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- I think of myself as brave.
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The Sorting Hat even acknowledged I was.
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- Ah, what bravery.
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You'd be great in Gryffindor. - Nope, Slytherin.
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- Are you sure?
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You'd fit right in. - Listen,
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you dusty old headpiece.
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I look fantastic in emerald green
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and I was born in 1989,
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which is the year of the snake,
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so I am Slytherin and Slytherin only.
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- Yeah, I think you just proved your point.
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Slytherin!
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- And I gave birth to the most courageous creature
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to grace this earth.
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(grunting and moaning)
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- One more push. - You can do it, baby.
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You can do it.
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You've got this. (yelling)
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- His back left leg is detached from his hip,
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he's prone to bladder infections,
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and he's got an enlarged heart
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that will require years of medical attention.
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- Oh.
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- Oh my God he's beautiful.
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What should we name him?
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- His name is Congress.
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Congress The Brave.
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That's his full name, and don't you forget it.
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My point is I pride myself
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on identifying as a brave person.
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And even if I'm afraid, I usually take that as a sign
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that I should go and do it anyway to be courageous.
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I mean, I did stand up for like a decade,
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which I think you know takes a lot of balls
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to get up on stage and make a total fool of yourself.
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I'm Japanese Hawaiian so I'm historically self-destructive.
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(audience moaning and groaning)
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Wow, too soon.
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I didn't think that joke would bomb.
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- Oh my God, geez.
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- Get off the stage. - Get off the,
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yeah, go away.
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- Okay, all right, tough crowd.
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But no matter how brave we are,
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I have found that there's one question
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we are terrified to ask
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when we're emotionally invested in the answer.
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It makes us feel so vulnerable,
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so open to hurt, so terrified and paralyzed,
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and it is.
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- So like, what are we?
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(monitor beeping)
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- Scalpel.
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- What are you looking for?
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(laughing)
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- Doc, where do you see this going?
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Where are we headed?
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What does our future look like?
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- Gigawatts.
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- New connection and intimacy leaves us so vulnerable
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to disappointment and hurt and rejection.
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So I met someone I really like,
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I thought he was great at talking about trauma.
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And we had all these great conversations.
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He had a great sense of humor.
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And he seemed to be emotionally available,
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consistent, reliable, and responsive,
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which are the telltale signs of secure attachment.
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Hey, gold flags, anyone?
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But I am a preoccupied anxious attachment baby girl,
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which means that when I meet someone
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and I can see it going somewhere
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I am now just riddled with full blown anxiety
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and fear of abandonment.
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And it triggers all of my deepest insecurities.
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I was having a panic attack with my therapist,
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and she said.
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- What do you think about just asking him
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where he sees this going?
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Or if he's looking for a committed relationship?
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- No, absolutely not.
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No, I don't wanna do that.
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What is wrong with you?
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- Well, maybe-
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- Do you want me to die?
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And if you're like me and this stage of intimacy
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makes you wanna throw up in your mouth,
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then swallow it back down 'cause you're a champ,
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I'll relay what the Oracle says.
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- Having this level of open communication
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about what you need to feel safe,
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in this case knowing where something is headed,
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knowing what's on the table, knowing how someone feels,
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that's important for the kind of
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committed relationship you're looking for.
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And the way that someone responds to that
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is going to inform you of so much.
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Because if they say-
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- I'm looking for someone who will give me
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all the emotional and physical benefits of a girlfriend
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without me having any accountability or responsibility
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to show up as a partner.
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- That's gonna tell you a lot.
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Alternatively, they may say something that you wanna hear.
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- I'm just looking for someone who will
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go to the courthouse with me right now,
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lock it down, turn it around,
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put a ring and a dress on it, baby girl.
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- I don't know, that's a little too soon.
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- Something along those lines.
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Either way, I know it's terrifying to ask for what you need,
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but that's what this question is.
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It's getting information you need
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so you can find the committed relationship
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you're looking for.
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- And look, yeah, it's disgusting and terrifying.
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And I wanna shrivel up and die just thinking about it,
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but I did it.
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I did it.
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I had written this video before I was gonna do it.
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And then I did it.
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And I didn't get the answer I wanted.
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It sucks.
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But now I don't have to waste my time and energy
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on someone who doesn't deserve me in their life,
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or that's what my therapist says anyway.
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I'll try to believe it.
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Anyway, yeah, good luck with this question yourself.
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I'm Anna Akana, and thank you to the patrons
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who supported today's video
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and thank you to NordVPN
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for sponsoring today's episode.
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As you guys may remember from my
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Instagram Story meltdowns last month,
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I was in Canada to film a show,
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and because of COVID I had to quarantine for two weeks alone
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and then stay there for the entire duration of filming.
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Happy New Year, even though we all died in March
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and 2020's gonna live on.