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>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
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GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
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WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
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I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
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LET'S SEE WHAT'S GOING ON HERE.
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WHAT'S THE BIG STORY TONIGHT?
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WELL, LOOK OUTSIDE, BECAUSE DEPENDING ON WHERE YOU LIVE, IT
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MIGHT NOT BE THERE.
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SNOW IS BATTERING THE EAST COAST, AND OVER 60 MILLION
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PEOPLE ARE UNDER A WINTER STORM WATCH.
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PEOPLE ARE BEING ASKED TO STAY HOME, OF ALL THINGS.
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CAN YOU IMAGINE, JUST SITTING AROUND IN YOUR HOUSE FOR DAYS ON
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END, NOWHERE TO GO, JUST WATCHING TV?
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HOW WILL WE ADJUST?
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NOW, I'M IN THE NEW YORK AREA, WHICH IS EXPECTED TO GET 12-18
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INCHES TONIGHT.
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IT'S COMING DOWN SO HARD.
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LE ME LOOK OUT MY WINDOW.
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JIMMY, YOU CAN GIVE US A LIVE SHOT OVER HERE, PLEASE.
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WOW, THAT'S INTENSE.
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LOOK AT THAT.
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PUT ON A JACKET!
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YOU'LL CATCH A CHILL!
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HIS LIPS ARE SO CHAPPED.
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MAN, THAT GUY IS RIPPED!
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THERE ARE NO CARBS IN WESTEROS.
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FORECASTERS SAID THAT THE STORM WILL LIKELY COVER NEARLY 1,000
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MILES WITH HEAVY SNOW, FREEZING RAIN, AND STRONG WINDS.
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AW, JUST IN TIME FOR THE HOLIDAYS.
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IT'S JUST LIKE THE SONG: ♪ I'M DREAMING OF A WHITE
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CHRISTMAS ♪ AHHHHHH!
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I HIT SOME BLACK ICE!
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HOLD ON!
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WE'RE GOING INTO THE CULVERT, KIDS!
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SO IF YOU ARE OUT RIGHT NOW, PLEASE BE SAFE.
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I MEAN, IT'S GETTING PRETTY NASTY RIGHT OUTSIDE MY WINDOW.
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JIM, CAN WE GIVE A LIVE SHOT AGAIN.
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WHAT HAVE WE GOT HERE?
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>> COME ON!
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GIMME A SIGN HERE!
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>> Stephen: THAT'S NOT GOOD.
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THAT'S NOT GOOD.
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REMINDER TO EVERYBODY OUT THERE: THE A.S.P.C.A. RECOMMENDS YOU DO
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NOT LEAVE YOUR DOGS AND CATS OUTSIDE TONIGHT.
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REMEMBER TO STUFF THEM INSIDE YOUR TAUNTAUN.
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YOU THINK IT SOUNDS BAD ON THE OUTSIDE.
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MUCH SNOWFALL, WE'D EXPECT TO SEE SCHOOL CANCELLATIONS, BUT
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BECAUSE OF REMOTE LEARNING, BILL DE BLAISO HAD BAD NEWS FOR
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NEW YORK CITY KIDS: >> THE SNOW DAY, AS WE KNEW IT
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AS KIDS, WHEN WE LOOKED FORWARD TO A DAY OFF.
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YES, IT'S TRUE, THAT'S NOW GOING TO BE A THING OF THE PAST, THAT
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EVEN WHEN KIDS ARE HOME BECAUSE OF THE SNOW, THEY WILL STILL BE
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LEARNING.
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>> Stephen: NO!
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THIS IS AN ABOMINATION-- NOT JUST FOR KIDS, BUT FOR PARENTS.
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THE SNOW DAY IS THE RARE OPPORTUNITY TO WAKE UP YOUR
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CHILD WITH THE GREATEST NEWS IMAGINABLE!
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"HONEY, THERE'S NO SCHOOL TODAY.
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YOU'RE JUST GOING TO TOBOGGAN FOR EIGHT HOURS, THEN DRINK HOT
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CHOCOLATE.
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NOW GO BACK TO SLEEP, OKAY, WHILE DADDY HAS HIS MORNING
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WINE.
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LET'S HAVE ANOTHER LOOK OUTSIDE THE WINDOW.
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JACK TORRANCE.
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HOW DOES IT LOOK OUTSIDE?
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AL WORK AND NO PLAY HAS MADE JACK A COLD BOY.
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SPEAKING OF WINTERY WEATHER, THE PRESIDENT'S ATTEMPTS TO
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OVERTHROW THE 2020 ELECTION HAVE A SNOWBALL'S CHANCE IN HELL.
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HE LOST HIS RECOUNTS, HIS LAWSUITS HAVE BEEN THROW OUT
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OF COURT, AND HIS PLANS TO RETROACTIVELY DECLARE NOVEMBER 3
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NATIONAL OPPOSITE DAY HAVE FAILED.
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ON MONDAY, THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE CERTIFIED JOE BIDEN'S WIN; AND
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YESTERDAY, SENATE MAJORITY LEADER, MITCH McCONNELL
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CONGRATULATED BIDEN ON HIS VICTORY.
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EVEN McCONNELL HAS JUMPED SHIP.
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LUCKILY, HIS WADDLE WORKS AS A FLOTATION DEVICE.
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( LAUGHTER ) THE PRESIDENT WAS NOT PLEASED,
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WITH McCONNELL, TWEETING, "MITCH, 75,000,000 VOTES, A
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RECORD FOR A SITTING PRESIDENT-- BY A LOT
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TOO SOON TO GIVE UP.
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REPUBLICAN PARTY MUST FINALLY LEARN TO FIGHT.
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PEOPLE ARE ANGRY!" I SEE.
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"PEOPLE" ARE ANGRY.
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ARE PEOPLE FEELING A LITTLE ISOLATED?
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MAYBE PEOPLE ARE A LITTLE SAD?
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NOW, I UNDERSTAND HOW PEOPLE MUST BE FEELING A LITTLE LONELY
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AND SCARED RIGHT NOW.
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AND I'M SURE PEOPLE ARE UPSET THAT WE THE PEOPLE DIDN'T VOTE
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FOR PEOPLE.
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MAYBE PEOPLE ARE STRESS-EATING A CAN OF DUNCAN HINES FROSTING?
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IT WOULD BE NICE IF "PEOPLE'S" WIFE WAS MAYBE MORE
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UNDERSTANDING AND WANTED TO BE AROUND PEOPLE.
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BUT REGARDLESS OF HOW ANGRY PEOPLE ARE, PEOPLE NEED TO GROW
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THE (BLEEP) UP.
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( LAUGHTER ) EVEN MORE PATHETIC THAN THAT
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TWEET IS THE FACT THAT THE PRESIDENT WROTE IT AT NEARLY
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1:00 A.M. ON WEDNESDAY.
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OOF.
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THE ONLY REASON TO BE UP AT 1:00 A.M. ON A WEDNESDAY IS IF YOU
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HAD A REALLY BIG TACO TUESDAY.
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OF COURSE, THE PRESIDENT WOULDN'T BE FEELING THIS WAY
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IF IT WASN'T FOR THE WORK OF PEOPLE LIKE BIDEN CAMPAIGN
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MANAGER JEN O'MALLEY DILLON, SEEN HERE ON THE COVER OF HER
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RAP ALBUM "STRAIGHT OUTTA SOUTHAMPTON."
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O'MALLEY DILLON SAT DOWN FOR AN INTERVIEW WITH "GLAMOUR"
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MAGAZINE AND HAD THIS TO SAY ABOUT BIDEN'S ONGOING CALLS FOR
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BIPARTISANSHIP: "THE PRESIDENT-ELECT WAS ABLE TO
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CONNECT WITH PEOPLE OVER THIS SENSE OF UNITY.
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IN THE PRIMARY, PEOPLE WOULD MOCK HIM, LIKE, "YOU THINK YOU
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CAN WORK WITH REPUBLICANS?" SHE ADDED, "I'M NOT SAYING
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THEY'RE NOT A BUNCH OF (BLEEP).
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MITCH McCONNELL IS TERRIBLE."
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OKAY, SO THERE'S KUMBAYA, BUT THERE'S ALSO KISS MY BUTT.
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NOW, INSULTING YOUR COUNTRYMEN MAY SEEM LIKE A STRANGE WAY
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TO BRING PEOPLE TOGETHER, BUT JOE BIDEN WANTS TO BUILD A TRUE
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BIG TENT, WHERE EVERYONE IS WELCOME: THE TERRIBLE PEOPLE,
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THE (BLEEP), WHERE THE DOUCHE NOZZLE SITS AT THE TABLE OF
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BROTHERHOOD NEXT TO THE ASSHAT, WHERE THE NUMBNUT HOLDS HANDS
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WITH THE JACKHOLE, WHERE THE PUTZ CAN RAISE HIS SCHMUCK-FACE
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CHILDREN TO BE ANY KIND OF DILLWEED THEY WANT.
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THAT KIND OF OUTREACH HAS TO BE IN THE PRESIDENTIAL TOOLKIT.
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ALSO, MITCH McCONNELL'S A TOOL.
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JOE BIDEN CONTINUES TO ACT LIKE A GUY WHO'S ABOUT TO BE
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PRESIDENT.
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FOR INSTANCE, TOMORROW, HE'S TALKING TO ME.
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AND TODAY, THE PRESIDENT-ELECT ANNOUNCED HE WILL NOMINATE PETE
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BUTTIGIEG TO BE SECRETARY OF TRANSPORTATION.
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MAYOR BUTTIGIEG, OBVIOUSLY, UNDERSTANDS TRANSPORTATION.
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AFTER ALL, HE'S A RHODES SCHOLAR.
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( ♪ "GROOVE IS IN THE HEART" ♪ >> BE THE MILLIONTH PERSON TO
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MAKE THIS JOKE.
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WIN A FREE SLAM!
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>> Stephen: IT'S A HISTORIC NOMINATION.
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BUTTIGIEG WILL BE THE FIRST OPENLY L.G.B.T.Q. PERSON IN ANY
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CABINET.
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THOUGH IT IS POSSIBLE THAT NOBODY TOLD THE PRESIDENT-ELECT.
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>> AND BY THE WAY, JILL AND I ALWAYS ENJOYED SEEING PETE AND
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KRISTEN-- OR CHASTEN, I SHOULD SAY-- TOGETHER ON THE TRAIL.
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( AS BIDEN ) "SORRY, SOMETIMES I GET MY
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L.G.'s MIXED UP WITH MY B.T.Q.'S AND MY B.L.T.'S.
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HEY, DON'T BE TOO OFFENDED.
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REMEMBER, ONE TIME I THOUGHT MY WIFE WAS MY SISTER.
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ISN'T THAT RIGHT, GIL?
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JILL."
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I COULD GO FOR A B.L.T.
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WHEN IT WAS HIS TURN TO TAKE THE STAGE, MAYOR PETE EXTOLLED THE
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VIRTUES OF TRANSPORTATION: >> TRAVEL, IN MY MIND, IS
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SYNONYMOUS WITH GROWTH, WITH ADVENTURE, EVEN LOVE, SO MUCH SO
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THAT I PROPOSED TO MY HUSBAND, CHASTEN, IN AN AIRPORT TERMINAL.
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DON'T LET ANYBODY TELL YOU THAT O'HARE ISN'T ROMANTIC.
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>> Stephen: AND IT WASN'T JUST THE ENGAGEMENT.
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THEY HELD THE RECEPTION AT CHILI'S TOO.
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THEY REGISTERED AT "HUDSON NEWS."
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"OH, MAN, SOMEBODY ALREADY BOUGHT THE "WELCOME TO CHICAGO"
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SNOWGLOBE.
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SHOULD WE GET THEM A NECK PILLOW OR A $15 BAG OF GUMMY BEARS?"
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NOW, BUTTIGIEG RECOGNIZED HOW HISTORIC HIS NOMINATION WAS.
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>> I CAN'T HELP BUT THINK OF A 17-YEAR-OLD SOMEWHERE WHO MIGHT
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BE WATCHING US RIGHT NOW, SOMEBODY WHO WONDERS WHETHER AND
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WHERE THEY BELONG IN THE WORLD OR EVEN IN THEIR OWN FAMILY.
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AND I'M THINKING ABOUT THE MESSAGE THAT TODAY'S
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ANNOUNCEMENT IS SENDING TO THEM.
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>> Stephen: YOU HEAR THAT, 17-YEAR-OLD?
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YOU STAY IN SCHOOL, AND SOMEDAY YOU, TOO, MAY SEE YOUR NAME ON A
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SIGN OUTSIDE A TRUCK WEIGH STATION.
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I'M TALKING LEGENDS LIKE CLAUDE S. BRINEGAR, NEIL E.
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GOLDSCHMIDT, AND OUR CURRENT SECRETARY OF TRANSPORTATION--
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I HAVE NO IDEA.
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IT'S NOT JUST REPUBLICAN SENATORS BAILING ON THE CURRENT
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ADMINISTRATION.
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SO ARE ITS OWN STAFF MEMBERS.
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A LITTLE WHILE BACK, I TOLD YOU ABOUT THE STATE DEPARTMENT'S
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HOLIDAY PARTY PLANNED BY SECRETARY OF STATE AND
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MARSHMALLOW PEEP IN THE MICROWAVE, MIKE POMPEO.
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DESPITE THE PANDEMIC, POMPEO INVITED 900 GUESTS.
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WELL, THE BIG EVENT WAS YESTERDAY, AND TURNS OUT,
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EVERYBODY HAD A GREAT TIME NOT GOING BECAUSE HUNDREDS OF
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INVITEES SKIPPED MIKE POMPEO'S PARTY.
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DON'T FEEL BAD, MR. SECRETARY.
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IT'S NOT THAT THEY DON'T LIKE YOU.
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IT'S THAT THEY THINK YOU'RE A MORON FOR HOLDING A PARTY DURING
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A PANDEMIC.
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THAT'S WHY THEY DON'T LIKE YOU.
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THE NUMBERS WERE PRETTY LOW.
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OUT OF THE 900 PEOPLE INVITED, ABOUT 70 PEOPLE R.S.V.P.'d, AND
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ONLY A FEW DOZEN SHOWED UP.
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A FEW DOZEN PEOPLE?
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LET'S BE GENEROUS AND SAY IT WAS 36 PEOPLE.
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THAT'S AROUND 4% OF THE INVITES.
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THOSE WHO BRAVED THE CONTAGION TO ATTEND WERE TREATED TO A
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SPECIAL APPEARANCE BY...
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A MASKED SANTA.
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WAIT A SECOND, I RECOGNIZE THAT PHYSIQUE.
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NICE TRY, MR. PRESIDENT.
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I THINK SOMEONE JUST WANTED UNLIMITED COOKIES AND TO KISS
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PEOPLE'S MOMMIES.
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GUESTS HOPING TO HEAR FROM POMPEO WERE DISAPPOINTED,
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BECAUSE AT THE LAST MINUTE, THE SECRETARY CANCELED HIS SPEECH
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AND TAPPED A SUBSTITUTE SPEAKER.
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YOU CAN'T DO THAT!
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YOU'RE THE HOST OF THE DUMB PARTY!
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THAT'S LIKE GOING, "UH, THANKS, EVERYONE, COMING TO ME AND
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MICHELLE'S ENGAGEMENT PARTY.
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LOOKS LIKE THERE'S JUST A HANDFUL OF PEOPLE HERE, SO I TAP
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ROGER AS A SUBSTITUTE GROOM.
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GOOD LUCK, ROG.
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SHE'S A HELL OF A LADY, BUT NOT VERY POPULAR, EVIDENTLY."
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BUT POMPEO WAS THERE, AND HE IS NOW IN QUARANTINE DUE TO
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COVID-19 EXPOSURE AFTER THE HOLIDAY PARTY.
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IT'S JUST LIKE WHEN EBENEZER SCROOGE LEARNED HIS LESSON AFTER
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GETTING A VISIT FROM THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS OBVIOUS.
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OKAY, ENOUGH MEAT.
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LET'S GET TO THE CHRISTMAS CANDY.
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IT'S TIME FOR "LATE SHOW HOT GOSS."
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( SIZZLE ) BECAUSE WE'VE GOT SOME BIG
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CELEBRITY NEWS.
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I'M TALKING ABOUT BLOCKBUSTER MEGA STAR AND MAN WHO I WILL
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NOT MAKE A JOKE ABOUT BECAUSE I'VE NEVER INTERVIEWED HIM, AND
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I'D LIKE THAT TO HAPPEN SOMEDAY, TOM CRUISE.
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CRUISE IS CURRENTLY IN THE U.K.
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SHOOTING THE NEW MISSION IMPOSSIBLE SEQUEL, "MISSION
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IMPOSSIBLE 7: TURNS OUT THE FIRST SIX TIMES WERE POSSIBLE."
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WHILE HE WAS ON SET, CRUISE NOTICED TWO CREW MEMBERS
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STANDING TOO CLOSE TO ONE ANOTHER IN FRONT OF A COMPUTER
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SCREEN, VIOLATING THE MOVIE'S STRICT COVID-19 SAFETY
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PROTOCOLS.
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WHICH, TO BE FAIR, ARE HARD TO SEE, BECAUSE THEY'RE...
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GHOST PROTOCOLS.
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NO SOUND EFFECT?
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WE HAVE NO SOUND EFFECTS?
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WE WILL NEVER HAVE SOUND EFFECTS OR THEY WILL BE LAID IN LATER?
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WE'LL FIND OUT.
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>> Stephen: OF COURSE-- I DON'T WANT THEM NOW.
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YOU REALIZE I DON'T WANT THEM NOW.
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OF COURSE, CRUISE TAKES THE SAFETY OF HIS PRODUCTION VERY
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SERIOUSLY.
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AND SEEING THE RULES BROKEN MADE HIM FLIP OUT, RESULTING IN
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THIS LEAKED AUDIO: >> Stephen: IS THAT IT?
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>> THAT'S IT!
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>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.
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GLAD I CHECKED.
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NOW, AS INTENSE AS THAT SOUNDS, AND IT DOES SOUND INTENSE,
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THAT'S JUST THE AUDIO.
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HE SAID ALL OF THAT WHILE HALO JUMPING FROM A C-17 ONTO THE
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MINUTE HAND OF BIG BEN.
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YES, TOM CRUISE DOES ALL OF HIS OWN RANTS.
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NOW, THE RECORDING GOES ON FOR MORE THAN THREE MINUTES.
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MUCH LIKE THE "MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE" FRANCHISE ITSELF, IT
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GETS KIND OF REPETITIVE, BUT IT NEVER LETS UP ON THE ADRENALINE.
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NOW, THIS IS THE RARE CELEBRITY RANT WHERE I LISTENED AND WENT: