WELCOME TO -- "A LATE SHOW."

I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.

I'M HEAR WITH EVIE HERE TO KICK OFF THE YEAR IN STYLE.

THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.

IT'S GETTING TO BE A VERY SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP AT THIS

POINT.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

2020 IS OVER!

ALL THAT BADNESS IS FINALLY BEHIND US, AND WE'RE OFF TO A

FRESH START WITH A RAGING PANDEMIC, AND A PRESIDENT WHO'S

TRYING TO STEAL THE ELECTION.

TURNS OUT, 2020 IS DROPPING SOME BONUS TRACKS!

CASE IN POINT: YESTERDAY, WE GOT A HOT NEW RECORDING OF A

JAW-DROPPING PHONE CALL BETWEEN THE PRESIDENT AND GEORGIA

SECRETARY OF STATE, AND MAN TAPING A HOSTAGE VIDEO FROM A

LAQUINTA, BRAD RAFFENSPERGER.

AS SECRETARY OF STATE, RAFFENSPERGER OVERSAW GEORGIA'S

PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION, AS WELL AS ITS RECOUNT, AS WELL AS THE

RECOUNT OF THE RECOUNT, EACH OF WHICH VERIFIED THAT BIDEN WON

THE STATE.

SO, SATURDAY, THE PRESIDENT GOT HIM ON THE PHONE TO CONVINCE

HIM THAT NUH-UH!

NOW, BUCKLE UP, BECAUSE THIS CALL IS LIKE IF WATERGATE AND

THE UKRAINE SCANDAL HAD A BABY ON THE "ACCESS HOLLYWOOD"

BUS.

WHEN YOU'RE A STAR, THEY LET YOU.

THE PRESIDENT BEGAN THE CALL WITH HARD DATA: RALLY!

>> IF WE COULD JUST GO OVER SOME OF THE NUMBERS, I THINK IT'S

PRETTY CLEAR THAT WE WON.

WE WON VERY SUBSTANTIALLY IN GEORGIA.

YOU EVEN SEE IT BY RALLY SIZE FRANKLY.

WE'D BE GETTING 25-30,000 PEOPLE A RALLY.

>> STEPHEN: OKAY, THAT IS A LOT OF PEOPLE.

ONE PROBLEM: RALLY SIZE DOES NOT DECIDE AN ELECTION.

THAT'S WHY ON THE 20TH, WE WON'T BE SWEARING IN PRESIDENT BTS.

MY FELLOW AMERICANS, THE STATE OF OUR UNION IS--

♪♪♪ NOT SURE -- I KNOW WHAT THIS IS.

THAT'S A HEART.

THIS IS A HEART, AND THEY DO THAT.

I'VE MET THE GUYS.

VERY NICE.

LOVELY FELLAS.

THEY DON'T DO THIS, THOUGH.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING.

BUT HERE'S THE THING -- HE MAKES A GOOD POINT.

BIDEN, FOR SOME REASON, HELD VERY FEW IN-PERSON RALLIES.

BUT THE PRESIDENT'S EVENTS WERE SO BIG THEY WENT VIRAL!

NOW EVERYONE HAS MAGA FEVER!

EVEN THOUGH THE PRESIDENT KNOWS HE WON, HE ALSO KNEW EXACTLY HOW

MUCH HE LOST: >> THE CURRENT MARGIN IS ONLY

11,779.

SO, LOOK, ALL I WANT TO DO IS THIS: I JUST WANT TO FIND 11,780

VOTES, WHICH IS ONE MORE THAN WE HAVE.

>> Stephen: THAT'S ALL HE WANTS.

HE JUST WANTS THEM TO "FIND" EXACTLY HOW

MANY VOTES HE NEEDS TO WIN BY ONE!

NOTHING FISHY ABOUT THAT.

WHO AMONG US HASN'T FOUND SOMETHING IN AN OLD SUIT POCKET:

"HEY, HONEY!

WHIN'S THE LAST TIME I WORE THIS SUIT?

IT TURNS OUT I'M PRESIDENT!" THE PRESIDENT GOT MORE DESPERATE

FROM THERE: >> SO, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO

HERE FOLKS?

I ONLY NEED 11,000 VOTES.

FELLAS, I NEED 11,000 VOTES.

GIVE ME A BREAK.

>> STEPHEN: OH, YOU'RE GETTING A BREAK ON JANUARY 20!

A LONG ONE!

YOU'LL HAVE PLENTY OF TIME TO FIND THE VOTES!

MAYBE THEY'RE WITH BARACK OBAMA'S LONG-FORM BIRTH

CERTIFICATE.

BUT THE PRESIDENT DID HAVE SOME EVIDENCE: IF BY "SOME" YOU MEAN

"NONE."

>> DO YOU THINK IT'S POSSIBLE THAT THEY SHREDDED BALLOTS IN

FULTON COUNTY?

BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THE RUMOR IS.

>> STEPHEN: SO, THE COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF OF THE UNITED

STATES, A MAN WHO HAS THE WORLD'S GREATEST

INTELLIGENCE APPARATUS AT HIS DISPOSAL, IS NOW JUST CALLING UP

TO GAB ABOUT RUMORS.

THAT EXPLAINS THE NEW PRESIDENTIAL COMMISSION

INVESTIGATING "IF YOU EAT POP ROCKS AND SODA, DOES YOUR

TUMMY EXPLODE?" IT DOES.

IT DOES.

DON'T DO IT, KIDS.

DON'T.

DON'T.

THE PRESIDENT ALSO HAD A CONSPIRACY THEORY ABOUT THE

VOTING MACHINES USED IN GEORGIA MADE BY A COMPANY NAMED

"DOMINION."

>> THAT'S WHAT THE RUMOR IS.

AND ALSO THAT DOMINION TOOK OUT MACHINES.

THAT DOMINION IS REALLY MOVING FAST TO GET RID OF THEIR, UH,

MACHINERY.

DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT?

BECAUSE THAT'S ILLEGAL, RIGHT?

>> THIS IS RYAN GERMANY.

NO, DOMINION HAS NOT MOVED ANY MACHINERY OUT OF FULTON COUNTY.

>> BUT HAVE THEY MOVED THE INNER PARTS OF THE MACHINES AND

REPLACED THEM WITH OTHER PARTS?

>> NO.

>> STEPHEN: IF HE WANTS TO STEAL AN ELECTION, HE REALLY NEEDS TO

SOUND LESS LIKE YOUR GRANDPA COMPLAINING ABOUT HIS PHONE.

"THERE USED TO BE A BUTTON ON THE BOTTOM, NOW IT USES MY FACE.

WHAT DID THEY DO WITH THE BUTTON?

DID THEY HIDE IT WITH THE BALLOTS INSIDE THOSE VOTING

MACHINES?" GOD, I HOPE THEY DON'T HIDE MY

FACE.

NOW, THE PRESIDENT ALSO RE-UPPED THE THEORY THAT DEAD PEOPLE

VOTED, AND RAFFENSPERGER HIT HIM WITH A REAL-TIME FACT CHECK:

>> THE OTHER THING, DEAD PEOPLE.

SO, DEAD PEOPLE VOTED, AND I THINK THE NUMBER IS CLOSE TO

5,000 PEOPLE.

>> THE ACTUAL NUMBER WERE TWO.

TWO.

TWO PEOPLE THAT WERE DEAD THAT VOTED.

SO, THAT'S WRONG.

>> STEPHEN: YEAH, THAT'S A PRETTY BIG DIFFERENCE.

IMAGINE IF "THE SIXTH SENSE" WENT LIKE THIS:

>> I SEE DEAD PEOPLE-- BUT JUST TWO!

>> STEPHEN: RAFFENSPERGER ALSO CAUTIONED THE PRESIDENT NOT TO

BELIEVE EVERYTHING HE READS ON THE INTERNET:

>> MR. PRESIDENT, THE PROBLEM YOU HAVE WITH SOCIAL MEDIA,

THEY-- PEOPLE CAN SAY ANYTHING.

>> OH, THIS ISN'T SOCIAL MEDIA.

THIS IS TRUMP MEDIA.

>> STEPHEN: YEAH, HE'S NOT GETTING IT FROM SOCIAL MEDIA!

HE'S GETTING IT FROM RELIABLE SOURCES, LIKE

EAGLE-FLUFFER[email protected]PARLER.BIZ!

EAGLE FLUFFER HAS SOME SHOCKING REVELATIONS.

( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE RAFFENSPERGER SEEMED

HESITANT TO UNDERMINE DEMOCRACY, THE PRESIDENT GAVE HIM SOME P.R.

ADVICE.

>> THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH SAYING, YOU KNOW, UM, THAT

YOU'VE RECALCULATED.

>> STEPHEN: YES, STEALING AND RECALCULATING ARE TOTALLY

DIFFERENT!

JUST LIKE THAT SCENE IN "PULP FICTION!"

>> EVERYBODY BE COOL, THIS IS A RECALCULATION.

>> STEPHEN: AT ONE POINT, THE PRESIDENT GOT SO DESPERATE

HE EVEN RESORTED TO FLATTERY WITH RAFFENSPERGER'S LAWYER,

RYAN GERMANY.

>> WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO FIND THIS, RYAN?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

I HEARD YOUR LAWYER IS VERY DIFFICULT, ACTUALLY, BUT I'M

SURE YOU'RE A GOOD LAWYER.

YOU HAVE A NICE LAST NAME.

>> STEPHEN: FIRST OF ALL, I'LL REMIND YOU, THE GUY'S NAME IS

"GERMANY."

THE PRESIDENT, OF COURSE, IS A BIG FAN OF GERMANY.

HE BELIEVES THERE WERE VERY FINE LAWYERS ON BOTH SIDES.

SECONDLY, HE EVIDENTLY THINKS YOU'RE GOOD AT YOUR JOB IF YOUR

NAME IS SOMETHING HE LIKES.

EXPLAINS WHY HIS NEW PHYSICIAN IS DR. ONIONRINGS MCJIGGLEJUGGZ,

M. DOUBLE-D.

THROUGHOUT THE CALL, RAFFENSPERGER AND GERMANY WERE

EXTREMELY PATIENT WITH THE SAD LOSER.

AT ONE POINT, GERMANY TRIED TO EXPLAIN THAT PEOPLE WHO HAD

MOVED OUT OF GEORGIA WERE, IN FACT, LEGALLY VOTING IN THE

STATE, FOR A VERY SIMPLE REASON: >> EVERY ONE WE'VE BEEN THROUGH

ARE PEOPLE THAT LIVED IN GEORGIA, MOVED TO A DIFFERENT

STATE, BUT THEN MOVED BACK TO GEORGIA LEGITIMATELY.

AND IN MANY CASES-- >> HOW MAY PEOPLE DO THAT?

THEY MOVED OUT, AND THEN THEY SAID, "AH, TO HELL WITH IT, I'LL

MOVE BACK."

YOU KNOW, IT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE A VERY NORMAL-- YOU MEAN, THEY

MOVED OUT, AND WHAT, THEY MISSED IT SO MUCH THAT THEY

WANTED TO MOVE BACK IN?

IT'S CRAZY.

>> STEPHEN: IT'S NOT CRAZY.

IT'S VERY NICE THERE!

PEOPLE GO BACK TO GEORGIA.

IN FACT, THEY'RE KIND OF KNOWN FOR IT!

OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD, I CAN THINK OF AT LEAST THREE SONGS

ABOUT PEOPLE MOVING BACK TO GEORGIA: "GEORGIA ON MY MIND,"

"MIDNIGHT TRAIN TO GEORGIA," AND "WALKIN' BACK TO GEORGIA."

HE DIDN'T WAIT FOR THE TRAIN.

HE WALKED!

THAT'S NOT EVEN MENTIONING "THE DEVIL WENT DOWN TO GEORGIA."

AND I'M SURE YOU'RE SAYING, "STEPHEN, SURE, THE DEVIL WENT

DOWN TO GEORGIA, BUT HE DIDN'T COME BACK TO GEORGIA."

OH, REALLY?

TELL THAT TO THE ACTUAL 1993 SEQUEL, FEATURING CHARLIE

DANIELS, "THE DEVIL COMES BACK TO GEORGIA."

HE MOVED BACK TO SAVANNAH SO HE COULD VOTE FOR BIDEN.

YEAH, HE'S THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS, BUT HE'S VERY

CONCERNED ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING.

IF THE EARTH'S ALREADY ON FIRE HELL IS NOT GOING TO SEEM THAT

IMPRESSIVE.

WHEN THE PRESIDENT'S CHARM DIDN'T MOVE RAFFENSPERGER, HE

SWITCHED TO EXTORTION THREATENING GEORGIA'S SECRETARY

OF STATE WITH PROSECUTION IF HE AND HIS LAWYER DIDN'T GIVE IN:

>> YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DID AND YOU'RE NOT REPORTING IT.

THAT'S A-- THAT'S A CRIMINAL OFFENSE.

AND, YOU KNOW, YOU CAN'T LET THAT HAPPEN.

THAT'S A BIG RISK TO YOU AND TO RYAN, YOUR LAWYER.

THAT'S A BIG RISK.

>> STEPHEN: THAT IS A BIG RISK.

YOU COULD END UP BEING THE PRESIDENT'S CELLMATE.

BECAUSE THIS CALL IS PROBABLY ILLEGAL.

A FORMER JUSTICE DEPARTMENT INSPECTOR GENERAL TWEETED,

"UNLESS THERE ARE PORTIONS OF THE TAPE THAT SOMEHOW NEGATE

CRIMINAL INTENT, 'I JUST WANT TO FIND 11,780 VOTES' AND HIS

THREATS AGAINST RAFFENSPERGER AND HIS COUNSEL VIOLATE 52 U.S.

CODE 20511."

ADDING, "HIS BEST DEFENSE WOULD BE INSANITY."

GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

MAY I PRESENT EXHIBIT A: >> PERSON, WOMAN, MAN, CAMERA,

TV.

>> STEPHEN: PERFECTLY SANE.

SO, POTUS IS DESPERATE TO HOLD ON TO HIS JOB, WHICH IS-- I'M

NOT SURE EXACTLY.

IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE HE'S DONE IT.

TODAY HIS ACTUAL PUBLIC SCHEDULE READS, "THE PRESIDENT WILL WORK

FROM EARLY IN THE MORNING UNTIL LATE IN THE EVENING.

HE WILL MAKE MANY CALLS AND HAVE MANY MEETINGS."

THAT READS LIKE WHAT A TODDLER THINKS THE PRESIDENT DOES.

"TUESDAY, JANUARY 5.

I WILL MAKE MANY CALLS AND MEETINGS, WEAR A DADDY SUIT

USE THE BIG BOY POTTY-- TWICE-- I AM SMART AND STRONG AND HAVE

THE NUCLEAR CODES."

LISTENING TO THIS CALL REALLY MAKES YOU FEEL FOR GUYS ON THE

RECEIVING END.

I'M GUESSING HE KNEW WHAT WAS COMING BECAUSE BEFORE THEY

FINALLY CONNECTED ON SATURDAY THE WHITE HOUSE MADE 18 ATTEMPTS

TO CALL HIM.

"A LATE SHOW" HAS REQUIRED AUDIO OF THE PRESIDENT'S FIRST 17

CALLS TO RAFFENSPERGER.

( RINGING ) >> YOU'VE REACHED GEORGIA

SECRETARY OF STATE BRADDED RAFFENSPERGER.

PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE AT THE BEEP.

>> HELLO, BRAD.

THIS IS DONALD TRUMP.

I JUST WANT TO FIND 11,780 VOTES.

CALL ME BACK.

( BEEPING ) BRAD, GUESS WHO.

DEAD PEOPLE VOTED.

ME -- AGAIN.

PICK UP, PICK UP, PICK UP.

HELLO, THIS IS BIG JIM -- ARE YOU THERE?

( BEEPING ) I DON'T LIKE YOU.

YOU'RE A LOSER.

CALL ME.

PERSON, WOMAN, MAN, CAMERA -- BRAD -- PICK UP THE PHONE --

THIS IS DONALD -- >> THE MAILBOX YOU'RE TRYING TO

REACH IS FULL -- OF CRAP.

>> Stephen: WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

MY GUESTS ARE STACEY ABRAMS AND RuPAUL.

STICK AROUND.

♪ ♪