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I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, GUYS.
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DECEMBER IS HALF VER.
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WE'RE HALFWAY THROUGH.
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I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
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IT FEELS LIKE THE OTHER DAY, IT WAS THE FIRST.
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WE DON'T DO ANYTHING, WE COME HERE, WE'RE TRAPPED
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BUT TIME SEEMS TO BE GOING SO FAST?
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REGGIE, WHAT EVEN IS "TIME?" >> Reggie: YOU KNOW, IT'S A
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GOOD QUESTION.
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IT'S REALLY THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I GUESS I'M
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HERE.
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>> James: YEAH.
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ARE WE HERE, THOUGH?
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>> Reggie: I DON'T THINK WE ARE.
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I THINK WE'RE EXPERIENCING THIS FROM A VERY DISTANT PLACE, BUT
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IT'S FUN.
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>> James: DO YOU THINK THEN, GENUINELY, BECAUSE DO YOU
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REMEMBER WHEN WE -- >> Reggie: YES, I REFERENCE
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THIS ALL THE TIME.
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>> James: WE WERE SAYING NONE OF THIS IS HERE, NONE OF THIS IS
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REAL, WE'RE ALL LIVING A SIMULATION OF SOMETHING ELSE,
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AND I NEVER FORGET, HE SAID TO US, HE SAID, ANTS IN AN ANT FARM
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DON'T KNOW THAT THEY'RE IN AN ANT FARM.
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THEY THINK THAT'S THE WORLD.
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>> Reggie: YES.
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>> James: AND I WAS, LIKE, SO HANG ON, IS IT A SIMULATION?
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HE WAS, LIKE, THE CHANCES OF YOU BEING HERE AND ME BEING HERE AND
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ANY OF THIS IS REAL OR THE FACT THAT YOU THINK YOU'VE GOT FREE
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WILL IS ABSURD.
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>> Reggie: YEAH.
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>> James: SO I ROBBED A BANK.
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( LAUGHTER ) I DID.
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I WENT STRAIGHT OUT.
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I SAID, WELL, IF NONE OF THIS IS REAL, IT'S FINE.
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ROBBED A W BANK, GOT AWAY WITH I $36,000 CASH.
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>> Reggie: WOW.
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>> James: TWO BAGS OKAY, OTHER OPENED, COVERED IN INK.
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>> Reggie: OH.
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>> James: AND I BOUGHT A LOT OF BITCOIN.
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( LAUGHTER ) LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT HEADLINES.
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IT'S OFFICIAL, ATTORNEY GENERAL BILL BARR IS RESIGNING.
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BARR MET WITH THE PRESIDENT LAST NIGHT AND SAID HE WILL LEAVE
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OFFICE NEXT WEEK.
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MAYBE NOW HE'LL HAVE TIME TO FINALLY READ THAT MUELLER
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REPORT.
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LAUGHTER ) BILL BARR HAS RESIGNED AS
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ATTORNEY GENERAL.
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AS OPPOSED TO BEFORE, WHEN BARR WAS SIMPLY RESIGNED TO HIS FATE
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OF DEFENDING EVERY STUPID THING DONALD TRUMP HAS EVER SAID.
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I LOOKED AT IT -- BARR AND TRUMP, THEY COULDN'T
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HAVE BEEN THAT CLOSE, OTHERWISE BARR WOULD HAVE GOTTEN
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CORONAVIRUS.
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( LAUGHTER ) HE'S THE ONLY ONE THAT DIDN'T
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GET COVID.
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HE WAS NEVER IN THERE.
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HIS RESIGNATION LETTER DIDN'T GO INTO MUCH DETAIL, BUT BARR DID
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SAY HE PLANS TO SPEND MORE TIME BEING MISTAKEN FOR ELTON JOHN
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WITH REGULAR GLASSES.
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( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP ANNOUNCED BARR'S
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RESIGNATION ON TWITTER, WRITING "JUST HAD A VERY NICE MEETING
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WITH ATTORNEY GENERAL BILL BARR AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
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OUR RELATIONSHIP HAS BEEN A VERY GOOD ONE, HE HAS DONE AN
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OUTSTANDING JOB!
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BILL WILL BE LEAVING JUST BEFORE CHRISTMAS TO SPEND THE HOLIDAYS
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WITH HIS FAMILY."
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OUR CONDOLENCES TO BILL BARR'S FAMILY AT THIS DIFFICULT TIME.
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( LAUGHTER ) BUT YOU HAVE TO ADMIT, THAT'S A
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PRETTY GLOWING REVIEW COMING FROM TRUMP, WHICH MEANS BARR
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MUST HAVE SOME REALLY SORDID BLACKMAILABLE MATERIAL ON HIM.
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>> Reggie: YES.
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>> James: THE NEW INTERIM ATTORNEY GENERAL WILL BE JEFF
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ROSEN, OR AS TRUMP CALLS HIM, "LESS-HOT
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MIKE PENCE."
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( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, LAST NIGHT JOE BIDEN
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GAVE A SPEECH SHORTLY AFTER THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE CONFIRMED HIS
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VICTORY, AND HE TOOK LOTS OF VEILED, AND NOT-SO-VEILED,
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SWIPES AT PRESIDENT TRUMP.
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>> IN AMERICA, POLITICIANS DON'T TAKE POWER.
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PEOPLE GRANT POWER TO THEM.
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THE FLAME OF DEMOCRACY WAS LIT IN THIS NATION A LONG TIME AGO,
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AND WE NOW KNOW NOTHING, NOT EVEN A PANDEMIC OR AN ABUSE OF
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POWER CAN EXTINGUISH THAT FLAME.
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>> JAMES: I'M NOT SURE, BUT I FEEL LIKE HE WAS DIRECTING THAT
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AT DONALD TRUMP.
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( LAUGHTER ) AND THIS WAS NICE, BIDEN'S TEAM,
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THEY'VE ALREADY REPURPOSED THAT CLIP AS A WAY TO TRY TO APPEAL
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TO YOUNG AMERICANS.
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>> THE FLAME OF DEMOCRACY WAS LIT --
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>> DAMN, SON!
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WHERE DID YOU FIND THIS?
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♪ ♪
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♪ >> James: LATER IN THE SAME
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SPEECH, BIDEN EXPLAINED HOW TRUMP USED EVERY LEGAL RECOURSE
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AVAILABLE TO HIM AND IT WAS STILL SHOT DOWN EACH TIME.
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>> THEY WERE HARPED PI MORE THAN 80 JUDGES AND NO CAUSE WAS FOUND
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TO REVERSE OR QUESTION OR DISPUTE THE RESULTS.
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>> James: YEAH, SURE, IF YOU TRUST THE COURTS.
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( LAUGHTER ) YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
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YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
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YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.
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WHEN HE HEARD THIS, TRUMP IS LIKE, YEAH, I'VE USED EVERY
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LEGAL RECOURSE AVAILABLE TO ME BUT I HAVEN'T EVEN STARTED ON
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THE ILLEGAL RECOURSES YET, YOU WAIT.
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I LIKE BIDEN STATING FACTS IS THE NEW ULTIMATE DISS.
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HE LOST HIS LAWSUITS, NO VOTER FRAUD, THE EGGNOG IS, LET'S BE
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HONEST, A LITTLE TOO RICH.
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( LAUGHTER ) BUT I LIKE A FIRED-UP BIDEN.
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I LIKE WHEN HE JUST SPEAKS AND SAYS THIS.
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I BET HE WALKED OFF STAGE, OPENED A SAC PRILL LA WITH
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HIS',, CRUSHED THE CAN ON HIS HEAD, LET'S MOVE ON, LET'S GET
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OUT OF HERE.
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( LAUGHTER ) MEAN WHILE, PRESIDENT TRUMP
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STILL REFUSES TO CONCEDE.
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ACCORDING TO ONE INSIDER, TRUMP HAS DECIDED THAT HE WILL AVOID
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SAYING THAT HE LOST.
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INSTEAD, TO SAVE FACE, HE'LL SAY HE "DIDN'T WIN."
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MAN, THIS GUY HAS AN ANSWER FOR EVERYTHING.
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EXCEPT HOW TO PROVE ELECTION FRAUD.
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TRUMP THEN ADDED, AND IT'S NOT I WON'T BE PRESIDENT, IT'S JUST
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I'LL STOP NOT NOT BEING PRESIDENT.
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AND DID YOU SEE THIS?
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EARLIER TODAY, THE F.D.A.
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CONFIRMED THAT MODERNA'S COVID-19 VACCINE IS SAFE AND
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EFFECTIVE, WHICH MEANS WE MAY HAVE TWO APPROVED VACCINES B
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THE END OF THE WEEK.
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INJECT THIS NEWS STRAIGHT INTO MY VEINS.
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REGGIE?
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>> Reggie: YEAH.
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>> James: I'M GOING TO GET BOTH!
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PFIZER, MODERNA, BANG!
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LET'S GO!
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>> Reggie: YEAH.
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>> James: PFIZER, MODERNA!
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>> Reggie: TIME FOR A VAX-CATION.
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>> James: ARE YOU GOING TO GET IT?
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>> Reggie: I'M GOING TO MAX THE VAX.
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>> James: YEAH, MAX THE VAX.
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>> Reggie: YEAH ( LAUGHTER )
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>> James: CHEERS, MAN.
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>> Reggie: YEAH!
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>> James: EVEN THOUGH THE F.D.A. HAS
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CONFIRMED BOTH VACCINES ARE SAFE, I'M SURE IT WILL TAKE NO
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TIME FOR PEOPLE TO PICK A FAVORITE.
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"YOU HAD THE PFIZER?
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NO WAY.
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I DON'T TRUST THE PFIZER ONE BIT.
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I'M ALL MODERNA.
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( LAUGHTER ) BUT PFIZER AND MODERNA ARE LIKE
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THE PS5 AND XBOX SERIES X OF THE VACCINE WORLD-- IT DOESN'T
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MATTER WHICH ONE YOU WANT, YOU'RE PROBABLY NOT GETTING
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EITHER UNTIL JUNE.
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( LAUGHTER ) AND WE WANTED TO SHOW YOU THIS.
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A WOMAN IN AUSTRALIA BOUGHT A PRE-MADE GINGERBREAD HOUSE.
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IT ALREADY HAD A RESIDENT.
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I LIKE MY GINGERBREAD TO HAVE A BITE BUT THIS IS TOO MUCH.
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IT'S LIKE THE GOTH VERSION OF THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS.
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INSTEAD OF A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE THEY HAVE A SPIDER IN A
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GINGERBREAD HOUSE.
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MUST HAVE BEEN FRIGHTENING, BUT THEN THE AUSTRALIANS SAID STEVE
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THE STOCKING SPIDER?
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NO, THAT'S AN AUSTRALIAN CHRISTMAS ORIGINAL, MATE.
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AND FINALLY, A FAMILY IN KANSAS IS WARNING OTHER PARENTS AFTER
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THEY HID THEIR "ELF ON THE SHELF" DOLLS INSIDE THE OVEN
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THEN FORGOT THEY WERE THERE, AND TURNED THE OVEN ON LATER IN THE
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DAY.
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HERE ARE THE DOLLS WHEN THEY WERE FIRST HIDDEN:
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AND HERE THEY ARE AFTER THE OVEN WAS TURNED ON:
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( LAUGHTER ) WELL, I HOPE DAD'S FROZEN
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LASAGNA WAS WORTH IT.
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( LAUGHTER ) IT'S NOT A TOTAL LOSS.
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THEY'RE ALREADY MAKING A CHRISTMAS HORROR MOVIE ABOUT THE
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WHOLE THING, "NIGHTMARE ON ELF STREET."