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  • >> Stephen: OH, HELLO, EVERYBODY.

  • AND WELCOME TO A VERY SPECIAL "A LATE SHOW."

  • I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • IT'S THE DAY BEFORE THE DAY WE'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR,

  • BECAUSE TONIGHT IS THE LAST SHOW WE'LL DO DURING THE PRESIDENCY

  • OF HE WHO SHALL REMAIN SHAMELESS.

  • NOW, WE COULD TELL IMMEDIATELY THAT ENDURING THIS

  • ADMINISTRATION WAS GOING TO BE A CHALLENGE.

  • THIS IS WHAT I SAID IN MY FIRST MONOLOGUE AFTER HIS ELECTION:

  • FOUR YEARS?

  • FOUR YEARS?

  • WE HAVE FOUR VERY INTERESTING YEARS IN FRONT OF US.

  • I MIGHT HAVE UNDERSOLD THAT JUST A SMIDGE.

  • IT HAS BEEN INTERESTING, IN THE SAME WAY RIDING IN A CAR GOING

  • OVER A CLIFF IS THOUGHT-PROVOKING.

  • BUT TOMORROW, LIKE A MIRACLE, HE WILL DISAPPEAR.

  • SOME OF THE HIGHLIGHTS OF HIS LOWLIGHTS INCLUDE STARTING HIS

  • PRESIDENCY BY DECRYING AMERICAN CARNAGE.

  • HIS MUSLIM TRAVEL BAN.

  • VERY FINE PEOPLE ON BOTH SIDES.

  • BONDING WITH PUTIN IN HELSINKI.

  • BONDING WITH KIM JONG-UN IN SINGAPORE.

  • BONDING WITH THE MY PILLOW GUY EVERYWHERE ELSE.

  • WANTING TO TRADE PUERTO RICO FOR GREENLAND.

  • TALKING ABOUT NUKING HURRICANES OR CHANGING THEIR PATH WITH A

  • SHARPIE.

  • CALLING THE 26 WOMEN ACCUSING HIM OF SEXUAL ASSAULT LIARS.

  • WISHING AN ACCUSED SEX TRAFFICKER WELL.

  • CAGING ASYLUM-SEEKING CHILDREN THAT HE TORE FROM THEIR PARENTS.

  • GETTING IMPEACHED FOR TRYING TO BLACKMAIL UKRAINE TO INTERFERE

  • IN OUR ELECTION.

  • COMPLETELY SHANKING A PANDEMIC.

  • TEAR-GASSING PEACEFUL PROTESTERS.

  • HOLDING A BIBLE DUMB.

  • UNDERMINING FAITH IN OUR DEMOCRACY.

  • INCITING AN ANGRY MOB TO MURDER HIS OWN VICE PRESIDENT.

  • AND RUINING "Y.M.C.A."

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ WE DIDN'T EVEN TRY HARD FOR THAT

  • LIST.

  • WE WERE JUST LIKE, IT'S ONLY AN HOUR SHOW.

  • BUT THE WEIRDEST THING OF THE LAST FOUR YEARS-- IT WAS YEAR

  • ONE, RIGHT-- WAS WHEN HE WAS AT THE NATIONAL

  • BOY SCOUT JAMBOREE AND TOLD A STORY ABOUT A RICH GUY HE KNEW

  • WHO HAD A YACHT, AND SOMETHING ABOUT SOMETHING THAT SOUNDED

  • LIKE A SEX PARTY ON A BOAT.

  • IT REALLY SUMMED UP THIS LAST FOUR YEARS: YOU DIDN'T KNOW

  • EXACTLY KNOW WHERE HE WAS GOING OR WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT BUT

  • IT MADE YOU REALLY FEEL DIRTY AND YOU YOU KNEW IT WAS BAD FOR

  • CHILDREN.

  • I WOULD BE LYING JUST LIKE HE DOES, BECAUSE ACCORDING TO THE

  • "WASHINGTON POST" PINOCCHIO LIE TRACKER, SINCE ASSUMING OFFICE,

  • THE PRESIDENT HAS MADE 30,534 FALSE OR MISLEADING STATEMENTS.

  • IN THE END, PINOCCHIO THREW HIMSELF INTO A WOODCHIPPER.

  • >> I'M FREE!

  • >> Stephen: IN THE END, THE TAKEAWAY FROM THIS PRESIDENCY

  • IS TAKE HIM AWAY.

  • WE HERE AT "THE LATE SHOW" HAVE BEEN COUNTING DOWN TO THIS DAY

  • FOR FOUR LONG YEARS.

  • LITERALLY COUNTING.

  • YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED WHEN WE WERE IN THE THEATER THERE WAS A

  • NUMBER IN THE BACK OF THE DOME.

  • THAT WAS THE NUMBER OF DAYS UNTIL THE END OF THE PRESIDENT'S

  • TERM.

  • AND WE COUNTED IT DOWN EVERY NIGHT FOR FOUR LONG PAINFUL

  • YEARS.

  • AND TONIGHT, THE NUMBER ON THE DOME HAS COUNTED DOWN TO ONE.

  • HIT THE ROAD, JACK AND DON'T YOU COME BACK

  • NO MORE, NO MORE NO MORE, NO MORE

  • HIT THE ROAD, JACK AND DON'T YOU COME BACK

  • WHAT YOU SAYHIT THE ROAD, JACK

  • AND DON'T YOU COME BACK >> Stephen: HIT THE ROAD,

  • JACK.

  • COME ON JACK.

  • THERE'S A ROAD, HIT IT.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THROUGHOUT ALL THE CRAZINESS AND

  • THREATS TO EVERYTHING WE HOLD SACRED, THERE WAS ONE HERO WHO

  • KEPT OUR COUNTRY TOGETHER: AND THAT'S YOU, THE AMERICAN

  • PEOPLE.

  • FOR ALL HIS DANGEROUS ASSAULTS ON DEMOCRACY, DEMOCRACY KICKED

  • HIS ASS ALL THE WAY BACK TO FLORIDA.

  • AND IN THIS CASE, I, FOR ONE, WILL NEVER BE SICK OF WINNING.

  • SO, YOU SHOULD BE PROUD OF YOURSELVES.

  • COUNT YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS THIS YEAR STOPPING HOMEGROWN AMERICAN

  • FASCISM AND HITTING 10,000 STEPS JUST WALKING BETWEEN YOUR FRIDGE

  • AND YOUR COUCH.■ç YOU, YOU, THE AMERICAN PEOPLE,

  • YOU HELD YOUR GROUND.

  • YOU NEVER WARMED UP TO THE GUY.

  • EVEN WHEN HE WON, HE LOST THE POPULAR VOTE.

  • AND ACCORDING TO GALLUP, HIS AVERAGE APPROVAL RATING WAS 41%,

  • "FOUR POINTS LOWER THAN ANY OTHER PRESIDENT."

  • HE'S SO UNPOPULAR, THIS IS HOW HE'LL BE REMEMBERED IN THE HALL

  • OF PRESIDENTS: >> WHAT A SCHMUCK I WAS.

  • WHAT A SCHMUCK.Ñi ( LAUGHTER )

  • >> Stephen: NOW, IF IT SOUNDS LIKE I'M MAKING A BIG DEAL

  • ABOUT HIM LEAVING, IT'S NOT NEARLY AS BIG A DEAL AS HE WANTS

  • TO MAKE ABOUT IT.

  • THE PRESIDENT WANTS A BIG MILITARY SEND-OFF AT ANDREWS AIR

  • FORCE BASE, WITH A RED CARPET AND A 21-GUN SALUTE.

  • AND THIS TIME, THE GUNS AREN'T AIMED AT MIKE PENCE.

  • BUT IT'S BEEN A CHALLENGE GETTING A BIG ENOUGH CROWD TO

  • SATISFY THE PRESIDENT, IN PART BECAUSE, ACCORDING TO THE

  • INVITATION, "ALL GUESTS MUST ARRIVE BETWEEN 6:00 A.M. AND

  • 7:15 A.M."

  • A PARTY AT 6:00 A.M.?

  • AWESOME!

  • FOR THE LEAST-POPULAR MAN ON EARTH?

  • SWEET!

  • HEY, TELL YOU WHAT, THROW IN A KARAOKE MACHINE THAT ONLY PLAYS

  • "ICE ICE BABY," AND I AM IN!

  • NOW, REPORTEDLY, THE WHITE HOUSE IS SO DESPERATE TO HAVE PEOPLE

  • ATTEND THIS PITY PARTY, THAT IT INVITED ANTHONY SCARAMUCCI TO

  • THE EVENT.

  • SCARAMUCCI?

  • WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

  • THE MOOCH IS CLEARLY A SEASON-ONE CHARACTER.

  • THAT'S LIKE IF THE "HAPPY DAYS" REUNION WAS KICKED OFF BY

  • RICHIE'S BROTHER.

  • THAT'S RIGHT.

  • RICHIE HAD AN OLDER BROTHER WHO WHO PLAYED BASKETBALL, WAS VERY

  • TALL, AND DISAPPEARED WITH NO SCPLAWNGZ.

  • I WOULD CHECK POTSIE'S CRAWL SPACE.

  • THE EMAIL INVITE ALSO TOLD GUESTS THEY CAN BRING AS MANY AS

  • FIVE PLUS-ONES TO TRUMP'S ELABORATE EXIT CEREMONY.

  • MAN, THAT IS THIRSTY.

  • "HEY, UH, PLEASE COME TO MY IMPROV SHOW.

  • I'LL GET YOU TWO-FOR-ONE COUPONS THAT'S GOOD FOR FIVE

  • PEOPLE.

  • AND THEY DON'T HAVE TO BE PEOPLE.

  • THEY CAN BE CARDBOARD CUTOUTS, OR MANNEQUINS, OR DOGS, OR

  • BROOMS WITH GOOGLY EYES.

  • PLEASE, MY PARENTS ARE COMING!" NOW, AFTER THE PRESIDENT LEAVES,

  • THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE TO HOSE OUT 1600 PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE,

  • AN UNDERTAKING CARRIED OUT BY THE 90-PERSON WHITE HOUSE

  • RESIDENCE STAFF IN ABOUT FIVE HOURS.

  • COME ON, THAT'S A BIG HOUSE, AND THEY ONLY HAVE FIVE HOURS TO

  • CLEAN IT?

  • THAT'S INSANE.

  • IT'S GOING TO TAKE AT LEAST AN HOUR TO PULL ERIC'S HEAD OUT OF

  • THE BANISTER.

  • ( AS ERIC ) "HELP, HELP, I'M IN HEAD-JAIL!

  • TELL DAD TO PARDON MY HEAD!" SOME NIGHTS I HAVE TOO MUCH

  • SALIVA FOR ERIC.

  • "IT WON'T STAY UP!

  • I'M NOT GOING TO MISS HIM!" WITH EVERY DAY THAT PASSES...

  • ( LAUGHTER ) WE LEARN MORE ABOUT THE MAGA

  • MILITIA THAT ATTACKED THE CAPITOL.

  • BUT NOW WE'RE ALSO LEARNING ABOUT THEIR ARRESTS.

  • SO, IT'S TIME FOR MY HOPEFULLY 10,000-PART SEGMENT,

  • "SEDITIONIST ROUND-UP ROUND-UP."

  • SEEMS LIKE THE COW IS IN ON IT.

  • SEEMS LIKE THE COW IS INTO IT.

  • THAT DOESN'T SEEM FAIR TO THE COW.

  • FIRST UP IN THE LASSO OF JUSTICE IS LOCAL TRAITOR AND WOMAN

  • REALIZING SHE SHOULD TOUCH UP THOSE ROOTS TO LOOK HER BEST IN

  • JAIL, JENNA RYAN.

  • WHEN SHE'S NOT BREAKING INTO THE CAPITOL, RYAN IS A REAL ESTATE

  • BROKER FROM FRISCO, TEXAS.

  • AH, THAT EXPLAINS WHY THE RIOT SMELLED LIKE FRESH-BAKED

  • COOKIES.

  • MAKES IT SEEM HOMEY.

  • THE FEDS DIDN'T HAVE TO DIG TOO DEEP TO FIND OUT WHO SHE WAS,

  • BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT SHE LVE-STREAMED DURING THE ATTACK:

  • >> HERE WE GO.

  • Y'ALL KNOW WHO TO HIRE FOR YOUR REALTOR.

  • JENNA RYAN, YOUR REALTOR.

  • >> Stephen: KIND OF A WEIRD PLACE TO PROMOTE YOUR BUSINESS.

  • YOU NEVER HEARD A CONFEDERATE GENERAL SHOUTING:

  • ( SOUTHERN ACCENT ) "THE SOUTH SHALL RISE AGAIN

  • AGAINST NORTHERN AGGRESSORS!

  • BUT WHAT SHAN'T RISE ARE MY SUPER-LOW PRICES ON HARDTACK AND

  • BUCKLES!

  • STONEWALL'S GENERAL STORE, WE VALIDATE HORSE PARKING!

  • CHARGE!" RYAN CONTINUED TO

  • SCREAM-VERTIZE.

  • >> YOU GUYS, CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?

  • I AM NOT MESSING AROUND.

  • WHEN I COME TO SELL YOUR HOUSE, THIS IS WHAT I WILL DO.

  • ( LAUGHTER ).

  • >> Stephen: WHAT?

  • BREAK WINDOWS AND TILL IT WITH WHITE SUPREMACISTS.

  • "AND YOU CAN TURN THIS INTO AN ACCENT WALL WITH JUST A CAN OF

  • PEPPER SPRAY.

  • I BROUGHT SOME COLOR SWATCHES!

  • OOH, I LIKE EYEBALL VOLCANO.

  • UHM, SINUS MELTDOWN!" NOW, WE CAN'T SOLELY BLAME THE

  • PRESIDENT FOR INCITING THIS STUPID, STUPID, WOMAN, BECAUSE,

  • APPARENTLY, SHE ALSO LISTENS TO OTHER SOURCES.

  • >> NOT JUST THE PRESIDENT.

  • THERE'S ALSO-- I FOLLOW EVERYTHING THAT RUDY GIULIANI

  • SAYS.

  • >> Stephen: FINDING OUT THE WOMAN IN CHARGE OF THE CONTRACTS

  • FOR YOUR HOME IS TAKING ADVICE FROM RUDY GIULIANI IS LIKE

  • FINDING OUT YOUR DENTIST IS TAKING ADVICE FROM RUDY

  • GIULIANI.■ç "ALL RIGHT, LET'S START WITH A

  • RED WINE RINSE, AND WHAT DO YOU SAY WE REPLACE YOUR LOWER ROW OF

  • TEETH WITH FEED CORN AND CIGARETTE BUTTS."

  • ELSEWHERE IN THE ROUND-UP ROUND-UP, AUTHORITIES HAVE

  • ARRESTED MARYLAND WHITE SUPREMACIST AND MAN WHO MADE THE

  • WRONG CHOICE BETWEEN MUSTACHE AND BEARD, BRYAN BETANCUR.

  • BASED ON A TIP, THE SUSPECT WAS IDENTIFIED IN A SOCIAL MEDIA

  • POST.■ç BUT IT ALSO HELPED THAT ON

  • JANUARY 6, HE WAS OUT ON PAROLE FOR A TOTALLY DIFFERENT CRIME

  • AND WEARING A G.P.S. ANKLE MONITOR THAT PLACED HIM AT THE

  • RIOT.

  • CLEARLY, NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED, WHICH IS TOO BAD,

  • BECAUSE HE COULD HAVE USED THAT TOOL TO CUT OFF THAT ANKLE

  • MONITOR.

  • THE FEDS HAVE ALSO ARRESTED TEXAS GUY, GUY REFFITT, WHO YOU

  • MIGHT REMEMBER FROM BEING PEPPER SPRAYED ON THE CAPITOL STEPS.

  • BUT HE STOOD HIS GROUND.

  • IT REMINDS ME OF PATRICK HENRY'S FAMOUS WORDS, "GIVE ME LIBERTY

  • OR-- AAARGH!

  • NOT IN THE EYES!

  • GAAAH!" REFFITT WAS TRACKED DOWN BY THE

  • F.B.I. AFTER FOOTAGE OF HIM WAS SEEN ONLINE.

  • AND IT'S A GOOD THING THE F.B.I.

  • TRACKED HIM DOWN, BECAUSE BEFORE HIS ARREST, HE WARNED HIS

  • CHILDREN, "IF YOU TURN ME IN, YOU'RE A TRAITOR.

  • AND YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO TRAITORS, TRAITORS GET SHOT."

  • SOMETIMES.

  • BUT SOMETIMES, THEY JUST GET PEPPER SPRAYED ON THE STEPS OF

  • THE CAPITOL.

  • WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

  • STAR OF "OUR FRIEND" JASON SEGEL IS HERE.

  • BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"

  • JOIN US, WON'T YOU.

  • ♪ ♪ ♪

>> Stephen: OH, HELLO, EVERYBODY.

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