Subtitles section Play video
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- Did you know that according
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to "The Hidden Life of Tree,"
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trees actually feel and communicate
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through their complex root systems?
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Trees can be friends.
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Author Peter Wohlleben said that
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sometimes when a tree is cut down to a stump,
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if it has a best friend,
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it can be kept alive for centuries
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because the BFF can provide nutrients
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to the stump's roots.
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That is friendship done right.
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But sometimes trees can be total dicks to each other.
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- Hey, can you stop growing your branches this way?
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It's covering my leaves
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and I can't photosynthesize.
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It's really messing me up.
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- Sorry, not sorry.
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I'm a grower, can't go much slower, you know? (chuckles)
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- Dude, don't be a dick.
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Just split your branches and grow the other way.
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- Bro, you know that winter is coming, okay?
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And I need to get that fat, fat sun supply
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so that I have nutrients for the winter.
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(tense music)
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- Oh my, God.
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Oh there's a deer.
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He's munching.
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Quickly, Quickly.
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- Okay, oh, oh. - Blast a bad taste
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off your branches. - Don't panic.
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Don't panic. - He's definitely
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coming to you next.
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- [All] Okay, okay.
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- Okay. - Okay.
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(tree screams)
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- Okay blessing now.
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Oh my God, Michelle.
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It was really nice knowin' you, dude.
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It was really great knowin' you.
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- Monster.
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- The social and emotional life of a tree
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is like way more complicated than
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I ever gave them credit for.
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And in reading "The Hidden Life of Trees,"
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I thought a lot about my own friendships
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particularly the ones that had gone very wrong. (chuckles)
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I had one friend who like straight up became my enemy.
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- Michelle, did you hear what Anna did?
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- No, what?
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- She told that deer to come eat you?
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- What?
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That is a lie.
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Melissa, why are you lying about me?
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- It's not a lie.
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- Okay Michelle, how would I even talk
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to that deer without you hearing about it?
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(intense music)
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Huh?
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We've been rooted right here
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since we were both seedlings.
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- You communicated through your root system obviously.
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- You are such a Birch.
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Seriously, Michelle, you've got to watch
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out for Birches like these.
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- Did you seriously just make a Birch-tree pun?
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- I'm not proud of it
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But I stand by it.
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Yes.
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An ex-friend of mine basically became an enemy
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after our friendship dissolved.
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She tried to turn all my friends against me.
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She'd send multiple packages to my house.
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She attacked my character.
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It was honestly really traumatic.
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And my therapist said this amazing term
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that I'd never heard before.
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These are bids for chaos.
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Bids for war.
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And the best way to deal
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with bids for chaos and war is indifference.
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Indifference kills.
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Turn off the light.
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Walk out of the room.
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- I'm very familiar with bids for connection
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through John Gottman's work,
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which is a verbal or non-verbal action
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that tries to get your attention.
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And it's indicative of a desire for connection,
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but bids for chaos?
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Bids for war?
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Fascinating.
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I'm not gonna lie.
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You know, when I was in my early 20s
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I had zero idea how to communicate vulnerably
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or deal with feelings.
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So I sent out many bids for war,
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many bids for chaos.
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- Okay fine.
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If you want me to leave, I'll just leave.
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- Fine leave.
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- Okay fine.
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- Fine leave.
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- Okay, I'm leaving.
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- Fine.
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Just leave.
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- Yeah, I'm going.
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I heard you.
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- Fine. Leave.
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- Yeah, I'm leaving now.
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I'm gonna leave.
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- Leave.
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Fine.
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Leave.
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- Yeah I'm gonna go.
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- Fine, leave.
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- Okay I feel like I'm getting mixed messages here.
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Do you want me to leave or not?
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- Oddly enough I was telling a friend about
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this whole situation when it was going down
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and she turned me onto The Grey Rock Method.
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And it's pretty funny.
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So I have to share.
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So grey rocking is a technique
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for interacting with manipulative and abusive people.
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And it can range from dealing with someone who's
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like a legit narcissist or just having to deal
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with someone who has a toxic dynamic with you.
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Ellen Biros, a therapist in Georgia says,
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"This strategy involves becoming the most boring
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"and uninteresting person you can be
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"when interacting with a manipulative person."
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Since people with manipulative personalities feed on drama,
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the duller and more boring you seem,
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the more you undermine their efforts
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to manipulate and control you.
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Hence Grey Rock.
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- Michelle, did you see?
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Melissa dropped like almost all of her leaves
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and there's no way she photosynthesized
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enough for the winter. (laughs)
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- Probably.
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- She is definitely gonna ask us
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to get her through another cold season.
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(groans) Doesn't that make you so mad?
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- Nope, not really.
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- You'll never guess what
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I heard through the root system.
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- No. Guess I wouldn't.
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- Well it's pretty juicy tea.
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- Oh.
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- Michelle, why are you acting weird?
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Michelle?
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Michelle?
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Michelle?
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Hello?
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Michelle.
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I know you can talk, Michelle.
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We've talked our whole lives.
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Michelle?
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Michelle?
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Michelle?
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Grey Rocking is also supposedly a great technique
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to use when you have to see a toxic person on the regular.
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Maybe you're co-parenting.
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Maybe they're your family or a coworker.
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Matt Morissette, a licensed clinical professional counselor,
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also says that grey rocking can help
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when someone you've broken up with
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or turned down for a date
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isn't quite getting the message.
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This technique reminds me a lot of the meme.
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Yes, honey, give us nothing.
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Oh my God I'm living for this lack of energy, baby.
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- Go, girl.
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- Yeah.
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- Look at that face.
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Look at that flat line.
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Flat-line face.
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Flat-line face. - Flat-line face.
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Flat-line face. - Flat-line face.
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Flat-Line face.
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- Grey rocking is about disengaging, disconnecting,
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and offering nada.
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So you can't feed any needs for drama or attention.
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Some people (chuckles) even go as far
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as recommending wearing boring clothes
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and no jewelry to maximize your grey rock.
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Honestly it sounds like a hipster version
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of Zen to me
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and I'm living for it.
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I am being the most boring grey rock
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I can possibly be
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with my friend turned enemy.
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I am stone, except for the fact
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that I'm making this video about it.
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But honestly, after a video we kept
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for like what a decade,
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I have nothing left to talk
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about except stuff that's happening now.
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So we'll see how it goes.
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Here's a bid for content.
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- Can you guess where I'm from?
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- Tree Tokyo?
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(all laugh)
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- No.
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Montree-al.
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- Oh. - Oh.
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- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
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You know my favorite part of history? (chuckles)
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- What?
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- The Industree-al Revolution.
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(trees cheer)
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(horn blares)
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- You know what I want to abolish?
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- What? - What?
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- The patriarchy.
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(crickets chirping)
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- Yeah smash the patriarchy!
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- Tree-archy. - Patriarchy.
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(horn blows)
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I'm Anna Akana and thank you to the patrons
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who supported this video.
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And thank you to Audible for sponsoring today's episode.
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You can visit audible.com/anna
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or text A-N-N-A to 500-500.
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you can get one audio book credit every month.
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of bestsellers, new releases, regardless of price,
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You also get full access to the plus catalog
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and can listen to thousands of included titles.
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I obviously just listened "The Hidden Life of Trees."
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What they feel, how they communicate,
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discoveries from a secret world by Peter Wohlleben.
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And it was fascinating,
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as you can tell by
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the child tree costumes I immediately purchased.
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Now it's really fascinating to me
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because apparently a tree doesn't reach adulthood
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for about a century
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and until then it'll kind of be in its mother's shadow.
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And the mom will control how much sunlight baby tree gets
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so that it can't grow too fast.
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Talk about helicopter parenting.
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You can listen to "The Hidden Life of Trees," or more
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by going to audible.com/anna
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or texting A-N-N-A to 500-500.
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Bye.