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>> Stephen: OH, HELLO, EVERYBODY.
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AND WELCOME TO A VERY SPECIAL "A LATE SHOW."
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I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
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IT'S THE DAY BEFORE THE DAY WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR,
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BECAUSE TONIGHT IS THE LAST SHOW WE'LL DO DURING THE PRESIDENCY
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OF HE WHO SHALL REMAIN SHAMELESS.
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NOW, WE COULD TELL IMMEDIATELY THAT ENDURING THIS
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ADMINISTRATION WAS GOING TO BE A CHALLENGE.
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THIS IS WHAT I SAID IN MY FIRST MONOLOGUE AFTER HIS ELECTION:
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FOUR YEARS?
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FOUR YEARS?
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WE HAVE FOUR VERY INTERESTING YEARS IN FRONT OF US.
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I MIGHT HAVE UNDERSOLD THAT JUST A SMIDGE.
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IT HAS BEEN INTERESTING, IN THE SAME WAY RIDING IN A CAR GOING
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OVER A CLIFF IS THOUGHT-PROVOKING.
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BUT TOMORROW, LIKE A MIRACLE, HE WILL DISAPPEAR.
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SOME OF THE HIGHLIGHTS OF HIS LOWLIGHTS INCLUDE STARTING HIS
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PRESIDENCY BY DECRYING AMERICAN CARNAGE.
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HIS MUSLIM TRAVEL BAN.
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VERY FINE PEOPLE ON BOTH SIDES.
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BONDING WITH PUTIN IN HELSINKI.
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BONDING WITH KIM JONG-UN IN SINGAPORE.
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BONDING WITH THE MY PILLOW GUY EVERYWHERE ELSE.
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WANTING TO TRADE PUERTO RICO FOR GREENLAND.
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TALKING ABOUT NUKING HURRICANES OR CHANGING THEIR PATH WITH A
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SHARPIE.
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CALLING THE 26 WOMEN ACCUSING HIM OF SEXUAL ASSAULT LIARS.
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WISHING AN ACCUSED SEX TRAFFICKER WELL.
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CAGING ASYLUM-SEEKING CHILDREN THAT HE TORE FROM THEIR PARENTS.
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GETTING IMPEACHED FOR TRYING TO BLACKMAIL UKRAINE TO INTERFERE
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IN OUR ELECTION.
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COMPLETELY SHANKING A PANDEMIC.
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TEAR-GASSING PEACEFUL PROTESTERS.
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HOLDING A BIBLE DUMB.
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UNDERMINING FAITH IN OUR DEMOCRACY.
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INCITING AN ANGRY MOB TO MURDER HIS OWN VICE PRESIDENT.
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AND RUINING "Y.M.C.A."
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♪ ♪ ♪ WE DIDN'T EVEN TRY HARD FOR THAT
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LIST.
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WE WERE JUST LIKE, IT'S ONLY AN HOUR SHOW.
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BUT THE WEIRDEST THING OF THE LAST FOUR YEARS-- IT WAS YEAR
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ONE, RIGHT-- WAS WHEN HE WAS AT THE NATIONAL
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BOY SCOUT JAMBOREE AND TOLD A STORY ABOUT A RICH GUY HE KNEW
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WHO HAD A YACHT, AND SOMETHING ABOUT SOMETHING THAT SOUNDED
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LIKE A SEX PARTY ON A BOAT.
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IT REALLY SUMMED UP THIS LAST FOUR YEARS: YOU DIDN'T KNOW
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EXACTLY KNOW WHERE HE WAS GOING OR WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT BUT
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IT MADE YOU REALLY FEEL DIRTY AND YOU YOU KNEW IT WAS BAD FOR
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CHILDREN.
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I WOULD BE LYING JUST LIKE HE DOES, BECAUSE ACCORDING TO THE
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"WASHINGTON POST" PINOCCHIO LIE TRACKER, SINCE ASSUMING OFFICE,
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THE PRESIDENT HAS MADE 30,534 FALSE OR MISLEADING STATEMENTS.
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IN THE END, PINOCCHIO THREW HIMSELF INTO A WOODCHIPPER.
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>> I'M FREE!
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>> Stephen: IN THE END, THE TAKEAWAY FROM THIS PRESIDENCY
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IS TAKE HIM AWAY.
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WE HERE AT "THE LATE SHOW" HAVE BEEN COUNTING DOWN TO THIS DAY
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FOR FOUR LONG YEARS.
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LITERALLY COUNTING.
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YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED WHEN WE WERE IN THE THEATER THERE WAS A
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NUMBER IN THE BACK OF THE DOME.
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THAT WAS THE NUMBER OF DAYS UNTIL THE END OF THE PRESIDENT'S
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TERM.
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AND WE COUNTED IT DOWN EVERY NIGHT FOR FOUR LONG PAINFUL
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YEARS.
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AND TONIGHT, THE NUMBER ON THE DOME HAS COUNTED DOWN TO ONE.
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♪ HIT THE ROAD, JACK AND DON'T YOU COME BACK
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♪ NO MORE, NO MORE NO MORE, NO MORE ♪
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♪ HIT THE ROAD, JACK AND DON'T YOU COME BACK
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♪ WHAT YOU SAY ♪ HIT THE ROAD, JACK
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AND DON'T YOU COME BACK >> Stephen: HIT THE ROAD,
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JACK.
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COME ON JACK.
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THERE'S A ROAD, HIT IT.
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( LAUGHTER ) THROUGHOUT ALL THE CRAZINESS AND
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THREATS TO EVERYTHING WE HOLD SACRED, THERE WAS ONE HERO WHO
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KEPT OUR COUNTRY TOGETHER: AND THAT'S YOU, THE AMERICAN
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PEOPLE.
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FOR ALL HIS DANGEROUS ASSAULTS ON DEMOCRACY, DEMOCRACY KICKED
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HIS ASS ALL THE WAY BACK TO FLORIDA.
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AND IN THIS CASE, I, FOR ONE, WILL NEVER BE SICK OF WINNING.
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SO, YOU SHOULD BE PROUD OF YOURSELVES.
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COUNT YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS THIS YEAR STOPPING HOMEGROWN AMERICAN
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FASCISM AND HITTING 10,000 STEPS JUST WALKING BETWEEN YOUR FRIDGE
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AND YOUR COUCH.■ç YOU, YOU, THE AMERICAN PEOPLE,
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YOU HELD YOUR GROUND.
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YOU NEVER WARMED UP TO THE GUY.
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EVEN WHEN HE WON, HE LOST THE POPULAR VOTE.
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AND ACCORDING TO GALLUP, HIS AVERAGE APPROVAL RATING WAS 41%,
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"FOUR POINTS LOWER THAN ANY OTHER PRESIDENT."
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HE'S SO UNPOPULAR, THIS IS HOW HE'LL BE REMEMBERED IN THE HALL
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OF PRESIDENTS: >> WHAT A SCHMUCK I WAS.
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WHAT A SCHMUCK.Ñi ( LAUGHTER )
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>> Stephen: NOW, IF IT SOUNDS LIKE I'M MAKING A BIG DEAL
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ABOUT HIM LEAVING, IT'S NOT NEARLY AS BIG A DEAL AS HE WANTS
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TO MAKE ABOUT IT.
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THE PRESIDENT WANTS A BIG MILITARY SEND-OFF AT ANDREWS AIR
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FORCE BASE, WITH A RED CARPET AND A 21-GUN SALUTE.
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AND THIS TIME, THE GUNS AREN'T AIMED AT MIKE PENCE.
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BUT IT'S BEEN A CHALLENGE GETTING A BIG ENOUGH CROWD TO
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SATISFY THE PRESIDENT, IN PART BECAUSE, ACCORDING TO THE
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INVITATION, "ALL GUESTS MUST ARRIVE BETWEEN 6:00 A.M. AND
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7:15 A.M."
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A PARTY AT 6:00 A.M.?
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AWESOME!
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FOR THE LEAST-POPULAR MAN ON EARTH?
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SWEET!
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HEY, TELL YOU WHAT, THROW IN A KARAOKE MACHINE THAT ONLY PLAYS
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"ICE ICE BABY," AND I AM IN!
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NOW, REPORTEDLY, THE WHITE HOUSE IS SO DESPERATE TO HAVE PEOPLE
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ATTEND THIS PITY PARTY, THAT IT INVITED ANTHONY SCARAMUCCI TO
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THE EVENT.
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SCARAMUCCI?
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WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
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THE MOOCH IS CLEARLY A SEASON-ONE CHARACTER.
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THAT'S LIKE IF THE "HAPPY DAYS" REUNION WAS KICKED OFF BY
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RICHIE'S BROTHER.
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THAT'S RIGHT.
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RICHIE HAD AN OLDER BROTHER WHO WHO PLAYED BASKETBALL, WAS VERY
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TALL, AND DISAPPEARED WITH NO SCPLAWNGZ.
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I WOULD CHECK POTSIE'S CRAWL SPACE.
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THE EMAIL INVITE ALSO TOLD GUESTS THEY CAN BRING AS MANY AS
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FIVE PLUS-ONES TO TRUMP'S ELABORATE EXIT CEREMONY.
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MAN, THAT IS THIRSTY.
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"HEY, UH, PLEASE COME TO MY IMPROV SHOW.
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I'LL GET YOU TWO-FOR-ONE COUPONS THAT'S GOOD FOR FIVE
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PEOPLE.
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AND THEY DON'T HAVE TO BE PEOPLE.
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THEY CAN BE CARDBOARD CUTOUTS, OR MANNEQUINS, OR DOGS, OR
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BROOMS WITH GOOGLY EYES.
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PLEASE, MY PARENTS ARE COMING!" NOW, AFTER THE PRESIDENT LEAVES,
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THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE TO HOSE OUT 1600 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE,
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AN UNDERTAKING CARRIED OUT BY THE 90-PERSON WHITE HOUSE
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RESIDENCE STAFF IN ABOUT FIVE HOURS.
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COME ON, THAT'S A BIG HOUSE, AND THEY ONLY HAVE FIVE HOURS TO
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CLEAN IT?
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THAT'S INSANE.
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IT'S GOING TO TAKE AT LEAST AN HOUR TO PULL ERIC'S HEAD OUT OF
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THE BANISTER.
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( AS ERIC ) "HELP, HELP, I'M IN HEAD-JAIL!
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TELL DAD TO PARDON MY HEAD!" SOME NIGHTS I HAVE TOO MUCH
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SALIVA FOR ERIC.
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"IT WON'T STAY UP!
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I'M NOT GOING TO MISS HIM!" WITH EVERY DAY THAT PASSES...
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( LAUGHTER ) WE LEARN MORE ABOUT THE MAGA
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MILITIA THAT ATTACKED THE CAPITOL.
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BUT NOW WE'RE ALSO LEARNING ABOUT THEIR ARRESTS.
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SO, IT'S TIME FOR MY HOPEFULLY 10,000-PART SEGMENT,
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"SEDITIONIST ROUND-UP ROUND-UP."
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SEEMS LIKE THE COW IS IN ON IT.
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SEEMS LIKE THE COW IS INTO IT.
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THAT DOESN'T SEEM FAIR TO THE COW.
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FIRST UP IN THE LASSO OF JUSTICE IS LOCAL TRAITOR AND WOMAN
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REALIZING SHE SHOULD TOUCH UP THOSE ROOTS TO LOOK HER BEST IN
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JAIL, JENNA RYAN.
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WHEN SHE'S NOT BREAKING INTO THE CAPITOL, RYAN IS A REAL ESTATE
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BROKER FROM FRISCO, TEXAS.
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AH, THAT EXPLAINS WHY THE RIOT SMELLED LIKE FRESH-BAKED
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COOKIES.
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MAKES IT SEEM HOMEY.
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THE FEDS DIDN'T HAVE TO DIG TOO DEEP TO FIND OUT WHO SHE WAS,
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BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT SHE LVE-STREAMED DURING THE ATTACK:
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>> HERE WE GO.
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Y'ALL KNOW WHO TO HIRE FOR YOUR REALTOR.
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JENNA RYAN, YOUR REALTOR.
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>> Stephen: KIND OF A WEIRD PLACE TO PROMOTE YOUR BUSINESS.
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YOU NEVER HEARD A CONFEDERATE GENERAL SHOUTING:
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( SOUTHERN ACCENT ) "THE SOUTH SHALL RISE AGAIN
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AGAINST NORTHERN AGGRESSORS!
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BUT WHAT SHAN'T RISE ARE MY SUPER-LOW PRICES ON HARDTACK AND
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BUCKLES!
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STONEWALL'S GENERAL STORE, WE VALIDATE HORSE PARKING!
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CHARGE!" RYAN CONTINUED TO
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SCREAM-VERTIZE.
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>> YOU GUYS, CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?
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I AM NOT MESSING AROUND.
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WHEN I COME TO SELL YOUR HOUSE, THIS IS WHAT I WILL DO.
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( LAUGHTER ).
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>> Stephen: WHAT?
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BREAK WINDOWS AND TILL IT WITH WHITE SUPREMACISTS.
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"AND YOU CAN TURN THIS INTO AN ACCENT WALL WITH JUST A CAN OF
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PEPPER SPRAY.
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I BROUGHT SOME COLOR SWATCHES!
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OOH, I LIKE EYEBALL VOLCANO.
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UHM, SINUS MELTDOWN!" NOW, WE CAN'T SOLELY BLAME THE
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PRESIDENT FOR INCITING THIS STUPID, STUPID, WOMAN, BECAUSE,
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APPARENTLY, SHE ALSO LISTENS TO OTHER SOURCES.
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>> NOT JUST THE PRESIDENT.
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THERE'S ALSO-- I FOLLOW EVERYTHING THAT RUDY GIULIANI
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SAYS.
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>> Stephen: FINDING OUT THE WOMAN IN CHARGE OF THE CONTRACTS
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FOR YOUR HOME IS TAKING ADVICE FROM RUDY GIULIANI IS LIKE
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FINDING OUT YOUR DENTIST IS TAKING ADVICE FROM RUDY
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GIULIANI.■ç "ALL RIGHT, LET'S START WITH A
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RED WINE RINSE, AND WHAT DO YOU SAY WE REPLACE YOUR LOWER ROW OF
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TEETH WITH FEED CORN AND CIGARETTE BUTTS."
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ELSEWHERE IN THE ROUND-UP ROUND-UP, AUTHORITIES HAVE
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ARRESTED MARYLAND WHITE SUPREMACIST AND MAN WHO MADE THE
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WRONG CHOICE BETWEEN MUSTACHE AND BEARD, BRYAN BETANCUR.
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BASED ON A TIP, THE SUSPECT WAS IDENTIFIED IN A SOCIAL MEDIA
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POST.■ç BUT IT ALSO HELPED THAT ON
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JANUARY 6, HE WAS OUT ON PAROLE FOR A TOTALLY DIFFERENT CRIME
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AND WEARING A G.P.S. ANKLE MONITOR THAT PLACED HIM AT THE
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RIOT.
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CLEARLY, NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED, WHICH IS TOO BAD,
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BECAUSE HE COULD HAVE USED THAT TOOL TO CUT OFF THAT ANKLE
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MONITOR.
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THE FEDS HAVE ALSO ARRESTED TEXAS GUY, GUY REFFITT, WHO YOU
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MIGHT REMEMBER FROM BEING PEPPER SPRAYED ON THE CAPITOL STEPS.
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BUT HE STOOD HIS GROUND.
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IT REMINDS ME OF PATRICK HENRY'S FAMOUS WORDS, "GIVE ME LIBERTY
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OR-- AAARGH!
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NOT IN THE EYES!
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GAAAH!" REFFITT WAS TRACKED DOWN BY THE
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F.B.I. AFTER FOOTAGE OF HIM WAS SEEN ONLINE.
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AND IT'S A GOOD THING THE F.B.I.
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TRACKED HIM DOWN, BECAUSE BEFORE HIS ARREST, HE WARNED HIS
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CHILDREN, "IF YOU TURN ME IN, YOU'RE A TRAITOR.
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AND YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO TRAITORS, TRAITORS GET SHOT."
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SOMETIMES.
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BUT SOMETIMES, THEY JUST GET PEPPER SPRAYED ON THE STEPS OF
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THE CAPITOL.
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WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
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STAR OF "OUR FRIEND" JASON SEGEL IS HERE.
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BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"
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JOIN US, WON'T YOU.
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♪ ♪ ♪