP AFTER WHAT WE HAD IN 2021.

  • >> Stephen: JON CAN YOU GIVE US A LITTLE MORE OF THAT HAPPY

  • FEEL AS WE GO ONIN THIS WORLD

  • WITH A LOT OF PROBLEMSALL WE NEED IS A LITTLE LOVING

  • THANK YOU, THANK YOU, FOR YOUR LOVE, MR. COLBERT

  • OH, YEAH ♪ >> Stephen: JON BATISTE,

  • EVERYBODY.

  • THANK YOU, JON.

  • ( LAUGHING ) FOLKS, YOU KNOW, I SPEND MOST OF

  • MY TIME WITH A SNIFTER OF FINE ARMAGNAC AT MY ELBOW, LAYING OUT

  • THE NEWSIEST, MOST COMPELLING PLOTS, CONSTRUCTING THE MOST

  • TOPICAL CHARACTERS, AND COMPOSING THE TIMELIEST LYRICAL

  • METAPHORS TO BRING YOU THE PULITZER-WORTHY MAGNUM OPUS OF A

  • NOVEL THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.

  • BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES I LIKE TO POUND A RACK OF BOOTLEG FOUR

  • LOKO, DEFACE A BUNCH OF CUTOUTS FROM FASHIONS MAGS WITH A

  • SHARPIE AND SLAP 'EM TOGETHER WITH GLUE STICKS, THEN HIJACK MY

  • BROTHER-IN-LAW'S OFFICE PRINTER AND RUN DOWN THE TONER, CRANKING

  • OUT THE DERANGED, UNDERGROUND 'ZINE OF NEWS THAT IS MY

  • SEGMENT: >> QUARANTINE-WHILE.

  • >> Stephen: QUARANTINE-WHILE, IF YOU'RE STILL NOT SURE WHAT TO DO

  • WITH YOUR LOVED ONE ON VALENTINES, THERE'S SOME GREAT

  • NEWS: "WHITE CASTLE IS TRANSFORMING

  • RESTAURANTS INTO DRIVE-INS FOR THE NIGHT," COMPLETE WITH

  • "CARHOP SERVICE."

  • THE WAY YOU CELEBRATE VALENTINES SENDS A MESSAGE.

  • AND WHITE CASTLE IS THE PERFECT WAY TO SAY, "OUR LOVE IS

  • GRATIFYING IN THE SHORT TERM, BUT I WILL LOSE INTEREST AS SOON

  • AS I AM NO LONGER HIGH."

  • IT'S A BIG NIGHT FOR THEM, AND ACCORDING TO A SPOKESPERSON,

  • "WHITE CASTLE WILL BECOME LOVE CASTLE," BECAUSE THE ONLY THING

  • THAT GETS YOU IN THE MOOD FASTER THAN A MEAL AT WHITE CASTLE IS

  • TO BE TRAPPED IN A CAR WITH SOMEONE WHO JUST HAD A MEAL AT

  • WHITE CASTLE.

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, "OSCAR MEYER IS SEEKING NEW DRIVERS FOR ITS

  • FAMOUS WEINERMOBILE."

  • THEY ARE LOOKING FOR RECENT COLLEGE GRADUATES TO TAKE ON THE

  • ONE-YEAR PAID JOB CRISSCROSSING THE COUNTRY IN THE ICONIC

  • 27-FOOT-LONG HOT-DOG-SHAPED VEHICLE.

  • BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS "THANK YOU, MOM AND DAD, FOR WORKING YOUR

  • ENTIRE LIVES SO THAT I COULD GET A B.F.A. IN MUSICAL THEATRE,"

  • QUITE LIKE SPENDING A YEAR DRIVING A BEEF STICK LIMOUSINE.■

  • THE GIG PROMISES ALL SORTS OF ADVENTURE.

  • IN FACT, ONE OF LAST YEAR'S DRIVERS "EVEN PROPOSED TO HIS

  • GIRLFRIEND WHILE ON THE ROAD."

  • BUT IF PROPOSING IN THE WIENERMOBILE DOESN'T FEEL

  • ROMANTIC ENOUGH, YOU CAN ALWAYS TAKE HER TO THE DRIVE-THRU AT

  • WHITE CASTLE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) QUARANTINE-WHILE, UNLESS YOU

  • LIVE UNDER A ROCK, YOU ARE ALREADY ALARMINGLY AWARE OF

  • GWYNETH PATLROW'S GOOP CANDLE■ç THAT PROMISES TO SMELL LIKE HER

  • VAGINA.

  • BUT I'M THE WEIRDO IF I ENTER SOMEONE'S HOME AND ASK, "IS IS

  • ME, OR DOES IT SMELL LIKE GWYNETH PALTROW'S VAGINA IN

  • HERE?" ( LAUGHTER )

  • AND I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SAYING THIS.

  • BUT YOU MIGHT NOT WANT TO BUY THE CANDLE THAT SMELLS LIKE

  • GWYNETH PALTROW'S VAGINA BECAUSE "ONE OF HER VAGINA

  • CANDLES REPORTEDLY EXPLODED IN A U.K. WOMAN'S HOME."

  • A SHOCKING STORY THAT THREATENS THE ENTIRE VAGINA-SCENTED CANDLE

  • INDUSTRY.

  • ACCORDING TO THE HOMEOWNER, "THE CANDLE EXPLODED AND EMITTED HUGE

  • FLAMES, WITH BITS FLYING EVERYWHERE."

  • WHICH IS WHY SAFETY-MINDED CONSUMERS PREFER TO STICK WITH

  • YANKEE CANDLE'S AUTUMN LABIA.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) QUARANTINE-WHILE, "NESTLE HAS

  • RECALLED 762,000 POUNDS OF HOT POCKETS BECAUSE THEY MAY HAVE

  • GLASS AND PLASTIC INSIDE."

  • OKAY, BUT THEY STILL HAVE CHEESE, RIGHT?

  • THE COMPANY IS WARNING CUSTOMERS THAT THE HOT POCKETS CONTAINING

  • GLASS AND PLASTIC ARE DANGEROUS, THOUGH STILL NOT AS DANGEROUS

  • AS EATING THEM STRAIGHT OUT OF THE MICROWAVE.

  • STILL, PRETTY SHOCKING, AND SOME SERIOUS COMPETITION FOR ORE

  • IDA'S GLASS AND PLASTIC-INOS.

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, THIS IS THE KIND OF NEWS I'M HOPING TO SPEND

  • MORE TIME THINKING ABOUT IN 2021.

  • BECAUSE IN WAYLAND, MASSACHUSETTS, "LIBRARIANS ARE

  • MYSTIFIED BY POTATOES GATHERING ON THE LIBRARY'S FRONT LAWN."

  • I THINK THE WORD YOU'RE LOOKING FOR IS "ACCUMULATING," OR

  • "GATHERING" IMPLIES THEY'RE RESPONDING TO SOME SORT OF

  • PRIMAL POTATO CALL TO ASSEMBLE FOR THE GREAT POTATO UPRISING.

  • "ARISE, FELLOW TUBERS!

  • NEVER AGAIN WILL THEY SPRINKLE US WITH CHIVES!"

  • "THE CREAM MAY BE SOUR BUT OUR REVENGE WILL BE SWEET!"

  • THE LIBRARIANS HAVE BEEN SHAKEN BY WHAT THEY REFER TO AS "RANDOM

  • POTATOES."

  • YES, RANDOM.

  • THESE POTATOES ARE NEITHER EXPECTED NOR ORDERLY!

  • THESE ARE TATERS OF CHAOS!

  • ACCORDING TO REPORTS, LIBRARY "DIRECTOR SANDY RAYMOND FOUND

  • THE FIRST TUBER MONDAY DURING A WALK AROUND THE LIBRARY GROUNDS.

  • SHE DISCOVERED THE SECOND WHILE GETTING HER STEPS IN TUESDAY."

  • THAT'S HOW VICIOUS THIS CRIME IS!

  • SHE'S TRYING GET HER STEPS IN, AND SOME SICKO IS TAUNTING HER

  • WITH CARBS!

  • AND YOU KNOW WE'RE ONLY HEARING ABOUT THIS BECAUSE OF THE SECOND

  • POTATO.

  • IF IT WAS ONE POTATO, THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA WOULD

  • COMPLETELY IGNORE IT.

  • BUT TWO POTATOES, THAT'S A CLEAR PATTERN OF POTERRORISM.

  • TO AID LAW ENFORCEMENT, THE PRESS HAS RELEASED THIS PHOTO OF

  • THE LIBRARY AND THE POTATO-VIOLATED LAWN WITH THE

  • HELPFUL CAPTION, "ARROWS INDICATE WHERE POTATOES ARE."

  • THAT'S RIGHT, "ARE"!

  • LEAVE THEM THERE.

  • DON'T TOUCH THE CRIME SCENE!

  • TAPE IT OFF.

  • FORENSICS ARE ON THE WAY OVER WITH SOUR CREAM AND BACON BITS!

  • THE LIBRARIANS ALSO STATED, "NONE OF US CAN IMAGINE HOW

  • THEY GOT THERE."

  • IT'S UNIMAGINABLE!

  • OH, YOU MIGHT BE SAYING, "UH, DROPPED BY WALKING OR

  • THROWN FROM A CAR ARE, LIKE, THE ONLY TWO OPTIONS, RIGHT?"

  • WELL, SNAP OUT OF IT!

  • IT CANNOT BE EXPLAINED.

  • DID YOU EVEN CONSIDER THAT IT COULD BE THE SASQUATCH?

  • YOU NEVER SEE A PHOTO OF BIGFOOT WITH A POTATO.

  • NO, WHY?

  • BECAUSE HE DROPPED HIS SPUDS AT THE LIBRARY!

  • AND, AGAIN, KEEP IN MIND, THIS STORY IS NOT OVER.

  • THERE'S MORE POTATO STORY COMING.

  • >> IN THE PATROL OF FULL DISCLOSURE I THINK I

  • BECAUSE IF YOU THINK THIS IS JUST SOME FUNNY, ISOLATED LITTLE

  • POTATO INCIDENT, YOU'RE SHOULD REVEAL

  • SHOULD REVEAL THAT "POTATO OCCURRENCES" WAS THE NAME OF MY

  • COLLEGE POETRY SLAM COLLECTIVE.

  • WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH STAR OF "OUR FRIEND," JASON SEGEL.

♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

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    林宜悉 posted on 2021/01/20
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