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  • Hello, everybody.

  • Welcome to a late show.

  • I'm your host, Stephen Colbert.

  • This is our last week before the holiday break, and we have a huge slate of shows plan for you tonight.

  • I'm talking to Andy Cohen and Anderson, Cooper, Andy and Anders themselves plus Whoopi Goldberg.

  • It's a pre New Year's blowout.

  • Honestly, I don't know how he get any better than this.

  • I mean, you have to have, like, Tom Hanks.

  • What?

  • Hanks here tomorrow.

  • Wow.

  • And I already knew that this is pretty good acting right now.

  • What a way that some star power.

  • I mean, where do you go from there?

  • I mean, does This is crazy.

  • I'm gonna throw it out there.

  • What if we end of the week with George Clooney?

  • What Holy tequila company Friday is cloned A.

  • This is quite a slate of spectacular, highly promotable celebrity guests, but it's fun is that's all gonna be It's gonna be so much fun.

  • It's It's really ultimately ashamed that I didn't get a chance to talk to President elect Joe Biden and future first lady Jill Biden for their first joint post election interview.

  • Great suffering, Scranton.

  • They're gonna be on here Thursday is unbelievable.

  • Wow!

  • Wow!

  • 2020 is just the best.

  • What's that?

  • Oh, it was just the worst.

  • Okay, let's move on.

  • No.

  • One thing, I'm sure to talk about what the president elect is.

  • His cool new job.

  • Last night, after the Electoral College formally chose him, Thebe president elect delivered a primetime speech in which he called out the Republicans who signed on to Texas.

  • Case attempted to throw out the election results.

  • This legal maneuver was an effort by elected officials on one group of states to try to get the Supreme Court toe wipe out the votes of more than 20 million Americans in other states.

  • It's a position so extreme we've never seen it before.

  • Yeah, it was an extreme position, but the GOP is trying all kinds of freaky new anti Democratic positions lately that all detailed in the McConnell Sutra.

  • Speaking of which, fully illustrated.

  • Speaking of which, with yesterday's Electoral College results, some Republicans have been forced to face their biggest fear reality, like Senate Majority Leader and Palpatine American Mitch McConnell.

  • Today, McConnell took to the Senate floor and bravely faced a fact the Electoral College has spoken.

  • So today I want to congratulate President elect Joe Biden.

  • The president elect was surprisingly grateful for McConnell's grudging acknowledgment.

  • A good conversation with Mitch McConnell's talk to him.

  • I called him to thank him for the congratulations, Mr.

  • Later, I just called to congratulate you for congratulating me.

  • Now let's get to work.

  • How about those Cabinet appointments?

  • Hello, Mitch.

  • Jack.

  • Hello.

  • Hello, Mabel, Get me clown dyke 357 It's not just McConnell.

  • Other Republicans are coming around, including Texas Senator and Man Who Wants you to ask your doctor about Cell Jan's John Cornyn.

  • Cornyn says Republicans need to recognize that Biden one arguing.

  • There comes a time when you have to realize that despite your best efforts, you've been unsuccessful.

  • Yes, like we tell kids when they play sports, it is important to realize when you've lost, then six weeks later, drive back to the field so you can shake the other teams hands and say, Good game, you cheater.

  • Another Republican who has found the courage to accept the will of the voters is Senate majority whip and man, wondering if he should throw a piece of plywood over the shallow grave.

  • John Thune, Thune said that while the GOP may be disappointed with the result, at some point, you have to face the music.

  • Yes, that music is a little ditty called Hail to the Chief.

  • And for the next four years you're gonna hear it every time you stand up when Joe Biden walks into the room.

  • But some in the GOP are still struggling to mince words in a way that will appease he who shall not be named.

  • Just ask Wyoming senator and man interrupting a woman to say the same thing.

  • She's saying.

  • John Barrasso, When asked whether Biden is president elect, Barroso said That was a gotcha question.

  • Yeah, classic gotcha question like Who's the president and what's your name and what year is it?

  • How many fingers am I holding up?

  • And if they don't give the answers, they like all of a sudden they got you in five point restraints for your own safety.

  • But the award for dumbest Reply has got to go to North Dakota, Senator and man caught looking at porn on his iPad.

  • Kevin Cramer.

  • Cramer responded to the very straightforward question of whether Biden had one with this, uh, answer.

  • Well, it seems to me that being elected by the Electoral College is a threshold.

  • Were a title like that is probably most appropriate.

  • And it's, I suppose you could say official.

  • If there is such a thing as official, president elect or anything else, Elect and there's an inauguration that will swear somebody and that person will be president of United States.

  • But whether you can call it that or not, you know their legal challenges that are ongoing not very many probably not a remedy that would change the outcome.

  • But so I don't again.

  • I don't know how a politician refers to another politician.

  • I'm sorry.

  • What?

  • I'd hate to be office mates with Kevin Cramer.

  • Hey, Kev, Did you, by any chance, eat my yogurt from the fridge?

  • Well, it seems to me that writing your name on a snack is a threshold where it might be appropriate to say it was yours.

  • Given that you I suppose you could say labeled if there is such a thing, is officially claiming yogurt or any dairy product that, of course, the original cow has some interesting.

  • And perhaps there is a communal cooling box which refer to as the fridge whether you call it a fridge or not, the cooling agent itself is free on, although there are others that can be used.

  • Not very many, probably none that would bring the yogurt back after it's been consumed.

  • So I don't again.

  • I don't know how a man acknowledges another man's Chobani.

  • While GOP leadership has had a hard time admitting their defeat in the presidential election, they're getting more straight talk from their boss's boss because this morning Russian President Vladimir Putin congratulated Biden on winning the U.

  • S election.

  • Not a great look for Senate Republicans.

  • When the guy who interfered in our election is like, Come on, he won at a certain point.

  • You guys air poisoning democracy and not in the right way with poison.

  • But it looks like our current president is never gonna concede.

  • Reportedly, the closest thing he comes to is saying, If we don't win, I don't say lose.

  • I say I don't win.

  • Holy stupid.

  • Now I don't say he's pathetic, but I say he's don't dignified.

  • The president is blaming everyone but himself for his not win, including his old pals and Fox News, according to a source close to the president.

  • He vowed to make Fox News pay for accurately calling the race.

  • Yes, How dare Fox report news.

  • Their job is to spread GOP propaganda, sell lubricated catheters and employ the meanest member from every sorority.

  • Speaking of divorced from reality yesterday as part of a plot to pretend the Electoral College doesn't mean anything, a group of yahoos calling themselves electors showed up with the Michigan State capital, tried to cast their votes for the guy who lost their state.

  • And I went about as well as you would hope Capitals calls.

  • Unless you have an office here that protect movements today or if you are taking part of the Electoral College process, anybody else is not coming back alone.

  • You're a lower electoral year After year, three electors were already here.

  • They've been checked out wear the electors are in Capitals, all all 16 electors that we've been advised by the governor staff that we're gonna be here to vote Electoral College.

  • We don't check in.

  • There are but the GOP electors.

  • I'm sorry, Captain.

  • That's awkward.

  • That's like a guy showing up with someone else's wedding and telling the usher, Hi, I'm here to marry Caitlyn.

  • I understand she's exchanging vows with someone else.

  • Not all the grooms are inside.

  • I'm her Republican husband.

  • The covert vaccine, in case you haven't heard, is here, and people are getting it.

  • And this is an absolute triumph of science.

  • But the pharma industry still has occasional Oops is out there.

  • For instance, One pharma company.

  • I have care.

  • And I trust I'm mispronouncing that recently issued a recall after they accidentally packaged erectile dysfunction drugs with antidepressants.

  • So there's the answer.

  • If you're wondering why your Penis has started painting again and is up for the picnic, the two drugs in question are Tras Adan, which is used to treat major depressive disorders and sildenafil, the active ingredient in Viagra.

  • That's weird.

  • I always thought the active ingredient Viagra was acoustic guitar jams with my boys.

  • All these pills were recalled.

  • Another pharmaceutical company sees this mix up as an opportunity, and they've released this helpful new ad.

  • When I started suffering from seasonal depression, I asked my doctor about Tre Zidan.

  • He said, Sure, I could prescribe you, Tre Zidan, or I could take you on the ride of your life he gave me.

  • Terje lacks Terje lacks, is the only medication that relieves symptoms of depression or erectile dysfunction, depending on which pill you happen to get because all the pills look exactly the same.

  • What?

  • Afraid to roll the bones?

  • Sounds like you need, Terje lacks.

  • Ever since I started taking, Terje lacks my life as well.

  • I wouldn't say improved, but it's definitely more exciting.

  • In fact, I took a pill about 20 minutes before we started shooting this, and it's gonna be a sad day from the waist up.

  • Honey, get in here.

  • It's time Terje lacks side effects may include loss of carnal appetites, suicidal testicles, rectal on wheat, prospector, sump brow, lobsters and groin grown.

  • If your erection or sadness last longer than four hours, Hey, take more.

  • Terje lacks.

  • Terje lacks because life is hard and so is your Penis.

Hello, everybody.

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Some Republicans Are Having Trouble Congratulating Joe Biden, But Putin Wastes No Time

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/12/16
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