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  • -Thank you very much and welcome, welcome, welcome,

  • welcome to "The Tonight Show"!

  • [ Cheers and applause ] Thank you for being here.

  • Thank you for watching.

  • I want to wish everyone a happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • You know, it's days like today

  • we should all be grateful that Trump can't tweet.

  • -Yes. [ Laughter and applause ]

  • -Well, guys, there's only 36 hours left

  • in Trump's presidency.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • You think you're excited. Every 10 minutes,

  • the White House staffer yells how much time is left

  • like it's "The Great British Bake-Off."

  • [ English accent ] "You have 36 hours left!"

  • [ Normal voice ] Yep, just 36 hours left.

  • You can tell time is running out

  • 'cause Trump's now signing pardons with both hands.

  • "Next. Next.

  • Next."

  • With Trump, 36 hours still seems like a long time.

  • [ Laughter ] Right?

  • It's like if someone said,

  • "You're only gonna be on fire for 36 more hours."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That's a long time.

  • "You're only gonna be in this MRI tube for another 36 hours."

  • [ Laughter, groans ]

  • "Try not to move." Yeah.

  • I obviously broke my arm.

  • -I know. Painful.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Normally after a president's term,

  • they show before-and-after photos

  • to prove how much the job aged him.

  • This time they're showing

  • before-and-after photos of all of us.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • For instance, this is what I look like today, obviously,

  • and this is what I looked like four years ago.

  • So it's interesting. [ Laughter and applause ]

  • You can tell Trump is emotional

  • that things are coming to an end.

  • As we speak he's in the Oval Office singing...

  • It's something unpredictable

  • But in the end it's right

  • ♪ I can't believe that I got impeached twice

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "I don't know how to play the guitar.

  • It's more of a ukulele."

  • [ Guitar chord strums ]

  • This big bass. Thanks.

  • ♪♪

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Questlove imitating violin playing ]

  • Sounds like a dying cat. -Right.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -I tried, man. -Yeah, I know, I know.

  • You'll never be Michael Winslow. [ Laughter ]

  • You can try as much as you want.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • During his last hours in office,

  • Trump is planning to issue pardons,

  • but it's reported, not going to give pardons

  • to himself or his family members.

  • Trump is the only President in history who decides

  • not to pardon himself, and you immediately think,

  • "What's he up to?" [ Laughter ]

  • I'm not surprised Trump didn't pardon himself today

  • 'cause then he'd be liable for whatever he does tomorrow.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yep, Trump won't pardon his family, either.

  • Actually, it's kind of sweet. Trump told his kids,

  • "When I go down for tax fraud,

  • I want you all to be in prison with me."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Sweet, right? [ Applause ]

  • I'm kidding. The kids took it in stride.

  • They were like, "Hey, no problem, Dad.

  • If you need us, we'll be living in Switzerland

  • for the next 60 years." [ Laughter ]

  • Some impeachment news. Over the weekend,

  • Rudy Giuliani said that he will not be working

  • on Trump's impeachment defense because he is a witness.

  • When he heard that, Trump was like,

  • "Wow, I might actually win this thing."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yep, Rudy's now calling himself a witness

  • while the FBI is still calling him a suspect.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Toe-may-toes, toe-mah-toes."

  • When they heard Rudy won't be there,

  • the Senate cleaning staff rolled up the plastic tarp

  • that they'd put under the podium.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yep, Trump's completely out of lawyers.

  • Next month, he'll be defended by a hologram of Matlock.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Chuckles ] [ Laughter ]

  • That was my favorite of the monologue.

  • That's my favorite. [ Laughter ]

  • I'm gonna start calling them out.

  • That was my jam. [ Laughter ]

  • Matlock hologram. Listen to this --

  • over the weekend, Biden's team said that on a day one,

  • Biden will issue several executive orders

  • to reverse a bunch of Trump's most controversial policies.

  • Yep, Biden is undoing everything Trump did,

  • which is basically undoing all the stuff Obama did,

  • so in the end, we're gonna party like it's 2009.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Yep, Biden will undo every single thing

  • Trump did over the last four years.

  • Trump's like, "Five minutes of work right down the tubers."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That's right, Biden's undoing the travel ban,

  • rejoining the Paris climate agreement,

  • and issuing a mask mandate.

  • He said it's not a to-do list,

  • it's an "I can't believe I even have to do this" list.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Let's change gears a little.

  • I saw that Nestle is recalling more than 762,000 pounds

  • of pepperoni Hot Pockets over concerns that they may have

  • pieces of glass or plastic inside them.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Right now, customers are like,

  • "Pepperoni Hot Pocket filled with glass and plastic

  • or spinach artichoke Lean Pocket."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "I mean, how much glass and plastic could it be, right?

  • Come on."

  • This pretty much sums up these crazy times.

  • You survive COVID, but then you're killed by a Hot Pocket.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And finally, over the weekend, in the U.K.,

  • police shut down a house party for breaking COVID rules,

  • but the guests claim that they were unaware

  • of the global pandemic as they never watch the news.

  • [ Light laughter ]

  • U.K. police were like, "Either way, you need to

  • shut down the party, Your Majesty."

  • We have a great show.

  • Give it up for The Roots, everybody!

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • -♪ Come on, rock you, come on, rock you

  • And you and you and you

  • Come on, come on, come on, come on, rock you

  • Come on, rock you, rock

  • -What a show we have for you tonight.

  • He recently starred as a guest judge on the show "Shark Tank."

  • Alex Rodriguez is here. [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Plus, joining us in studio,

  • you can see his latest film, "Da 5 Bloods," on Netflix.

  • Spike Lee is here in the building!

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • And we got great music from Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis,

  • featuring Babyface. [ Cheers and applause ]

  • That's fantastic.

  • Is this because of the Verzuz stuff?

  • -No, they just never worked with each other, so...

  • Superpowers uniting. -I love it.

  • I love Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis.

  • -Yeah. -Then we got a bunch of

  • great guests on the rest of the week --

  • Dakota Johnson, Martin Scorsese and Fran Lebowitz,

  • Rosario Dawson, Shaquille O'Neal.

  • -Well, Jimmy, it sounds like the cat's out of the bag,

  • which means it's time for my new segment, "Tariq's Cat Corner."

  • -No, actually -- I'm sorry.

  • Actually, Tariq, we had -- Sorry. We had to cut that bit.

  • For time. I'm sorry, dude.

  • -Oh. I see.

  • Guess I'll just put all my cat toys away.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Come on, Tariq, don't be like this.

  • It's just -- Just this once --

  • -It's fine! [ Laughter ]

  • ♪♪

  • ♪ I did my best

  • But I guess my best wasn't good enough

  • ♪ 'Cause here we are back where we were before

  • Seems nothing ever changes

  • We're back to being strangers

  • Wondering if we are to stay

  • Or head on out the door

  • Just once

  • Can we figure out what we keep doing wrong

  • ♪♪

  • Why we never last for very long

  • What are we doing wrong

  • Just once

  • Can we find a way to finally make it right

  • Oh

  • Make the magic last for more than just one night

  • If we can just get to it

  • ♪ I know we can break through it just once

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • -Well, maybe we'll try "Cat Corner" next week.

  • -Sounds good.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Stick around. We'll be right back

  • with more "Tonight Show," everybody.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • -♪ Just once

  • Can we finally, finally make it right

-Thank you very much and welcome, welcome, welcome,

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There Are Only 36 Hours Left in Trump’s Presidency | The Tonight Show

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    林宜悉 posted on 2021/01/19
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