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  • -Guys, it is Friday,

  • and that is usually when I take care of some business,

  • you know, get some things done.

  • But the day just got completely --

  • got away from me.

  • I spent all day trying to download

  • the new Goo Goo Dolls album on Napster.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Really?

  • -And I completely forgot

  • to write out my weekly thank-you notes.

  • So now I know it's during the show,

  • and that's bizarre to try to do something,

  • but I really just want -- if you don't mind,

  • I'd take this time right now to write out my thank-you notes.

  • Do you guys mind? Is that cool?

  • [ Cheers and applause ] Thank you so much.

  • [ Clears throat ]

  • James, you can help me out if you can.

  • [ Piano playing ]

  • Thank you, news this week, for turning my dry January

  • into "we tried" January.

  • [ Applause ]

  • Six days.

  • Six days is not bad.

  • [ Piano playing ]

  • Thank you, Ossoff and Warnock, for being Georgia's new senators

  • but sounding like a law firm from "Lord of the Rings."

  • [ Applause ]

  • "Ossoff and Warnock."

  • [ Chuckles ]

  • "We fight for you."

  • [ Piano playing ]

  • Thank you, "Bridgerton," for showing us

  • what the Jonas Brothers would look like in 1814.

  • [ Applause ]

  • [ Chuckles ] [ Piano playing ]

  • I'm giggling 'cause I just thought of something.

  • -[ Laughs ]

  • -These aren't pre-written.

  • I think of it and I just write it.

  • This is all improv.

  • -Of course. -All improv.

  • -Yeah, man. -Yeah.

  • [ Clearing throat ]

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Clearing throat continues ]

  • -Wait, you mean -- -What's that?

  • -You make these up? -What's that?

  • -You make these up? -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

  • I make it up. That's what I mean by improv, yeah.

  • Improvisation is short for improv.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Clearing throat ]

  • [ Clearing throat rhythmically ]

  • [ Music playing ]

  • -We can't play that. -We can't. It's too expensive.

  • Yeah. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

  • -You can clear your throat and do it, though.

  • -Right, okay. -[ Clears throat ]

  • [ Piano playing ]

  • Thanks --

  • Thanks? [ Laughter ]

  • [ Ding ] I was improvising.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That's never happened.

  • -I'm just so relieved you didn't sing that extra note.

  • That's all.

  • -Oh, here we go. [ Laughs ]

  • [ Piano playing ]

  • Thank you, asking someone,

  • "What's your New Year's resolution?"

  • for being an acceptable way to say,

  • "So what do you think is wrong with you?"

  • [ Applause ]

  • [ Piano playing ]

  • Thank you, Mercedes full-dashboard Hyperscreen,

  • for giving me a new and exciting way to rear-end a U-Haul.

  • [ Applause ]

  • Uhh!

  • Was watching "Gangs of London."

  • [ British accent ] What you say, mate?

  • What you say, mate? [ Grunting ]

  • [ Punches thudding ]

  • What's that, mate?

  • Oi, what you say, mate?

  • [ Grunting ] [ Punches thudding ]

  • [ Horn honks ]

  • -You had a car in your knuckles?

  • -[ Normal voice ] Yeah, man.

  • This punch has a car horn.

  • That's why I go like [British accent] Oi, oi.

  • Say that to my face, mate.

  • What? Say it to your face?

  • You're not gonna have a face.

  • [ Punches thudding, horn honking ]

  • [ Normal voice ] Stuff like that.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Piano playing ]

  • Thank you, eating a kale salad,

  • for being two minutes of enjoying the toppings

  • and 30 minutes of chewing a green paper bag.

  • [ Applause ]

  • A lot of work.

  • [ Piano playing ]

  • Thank you, seeing your breath when it's cold out,

  • for making me feel like the world's lamest dragon.

  • [ Applause ]

  • [ Exhales ]

  • [ Imitates squeaking ]

  • [ British accent ] What you doing to me, mate?

  • [ Punches thudding, horn honking ]

  • [ Punches thudding ]

  • [ Horn honks ]

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Piano playing ]

  • [ Normal voice ] Thank you, e-mailing the phrase "just following up,"

  • for really meaning "I know you idiots forgot about this."

  • [ Laughter, applause ]

  • Just following up.

  • -Oh, God.

  • [ Piano playing ]

  • -Thank you, Mountain Dew body pillow,

  • for being a great way to say,

  • "I'm single, but I'm also crazy."

  • There you go. Those are our thank-you notes.

-Guys, it is Friday,

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Thank You Notes: Ossoff and Warnock, Kale Salads

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    林宜悉 posted on 2021/01/11
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