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♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
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WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW."
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LET'S SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE.
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HELLO, JON!
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HEY, JON, TELL ME ABOUT "PLAY ON LIVE" TONIGHT.
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>> Jon: OH, YEAH.
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>> Stephen: YOU WERE ON THE CBS TONIGHT WITH "THE PLAY ON
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LIVE."
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TELL ME ABOUT THAT.
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>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT, WITH MY FRIEND EMILY KING AND SARAH
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BERRALIS.
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WE DID A SONG WITH MANY GREAT ARTISTS AND IT BENEFITTED THE
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N.A.A.C.P. LEGAL DEFENSE FUND, AND AN ORGANIZATION I HAVE BEEN
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INVOLVED WITH AND A FRIEND OF FOR MAN YEARS, THE LAST FIVE,
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SIX YEARS.
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WE PLAYED A CURTIS MAYFIELD SONG WITH THE IMPRESSIONS.
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BEFORE IT WAS JUST CURTIS.
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♪ PEOPLE GET READY THERE'S A TRAIN A-COMING ♪
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WE DID THAT AND IT WAS KILLING.
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STEVE ON THE DRUMS.
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IT WAS GREAT.
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I WAS SO HAPPY WITH IT.
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>> Stephen: JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY, THANK YOU, JON.
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FOLKS, YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME PICKING THE TIMELIEST
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STORY APPLES, GRINDING THEM INTO THE PERFECT TOPICAL EXTRACT AND
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MIXING IT WITH CINNAMON, MAPLE SYRUP, ALLSPICE AND OTHER
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SEASONALLY-APT AROMATICS TO BREW THE GOURMET ARTISANAL HOT APPLE
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CIDER MUG THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
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BUT ONCE IN A WHILE, I DUMP SOME APPLE SHASTA AND GRAIN
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ALCOHOL INTO A ONE-GALLON ZIPLOC BAG, ADD SOME CRUSHED UP FRUIT
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BITS I PICKED OUT OF OLD FIG NEWTONS, AND THE RIND OF A
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JACK-O'-LANTERN LEFT OUTSIDE SINCE HALLOWEEN, TOSS IN SOME
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YEAST, AND FERMENT IT UNDER MY MATTRESS, THEN STRAIN IT THROUGH
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A SOCK TO CREATE THE CONTRABAND TOILET-HOOCH OF NEWS THAT IS MY
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SEGMENT: "QUARANTINE-WHILE!" QUARANTINE-WHILE, ACCORDING TO A
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NEW STUDY, YOUR DOG DOESN'T REALLY KNOW WHAT YOU'RE
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TALKING ABOUT.
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YOU CAN SEE ALL THE DETAILS IN THE PRESTIGIOUS "NEW ENGLAND
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JOURNAL OF THAT'S WHAT WE ASSUMED."
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QUARANTINE-WHILE, A PHYSICIST DISCOVERED A NEW WAY TO MAKE
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CHEAP N-95 MASKS BY USING A COTTON CANDY MACHINE.
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THAT IS AWESOME.
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BUT HOT TIP: DON'T EAT YOUR MASK AND THEN IMMEDIATELY GO ON THE
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TILT-A-WHIRL, OR ELSE YOU KNOW THAT THING'S COMING RIGHT BACK
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UP.
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QUARANTINE-WHILE, FOLLOWING A REPORT FROM THE FRENCH MILITARY
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ETHICS COMMITTEE, THE FRENCH ARMY GOT AN ETHICAL GO-AHEAD TO
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CREATE BIONIC SOLDIERS AND NOW HAVE PERMISSION TO DEVELOP
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"AUGMENTED SOLDIERS," BUT HAS FORBIDDEN ANY MODIFICATION THAT
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WOULD AFFECT A SOLDIER'S SENSE OF "HUMANITY."
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ALWAYS COMFORTING TO SEE "HUMANITY" IN QUOTES.
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NOTHING TO "WORRY" ABOUT, WE'VE REALLY "THOUGHT" THIS THROUGH,
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SO FEEL FREE TO LET DOWN YOUR "DEFENSES."
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BUT THAT'S NOT ALL.
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FURTHER EXAMPLES OF BANNED MODIFICATIONS INCLUDE COGNITIVE
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IMPLANTS THAT WOULD AFFECT THE EXERCISE OF A SOLDIER'S FREE
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WILL.
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SO, EVERYBODY OUT THERE WORRIED THEY ARE GOING TO BUILD A
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TERMINATOR, CALM DOWN.
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IT'S GOING TO BE "LE TERMINATEUR!"
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NOW, WE HERE AT "MEANWHILE CONSOLIDATED PETROLEUM AND HUMOR
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PRODUCTS" SOMETIMES COME ACROSS SO MANY PENIS-RELATED STORIES,
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WE HAVE TO CORRAL THEM IN OUR GROIN-FOCUSED "QUARANTINE-WHILE"
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SUB SEGMENT: "PEEN-WHILE."
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PEEN-WHILE, NEW FOOTAGE FROM CENTRAL CHINA SHOWS ANOTHER
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REASON THEY HAVE BECOME OUR MOST FORMIDABLE ENEMY.
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>> WANG LIUTAI IS NO ORDINARY KUNG FU MASTER.
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THE 65-YEAR-OLD PRACTICES A UNIUE AND EXCRUCIATING-LOOKING
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TYPE OF MARTIAL ARTS KNOWN AS "IRON CROTCH KUNG FU."
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ITS MOST FAMOUS TECHNIQUE INVOLVES SWINGING A
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STEEL-PLATE-CAPPED, TWO-METER- LONG LOG THROUGH THE AIR TO
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SMASH INTO A MAN'S CROTCH.
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>> Stephen: PERFECT FOR ANYONE WHO'S EVER SAID, "I LOVE MARTIAL
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ARTS, BUT THERE JUST AREN'T ENOUGH NUT SHOTS.
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SOMETIMES I LEAVE A SPARRING LESSION, AND MY GROIN ISN'T
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BLACK AND BLUE.
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IT'S LIKE, WHAT AM I DOING THIS FOR?"
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ALSO, THAT'S A LOT OF EFFORT JUST TO GET HIT IN THE NUTS.
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BUDDY'S GOT A BEAM TRESTLE, CHAIN RIGGING, FORESTRY... I
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KNOW FOR A FACT THAT, WHETHER YOU ASKED FOR IT OR NOT, YOU CAN
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GET THE SAME EFFECT FROM A 10-YEAR-OLD WITH A NERF GUN.
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PROPONENTS OF IRON CROTCH KUNG FU INSIST THAT NOTHING
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BEATS A GOOD TREE TO THE GROIN.
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AS ONE PUT IT, "WHEN YOU PRACTICE IRON CROTCH KUNG FU, AS
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LONG AS YOU PUSH YOURSELF, YOU WILL FEEL GREAT."
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YOU'VE GOT TO PUSH YOURSELF.
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WHICH RAISES A QUESTION: WHO SUSPENDS A LOG FROM A CHAIN,
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POSITIONS HIMSELF INSIDE THE LOG'S PROJECTED PARABOLA, AND
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THEN DECIDES TO PHONE IT IN?
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STILL, THIS IS THE PERFECT TIME OF YEAR TO TAKE UP CROTCH-FU,
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BECAUSE YOU'LL FINALLY HAVE A USE FOR YOUR TREE BEYOND
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CHRISTMAS.
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RIGHT IN THE JINGLE BELLS!
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PEEN-WHILE, A RUSSIAN AIRLINE OFFICIAL WAS FIRED FOR CREATING
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A PENIS-SHAPED FLIGHT DETOUR.
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FUN FACT: "PENIS-SHAPED FLIGHT DETOUR" WAS THE NAME OF MY
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JEFFERSON AIRPLANE COVER BAND.
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AND I WOULD HATE TO BE ON THAT PLANE:
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"UHH, THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SPEAKING.
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NORMALLY WE'D BE STARTING OUR DESCENT, BUT I'M GONNA TAKE A
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BEAT TO DRAW A GIANT SKY DONG.
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IT WILL DELAY US SIGNIFICANTLY, BUT IT WILL BE HILARIOUS--
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I REPEAT, HILARIOUS."
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ANYWAY, HOW ANATOMICALLY ACCURATE CAN A PENIS DRAWN USING
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A FLIGHT PATH BE-- WOW.
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ALSO, GIVEN THE TEMPERATURE AT 30,000 FEET, VERY IMPRESSIVE.
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QUARANTINE-WHILE, IT'S OFFICIAL: HARRISON FORD WILL RETURN IN A
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FIFTH "INDIANA JONES" MOVIE.
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DESPITE BEING 78-YEARS-OLD, SO, IN THE SUMMER OF 2022, LOOK
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FORWARD TO "INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF SOUP," FOLLOWED UP
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BY "INDIANA JONES AND THE LOST ARK, BUT IT WAS ON TOP OF HIS
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HEAD THE WHOLE TIME."
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WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ANDERSON COOPER AND ANDY COHEN.
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪