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  • Thank you very, very much.

  • Oh gosh.

  • It is, it's wonderful to be here.

  • I was actually just in New York.

  • You ever hail a cab just to stop it from hitting you?

  • (audience laughs)

  • Never know what to tip those guys.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Big week in my apartment building this week.

  • Very big week.

  • The phone book arrived.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Yeah, thank god.

  • (audience laughs)

  • I don't know how I was getting by without the phone book.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Open the door, it was staring up at me from the floor like,

  • here, we printed a portion of the internet

  • for you to throw away.

  • (audience laughs)

  • It's a lot of fun to tell jokes.

  • (audience laughs)

  • I'm just so glad I'm not a magician.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Have you taken a moment today

  • to be grateful that you're not a magician?

  • (audience laughs)

  • There's so much pressure.

  • Comedy audiences come out to have a good time.

  • Magic is the only kind of entertainment

  • where 90% of the crowd is trying to ruin it for themselves.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Go to a magic show just to see

  • if close-minded threatened dudes just like, nope.

  • (audience laughs)

  • No way, that ain't possible.

  • Mirror.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Some sort of mirror.

  • You ain't sawing her in half.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Like, yeah you did it.

  • You proved what none of us were trying to prove.

  • (audience laughs)

  • The boy onstage is not actually a wizard.

  • (audience laughs)

  • And it's always dudes who,

  • mirror, no, no way.

  • Girls are into it.

  • They're like, there is something more.

  • (audience laughs)

  • That's how you should be.

  • That's how I am, I love magic.

  • Look at my friendly open face.

  • (audience laughs)

  • I sit in the front row, do I volunteer?

  • You're damn right I volunteer.

  • (audience laughs)

  • A magician drops his fake thumb,

  • I didn't see nothin', I wanna believe.

  • (audience laughs)

  • I live in a non-magic world all day.

  • Make it magic.

  • (audience laughs)

  • I was at a show recently where I saw a man fly.

  • Listen to me.

  • I didn't misspeak.

  • A man, a wingless mammal took flight.

  • (audience laughs)

  • You're not thinking, imagine if I flew right now.

  • (audience laughs)

  • If I could figure out the muscle in my butt

  • that I need to flex, it's working, and I just took off.

  • (audience laughs)

  • And I flew above the audience,

  • picked some of you up with me, we flew around.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Best night of our lives.

  • (audience laughs)

  • And I saw this.

  • And suddenly, I'm eight again and I'm filled with majesty.

  • And a guy next to me, I don't know this guy,

  • who's this guy?

  • Leans over me and goes, it's a magnet.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Magnet, he can't fly, magnet.

  • (audience laughs)

  • First of all, shut your mouth and enjoy the show.

  • Second of all, that explains nothing.

  • (audience laughs)

  • What does that mean?

  • He stuffs his pocket with magnets?

  • The stage is a magnet?

  • That would look terrible.

  • (audience laughs)

  • I think those are just two things he doesn't understand.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Like, I don't get magnets and I don't get this.

  • (audience laughs)

  • This is magnets.

  • (audience laughs)

  • One time I had two pieces of metal, they wouldn't touch,

  • then I flipped one, then they would.

  • That's how he flies.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Must be very frustrating too for the magician

  • 'cause there's no noise to make

  • when you see a magic trick for the audience.

  • With comedy, it's very rewarding

  • 'cause there's a built-in biological response,

  • which is laughter.

  • But with magic there's nothing.

  • You can see the best trick in the world,

  • whatever noise you make sounds condescending and fake.

  • (audience laughs)

  • He can be like, okay Pete what was you card?

  • You can tell me.

  • Tell us now, what was your card?

  • It was the three of clubs, okay yeah.

  • And you signed it?

  • Is that right, you signed it?

  • Yeah, okay.

  • And then you put it in this barrel of fire, is that correct?

  • (audience laughs)

  • We all watched as you placed it in a barrel of fire, yeah.

  • And the whole time I was blindfolded,

  • upside down in a tank of water, is that correct?

  • (audience laughs)

  • Yeah, it's back, three of clubs.

  • (audience laughs)

  • And now it's all on you and you just have to be like ooh.

  • (audience laughs)

  • How?

  • (audience laughs)

  • Not what I expected.

  • (audience laughs)

  • It must suck.

  • I bet it's the dream of every magician in the world

  • that there would be some sort of

  • involuntary knee-jerk response to seeing magic.

  • That they would be like, the tiger was over here.

  • (air blows)

  • Voila, it's over here.

  • And people would just be like,

  • (Pete screams)

  • (audience laughs)

  • (Pete screams)

  • Oh magic.

  • (audience claps)

  • I love your magic.

  • You don't wanna make this noise,

  • you have to make this noise.

  • (Pete screams)

  • (audience laughs)

  • Then there are people that don't quite get the trick,

  • but they fake it.

  • They're like, oh yeah.

  • (Pete moans)

  • (audience laughs)

  • Magic.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Oh the tiger moved.

  • (Pete mumbles)

  • Thank you very, very much everybody.

  • (audience cheers)

  • You have a great night, appreciate it.

Thank you very, very much.

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Pete Holmes Is Grateful He Isn't A Magician - CONAN on TBS

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/12/24
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