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  • ♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,

  • WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW."

  • LET'S SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE.

  • HELLO, JON!

  • HEY, JON, TELL ME ABOUT "PLAY ON LIVE" TONIGHT.

  • >> Jon: OH, YEAH.

  • >> Stephen: YOU WERE ON THE CBS TONIGHT WITH "THE PLAY ON

  • LIVE."

  • TELL ME ABOUT THAT.

  • >> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT, WITH MY FRIEND EMILY KING AND SARAH

  • BERRALIS.

  • WE DID A SONG WITH MANY GREAT ARTISTS AND IT BENEFITTED THE

  • N.A.A.C.P. LEGAL DEFENSE FUND, AND AN ORGANIZATION I HAVE BEEN

  • INVOLVED WITH AND A FRIEND OF FOR MAN YEARS, THE LAST FIVE,

  • SIX YEARS.

  • WE PLAYED A CURTIS MAYFIELD SONG WITH THE IMPRESSIONS.

  • BEFORE IT WAS JUST CURTIS.

  • PEOPLE GET READY THERE'S A TRAIN A-COMING

  • WE DID THAT AND IT WAS KILLING.

  • STEVE ON THE DRUMS.

  • IT WAS GREAT.

  • I WAS SO HAPPY WITH IT.

  • >> Stephen: JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY, THANK YOU, JON.

  • FOLKS, YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME PICKING THE TIMELIEST

  • STORY APPLES, GRINDING THEM INTO THE PERFECT TOPICAL EXTRACT AND

  • MIXING IT WITH CINNAMON, MAPLE SYRUP, ALLSPICE AND OTHER

  • SEASONALLY-APT AROMATICS TO BREW THE GOURMET ARTISANAL HOT APPLE

  • CIDER MUG THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.

  • BUT ONCE IN A WHILE, I DUMP SOME APPLE SHASTA AND GRAIN

  • ALCOHOL INTO A ONE-GALLON ZIPLOC BAG, ADD SOME CRUSHED UP FRUIT

  • BITS I PICKED OUT OF OLD FIG NEWTONS, AND THE RIND OF A

  • JACK-O'-LANTERN LEFT OUTSIDE SINCE HALLOWEEN, TOSS IN SOME

  • YEAST, AND FERMENT IT UNDER MY MATTRESS, THEN STRAIN IT THROUGH

  • A SOCK TO CREATE THE CONTRABAND TOILET-HOOCH OF NEWS THAT IS MY

  • SEGMENT: "QUARANTINE-WHILE!" QUARANTINE-WHILE, ACCORDING TO A

  • NEW STUDY, YOUR DOG DOESN'T REALLY KNOW WHAT YOU'RE

  • TALKING ABOUT.

  • YOU CAN SEE ALL THE DETAILS IN THE PRESTIGIOUS "NEW ENGLAND

  • JOURNAL OF THAT'S WHAT WE ASSUMED."

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, A PHYSICIST DISCOVERED A NEW WAY TO MAKE

  • CHEAP N-95 MASKS BY USING A COTTON CANDY MACHINE.

  • THAT IS AWESOME.

  • BUT HOT TIP: DON'T EAT YOUR MASK AND THEN IMMEDIATELY GO ON THE

  • TILT-A-WHIRL, OR ELSE YOU KNOW THAT THING'S COMING RIGHT BACK

  • UP.

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, FOLLOWING A REPORT FROM THE FRENCH MILITARY

  • ETHICS COMMITTEE, THE FRENCH ARMY GOT AN ETHICAL GO-AHEAD TO

  • CREATE BIONIC SOLDIERS AND NOW HAVE PERMISSION TO DEVELOP

  • "AUGMENTED SOLDIERS," BUT HAS FORBIDDEN ANY MODIFICATION THAT

  • WOULD AFFECT A SOLDIER'S SENSE OF "HUMANITY."

  • ALWAYS COMFORTING TO SEE "HUMANITY" IN QUOTES.

  • NOTHING TO "WORRY" ABOUT, WE'VE REALLY "THOUGHT" THIS THROUGH,

  • SO FEEL FREE TO LET DOWN YOUR "DEFENSES."

  • BUT THAT'S NOT ALL.

  • FURTHER EXAMPLES OF BANNED MODIFICATIONS INCLUDE COGNITIVE

  • IMPLANTS THAT WOULD AFFECT THE EXERCISE OF A SOLDIER'S FREE

  • WILL.

  • SO, EVERYBODY OUT THERE WORRIED THEY ARE GOING TO BUILD A

  • TERMINATOR, CALM DOWN.

  • IT'S GOING TO BE "LE TERMINATEUR!"

  • NOW, WE HERE AT "MEANWHILE CONSOLIDATED PETROLEUM AND HUMOR

  • PRODUCTS" SOMETIMES COME ACROSS SO MANY PENIS-RELATED STORIES,

  • WE HAVE TO CORRAL THEM IN OUR GROIN-FOCUSED "QUARANTINE-WHILE"

  • SUB SEGMENT: "PEEN-WHILE."

  • PEEN-WHILE, NEW FOOTAGE FROM CENTRAL CHINA SHOWS ANOTHER

  • REASON THEY HAVE BECOME OUR MOST FORMIDABLE ENEMY.

  • >> WANG LIUTAI IS NO ORDINARY KUNG FU MASTER.

  • THE 65-YEAR-OLD PRACTICES A UNIUE AND EXCRUCIATING-LOOKING

  • TYPE OF MARTIAL ARTS KNOWN AS "IRON CROTCH KUNG FU."

  • ITS MOST FAMOUS TECHNIQUE INVOLVES SWINGING A

  • STEEL-PLATE-CAPPED, TWO-METER- LONG LOG THROUGH THE AIR TO

  • SMASH INTO A MAN'S CROTCH.

  • >> Stephen: PERFECT FOR ANYONE WHO'S EVER SAID, "I LOVE MARTIAL

  • ARTS, BUT THERE JUST AREN'T ENOUGH NUT SHOTS.

  • SOMETIMES I LEAVE A SPARRING LESSION, AND MY GROIN ISN'T

  • BLACK AND BLUE.

  • IT'S LIKE, WHAT AM I DOING THIS FOR?"

  • ALSO, THAT'S A LOT OF EFFORT JUST TO GET HIT IN THE NUTS.

  • BUDDY'S GOT A BEAM TRESTLE, CHAIN RIGGING, FORESTRY... I

  • KNOW FOR A FACT THAT, WHETHER YOU ASKED FOR IT OR NOT, YOU CAN

  • GET THE SAME EFFECT FROM A 10-YEAR-OLD WITH A NERF GUN.

  • PROPONENTS OF IRON CROTCH KUNG FU INSIST THAT NOTHING

  • BEATS A GOOD TREE TO THE GROIN.

  • AS ONE PUT IT, "WHEN YOU PRACTICE IRON CROTCH KUNG FU, AS

  • LONG AS YOU PUSH YOURSELF, YOU WILL FEEL GREAT."

  • YOU'VE GOT TO PUSH YOURSELF.

  • WHICH RAISES A QUESTION: WHO SUSPENDS A LOG FROM A CHAIN,

  • POSITIONS HIMSELF INSIDE THE LOG'S PROJECTED PARABOLA, AND

  • THEN DECIDES TO PHONE IT IN?

  • STILL, THIS IS THE PERFECT TIME OF YEAR TO TAKE UP CROTCH-FU,

  • BECAUSE YOU'LL FINALLY HAVE A USE FOR YOUR TREE BEYOND

  • CHRISTMAS.

  • RIGHT IN THE JINGLE BELLS!

  • PEEN-WHILE, A RUSSIAN AIRLINE OFFICIAL WAS FIRED FOR CREATING

  • A PENIS-SHAPED FLIGHT DETOUR.

  • FUN FACT: "PENIS-SHAPED FLIGHT DETOUR" WAS THE NAME OF MY

  • JEFFERSON AIRPLANE COVER BAND.

  • AND I WOULD HATE TO BE ON THAT PLANE:

  • "UHH, THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING.

  • NORMALLY WE'D BE STARTING OUR DESCENT, BUT I'M GONNA TAKE A

  • BEAT TO DRAW A GIANT SKY DONG.

  • IT WILL DELAY US SIGNIFICANTLY, BUT IT WILL BE HILARIOUS--

  • I REPEAT, HILARIOUS."

  • ANYWAY, HOW ANATOMICALLY ACCURATE CAN A PENIS DRAWN USING

  • A FLIGHT PATH BE-- WOW.

  • ALSO, GIVEN THE TEMPERATURE AT 30,000 FEET, VERY IMPRESSIVE.

  • QUARANTINE-WHILE, IT'S OFFICIAL: HARRISON FORD WILL RETURN IN A

  • FIFTH "INDIANA JONES" MOVIE.

  • DESPITE BEING 78-YEARS-OLD, SO, IN THE SUMMER OF 2022, LOOK

  • FORWARD TO "INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF SOUP," FOLLOWED UP

  • BY "INDIANA JONES AND THE LOST ARK, BUT IT WAS ON TOP OF HIS

  • HEAD THE WHOLE TIME."

  • WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ANDERSON COOPER AND ANDY COHEN.

  • ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,

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B2 TheLateShow crotch fu jon kung fu kung

Quarantinewhile... Now Is The Perfect Time To Try "Iron Crotch" Kung Fu

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/12/16
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