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  • -Guys, it is Friday, and that's

  • usually when I take care of some business,

  • you know, I get some things done,

  • but the day just got completely away from me.

  • I spent all day getting inked on the Lower East Side.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Really? Really?

  • -And I --

  • -You got that thing on your lower back fixed?

  • [ Laughter ] -No, I added to that.

  • -Oh, oh. -And, now, it goes all the way up the back.

  • -Oh, you got a "full sleeve" of sorts.

  • [ Laughter ] -Yeah. They're called a back sleeve.

  • -Yeah. -Interesting.

  • It doesn't quite make sense,

  • but I guess, in Europe, they have those things.

  • So, yeah, it's a full back sleeve.

  • [ Laughter ] What it is, it's --

  • You remember Spuds MacKenzie?

  • [ Laughter ] -Yeah. Oh.

  • -What if he was a puppy, right?

  • And then, when he grew up, he didn't like to party as much.

  • So he's not the party animal.

  • So it's Spuds Mackenzie,

  • like the evolution of Spuds Mackenzie,

  • growing from puppy and being trained to, instead,

  • he gets his medical degree.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Wow! Like a hieroglyphic.

  • So it's like a Spudsie Howser.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Yeah, it's like Spudsie Howser,

  • I guess, if you want to make -- Don't make fun of it.

  • I mean, it cost a lot of money.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It's on my back. I mean, you know,

  • I have to live with it, you know?

  • -Got it. -You know, my wife has to see it

  • every time we go swimming, you know?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • If I go in first.

  • -Much to her chagrin.

  • Much to her -- Yeah. She digs it, I think, you know.

  • I'm going to surprise her tonight.

  • [ Laughter ] -Oh, Nancy hasn't seen it yet?

  • -No, I haven't shown my wife, yet.

  • She only saw the puppy Spuds Mackenzie ones,

  • but I added to it.

  • I was there all day today,

  • for like hours, I mean.

  • And it's COVID. I mean,

  • not even legal, what I did.

  • [ Laughter ] -Yeah.

  • You got a back alley --

  • -Yes. Back alley back sleeve tattoo.

  • -Yeah. Wow. -Yeah, I got inked, man.

  • -Nice. -I got full-time ink.

  • -Nice! -Yeah.

  • -That's my new show, by the way, on Cinemax After Dark.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Full-Time Ink." Check it out.

  • It's pretty cool.

  • Every show is a cliffhanger.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -F-o-o-l?

  • -What's that? -F-o-o-l, Fool Time Ink?

  • [ Laughter ] "Fool Time Ink."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Oh, it's a thinker. -No.

  • [ Laughter ] -Yeah, okay. I gotcha. I gotcha.

  • -I got to email my agent now.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • We could probably change it.

  • I mean, it's Cinemax After Dark, so,

  • we pretty much run by the seat of our pants.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yeah. They said they changed it, already.

  • It's "Fool Time Inc.," now.

  • But they put "ink" as "Inc.," like "incorporated."

  • [ Laughter ] -Oh, man.

  • -Now, it's about

  • doing kids' parties. -T-y-m-e?

  • -Yeah. -Spice? Okay.

  • -T-y-m-e. Fool --

  • -Can you send another email?

  • -Sure, of course.

  • -"Tool Time" -- -"Tool"?

  • "Tool Time Inc."

  • I mean, for Cinemax After Dark,

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Tool Time Inc."

  • They just said we got sued by Tim Allen.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Ah.

  • I don't know how they work over there.

  • They're fine.

  • Alright, here we go. [ Clears throat ]

  • Oh, I forgot to ask.

  • Can I write up some thank-you notes right now?

  • Is that okay? [ Cheering and applause ]

  • [ Pounding ]

  • [ Laughter ] -[ Sings ] No, no, that's alright.

  • -[ Playing tender tune ]

  • -Thank you, Trump's second impeachment,

  • or as Nancy Pelosi put it,

  • rematch!

  • [ Vuvuzela blasts ]

  • [ Applause ]

  • [ Scat singing sea shanty ]

  • ♪♪

  • [ Vuvuzela blasts ]

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -[ Playing tender tune ]

  • -Thank you, ice scrapers,

  • for make me feel like an archeologist

  • uncovering an ancient Ford Focus in Syracuse.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • ♪♪

  • Thank you, iPhone camera roll,

  • for being a collection of my most cherished memories,

  • mixed with hundreds of accidental screenshots

  • of my phone's wallpaper.

  • [ Applause ]

  • ♪♪

  • Thank you, NFL playoffs this weekend,

  • or, as the Bills and the Browns put it,

  • "Hey, we don't know what we're doing here, either."

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • That is cool.

  • ♪♪

  • Thank you, eating oranges,

  • for being 15 minutes of ripping into the peel,

  • one minute of actual eating,

  • and a lifetime of my house smelling like an orange.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • ♪♪

  • Thank you, having to sign receipts.

  • Quick question, though,

  • we all know this doesn't matter, right?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Just playing the game? Cool.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -[ Chuckle ]

  • Johnny Suwa.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • No, pick a funnier name.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • What's a funnier name?

  • -Tango Flannery.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Ted Granson.

  • -Ah...

  • -You got one?

  • -Darris DiBona.

  • -Ah. Pretty cool.

  • Darris DeBona?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -That's another show. -That's Cinema After Dark.

  • Darris...

  • Darris? Darris DeBona. -Darris DeBona.

  • Darris DeBona on Cinemax After Dark.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • In that show, I play four characters.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Actually, we're all in the same scene.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • One of the later episodes.

  • It's a swingers party and...

  • [ Laughter ] the cops come in

  • and I play one of the police officers,

  • as well as one of the swingers,

  • and we have an altercation.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It ends up -- -Altercation?

  • -Yeah. -Okay.

  • -It, uh --

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It's a happy ending.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • ♪♪

  • Thank you, calling someone to wish them a happy birthday,

  • for being a conversation that completely runs out of steam

  • after the first two words.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • So, uh, what else is going on? Oof.

  • ♪♪

  • Thank you, sponges,

  • for letting me wash my dishes

  • with a little bit of yesterday's oatmeal.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • ♪♪

  • Thank you, Taco Bell announcing you'll be selling

  • meatless beef in your tacos,

  • or, as Arby's put it,

  • "Stay in your lane, girl."

  • [ Laughter and applause ] There you go.

  • That's our Thank You Notes!

-Guys, it is Friday, and that's

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Thank You Notes: Trump’s Second Impeachment, NFL Playoffs

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    林宜悉 posted on 2021/01/16
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