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  • >> Stephen: HELLO, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

  • WELCOME TO -- "A LATE SHOW."

  • I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • I'M HEAR WITH EVIE HERE TO KICK OFF THE YEAR IN STYLE.

  • THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.

  • IT'S GETTING TO BE A VERY SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP AT THIS

  • POINT.

  • HAPPY NEW YEAR!

  • 2020 IS OVER!

  • ALL THAT BADNESS IS FINALLY BEHIND US, AND WE'RE OFF TO A

  • FRESH START WITH A RAGING PANDEMIC, AND A PRESIDENT WHO'S

  • TRYING TO STEAL THE ELECTION.

  • TURNS OUT, 2020 IS DROPPING SOME BONUS TRACKS!

  • CASE IN POINT: YESTERDAY, WE GOT A HOT NEW RECORDING OF A

  • JAW-DROPPING PHONE CALL BETWEEN THE PRESIDENT AND GEORGIA

  • SECRETARY OF STATE, AND MAN TAPING A HOSTAGE VIDEO FROM A

  • LAQUINTA, BRAD RAFFENSPERGER.

  • AS SECRETARY OF STATE, RAFFENSPERGER OVERSAW GEORGIA'S

  • PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION, AS WELL AS ITS RECOUNT, AS WELL AS THE

  • RECOUNT OF THE RECOUNT, EACH OF WHICH VERIFIED THAT BIDEN WON

  • THE STATE.

  • SO, SATURDAY, THE PRESIDENT GOT HIM ON THE PHONE TO CONVINCE

  • HIM THAT NUH-UH!

  • NOW, BUCKLE UP, BECAUSE THIS CALL IS LIKE IF WATERGATE AND

  • THE UKRAINE SCANDAL HAD A BABY ON THE "ACCESS HOLLYWOOD"

  • BUS.

  • WHEN YOU'RE A STAR, THEY LET YOU.

  • THE PRESIDENT BEGAN THE CALL WITH HARD DATA: RALLY!

  • >> IF WE COULD JUST GO OVER SOME OF THE NUMBERS, I THINK IT'S

  • PRETTY CLEAR THAT WE WON.

  • WE WON VERY SUBSTANTIALLY IN GEORGIA.

  • YOU EVEN SEE IT BY RALLY SIZE FRANKLY.

  • WE'D BE GETTING 25-30,000 PEOPLE A RALLY.

  • >> STEPHEN: OKAY, THAT IS A LOT OF PEOPLE.

  • ONE PROBLEM: RALLY SIZE DOES NOT DECIDE AN ELECTION.

  • THAT'S WHY ON THE 20TH, WE WON'T BE SWEARING IN PRESIDENT BTS.

  • MY FELLOW AMERICANS, THE STATE OF OUR UNION IS--

  • ♪♪♪ NOT SURE -- I KNOW WHAT THIS IS.

  • THAT'S A HEART.

  • THIS IS A HEART, AND THEY DO THAT.

  • I'VE MET THE GUYS.

  • VERY NICE.

  • LOVELY FELLAS.

  • THEY DON'T DO THIS, THOUGH.

  • I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING.

  • BUT HERE'S THE THING -- HE MAKES A GOOD POINT.

  • BIDEN, FOR SOME REASON, HELD VERY FEW IN-PERSON RALLIES.

  • BUT THE PRESIDENT'S EVENTS WERE SO BIG THEY WENT VIRAL!

  • NOW EVERYONE HAS MAGA FEVER!

  • EVEN THOUGH THE PRESIDENT KNOWS HE WON, HE ALSO KNEW EXACTLY HOW

  • MUCH HE LOST: >> THE CURRENT MARGIN IS ONLY

  • 11,779.

  • SO, LOOK, ALL I WANT TO DO IS THIS: I JUST WANT TO FIND 11,780

  • VOTES, WHICH IS ONE MORE THAN WE HAVE.

  • >> Stephen: THAT'S ALL HE WANTS.

  • HE JUST WANTS THEM TO "FIND" EXACTLY HOW

  • MANY VOTES HE NEEDS TO WIN BY ONE!

  • NOTHING FISHY ABOUT THAT.

  • WHO AMONG US HASN'T FOUND SOMETHING IN AN OLD SUIT POCKET:

  • "HEY, HONEY!

  • WHIN'S THE LAST TIME I WORE THIS SUIT?

  • IT TURNS OUT I'M PRESIDENT!" THE PRESIDENT GOT MORE DESPERATE

  • FROM THERE: >> SO, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO

  • HERE FOLKS?

  • I ONLY NEED 11,000 VOTES.

  • FELLAS, I NEED 11,000 VOTES.

  • GIVE ME A BREAK.

  • >> STEPHEN: OH, YOU'RE GETTING A BREAK ON JANUARY 20!

  • A LONG ONE!

  • YOU'LL HAVE PLENTY OF TIME TO FIND THE VOTES!

  • MAYBE THEY'RE WITH BARACK OBAMA'S LONG-FORM BIRTH

  • CERTIFICATE.

  • BUT THE PRESIDENT DID HAVE SOME EVIDENCE: IF BY "SOME" YOU MEAN

  • "NONE."

  • >> DO YOU THINK IT'S POSSIBLE THAT THEY SHREDDED BALLOTS IN

  • FULTON COUNTY?

  • BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT THE RUMOR IS.

  • >> STEPHEN: SO, THE COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF OF THE UNITED

  • STATES, A MAN WHO HAS THE WORLD'S GREATEST

  • INTELLIGENCE APPARATUS AT HIS DISPOSAL, IS NOW JUST CALLING UP

  • TO GAB ABOUT RUMORS.

  • THAT EXPLAINS THE NEW PRESIDENTIAL COMMISSION

  • INVESTIGATING "IF YOU EAT POP ROCKS AND SODA, DOES YOUR

  • TUMMY EXPLODE?" IT DOES.

  • IT DOES.

  • DON'T DO IT, KIDS.

  • DON'T.

  • DON'T.

  • THE PRESIDENT ALSO HAD A CONSPIRACY THEORY ABOUT THE

  • VOTING MACHINES USED IN GEORGIA MADE BY A COMPANY NAMED

  • "DOMINION."

  • >> THAT'S WHAT THE RUMOR IS.

  • AND ALSO THAT DOMINION TOOK OUT MACHINES.

  • THAT DOMINION IS REALLY MOVING FAST TO GET RID OF THEIR, UH,

  • MACHINERY.

  • DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT?

  • BECAUSE THAT'S ILLEGAL, RIGHT?

  • >> THIS IS RYAN GERMANY.

  • NO, DOMINION HAS NOT MOVED ANY MACHINERY OUT OF FULTON COUNTY.

  • >> BUT HAVE THEY MOVED THE INNER PARTS OF THE MACHINES AND

  • REPLACED THEM WITH OTHER PARTS?

  • >> NO.

  • >> STEPHEN: IF HE WANTS TO STEAL AN ELECTION, HE REALLY NEEDS TO

  • SOUND LESS LIKE YOUR GRANDPA COMPLAINING ABOUT HIS PHONE.

  • "THERE USED TO BE A BUTTON ON THE BOTTOM, NOW IT USES MY FACE.

  • WHAT DID THEY DO WITH THE BUTTON?

  • DID THEY HIDE IT WITH THE BALLOTS INSIDE THOSE VOTING

  • MACHINES?" GOD, I HOPE THEY DON'T HIDE MY

  • FACE.

  • NOW, THE PRESIDENT ALSO RE-UPPED THE THEORY THAT DEAD PEOPLE

  • VOTED, AND RAFFENSPERGER HIT HIM WITH A REAL-TIME FACT CHECK:

  • >> THE OTHER THING, DEAD PEOPLE.

  • SO, DEAD PEOPLE VOTED, AND I THINK THE NUMBER IS CLOSE TO

  • 5,000 PEOPLE.

  • >> THE ACTUAL NUMBER WERE TWO.

  • TWO.

  • TWO PEOPLE THAT WERE DEAD THAT VOTED.

  • SO, THAT'S WRONG.

  • >> STEPHEN: YEAH, THAT'S A PRETTY BIG DIFFERENCE.

  • IMAGINE IF "THE SIXTH SENSE" WENT LIKE THIS:

  • >> I SEE DEAD PEOPLE-- BUT JUST TWO!

  • >> STEPHEN: RAFFENSPERGER ALSO CAUTIONED THE PRESIDENT NOT TO

  • BELIEVE EVERYTHING HE READS ON THE INTERNET:

  • >> MR. PRESIDENT, THE PROBLEM YOU HAVE WITH SOCIAL MEDIA,

  • THEY-- PEOPLE CAN SAY ANYTHING.

  • >> OH, THIS ISN'T SOCIAL MEDIA.

  • THIS IS TRUMP MEDIA.

  • >> STEPHEN: YEAH, HE'S NOT GETTING IT FROM SOCIAL MEDIA!

  • HE'S GETTING IT FROM RELIABLE SOURCES, LIKE

  • EAGLE-FLUFFER[email protected]PARLER.BIZ!

  • EAGLE FLUFFER HAS SOME SHOCKING REVELATIONS.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE RAFFENSPERGER SEEMED

  • HESITANT TO UNDERMINE DEMOCRACY, THE PRESIDENT GAVE HIM SOME P.R.

  • ADVICE.

  • >> THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH SAYING, YOU KNOW, UM, THAT

  • YOU'VE RECALCULATED.

  • >> STEPHEN: YES, STEALING AND RECALCULATING ARE TOTALLY

  • DIFFERENT!

  • JUST LIKE THAT SCENE IN "PULP FICTION!"

  • >> EVERYBODY BE COOL, THIS IS A RECALCULATION.

  • >> STEPHEN: AT ONE POINT, THE PRESIDENT GOT SO DESPERATE

  • HE EVEN RESORTED TO FLATTERY WITH RAFFENSPERGER'S LAWYER,

  • RYAN GERMANY.

  • >> WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO FIND THIS, RYAN?

  • WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

  • I HEARD YOUR LAWYER IS VERY DIFFICULT, ACTUALLY, BUT I'M

  • SURE YOU'RE A GOOD LAWYER.

  • YOU HAVE A NICE LAST NAME.

  • >> STEPHEN: FIRST OF ALL, I'LL REMIND YOU, THE GUY'S NAME IS

  • "GERMANY."

  • THE PRESIDENT, OF COURSE, IS A BIG FAN OF GERMANY.

  • HE BELIEVES THERE WERE VERY FINE LAWYERS ON BOTH SIDES.

  • SECONDLY, HE EVIDENTLY THINKS YOU'RE GOOD AT YOUR JOB IF YOUR

  • NAME IS SOMETHING HE LIKES.

  • EXPLAINS WHY HIS NEW PHYSICIAN IS DR. ONIONRINGS MCJIGGLEJUGGZ,

  • M. DOUBLE-D.

  • THROUGHOUT THE CALL, RAFFENSPERGER AND GERMANY WERE

  • EXTREMELY PATIENT WITH THE SAD LOSER.

  • AT ONE POINT, GERMANY TRIED TO EXPLAIN THAT PEOPLE WHO HAD

  • MOVED OUT OF GEORGIA WERE, IN FACT, LEGALLY VOTING IN THE

  • STATE, FOR A VERY SIMPLE REASON: >> EVERY ONE WE'VE BEEN THROUGH

  • ARE PEOPLE THAT LIVED IN GEORGIA, MOVED TO A DIFFERENT

  • STATE, BUT THEN MOVED BACK TO GEORGIA LEGITIMATELY.

  • AND IN MANY CASES-- >> HOW MAY PEOPLE DO THAT?

  • THEY MOVED OUT, AND THEN THEY SAID, "AH, TO HELL WITH IT, I'LL

  • MOVE BACK."

  • YOU KNOW, IT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE A VERY NORMAL-- YOU MEAN, THEY

  • MOVED OUT, AND WHAT, THEY MISSED IT SO MUCH THAT THEY

  • WANTED TO MOVE BACK IN?

  • IT'S CRAZY.

  • >> STEPHEN: IT'S NOT CRAZY.

  • IT'S VERY NICE THERE!

  • PEOPLE GO BACK TO GEORGIA.

  • IN FACT, THEY'RE KIND OF KNOWN FOR IT!

  • OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD, I CAN THINK OF AT LEAST THREE SONGS

  • ABOUT PEOPLE MOVING BACK TO GEORGIA: "GEORGIA ON MY MIND,"

  • "MIDNIGHT TRAIN TO GEORGIA," AND "WALKIN' BACK TO GEORGIA."

  • HE DIDN'T WAIT FOR THE TRAIN.

  • HE WALKED!

  • THAT'S NOT EVEN MENTIONING "THE DEVIL WENT DOWN TO GEORGIA."

  • AND I'M SURE YOU'RE SAYING, "STEPHEN, SURE, THE DEVIL WENT

  • DOWN TO GEORGIA, BUT HE DIDN'T COME BACK TO GEORGIA."

  • OH, REALLY?

  • TELL THAT TO THE ACTUAL 1993 SEQUEL, FEATURING CHARLIE

  • DANIELS, "THE DEVIL COMES BACK TO GEORGIA."

  • HE MOVED BACK TO SAVANNAH SO HE COULD VOTE FOR BIDEN.

  • YEAH, HE'S THE PRINCE OF DARKNESS, BUT HE'S VERY

  • CONCERNED ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING.

  • IF THE EARTH'S ALREADY ON FIRE HELL IS NOT GOING TO SEEM THAT

  • IMPRESSIVE.

  • WHEN THE PRESIDENT'S CHARM DIDN'T MOVE RAFFENSPERGER, HE

  • SWITCHED TO EXTORTION THREATENING GEORGIA'S SECRETARY

  • OF STATE WITH PROSECUTION IF HE AND HIS LAWYER DIDN'T GIVE IN:

  • >> YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DID AND YOU'RE NOT REPORTING IT.

  • THAT'S A-- THAT'S A CRIMINAL OFFENSE.

  • AND, YOU KNOW, YOU CAN'T LET THAT HAPPEN.

  • THAT'S A BIG RISK TO YOU AND TO RYAN, YOUR LAWYER.

  • THAT'S A BIG RISK.

  • >> STEPHEN: THAT IS A BIG RISK.

  • YOU COULD END UP BEING THE PRESIDENT'S CELLMATE.

  • BECAUSE THIS CALL IS PROBABLY ILLEGAL.

  • A FORMER JUSTICE DEPARTMENT INSPECTOR GENERAL TWEETED,

  • "UNLESS THERE ARE PORTIONS OF THE TAPE THAT SOMEHOW NEGATE

  • CRIMINAL INTENT, 'I JUST WANT TO FIND 11,780 VOTES' AND HIS

  • THREATS AGAINST RAFFENSPERGER AND HIS COUNSEL VIOLATE 52 U.S.

  • CODE 20511."

  • ADDING, "HIS BEST DEFENSE WOULD BE INSANITY."

  • GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

  • MAY I PRESENT EXHIBIT A: >> PERSON, WOMAN, MAN, CAMERA,

  • TV.

  • >> STEPHEN: PERFECTLY SANE.

  • SO, POTUS IS DESPERATE TO HOLD ON TO HIS JOB, WHICH IS-- I'M

  • NOT SURE EXACTLY.

  • IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE HE'S DONE IT.

  • TODAY HIS ACTUAL PUBLIC SCHEDULE READS, "THE PRESIDENT WILL WORK

  • FROM EARLY IN THE MORNING UNTIL LATE IN THE EVENING.

  • HE WILL MAKE MANY CALLS AND HAVE MANY MEETINGS."

  • THAT READS LIKE WHAT A TODDLER THINKS THE PRESIDENT DOES.

  • "TUESDAY, JANUARY 5.

  • I WILL MAKE MANY CALLS AND MEETINGS, WEAR A DADDY SUIT

  • USE THE BIG BOY POTTY-- TWICE-- I AM SMART AND STRONG AND HAVE

  • THE NUCLEAR CODES."

  • LISTENING TO THIS CALL REALLY MAKES YOU FEEL FOR GUYS ON THE

  • RECEIVING END.

  • I'M GUESSING HE KNEW WHAT WAS COMING BECAUSE BEFORE THEY

  • FINALLY CONNECTED ON SATURDAY THE WHITE HOUSE MADE 18 ATTEMPTS

  • TO CALL HIM.

  • "A LATE SHOW" HAS REQUIRED AUDIO OF THE PRESIDENT'S FIRST 17

  • CALLS TO RAFFENSPERGER.

  • ( RINGING ) >> YOU'VE REACHED GEORGIA

  • SECRETARY OF STATE BRADDED RAFFENSPERGER.

  • PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE AT THE BEEP.

  • >> HELLO, BRAD.

  • THIS IS DONALD TRUMP.

  • I JUST WANT TO FIND 11,780 VOTES.

  • CALL ME BACK.

  • ( BEEPING ) BRAD, GUESS WHO.

  • DEAD PEOPLE VOTED.

  • ME -- AGAIN.

  • PICK UP, PICK UP, PICK UP.

  • HELLO, THIS IS BIG JIM -- ARE YOU THERE?

  • ( BEEPING ) I DON'T LIKE YOU.

  • YOU'RE A LOSER.

  • CALL ME.

  • PERSON, WOMAN, MAN, CAMERA -- BRAD -- PICK UP THE PHONE --

  • THIS IS DONALD -- >> THE MAILBOX YOU'RE TRYING TO

  • REACH IS FULL -- OF CRAP.

  • >> Stephen: WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

  • MY GUESTS ARE STACEY ABRAMS AND RuPAUL.

  • STICK AROUND.

  • ♪ ♪

>> Stephen: HELLO, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!