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  • used to deal with some issues with bulimia and kind of body image and steroids and things like that.

  • I was one if you could talk on that because, ah, lot of men, I think, suffer from these things, and yet we don't talk about it very much.

  • It's a great shame, really, because I've learned from my own experience is the hard way that talking about things is the best way.

  • Or certainly one of the best way to overcome whatever issues you have in life, whether it's your sexuality, in my case, you know, martial relationship problems, work problems, money problems, whatever those worries are, until you accept it and talk about it.

  • This could be very difficult for you, Thio.

  • Deal it and to overcome it on.

  • That's why I think a lot of unfortunately, a lot of young men in particular Ah, lot of older men as well in a sort of age bracket, you know, the sort of thirties forties take their own lives because they get to a dark place where there you see no other way out on because they feel it, a sense of weakness to talk about it, and it's not to talk about something is a sign off.

  • Great strength, really on did in my sort of late teens.

  • When I was 18 19, I started realizing I was I was a bit different to the person that I had been brought up to be.

  • You know, I was brought up by my mom and dad was the only child brought up in a small community.

  • Everybody close knit or your family living around you.

  • You brought up.

  • You go to school, go to Sunday school, went to chapel.

  • You get a girlfriend, you get married, you get kids, you become grand parents and that's the world of always.

  • And then I don't see nothing wrong with that happening, and I wouldn't want my upbringing to be any different.

  • But at 19 years of age, I started realizing something, something not right here.

  • I felt there's something something wrong here.

  • I was finding myself attracted Thio men on this was not supposed to happen.

  • This is what not what I was brought up and told that life would be like, um Andi.

  • I was finding it very difficult because it was something totally alien to me.

  • I'd never met a gay person didn't know what a gay person looked like.

  • The only gay person I could really relate to some of the very camp characters, but they're on the television sitcoms, mostly back in that time on.

  • When you're watching these programs and thinking that's what people say a gay person is.

  • It's not me.

  • I don't look like that.

  • I don't behave like that.

  • There's nothing wrong with the way they behave, But that was not me.

  • So I found it very difficult to something very alien.

  • And I was fighting against it for years and it was getting me down.

  • It was making me depressed.

  • I was worried what people are gonna say if they find out because, you know, there was nobody out that time and used to hear the general talk.

  • When people used to mention gay people, it wasn't meant.

  • It wasn't spoken about in a very nice way, and it used to make me really sort of feel sick.

  • You know, when I heard the word gay use and people say you don't speak to him, he's gay.

  • He's a poof and stuff like this, you know, thieves were some people that I know some of my friends was speaking like this, you know, at that time, because it's a different era.

  • Back then, I was making me feel really sick in the stomach.

  • You know, one worrying and I was quite a beast at the time.

  • Was about 6.5.

  • Stone would probably be something like, maybe 115 118 120 kg.

  • I think I was quite heavy over weight on de so dealing my sexuality, living a lie.

  • Um, I made myself ill to lose weight.

  • I became bulimic on.

  • Then after becoming bulimic and going from something like 120 25 kg, whatever it was kgs.

  • I lost weight and came down to 11.5 stone.

  • Something like 65 kgs or whatever it was, you know, 60 kgs.

  • I was really thin, really pale, not looking well or feeling well, eh?

  • So I started going to the gym on then in the gym, I started taking steroids to sort of put some muscle on to think that I would look better.

  • And maybe man will find me attractive if I look more muscular and look better.

  • And on all of a sudden, You know, by the time I was 24 25 years of age, I was suffering from mental health issues, very depressed in a very, very dark place, fighting against my sexuality, becoming somebody.

  • I didn't want to be bulimic, um, you know, eating food and then making myself sick afterwards and then hooked on steroids.

  • You know, when one of the side effects of steroids is, you know, it could make you even more depressed than than you are amongst the other side effects it house.

  • And I was in a very, very bad place, and I thought, Well, I'd read somewhere or huge somewhere.

  • Somebody say something or read somewhere that them you could get chemically castrated, which then would take away your sexual urges.

  • And I thought that me being gay was a sexual urge and nothing else.

  • So I went to the doctor and I asked them, Look, you know, I think I'm gay, and I wanna be chemically castrate because I don't wanna be gay on.

  • The doctor told me it doesn't work like that.

  • Majorly said, you know you're being gay.

  • Is this is who you are?

  • It's not because it was sexual urge a Welsh doctor.

  • It's well, Dr Yeah, my look, my local doctor.

  • I went to Yeah, And then So when I land left, when I left the doctor, I was actually feeling worse because I thought this was an avenue out for me now to get chemically castrated.

  • But that avenue was taken away from me on.

  • Then I thought, Well, over the next of eight months, 12 months, you know, I got deeper and deeper into a state of depression.

  • Andre and I thought, There's there's only one way out now there's only one que were, if you like, for what I felt at the time I needed wrongly at the time.

  • But I felt there's only one way out and on that is to end my life on bond.

  • I did something one night which, which I would regret for the rest of my life.

  • It's something that I know have to live with for the rest of my life.

  • I left a note from a moment dad and said that I can't I didn't tell them why I just left in order.

  • Said Look, I can't carry on living anymore.

  • I'm sorry and just said goodbye and I'll never, ever forgive myself, You know, for for what I put my mom and dad through that night, when they must have woken up in the morning and read that note.

  • I must have thought they're never going to see their only child ever again.

  • You know, I'll I'll never forgive myself for that.

  • I've I've got to live with that for the rest of my life.

  • Um, so you don't want to forgive yourself.

  • You'll never forgive yourself what you did to your parents know.

  • I'll never forgive myself for what I put them them through, you know, which must have bean absolute hell for them.

  • You know them.

  • I I left the house with a couple of boxes of various policy tomorrow's and a bottle of whiskey on.

  • As I was to work in the farm, I had a loaded shotgun in the house with a shotgun.

  • It wasn't loaded.

  • It and I left the house on I am.

  • I walked around the small village of married Keurig where I was brought up, seeing everything for the last time, really, just looking at everything.

  • I'm pretty much saying goodbye to everything and everybody in my own way.

  • And I am.

  • I left the north then for my I took the policy Tomorrow's and sort of on top of this mountain looking down.

  • You know what?

  • Where I was living on what I was brought up And what actually I took to save to study what I actually took to take my own life actually saved me in the end because I overdosed on paracetamol is and slipped into a coma because if that hadn't happened, there's no doubt I would have I would have pulled the trigger because I was intent on doing that.

  • And I remember Dad was he phoned the police and then people came out looking for me and the police helicopter came searching and they found me.

  • But they couldn't come anywhere near me because all they could see was was me lying there with a shotgun on my chest, pointing thio underneath my chin so they knew I was still alive.

  • But they didn't know if I was conscious or not.

  • And if they were gonna come in and near me, what was going to do with a gun?

  • Thio?

  • Not to myself, but you know, to them as well, and so you were serious about this?

  • Yeah, there is.

  • I I honestly thought that this'd is the way out, and there's no coming back from this.

  • But I slipped into that coma and got airlifted to hospital and spent a few days in intensive care.

  • And, you know, when I came around, the doctor told me, Look, he said another 20 minutes, Nigel, we wouldn't have been able to save you.

  • You know, you're very, very lucky, young man on.

  • But I was I was very, very, very lucky.

  • I had a second chance.

  • Unfortunately, a lot of people don't get those second chances, but I did.

  • And bye.

  • My mom and dad come see me and family, friends and, you know, and when they all left, then my mom came back after everybody left and she said to me, Look, she said, I don't know why you've done it, but if you ever do anything like that again, then you take me and your dad with you because we don't want to carry on our life with without you.

  • You know, you you mean the world to us.

  • And my mom left, and I That's why I said I'm in bed.

  • Yeah, it's a heavy thing to hear from your mind.

  • It is.

  • You know, that that really was.

  • That was what changed my life at that moment.

  • That zeit Oh, my sat up in bed in them Yeah, on I cried I cried like a baby in bed for what I was I think in them e I said to myself, I know those words And my mom said, I've got a I've got to grow up here.

  • I've gotta accept who I am.

  • This is who I am um on That's when my moment, the moment my life changed in accepting who Who I waas Andi.

  • That I think is is the biggest challenge that anybody comes across in their life.

  • In my case, it was accepted My sexuality referee in the World Cup final year and a half ago in Twickenham between Australia, New Zealand, you know, in front of 85,000 people and millions of people watching at home, as I said earlier, with a massive pressure on you was nothing compared to having to accept who I was and what I had gone through my life then And until you accept that there is something the matter, something that's making you feel down something that's causing the mental health issues in your mind or whatever it is sexuality in my case, dealing with it, fighting against it, not accepting it and other people's basic could be, you know, relationship problems, money problems, school problems, you know, working with exams, a teenager or whatever they are.

  • Until you accept, there is something that you need to address in your life.

  • Then you're not gonna get out of that.

  • You're not gonna do something about it.

  • I accepted now that I who I waas So I was then able to move on to the next stage, and that was difficult.

  • You know, the next five or 67 years until I actually came out was still difficult.

  • I was still living a lie, not telling anybody.

  • And here I waas being brought up in a moment, Dad, to be honest, to respect people, Thio say you please and thank you's, you know, honesty and integrity.

  • And here I was lying to the people that mattered more to me than than anything in the world on, but was difficult.

  • But it wasn't as difficult as dealing with the sexuality and dealing with accepting who I waas.

  • Continue watching this fascinating conversation for free by clicking on the link below to visit our website, learn from the best minds in the world and connect with a community of passionate people building the best versions of themselves.

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used to deal with some issues with bulimia and kind of body image and steroids and things like that.

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A2 gay sexuality life brought forgive doctor

ISSUES & SUICIDE: Why You Should Talk About Your Issues & Accept Them - Nigel Owens

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/12/15
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