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  • -Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to "The Tonight Show"!

  • [ Cheers and applause ] Come on.

  • Look how festive it looks.

  • Guys, let's get to the news and jokes.

  • Well, guys, this is exciting and historic day,

  • because the United Kingdom started giving out

  • the first doses of Pfizer's COVID vaccine.

  • Watch this.

  • -At 6:31 this morning, Margaret Keenan,

  • who turns 91 next week,

  • became the first person ever given a tested

  • and vetted COVID vaccine outside of trials.

  • -That's right, 90-year-old Margaret Keenan

  • is the first patient in the world

  • to receive the Pfizer vaccine.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Or as the Queen put it, "Sure, sure, she was."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Yes, we definitely gave it to Margaret Keenan first."

  • The U.K. vaccine underwent rigorous testing.

  • Apparently Gordon Ramsay would try every version

  • and then berate the scientist.

  • "You donkey, it's not a vaccine! It's raw!"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "It's meant to be kept in the freezer, donkey!"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yeah, the vaccine is starting in the U.K.

  • and then coming here.

  • But your one annoying friend will be like,

  • "I actually liked the original British version better."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Just nuanced and way more subtle."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That's right, it's a big day over in the U.K.

  • People are calling it "V-Day" for Vaccination Day.

  • Yeah, V-Day, not to be confused with tonight's

  • "Bachelorette" episode "VD Day."

  • That's a different -- [ Laughter ]

  • Different thing.

  • Meanwhile, this is going viral. It turns out --

  • this is real -- the second person to get the vaccine

  • was an 81-year-old man named William Shakespeare.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yeah, William Shakespeare got a vaccine on V-Day.

  • Which explains why he said,

  • "To V or not to V, that is the injection."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "'Tis nobler to take Moderna."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I'm glad Shakespeare got the vaccine because in 81 years

  • he hasn't been able to get a dinner reservation.

  • "Yes, the name's William Shakespeare.

  • Hello?" [ Laughter ]

  • "They hung up." -[ Laughs ]

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -That one got you, man? -Yeah.

  • -That's funny. [ Laughter ]

  • Imagine living in the U.K. and being named

  • after their greatest writer, William Shakespeare.

  • That's like living in the U.S. and being named after

  • whoever writes the Geico commercials.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • They're geniuses.

  • I don't know what's in the vaccine,

  • but it must be pretty amazing, 'cause after Shakespeare got it,

  • he challenged Logan Paul to a boxing match.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Well, as the U.K. starts vaccinating,

  • some news just broke out about our own supply.

  • It turns out this summer the Trump administration turned down

  • Pfizer when they asked if we wanted to buy more doses.

  • Trump knows he messed up.

  • When asked about it, he was like,

  • "I'm only answering questions about Mario Lopez

  • playing Colonel Sanders."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Speaking of the White House,

  • I read that Trump wants to hand out mass pardons

  • to "every person who ever talked to him,

  • even people who don't need pardons."

  • Yep, Trump's handing out mass pardons.

  • The only other time you hear that phrase

  • is after Rudy Giuliani eats Taco Bell.

  • "Pardon -- Pardon me." [ Laughter ]

  • "Oop, pardon.

  • Pardon me, sorry.

  • Oh, that's a half pardon, sorry."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Oh, and of course, President Trump

  • is still refusing to accept the results of the election,

  • but he's not the only one.

  • A new "Washington Post" survey says

  • 89% of all Republicans serving in Congress

  • won't accept Biden's victory.

  • Here's what a few Republicans said

  • when asked about the election.

  • First up, Congressman Greg Pence said,

  • "If Biden wins, I'll quit, and focus on my Etsy product,

  • Lipstick for Men."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Up next, Senator Tom Cotton said,

  • "Trump will be president by the time that gumball

  • I swallowed last year finally works its way down my throat."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Next up, Congressman Dusty Johnson

  • was like, "Don't bother me.

  • I'm busy losing a chess match

  • to that girl from 'Queen's Gambit.'"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Up next, Congressman Fred Upton said,

  • "I trust the results, but not the congressmen

  • who told me 'everyone' was doing this pose."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Then, Senator Mike Braun was like,

  • "This election was rigged or I wasn't once an extra

  • in a 'Sopranos' restaurant scene."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And finally, Senator John Boozman said,

  • "If you have proof the election was rigged, I'm all ears."

  • [ Groaning, laughter, applause ]

  • Very interesting stuff.

  • Here's a big tech story.

  • Today, Apple unveiled a pair of noise-canceling headphones

  • called the AirPods Max.

  • And get this -- they cost $549.

  • Check them out. Yep.

  • Noise-canceling headphones for $549.

  • When they heard, people quarantining with kids

  • were like, "I'll give you $800."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Here are the headphones in their case.

  • Yeah, great. It looks like a stormtrooper's purse.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Hey, listen to this.

  • I saw that Pizza Hut is

  • selling something new for the holidays.

  • Check this out.

  • It's the new triple-decker box from Pizza Hut.

  • Look at this thing.

  • In America, that's actually our food pyramid.

  • [ Laughter ] That's right.

  • In the U.K., they have a COVID vaccine.

  • In America, we came up with the triple-decker pizza box.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It's a great idea.

  • My biggest complaint about ordering pizza

  • was always not having enough cardboard

  • to awkwardly fold and smoosh down in my garbage can.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I'm turning into Andy Rooney now.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "That's the part I need more of when I get a pizza.

  • Having to fold the cardboard and put it in my garbage can."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I can almost picture idiot guys across the country going,

  • "Honey, you could use this as a jewelry box."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Just saying."

  • I saw that after 70 years,

  • IKEA is ending its popular catalog.

  • [ Crowd awws ]

  • I know. At its peak,

  • IKEA printed up to 200 million copies in one year,

  • making it one of the most popular books in the world.

  • So we put together this little tribute

  • to our favorite products in the catalog over the years.

  • Enjoy.

  • ♪♪

  • ♪♪

  • [ Dial-up modem ringing ]

  • ♪♪

  • [ Applause ]

  • Here's a wild story.

  • Two cousins here in New York City ages 7 and 12,

  • took one of their parents' Range Rovers for a joy ride

  • and ended up at a rest stop near Delaware.

  • The 12-year-old was like, "Don't blame me.

  • He was the one driving."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It got worse when the kids passed the officer

  • a Chuck E. Cheese token and said,

  • "What do you say we make this thing go away?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And finally, I heard about a man in Italy

  • who walked 280 miles after a fight with his wife,

  • then got fined for violating lockdown rules.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I'm no marriage counselor,

  • but it's probably not a great sign

  • when someone storms out and walks to Switzerland.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That's last time he gets his wife

  • a triple-decker pizza box for their anniversary.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Guys, we have exactly nine shows left

  • before we go on Christmas break, which means it's time

  • for that beloved "Tonight Show" tradition.

  • It's time for "12 Days of Christmas Sweaters."

  • ♪ -12 days of Christmas sweaters, 9 days left

  • -That's right.

  • Every show between now and Christmas,

  • we'll be giving one lucky audience member

  • a stunning Christmas sweater

  • from the "Countdown to Christmas Cabinet."

  • So, since there are nine shows left,

  • let's open door number nine.

  • [ Drumroll ] It's right there.

  • Very exciting. Yes.

  • Whenever you're ready. Yes.

  • Yes! Someone said -- Whoa!

  • That's a lot of -- [ Cheers and applause ]

  • That's a lot of stuff.

  • Oh, good -- good gosh almighty.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That's a lot of sweater that was in there.

  • Oh, my goodness gracious.

  • Is there something on the back?

  • Oh, my gosh!

  • Well, there's a little man hidden on there.

  • There's a little man.

  • A stowaway on the back of that.

  • Alright, who is excited to take home this sweater?

  • [ Cheers and applause ] There we go.

  • Alright, if I call your number, come on down.

  • Quest, can I get a drumroll, please?

  • [ Drumroll ]

  • 1-2-3!

  • ♪♪

  • Ah, here he comes.

  • Welcome. Oh, my goodness.

  • Thank you so much for being here.

  • What is your name and where are you from?

  • -My name is Tom Russell from New Rochelle, New York.

  • -Hey, New Rochelle. [ Cheers and applause ]

  • I know New Rochelle very well.

  • -There's a lot going on here.

  • -Well, you know, they say during the holiday season,

  • "make lemonade," you know what I'm saying?

  • -Mm-hmm. [ Laughter ]

  • -Would you do us the honor of trying it on?

  • -Yeah, which one's the front? [ Laughs ]

  • -That's up to you, buddy.

  • It's -- -Alright.

  • -It's really that much fun.

  • You don't know what the front or the back is, really.

  • You know that it has sleeves.

  • That's -- The only thing we can guarantee with our sweaters,

  • that there are sometimes sleeves.

  • [ Laughter ] That's a -- oh, I feel like --

  • oh, I feel like this is the right way to go.

  • [ Laughs ] Oh, my God!

  • Wow! Oh, my God. [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Wow, I don't even know what to think.

  • I'm looking at it and I still don't know what's happening.

  • -I can't see my shoes. -It's unbelievable.

  • This is unbelievable. It is a holiday miracle.

  • Give it up for our winner right here.

  • A round of applause. [ Applause ]

  • Stick around.

  • We'll be right back with more "Tonight Show," everybody.

  • Come on back.