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  • >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!

  • GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

  • WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • LET'S SEE WHAT'S GOING ON HERE.

  • WHAT'S THE BIG STORY TONIGHT?

  • WELL, LOOK OUTSIDE, BECAUSE DEPENDING ON WHERE YOU LIVE, IT

  • MIGHT NOT BE THERE.

  • SNOW IS BATTERING THE EAST COAST, AND OVER 60 MILLION

  • PEOPLE ARE UNDER A WINTER STORM WATCH.

  • PEOPLE ARE BEING ASKED TO STAY HOME, OF ALL THINGS.

  • CAN YOU IMAGINE, JUST SITTING AROUND IN YOUR HOUSE FOR DAYS ON

  • END, NOWHERE TO GO, JUST WATCHING TV?

  • HOW WILL WE ADJUST?

  • NOW, I'M IN THE NEW YORK AREA, WHICH IS EXPECTED TO GET 12-18

  • INCHES TONIGHT.

  • IT'S COMING DOWN SO HARD.

  • LE ME LOOK OUT MY WINDOW.

  • JIMMY, YOU CAN GIVE US A LIVE SHOT OVER HERE, PLEASE.

  • WOW, THAT'S INTENSE.

  • LOOK AT THAT.

  • PUT ON A JACKET!

  • YOU'LL CATCH A CHILL!

  • HIS LIPS ARE SO CHAPPED.

  • MAN, THAT GUY IS RIPPED!

  • THERE ARE NO CARBS IN WESTEROS.

  • FORECASTERS SAID THAT THE STORM WILL LIKELY COVER NEARLY 1,000

  • MILES WITH HEAVY SNOW, FREEZING RAIN, AND STRONG WINDS.

  • AW, JUST IN TIME FOR THE HOLIDAYS.

  • IT'S JUST LIKE THE SONG: ♪ I'M DREAMING OF A WHITE

  • CHRISTMASAHHHHHH!

  • I HIT SOME BLACK ICE!

  • HOLD ON!

  • WE'RE GOING INTO THE CULVERT, KIDS!

  • SO IF YOU ARE OUT RIGHT NOW, PLEASE BE SAFE.

  • I MEAN, IT'S GETTING PRETTY NASTY RIGHT OUTSIDE MY WINDOW.

  • JIM, CAN WE GIVE A LIVE SHOT AGAIN.

  • WHAT HAVE WE GOT HERE?

  • >> COME ON!

  • GIMME A SIGN HERE!

  • >> Stephen: THAT'S NOT GOOD.

  • THAT'S NOT GOOD.

  • REMINDER TO EVERYBODY OUT THERE: THE A.S.P.C.A. RECOMMENDS YOU DO

  • NOT LEAVE YOUR DOGS AND CATS OUTSIDE TONIGHT.

  • REMEMBER TO STUFF THEM INSIDE YOUR TAUNTAUN.

  • YOU THINK IT SOUNDS BAD ON THE OUTSIDE.

  • MUCH SNOWFALL, WE'D EXPECT TO SEE SCHOOL CANCELLATIONS, BUT

  • BECAUSE OF REMOTE LEARNING, BILL DE BLAISO HAD BAD NEWS FOR

  • NEW YORK CITY KIDS: >> THE SNOW DAY, AS WE KNEW IT

  • AS KIDS, WHEN WE LOOKED FORWARD TO A DAY OFF.

  • YES, IT'S TRUE, THAT'S NOW GOING TO BE A THING OF THE PAST, THAT

  • EVEN WHEN KIDS ARE HOME BECAUSE OF THE SNOW, THEY WILL STILL BE

  • LEARNING.

  • >> Stephen: NO!

  • THIS IS AN ABOMINATION-- NOT JUST FOR KIDS, BUT FOR PARENTS.

  • THE SNOW DAY IS THE RARE OPPORTUNITY TO WAKE UP YOUR

  • CHILD WITH THE GREATEST NEWS IMAGINABLE!

  • "HONEY, THERE'S NO SCHOOL TODAY.

  • YOU'RE JUST GOING TO TOBOGGAN FOR EIGHT HOURS, THEN DRINK HOT

  • CHOCOLATE.

  • NOW GO BACK TO SLEEP, OKAY, WHILE DADDY HAS HIS MORNING

  • WINE.

  • LET'S HAVE ANOTHER LOOK OUTSIDE THE WINDOW.

  • JACK TORRANCE.

  • HOW DOES IT LOOK OUTSIDE?

  • AL WORK AND NO PLAY HAS MADE JACK A COLD BOY.

  • SPEAKING OF WINTERY WEATHER, THE PRESIDENT'S ATTEMPTS TO

  • OVERTHROW THE 2020 ELECTION HAVE A SNOWBALL'S CHANCE IN HELL.

  • HE LOST HIS RECOUNTS, HIS LAWSUITS HAVE BEEN THROW OUT

  • OF COURT, AND HIS PLANS TO RETROACTIVELY DECLARE NOVEMBER 3

  • NATIONAL OPPOSITE DAY HAVE FAILED.

  • ON MONDAY, THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE CERTIFIED JOE BIDEN'S WIN; AND

  • YESTERDAY, SENATE MAJORITY LEADER, MITCH McCONNELL

  • CONGRATULATED BIDEN ON HIS VICTORY.

  • EVEN McCONNELL HAS JUMPED SHIP.

  • LUCKILY, HIS WADDLE WORKS AS A FLOTATION DEVICE.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) THE PRESIDENT WAS NOT PLEASED,

  • WITH McCONNELL, TWEETING, "MITCH, 75,000,000 VOTES, A

  • RECORD FOR A SITTING PRESIDENT-- BY A LOT

  • TOO SOON TO GIVE UP.

  • REPUBLICAN PARTY MUST FINALLY LEARN TO FIGHT.

  • PEOPLE ARE ANGRY!" I SEE.

  • "PEOPLE" ARE ANGRY.

  • ARE PEOPLE FEELING A LITTLE ISOLATED?

  • MAYBE PEOPLE ARE A LITTLE SAD?

  • NOW, I UNDERSTAND HOW PEOPLE MUST BE FEELING A LITTLE LONELY

  • AND SCARED RIGHT NOW.

  • AND I'M SURE PEOPLE ARE UPSET THAT WE THE PEOPLE DIDN'T VOTE

  • FOR PEOPLE.

  • MAYBE PEOPLE ARE STRESS-EATING A CAN OF DUNCAN HINES FROSTING?

  • IT WOULD BE NICE IF "PEOPLE'S" WIFE WAS MAYBE MORE

  • UNDERSTANDING AND WANTED TO BE AROUND PEOPLE.

  • BUT REGARDLESS OF HOW ANGRY PEOPLE ARE, PEOPLE NEED TO GROW

  • THE (BLEEP) UP.

  • ( LAUGHTER ) EVEN MORE PATHETIC THAN THAT

  • TWEET IS THE FACT THAT THE PRESIDENT WROTE IT AT NEARLY

  • 1:00 A.M. ON WEDNESDAY.

  • OOF.

  • THE ONLY REASON TO BE UP AT 1:00 A.M. ON A WEDNESDAY IS IF YOU

  • HAD A REALLY BIG TACO TUESDAY.

  • OF COURSE, THE PRESIDENT WOULDN'T BE FEELING THIS WAY

  • IF IT WASN'T FOR THE WORK OF PEOPLE LIKE BIDEN CAMPAIGN

  • MANAGER JEN O'MALLEY DILLON, SEEN HERE ON THE COVER OF HER

  • RAP ALBUM "STRAIGHT OUTTA SOUTHAMPTON."

  • O'MALLEY DILLON SAT DOWN FOR AN INTERVIEW WITH "GLAMOUR"

  • MAGAZINE AND HAD THIS TO SAY ABOUT BIDEN'S ONGOING CALLS FOR

  • BIPARTISANSHIP: "THE PRESIDENT-ELECT WAS ABLE TO

  • CONNECT WITH PEOPLE OVER THIS SENSE OF UNITY.

  • IN THE PRIMARY, PEOPLE WOULD MOCK HIM, LIKE, "YOU THINK YOU

  • CAN WORK WITH REPUBLICANS?" SHE ADDED, "I'M NOT SAYING

  • THEY'RE NOT A BUNCH OF (BLEEP).

  • MITCH McCONNELL IS TERRIBLE."

  • OKAY, SO THERE'S KUMBAYA, BUT THERE'S ALSO KISS MY BUTT.

  • NOW, INSULTING YOUR COUNTRYMEN MAY SEEM LIKE A STRANGE WAY

  • TO BRING PEOPLE TOGETHER, BUT JOE BIDEN WANTS TO BUILD A TRUE

  • BIG TENT, WHERE EVERYONE IS WELCOME: THE TERRIBLE PEOPLE,

  • THE (BLEEP), WHERE THE DOUCHE NOZZLE SITS AT THE TABLE OF

  • BROTHERHOOD NEXT TO THE ASSHAT, WHERE THE NUMBNUT HOLDS HANDS

  • WITH THE JACKHOLE, WHERE THE PUTZ CAN RAISE HIS SCHMUCK-FACE

  • CHILDREN TO BE ANY KIND OF DILLWEED THEY WANT.

  • THAT KIND OF OUTREACH HAS TO BE IN THE PRESIDENTIAL TOOLKIT.

  • ALSO, MITCH McCONNELL'S A TOOL.

  • JOE BIDEN CONTINUES TO ACT LIKE A GUY WHO'S ABOUT TO BE

  • PRESIDENT.

  • FOR INSTANCE, TOMORROW, HE'S TALKING TO ME.

  • AND TODAY, THE PRESIDENT-ELECT ANNOUNCED HE WILL NOMINATE PETE

  • BUTTIGIEG TO BE SECRETARY OF TRANSPORTATION.

  • MAYOR BUTTIGIEG, OBVIOUSLY, UNDERSTANDS TRANSPORTATION.

  • AFTER ALL, HE'S A RHODES SCHOLAR.

  • ( ♪ "GROOVE IS IN THE HEART" ♪ >> BE THE MILLIONTH PERSON TO

  • MAKE THIS JOKE.

  • WIN A FREE SLAM!

  • >> Stephen: IT'S A HISTORIC NOMINATION.

  • BUTTIGIEG WILL BE THE FIRST OPENLY L.G.B.T.Q. PERSON IN ANY

  • CABINET.

  • THOUGH IT IS POSSIBLE THAT NOBODY TOLD THE PRESIDENT-ELECT.

  • >> AND BY THE WAY, JILL AND I ALWAYS ENJOYED SEEING PETE AND

  • KRISTEN-- OR CHASTEN, I SHOULD SAY-- TOGETHER ON THE TRAIL.

  • ( AS BIDEN ) "SORRY, SOMETIMES I GET MY

  • L.G.'s MIXED UP WITH MY B.T.Q.'S AND MY B.L.T.'S.

  • HEY, DON'T BE TOO OFFENDED.

  • REMEMBER, ONE TIME I THOUGHT MY WIFE WAS MY SISTER.

  • ISN'T THAT RIGHT, GIL?

  • JILL."

  • I COULD GO FOR A B.L.T.

  • WHEN IT WAS HIS TURN TO TAKE THE STAGE, MAYOR PETE EXTOLLED THE

  • VIRTUES OF TRANSPORTATION: >> TRAVEL, IN MY MIND, IS

  • SYNONYMOUS WITH GROWTH, WITH ADVENTURE, EVEN LOVE, SO MUCH SO

  • THAT I PROPOSED TO MY HUSBAND, CHASTEN, IN AN AIRPORT TERMINAL.

  • DON'T LET ANYBODY TELL YOU THAT O'HARE ISN'T ROMANTIC.

  • >> Stephen: AND IT WASN'T JUST THE ENGAGEMENT.

  • THEY HELD THE RECEPTION AT CHILI'S TOO.

  • THEY REGISTERED AT "HUDSON NEWS."

  • "OH, MAN, SOMEBODY ALREADY BOUGHT THE "WELCOME TO CHICAGO"

  • SNOWGLOBE.

  • SHOULD WE GET THEM A NECK PILLOW OR A $15 BAG OF GUMMY BEARS?"

  • NOW, BUTTIGIEG RECOGNIZED HOW HISTORIC HIS NOMINATION WAS.

  • >> I CAN'T HELP BUT THINK OF A 17-YEAR-OLD SOMEWHERE WHO MIGHT

  • BE WATCHING US RIGHT NOW, SOMEBODY WHO WONDERS WHETHER AND

  • WHERE THEY BELONG IN THE WORLD OR EVEN IN THEIR OWN FAMILY.

  • AND I'M THINKING ABOUT THE MESSAGE THAT TODAY'S

  • ANNOUNCEMENT IS SENDING TO THEM.

  • >> Stephen: YOU HEAR THAT, 17-YEAR-OLD?

  • YOU STAY IN SCHOOL, AND SOMEDAY YOU, TOO, MAY SEE YOUR NAME ON A

  • SIGN OUTSIDE A TRUCK WEIGH STATION.

  • I'M TALKING LEGENDS LIKE CLAUDE S. BRINEGAR, NEIL E.

  • GOLDSCHMIDT, AND OUR CURRENT SECRETARY OF TRANSPORTATION--

  • I HAVE NO IDEA.

  • IT'S NOT JUST REPUBLICAN SENATORS BAILING ON THE CURRENT

  • ADMINISTRATION.

  • SO ARE ITS OWN STAFF MEMBERS.

  • A LITTLE WHILE BACK, I TOLD YOU ABOUT THE STATE DEPARTMENT'S

  • HOLIDAY PARTY PLANNED BY SECRETARY OF STATE AND

  • MARSHMALLOW PEEP IN THE MICROWAVE, MIKE POMPEO.

  • DESPITE THE PANDEMIC, POMPEO INVITED 900 GUESTS.

  • WELL, THE BIG EVENT WAS YESTERDAY, AND TURNS OUT,

  • EVERYBODY HAD A GREAT TIME NOT GOING BECAUSE HUNDREDS OF

  • INVITEES SKIPPED MIKE POMPEO'S PARTY.

  • DON'T FEEL BAD, MR. SECRETARY.

  • IT'S NOT THAT THEY DON'T LIKE YOU.

  • IT'S THAT THEY THINK YOU'RE A MORON FOR HOLDING A PARTY DURING

  • A PANDEMIC.

  • THAT'S WHY THEY DON'T LIKE YOU.

  • THE NUMBERS WERE PRETTY LOW.

  • OUT OF THE 900 PEOPLE INVITED, ABOUT 70 PEOPLE R.S.V.P.'d, AND

  • ONLY A FEW DOZEN SHOWED UP.

  • A FEW DOZEN PEOPLE?

  • LET'S BE GENEROUS AND SAY IT WAS 36 PEOPLE.

  • THAT'S AROUND 4% OF THE INVITES.

  • THOSE WHO BRAVED THE CONTAGION TO ATTEND WERE TREATED TO A

  • SPECIAL APPEARANCE BY...

  • A MASKED SANTA.

  • WAIT A SECOND, I RECOGNIZE THAT PHYSIQUE.

  • NICE TRY, MR. PRESIDENT.

  • I THINK SOMEONE JUST WANTED UNLIMITED COOKIES AND TO KISS

  • PEOPLE'S MOMMIES.

  • GUESTS HOPING TO HEAR FROM POMPEO WERE DISAPPOINTED,

  • BECAUSE AT THE LAST MINUTE, THE SECRETARY CANCELED HIS SPEECH

  • AND TAPPED A SUBSTITUTE SPEAKER.

  • YOU CAN'T DO THAT!

  • YOU'RE THE HOST OF THE DUMB PARTY!

  • THAT'S LIKE GOING, "UH, THANKS, EVERYONE, COMING TO ME AND

  • MICHELLE'S ENGAGEMENT PARTY.

  • LOOKS LIKE THERE'S JUST A HANDFUL OF PEOPLE HERE, SO I TAP

  • ROGER AS A SUBSTITUTE GROOM.

  • GOOD LUCK, ROG.

  • SHE'S A HELL OF A LADY, BUT NOT VERY POPULAR, EVIDENTLY."

  • BUT POMPEO WAS THERE, AND HE IS NOW IN QUARANTINE DUE TO

  • COVID-19 EXPOSURE AFTER THE HOLIDAY PARTY.

  • IT'S JUST LIKE WHEN EBENEZER SCROOGE LEARNED HIS LESSON AFTER

  • GETTING A VISIT FROM THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS OBVIOUS.

  • OKAY, ENOUGH MEAT.

  • LET'S GET TO THE CHRISTMAS CANDY.

  • IT'S TIME FOR "LATE SHOW HOT GOSS."

  • ( SIZZLE ) BECAUSE WE'VE GOT SOME BIG

  • CELEBRITY NEWS.

  • I'M TALKING ABOUT BLOCKBUSTER MEGA STAR AND MAN WHO I WILL

  • NOT MAKE A JOKE ABOUT BECAUSE I'VE NEVER INTERVIEWED HIM, AND

  • I'D LIKE THAT TO HAPPEN SOMEDAY, TOM CRUISE.

  • CRUISE IS CURRENTLY IN THE U.K.

  • SHOOTING THE NEW MISSION IMPOSSIBLE SEQUEL, "MISSION

  • IMPOSSIBLE 7: TURNS OUT THE FIRST SIX TIMES WERE POSSIBLE."

  • WHILE HE WAS ON SET, CRUISE NOTICED TWO CREW MEMBERS

  • STANDING TOO CLOSE TO ONE ANOTHER IN FRONT OF A COMPUTER

  • SCREEN, VIOLATING THE MOVIE'S STRICT COVID-19 SAFETY

  • PROTOCOLS.

  • WHICH, TO BE FAIR, ARE HARD TO SEE, BECAUSE THEY'RE...

  • GHOST PROTOCOLS.

  • NO SOUND EFFECT?

  • WE HAVE NO SOUND EFFECTS?

  • WE WILL NEVER HAVE SOUND EFFECTS OR THEY WILL BE LAID IN LATER?

  • WE'LL FIND OUT.

  • >> Stephen: OF COURSE-- I DON'T WANT THEM NOW.

  • YOU REALIZE I DON'T WANT THEM NOW.

  • OF COURSE, CRUISE TAKES THE SAFETY OF HIS PRODUCTION VERY

  • SERIOUSLY.

  • AND SEEING THE RULES BROKEN MADE HIM FLIP OUT, RESULTING IN

  • THIS LEAKED AUDIO: >> Stephen: IS THAT IT?

  • >> THAT'S IT!

  • >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.

  • GLAD I CHECKED.

  • NOW, AS INTENSE AS THAT SOUNDS, AND IT DOES SOUND INTENSE,

  • THAT'S JUST THE AUDIO.

  • HE SAID ALL OF THAT WHILE HALO JUMPING FROM A C-17 ONTO THE

  • MINUTE HAND OF BIG BEN.

  • YES, TOM CRUISE DOES ALL OF HIS OWN RANTS.

  • NOW, THE RECORDING GOES ON FOR MORE THAN THREE MINUTES.

  • MUCH LIKE THE "MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE" FRANCHISE ITSELF, IT

  • GETS KIND OF REPETITIVE, BUT IT NEVER LETS UP ON THE ADRENALINE.

  • NOW, THIS IS THE RARE CELEBRITY RANT WHERE I LISTENED AND WENT:

  • "YEAH, HE'S GOT A POINT."

  • I DON'T KNOW IF WE NEED THE SCREAM OR ANY OF THE POTTY TALK,

  • BUT CRUISE IS THE PRODUCER OF THE MOVIE, AND HE HAS TO SET