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  • -Hey, guys, you know,

  • it's mid-January, and that means, um --

  • Tariq, you okay?

  • You look bothered.

  • -No, I'm good.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -You sure? You don't seem good.

  • -I just got some things on my mind, you know,

  • things to probably go on my irk list.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -What's your irk list?

  • It's that list that I keep,

  • of things that annoy me, you know, random stuff.

  • You know what? I'll just show you.

  • It's time for "Tariq's Irk List."

  • [ Cheering ] -♪ Tariq's Irk List

  • All the things that irk Tariq

  • -Well, I'm a binge viewer, Jimmy.

  • Every time I hear a new season of something good drops,

  • I binge on it.

  • That's how I view things, on a binge.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • A bender. I watch hard, play hard.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I'm always starved for new content,

  • so it irks me when a good show tricks me into believing

  • there's a new season available,

  • when it's really only a couple new episodes.

  • "Breaking Bad," "Arrested Development,"

  • "Black Mirror," a lot of these shows, man.

  • Most recently, "Euphoria."

  • "Oh, look, we found one Lucy episode

  • [ Laughter ] lying around the studio!

  • New season alert!"

  • Nah, I'm not feeling that, man.

  • Y'all are going on the list.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • -Alright.

  • -It reminds me of another thing that really makes my blood boil.

  • You want to know what really gets my goat, Jimmy?

  • What really grinds my gears? -Mm-hmm.

  • -You want to know what really

  • squeezes the jelly out of my doughnut?

  • [ Laughter ] -Alright, come on, now.

  • Who's writing this?

  • -Being intentionally annoyed while I'm watching TV, man.

  • Like I like to immerse myself in the story,

  • to really become a part of the world

  • within which the narrative takes place.

  • But, say I'm watching something with my wife, right.

  • Never fails. She'll suspect what's about to happen

  • and then yell it out to me in the form of a question.

  • [ High-pitched ] "He's not going to go into

  • that abandoned building alone,

  • where, if everything happens to him,

  • it'll be days before somebody found him, babe, is he?"

  • And I'm like, "I don't know, Michelle.

  • If I were to say either yes or no,

  • it would only be speculation.

  • But, here's the thing.

  • If we watch and wait patiently

  • [ Laughter ] for just a few more minutes...

  • -Yes! -[ Claps ]

  • -We'll know exactly what happens because it will have happened.

  • [ Laughter and applause ] -That's correct.

  • That's right. -Yeah.

  • -It's either that, or she has no clue what's going on,

  • so she just keeps checking in with me.

  • "Oh, my God! What's going to happen?

  • Babe, what just happened?!"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Or maybe she can't hear.

  • So, like, every five minutes she's all, "Wait, huh?

  • What'd they say?"

  • [ Laughter ] Now, my hearing is fine, Jimmy.

  • I have amazing hearing, very clear fiber optics.

  • [ Laughter ] But I'm not here to be

  • your human subtitles for "The Undoing."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Sometimes it takes a complete turn for the worse

  • because she only watches the background.

  • I mean, since that whole Starbucks cup

  • on "Game of Thrones" thing, she's been obsessed.

  • "I can't believe they wouldn't notice --

  • I can't believe they thought we wouldn't notice

  • her shoelaces were double- knotted in that last scene

  • and, now, it's a single knot."

  • And I go, "Damn! You irking me."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Take a day off continuity, continuity cops.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • And she says, "I can't help but notice

  • all the nooks and crannies.

  • It's called being perceptive."

  • And then, I can't focus on the show at all

  • because I start thinking, "Why don't you ever hear

  • about crannies without the nooks?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It's like crannies need nooks for validation.

  • Nooks don't need crannies.

  • They go off and do their own thing sometimes.

  • You see breakfast nooks, reading nooks.

  • Nook this, nook that.

  • Stop, nook, and listen.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • You never hear about a breakfast cranny.

  • I mean, nooks and crannies, as a team,

  • they are sort of low-key, though, you know, usually.

  • I mean, you hear about them in reference

  • to like English muffins. That's pretty much it.

  • [ Laughter ] Then I start to think about all the other

  • seemingly inseparable duos with one half who's going rogue.

  • I mean, look at to and fro.

  • Fro ain't [bleep] without his boy to.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • To is dropping solo music,

  • he's got his own spinoff show, he's all over the place.

  • "Look, everybody it's to!"

  • He's on the red carpet, gossip columns,

  • flying private, dating social media celebrity influencers.

  • It irks me that fro won't take a stand

  • for his independence, Jimmy.

  • Get yourself together, man!

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Wait, what was I saying?

  • -You were telling me

  • about your irk list. -Oh, yeah, that's right.

  • -Yeah. -You want to know

  • what else irks me?

  • This new trend of people using "cheers" as a verb,

  • you know, as they say like, "Let's cheers to the end

  • of the Trump administration!"

  • And, though I'm definitely going to drink to that,

  • I'm like, it irks me that we're allowing cheersing

  • to take the place of the toast.

  • Jimmy, the toast has evolved from sacred libation ceremonies

  • that date back to the empires of the Greeks,

  • the Romans, the Egyptians.

  • It's a sacred ritual. It's formal.

  • You don't just toast.

  • There's a proposal involved, and everything.

  • Like if those present accept your proposal and agree,

  • then they raise their glasses as you have raised yours.

  • It's a beautiful thing.

  • Now, people running around, all happy-go-lucky,

  • cheersing all willy-nilly with any old beverage

  • [ Laughter ] and it irks my soul, Jimmy.

  • I'm hurt.

  • But, other than that, I'm fine.

  • [ Laughter and applause ] -A toast

  • to a great man. Tariq Trotter, everyone!

  • Stick around.

  • We've got more "Tonight Show" coming up.

  • Come on back, everybody.

  • [ Cheering and applause ] ♪♪

-Hey, guys, you know,

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Tariq’s Irk List: Nooks and Crannies, Cheers as a Verb

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    林宜悉 posted on 2021/01/20
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